Please follow my new blog...

If you still want to hear my crazy ramblings. :]
If not, I completely understand, haha.

http://becomingethereal.blogspot.com/

Hey guys.

I know I said I was going to stop posting on Blogger.
And I am, at least on this account.


There are times when I really miss just ranting and rambling in a big long paragraph. But this blog just has too many memories of an Old Me that isn't here anymore. I have a new blog for the new me. You can find it here:

Becoming Ethereal (http://becomingethereal.blogspot.com/)

As you can see, it's appropriately titled, as per my obsession with attempting to be delicate and airy.


I hope you'll follow my new blog, but if you don't, I understand. :) I will be following some blogs I read daily, and I generally follow those who follow me (sometimes hard to keep track, but I try!).


Hope to see you soon.

xoxo,
Charlie

It's official.

I'm going to stop posting on Blogger.


Which probably comes as no surprise, as I haven't been posting lately, also which I've said before, blah, blah.


But this time, it's for real, unless something drastic happens in my life that requires me to blog on Blogger.
I am on Tumblr, for those of you that have it (http://brokenmirrors-charlie.tumblr.com/), and I post on Tumblr regularly.


I love you all. I wish you the best in whatever you try to accomplish; weight loss, weight gain, recovery, should you so choose.

I love you, and thank you for all your support over the past year.

I need your help!

I'm not even gonna comment on my last few insane/psychotic posts.

BUT I NEED YOUR HELP.

I have to do a senior dance this year, because I'm a senior, and I'm leaving my dance school for college next year.

And I have to pick a song.

And I have no clue!


So I'd love some song suggestions from you guys- Any and all would be much appreciated. :]

I think I'm going insane.

My mental thought process is very quickly degrading.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm not going to edit this post at all so you all can see-the entire internet can see what the fuck is going on inside my head. I swear this is complete what's-it-called shit I don't remember what it's called- STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS.

This is what's going on in my head and dear sweet Jesus, I think I'm finally breaking.
I don't even know what the fuck is wrong with me and I feel like and idiot and K probably thinks I'm an idiot for texting him so much and he probably just laughs at everything I fucking say because that's how ridiculous I am and oh my God I swear I'm fucking psycho.
This doesn't make any sense, I know and it probably seems like this is completely fucking fake but SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME all my thoughts are going too fast and I have a headache... Maybe I'm just pretending to be going crazy- but that's crazy, pretending to be going insane. I've been eating way too much lately, maybe that's it. I'm getting sick, my throat is sore, I only have three more weeks of hell/school left and I can't wait to graduate and I can't wait for fucking college. I don't know how I'm going to handle camp this year I've been such a fucking little kid talking to him he probably thinksKNOWS I'm ridiculous, Jesus I almost spelled "ridiculous" with a fucking "E", like "rediculous"... So much for spelling bee champ.

Blegh.

I binged tonight.
What else is new.

I've decided it's absolutely pointless to try to lose weight while living at home. So I'm just going to try to maintain the 166 for next Sunday, then continue on with my Plan from there.

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself

I hate myself.

I weighed this morning at 167.4. I ate a little extra last night, wanted to boost my metabolism.

At midday, after intense room-cleaning, I was back to 166.2, which was nice.
I had to eat dinner with the family.


I didn't have to eat the entire bag of Starburst Gummies, or the entire bag of chocolate-covered pretzels.

And now I'm 168.4.

I hate myself, and I hate these binges that happen at home.


I didn't purge today or yesterday. It took a lot not to purge after my little 9 p.m. binge tonight. I wanted to so bad.



God, I'm pathetic. I know I say that a lot, and you guys reassure me that I'm not, but I am. I'm pathetic, and no one really pays attention to what I do anymore.
I wish wishing for things actually worked.



Hopefully I can sleep off these two pounds at wake up at the goal for this week, 166.
I hate being at home all day. I really do.

Alright.

So I purged again today, for the fourth day in a row.

I swore I wasn't going to.
And I might not have, were it not for going out with my friend after school. We got frozen yogurt, which is fine in itself, and had I just had the frozen yogurt, I probably wouldn't have purged (it did have strawberries and M&Ms on top, but whatever. I've been doing really well this week, with the exception of all the purging...).

But my friend got two big soft pretzels for herself and made me hold one. I told her not to, that I was going to eat it all.
She told me, "Go ahead."
So I did.
And I purged as soon as I got home.

Got all of the pretzel up, too. A little of the yogurt. The pretzel came up exactly the way it went down... Fast, in big chunks. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't painful or sticky in my throat like bread usually is, probably because of the yogurt.


I need to get out of this purging cycle.

On a brighter note, I woke up this morning at 166.4.

So I've already hit my goal weight for the week.
But I can't start slacking.

Because next week will be hell.
I'll be home almost all week (except for Tuesday and Wednesday- Tuesday I'm going on a college visit, and Wednesday I'm going to party at a completely different college. Yay, college parties!), which means lot of opportunities to purge. And binge. And be generally gross and fat.

I will be 140 by June 12. I will be 140 by June 12. I will be 140 by June 12.

Current measurements vs. old measurements

I know I don't usually post measurements, but I like the tiny differences I see from October 2009 to now.

(And I know ALL these measurements are HUGE)

October 11, 2009
Waist: 36
Hips: 40.5
Bust: (No measurement? Not sure why...)
Arms: 13
Thighs: 26

April 13, 2011
Waist: 32
Hips: 38.5
Bust: 40
Arms: 11.5
Thighs: 24

I know it's not a lot, and it's not as good as over the summer, but it makes me feel like the past three days of starving during the day and purging at night are kind of worth it.

Kind of?

I'm a big fat disappointment (emphasis on FAT)

I'm really fucking upset right now.

My play, the one I spent hours working on, putting every inch of myself and my problems and my soul into, didn't make it to the finals.

I'm a fucking semi-finalist, runner-up, for yet another time in my life.
Always. I'm never first place, always second or third or last.

I really don't mean to bore you guys with depressing shit about my life but it's like bam, bam, bam, this has just been a fucking year of rejections. And it hurts so bad, makes me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. And everything that's happened just proves that.


And I want someone to be here, to hug me when I push them away and realize when nothing's going right and ignore my fake smile when I say I'm fine.

Because I'm not fucking fine, and no one wants to acknowledge that.

Everyone is content to just accept it, because to be honest, no one wants to admit that other people have problems. We want to keep people as these porcelain dolls, who don't have problems. I might have issues, but HER? She's perfect, she doesn't have a care in the world.

Because we don't want to care. We don't give a shit about anything that happens outside our own little world. But we want other people to care.

The world's fucked. No one wants to fix it. Everyone wants someone else to fix it.


Well, fuck it. I'm fixing my own fucking world, one purge, one fast, one day at a time. I'm fixing it my way, and no one's going to fucking stop me.
And I'll come in first place.
And everyone will be jealous.

400

I haven't posted in awhile for a few reasons.

My least selfish reason is that this is my 400th post, and I wanted to save it for something special.

I don't know if this is special enough, but it's my life, my blog, and I'm going to do whatever I want with it.

My plan is to lose 30 pounds by June 12.
That's 62 days.
That's 10 weeks.

I know what you're thinking.
"Wow, Charlie, you're stupid. You know you can't do that."
"Give up now, you know you're just going to binge."


I'm thinking that, too.
But I've planned out every meal this week.
Each day does not exceed 999 calories (most stay within the 500-800 range).

I plan on working out every day, at least 30 minutes.

It's 3 pounds a week, which is difficult, but most definitely not impossible.

So this is my 400th post.
Wow. This sucks.




Hmm.. How to make this interesting.
I dunno.
I'm kind of bingeing right now, which is not good for 12:15 a.m., but I'm writing a fucking essay, so whatever.

Definitely pulling an all-nighter right now.
I haven't done this in awhile.

I just want to sleep forever.

Went to the doctor today, didn't get much of anything. No diagnosis, no meds, no nothing.

I have a low-grade fever, but I'm still getting crazy chills, and right now I'm so cold you'd think it was February.
But it's April, and the house is warm.


I want to stay home again tomorrow. But I think my dad still thinks I'm faking.
He always thinks I'm faking.


So all I need is a fever tomorrow, and I can stay home and sleep all day.





It was nice waking up this morning at 169.8, as I went to sleep at 172.


Now I've fucked it all up by eating so much... I haven't even been hungry.
Someone make me stop eating please. Please.

Fuck.

I'm sorry for being a terrible follower and blogger guys, this past week has been.... Ugh.


Thank you all for your supportive-ass comments, I really appreciate them, and I love every single one of you.


I'm having trouble forming coherent thoughts right now, or at least that's what I'm telling myself.
Somehow, between yesterday and today, I managed to get sick. Body aching, head throbbing, hacking, chilly, miserable sick.
My throat doesn't hurt yet, which is odd, because I always get sore throats when I get sick.


My unicorn Pillow Pet, Larry, keeps me company, because I have no one else who will.



Hah. I'm such a sad sack.
Every time I stand up my head throbs and says, "Sit your ass back down, motherfucker."
Food has no real appeal to me right now.



Which, unfortunately doesn't stop me from shoving it in my mouth.

I'm going to go to bed. I'll probably be home sick tomorrow (hopefully? I do not want to go to school like this), so I'll have time to catch up on all your blogs then.

Love you all. :]

Yet again, inadequate.

It's literally like no matter how hard I try, nothing ever works out how I want it to.

This year, I was supposed to have the lead role, great costumes, a wonderful boyfriend, an amazing body, and everything was supposed to fall into place.

This year, I got a shit part, the girl who got the lead has costumes ten times better than mine, I'm still fucking single for the eighteenth year of my life, I'm fatter than I was this time last year, and nothing is working out.
I also started throwing up my food, to add to my attractiveness.
There's always a catch, always SOMETHING has to fucking go wrong and then screw EVERYTHING fucking else up.


I was honestly contemplating suicide while I was in the shower. And I mean, I don't usually do that sort of thing, since I'm absolutely petrified of dying. But I was thinking about it, and how much fun it would be to go away forever and screw her fucking play up. They wouldn't have the play if one of the cast members was DEAD.


I'm going insane. I'm going absolutely fucking crazy and no one notices. No one notices when I start staring off into space, no one notices when I eat like a fucking pig, no one notices when I don't eat. I don't think they would notice if I just started purging right in front of them. I just want someone to realize that something's wrong, that my smile is so fucking fake. I want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay.

But no one will.
Because no one knows anything is wrong.


And every day, I pick my smile back up and put it on with fresh tape.
And eventually the tape won't be able to hold its weight.

Versatile Blogger Award

Thank you Lillie and Mina for this award!

Rules:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

The Seven Things
1. I'm an incredibly selfish and self-absorbed person.
2. I love animals and being in nature. I'm not fond of bugs, but I deal with them.
3. My favorite color is red.
4. I love quotes. I love looking up quotes, and I love writing them down in my quote book.
5. I play guitar, I have been for almost two years now.
6. I want to be a musical theatre actress.
7. My favorite number is eight, so I'm going to put eight things. Otherwise it will bother me.
8. I love A Day To Remember and Say Anything.

The Eight People (has to be eight, sorry. I'm a rule-breaker)
1. Heather: I haven't talked to you in so long! She's one of the first people I talked to on Blogger.
2. Zette: I know you've probably gotten this about ten thousand times already. She's one of the most inspirational people on here.
3. Anne: She had to delete her blog, but I've been emailing her (somewhat erratically, I'm sorry dear! It's Hell Week!)
4. Lillie: She's always posting amazing comments and encouraging everyone. I love you!
5. Lost In Space: She always reminds me- 2011 = Skinny 1's! And we're like the same person, so...
6. Lola: She is literally the cutest thing in the world.
7. Lund3on: I love her posts so much, it's not even funny. Of course, I'm a lazy bitch and rarely comment, but I still love them!
8. Lou: She's incredibly inspirational and has started doing some amazing vlogs lately!

The girl in the mirror.

"When will my reflection show who I am inside?"
-Mulan

I'm getting fatter and fatter with each passing day. I look terrible.
I feel nice. Well, less spinny, anyway.
But I look terrible.
And I kind of miss the spinny feeling.
But I can't run AT ALL this week (play practice until 8 every night), and food is ALWAYS present (hello, Binge Monster).

I need to LOSE WEIGHT. I need to stop being a fucking fatass. I need to stop bingeing and eatingandeatingandeating.


Black coffee. Diet Coke. Salad.
Black coffee. Diet Coke. Salad.
Black coffee. Diet Coke. Salad.



Someone tell me something to make me hate myself so much I just stop eating completely. Forever.

Hell Week

I'm so exhausted.

My diet this week will consist of black coffee, Diet Coke, and salad.

Becoming Alaska: First Order of Business

Becoming Alaska

First Order of Business

I'm starting a new blog segment. I know my blog is usually just random crap and I never follow through with rituals, but I'm going to start.
So, this is Becoming Alaska.
Coincidentally, the title of my new journal.

The point of this journey is not to be Alaska, nor to simply be a better version of me.
As my journal-self put it, "I'm becoming the Alaska-version of me."

And the First Order of Business is:

Attitude

Alaska is witty and comical and takes shit from NO ONE. She is blatantly against misogyny (grab a dictionary if you don't know), and complains frequently about women being portrayed as objects (yet objectifies herself by wearing revealing clothing). She is a big messy ball of contradictions.

So, for the First Order of Business, I will stop being complacent. I will voice my opinions about what's wrong with the world (even if I myself may directly contradict those opinions- Hey, I never denied being a hypocrite!), I will not let myself be walked upon, and I will be an absolute badass.

Alaska.

I always idolize characters in TV shows and books (books especially), wanting to be them.

Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley (Harry Potter), Blair Waldorf (Gossip Girl), Massie Block (The Clique), Serena (Sailor Moom, Sakura (Cardcaptors) Mikan (Gakuen Alice. DON'T JUDGE, I LOVE MANGA), Lia (Wintergirls), and Cassie (Skins) have all been girls I'd love to be.

And I've found a new one.

Alaska Young, from the novel Looking for Alaska, by John Green.

She is described as: "...gorgeous, clever, funny, sexy, self-destructive, screwed-up, and utterly fascinating..."


Two out of seven isn't that bad, is it?


Basically, this is a book you should read. It's... Holy shit, man. Holy shit.



That's all I have to talk about today. Sorry.

I'm down to 168.something after stuffing myself tonight.
Before I ate I was 166.8 (fuck).


I was 175.6 at the beginning of March, 173 on... sometime last week? I don't remember. And I'm trying to lose these eight pounds in ten days.

Which should be plausible, but because it's me... You all know. :]


My friend told me that he's gay today. It was... well, surprising, mostly because he's super-Catholic and his dad is... Well, his dad's not the nicest, most compassionate guy in the world. This kid's been through a lot over the past year (he was in an abusive household, now he lives with his aunt), and now he's coming out.
He's so adorable, though.


@Heather; I've missed you! I'm really out of shape too. I can't run for very long, I have to run and walk too, so you're not alone!

@Anne; I'd love to stay in touch! My email is toomanyringsaroundrosie@rocketmail.com, if you want to email me. :]

@Lillie; Thank you. :] You're beautifuller. Ahaha, God, I'm so overtired right now I'm making up words.

@Zette; It's so lovely that you're back! Everyone should check out rainymood.com. It's what I listen to when I'm sleeping!



I ran again today. And I've been doing arms and abs every day (that is, for the past two days). My muscles are sore. And I officially have diarrhea right now, no idea why (I know, TMI. Get over it).

I need sleep. Goodnight lovelies. :]