Sick of trying to write witty titles.

I'm still feeling irrelevant, though that's not my point tonight.



What is my point?
Lemme get back to you on that one.


Had a (relatively) good day, compared to my usual days. Still had a little mini-binge a few hours ago with some cheese and some crackers and some watermelon sherbet...

What is it about the sun going down that makes me want to shove food down my gullet?
(Not gonna lie, it made me really happy to use the word "gullet" in a sentence right there.)
Not to mention the fact that I've literally been waiting since six o'clock for a text from a boy that just arrived a little under an hour ago.

WHAT DO YOU DO IN COLLEGE THAT REQUIRES A FIVE HOUR REPLY-RATE?!?
(That was rhetorical, my dears)


Sigh.
Maybe once I'm in college, I'll understand.
Fuck, I want to go so badly.
But first I need senior year, college apps, college rejections, hopefully a few college acceptances, another summer... and THEN I can go to college.

Also, I've been getting this pain in my left side for some hours now... Approximately where my ovary is? I know, random... But it's like this twinge-y sort of pain. Nothing shocking, nothing un-handle-able. But kind of annoying.


Anyway... let's see.
Update on food intake? Check.
Pointless mini-rant about the opposite gender? Check.
Random biological observation? Check.

I seem to have covered all the basics. I have nothing left to say to you.
Except I love you. :]

Living for myself.

I took a few days (well, I was forced to take a few days), went to the family lake house, and contemplated.

While I pondered the meaning of life, and why he hasn't talked to me in two weeks, and stayed up until four in the morning, simply because I couldn't fall asleep, I came to a conclusion as to why it's been so difficult for me to get back into the swing of starving (p.s., I didn't come to this conclusion by myself. I had a little help from a post by OhMyGosh).

For all my seventeen years, I've been living simply for myself.
My binges were for me.
My starvation was for me.

For eight weeks this summer, I didn't live for me.
I lived for five to six kids per week.
I lived for all the boys and girls cabins that came through Nature to spend time hiking and playing games and finding creatures in the stream.
I lived for the other counselors, who quickly became some of my best friends.


And now that I'm back at home, I'm struggling to figure out who to live for.






Okay, okay, okay, I realize that sounds like I'm some depressed, suicidal kid.
I swear, I'm not. :]

Because now that I don't have to live for them, I'm living for me in the ways that I used to, before starving became my way of living for me.


(That means by eating. A lot.)





So excuse me while I go finish the ice cream that's in the freezer. And whatever else we have that's delicious.



And tomorrow, maybe I'll start living properly again.

Losing.

And not in the way I'd like.


Food was eaten yesterday (and today), due to dizzy spells at practice.



I feel like I'm losing relevance in my life.
And I have no idea how to get it back.




Suggestions? (Besides getting skinny, of course. I'm already working on that one...)

Have faith in me.

It's a good song, you should listen to it.

It's by A Day To Remember. ADTR and Say Anything have become my new addictions.

And Lucky Charms.

But that's another story.

That we're actually going to discuss right now.

Here's my plan for tonight. Go downstairs, eat a big fucking bowl of Lucky Charms, and fall asleep down there, because it's too fucking hot for August.

And then starve. For a few days.

I don't PLAN on eating until the football game on Friday (passing out during stunting would be a very very very bad idea).

However, since you all know me, and know I'm a fucking fatass douchebag, you know that I'll probably be eating first thing tomorrow morning.

And tomorrow afternoon.

And tomorrow evening.

I meant to tell you guys a story.

One of my nights off this summer, we were driving around, picking people up (like one of the guys' girlfriend, one of the guys' wife, etc.) and we were going to go to the movies. I kept getting stuck in the bitch seat (middle back seat, you know). Finally got out of it, and had some space when one of the guys got dropped off at his car, and then one of the other guys is like, "Oh, can we pick up my girlfriend?", so we're off, and the guy I was sitting in the backseat with starts making fun of me saying I'm stuck in the bitch seat. And her boyfriend, who had shotgun goes, "Oh don't worry it'll be fine. She's like, TINY."

Long story short I ended up bitch seat again, but the point of that was the way he described her.

Like it was GODLY to be that small, like he worshipped her for that (and she is tiny, maybe five foot two, and skinny as fuck. The nicest thing, too. I was jealous all night).

Anyway, that was my "eating disorder epiphany moment" of the summer. And I figured I'd take some time and share it with you. It probably makes NO sense at all, because I'm exhausted right now.

But there. A proper post.

Lucky Charms, here I come.

Fast ended, fourteen hours, with two mini bagels (cream cheese), two Nutrigrain bars (strawberry), and some Cran-Apple juice.



Love myself. :]

Liquid fast didn't happen today.

Hahaha, look at how fucking pathetic and fat I've become.



Shit, I hate this.
But I'm not changing it.
Someone tell me WHY.












Attempting to fast tomorrow.

All right.

Too much was eaten today.
That is fact.

Tomorrow is liquid fast.
That is also fact.





I had a really nice conversation with a boy today.
Surprisingly, he started it.
He was a counselor-in-training this summer, for two of the weeks.
I thought he was adorable.


He's like, fifteen though.
Which saddens me.





Stupid boy that I want is off at college having fun.
Stupid other boy that I want has a girlfriend.




Fuck, I have a headache.
I love you guys. Thank you for your comments. They make me feel more relevant. If that makes any sense at all.