New goals.

1. Fit into Roxy jeans (size 11) comfortably (that means LOOSE) by after-Thanksgiving camp party (November 26th).
2. Outshrink (not a word, I know, but it would be lovely) adorable dress from Forever 21 (so cute, it's red satin-y fabric, poofy, with a bow in the front!) by Semi-formal (December 11th).
3. Fit into National Honor Society shirt (who the FUCK ordered me a small?!? Was that me?!? What the hell, Charlie!) by 2011 (January 1st).
4. Be a lot lighter by my birthday (February 3rd).
5. Have most of gut-flab gone by spring (March 20th).
6. Be bathing-suit-ready by the last day of school (May 22nd).
7. Be sexy in a white dress for graduation (June 5th).
8. Have a bikini (and look good in it!) by the time camp starts (June 26th).



Maybe these goals will be more productive than number-based goals. I'm sick of the fucking scale anyway...


Oh, and thanks to red's comment (by the way, we probably are the same person. Let's bond over it), I now have a Twitter! It's charlotterose8, and I'm going to put something to do with it over in the sidebar. :]
So follow me, I'll follow you, we can follow each other...... -seductive eyebrow raise-

No but seriously.


Shit, how can I be fucking serious at a time like this?!?!?!

I'm going psycho.
And this stupid boy texted me again.
At five o fucking clock in the morning.









YOUMAKENOSENSE.

At the end of the day, I'm 169.4.

And happy about it, considering two nights ago after a binge I was 176. Binges make sense as Auntie Flo has now come to town like a motherfucker. The last period I got was so light I barely knew it was there. Not so much with this one.
Too much?
Oh well.




I'm still so confused about this guy business.
It doesn't make sense.
Why are you talking to me NOW?
A year ago, I would've been ecstatic. I would been all over this shit.

Now?
I can't stop thinking about K, the adorable guy from camp who was as awkwardly quiet around me as I was around him (for the most part. We were good friends, legit).
Now?
I need to focus on senior year, not this bullshit.
Now?
I really could care less that your ex-girlfriend is a whore (truth, she is, and I could've told you that when you first started dating).


Now?
I love you guys. You and your wonderful encouraging comments even when I'm just being a slacker in life.

Now..
It's time for sleep.

Because of my schedule right now, I. Can't. Starve.



And it's pissing me off.
Because I have to give blood in two weeks, because I can't get dizzy at cheerleading, because I just don't know.


So, my goal to get through the next through weeks sane and NOT FATTER is to eliminate bingeing. And worry about the starving secondarily.


I said last night I didn't have stories.
And when I posted, I didn't.
Then out of fucking nowhere, a guy that I've known all my life, that I was completely in love with for most of my life, texted me after not talking to me. At 1:30 in the fucking morning.
We talked until almost 4:00 a.m., then we were talking tonight.

I'm pretty sure he just fucking annoys me now.



Isn't that funny? This guy, who I've been wishing for so long would talk to me finally starts. But the guy I really want to talk to I'm pretty sure thinks I'm just a fucking annoying little kid.



I love all your comments. :] Thank you so much. They put a smile on my face when everything else is a mess. <3

Starting my life over tomorrow.
Because I'm too fucking fat.



I don't even feel any initiative to make a change, either.
I just want an easy way out.
But there is no easy way out.

It's either starve and get thinner, or don't starve and get fatter.

And, let's be honest, no one ever wants to get fatter, no matter what those naturally skinny bitches say.

I wish I had stories to tell you.
But I have no guys, my friends are, well, annoying, and I don't talk to my friends from camp like, at all.
I have my road test scheduled for next week.
Yeah, that's right, I'm almost eighteen and still don't have my license.



I realize I'm rambling. I have to go to sleep so I can wake up in five hours.
I took a four hour nap today. It was amazing.



Goodnight. I love you all, thank you for your kind words. :]

Losing track of time.

And of my appetite.

What the fuck?
How did I let myself go so far as to get to a weight I haven't weighed since FEBRUARY 2010?!

Shocker: It's like squeezing into a fucking sausage roll when I try on a dress I bought three weeks ago.

Three weeks ago, it was too big in the chest.
This week, my tits barely fit in it.



I don't know where I'm going with my life here.


I don't have the energy to rant, so I'll go get some fucking cookies and milk and do some fucking homework.
And attempt to get into college.

Sacreligious.

Warning: RANT. If you don't care, don't read.


I really, really, really hate religion.
Of all forms.

Because no matter how many sane, rational people there are, there are always those few religious nuts.
Like Muslim extremists.
Because of them, simple-minded people now view Islam as this horrible religion that condones terrorism, etc.
Like Christian extremists.
Who take a book written by biased old men hundreds of years ago literally.
Like this guy who was going to burn as many copies of the Qur'an as he could on September 11.

I was baptized Methodist.
I don't go to church anymore.


To me, church is just a big conglomeration of fake, hypocritical people who act holy, but aren't really.
At least I can fucking admit to it.
I feel like a lot of violence could have been prevented if there were no religions in the world.
The Crusades, for one.

I'm spiritual.
I'd like to think I'm a moderately spiritual person.


But take your shit religion and stuff it down the throat of someone else please.

/endrant.

----

On a different note, my 48 hour fast was a (total) bust, but I'm trying something new. I'll tell you about it if it fucking works.
Holy mother of shit, I'm fat.

Clean.

I went on some sort of hyper cleaning-spree today. My room looks mostly (grossly) clean.
I'm shocked.
Am I turning into one of those weird orderly people?

Dear God, I hope so.


@Lost In Space; I had no idea that people (well, women) could actually feel ovulation. But I think that's exactly what it is. So odd!
As for the 48 hour fast, I'm in. Don't know how long I'll last, but I'm in. :]

Anyone else care to join?




In other news, I've decided that I'm far too busy for boys.
This is meant to replace my "not caring" thing, which didn't work out.



Of course, once I decide I'm too busy, they ALL wanna talk.
Whatever. Talk to the hand.
I'm busy improving myself.
Starting with the flab that grace my body so ungracefully.

48 hours starts at 12:00 p.m., let's do this!