Connected.

I miss being connected, especially to you guys. I think that's what I'll miss most when I'm at camp this summer.

I'm glad I was able to scare a few of you! :] Got your heart rate up a tad, that's good..

To answer a question, I asked the question about honesty because I am rarely honest, except with you guys, and I wanted to know how I compare! (attention whore, also)

I weigh 155.2 on my scale, and 154.4 on my parents' scale. That's four or five pounds in five days. Holy shit.
I like running. I do. My legs aren't as sore anymore, I rarely get out of breath, and I only stop running to walk when I feel like it. Or when I get.... (cue dramatic music!) a CRAMP. Jesus, I fucking hate it, I get a cramp in the exact same spot every time I go running (usually within the first five minutes). My dad thinks I stressed the muscle, wants me to take a day off.
If he had told me to take a day off three days ago, I would've said "fine".
But now?
HELL TO THE NO, SIR.

I just feel so... Free? Is that the right word? I've always been an exercise-phobe, always hated it, always said, "I'm never going to be able to be one of those girls who runs."

Hell, look at me now, I run. Not for very long, but I'm working on it, I guess. I had been running around the lake (Saturday and Sunday) until a dog that had previously been nice snapped at me. I don't like that. So today I just ranwalked for fifteen or twenty minutes. Got a major cramp. Since I didn't go as far as I did previous days, I convinced my mom to go for a walk around the lake with me.


And, dude, I think I was flirted with by one of the guys at the camp I'm going to be working at? He's not my type, too much facial hair, but still... Or maybe he was just being stupid.
That's it. He was showing off for the skinny girl that was there. Jesus, Charlie, don't jump to fucking conclusions.
I need a shower. And I need to finish a paper that was due two weeks ago. And this entry is looooong. I want to respond to your comments, but I just don't have TIME right now! I also drew you guys a picture of myself, I'll post that later. Love you all, so much. Thanks for leaving me comments to ease my attention-whore side!

Farewell.

I won't be back................















Until Monday.
Heh.
I'm going to the lake this weekend with my parents, and we're staying until Monday evening.



By the way, I've lost about three pounds in the past three days. Running is my new savior. I can already feel myself getting better... Or did I tell you guys that already?

Lave me some comment love, I could really use some right now.
If you can't think of anything particularly wonderful to say (I often feel that way...), go ahead and answer this question:
When was the last time you told someone, in complete honesty, how you really felt? When was it (approximately)? What happened?

You're one in a million.

L said that to me today.


Alright, it wasn't meant the way I wish it were, but still. A girl can dream.


.......


Okay, I guess I'll put it into context for you guys. Warning, it makes everything seem less amazing.
Everyone was talking in class, not paying attention to the teacher as usual, and he made a comment about how everyone hates our math teacher, so I laughed and said "I don't! I love him he's so cute!" (Because he is, he's like this little gay man, can't be taller than five foot. So cute.)
And L responds with a smile and, "Yeah, well, you're one in a million."




God, I'm so pathetic. Getting all worked up over that ONE LITTLE COMMENT Jesus I feel so pathetic right now. Like, what the fuck. Not to mention that after my run I went and shared fries and had two slices of pizza with a friend. NO FUCKING POINT IN RUNNING THEN, HUH?
Just for that, I'm running twice tomorrow- in the morning and in the afternoon.




Yes, Polly Dolly, I do run in the cemetery during the day- it scares me at night! But I've lived across from it my entire life, so it's not really creepy to me anyway. Besides, it's not the kid of cemetery that only has rows and rows of tombstones, it's more of a park with dead people in it. XD Like, big trees, gravel trails, a few roads, etc.
I used to legitimately stalk my crushes. The one who runs lives a few streets from me, and we went to the same elementary school. When I liked him in sixth grade, I used to make my mom drive past his house on our way home, not to mention it was the longer way!

I'm still that pathetic, I'm just not as obvious anymore.


I hope.

"We're creatures of the underworld. We can't afford to love."

That's from Moulin Rouge, one of the best movies of all time. Give me Baz Luhrmann over James Cameron, any day.


I feel like I've been away from you guys for an age.
But it's really only been a day.

I'm trying to think of something good to say, but nothing's coming.
I'm not interesting or exciting.
Just fucked up.

So I've been working on this post for an hour.

I really have nothing to say.

I came on yesterday, to check on everyone and see how everything is going. Didn't post. Went for a run.

Came home today. Checked everything out.
Went for a run.
Went to a meeting for cheerleading (My coach, who I haven't cheered for since last year, said to me "Wow, you look great! Have you lost weight?!" Made me smile for a little bit. I'm going to be the only senior on the football cheer team, yay).
Came home.



Jesus, I'm fucking pathetic.

I've been running since yesterday (it feels like ages. But I'm already feeling better while running, after two days (pathetic), except for the awful side cramps I get. I'm working on the whole "stretching" thing, I've never really been a fan. XD

I must admit though, my running is not solely weight loss motivated. Eheheh. A guy I liked earlier this year, V, has started training for football, as always, and his running route goes straight by my house. I don't run on the street (too many people staring at my fat jiggling) so I go across the street from my house and run in the cemetery. I figure, eventually, we'll run (HAHA, RUN) into each other, right?

Right.

Well, I'm off to do... God knows what. Not eat. Eating has been moderately good these past couple of days. I finally got my period (I know, I know- too much!), and promptly lost my voracious appetite.

I'm going to sleep.
Not studying for my history test.

So funny.

You guys know me so well. I don't know about exercise tonight. However, it's fucking hot here. Like high eighties. It's supposed to be 91 tomorrow.

The city I live has held records for snowfall-we (and by we I mean I) are not meant for this heat.

I guess today wasn't so bad so far. Had a box of orange juice for breakfast (90), had my salad, sans dressing (so pissed, 45). Came home, had my worst of the day, some sherbet (200). Currently sipping V8 Splash Diet (see below, approximately 20)
I'm going to have half a mini Lean Cuisine Pizza for dinner. Or maybe just a salad. Shit. I don't know.

Oh, my gosh, you guys I found the best thing since V8 Splash (the juice with 50 calories per cup).
V8 Splash Diet. TEN CALORIES PER CUP.
I didn't even measure the shit when I poured it in, like I usually do.



So I heard some funny things today. In art, some of my friends and this other girl and I were talking about things, like we usually do, and somehow, L came into our conversation.
Apparently, people think he's gay!
And now that I think about it, it's definitely possible, although if he is, he's so deep in the fucking closet I doubt anyone would be able to get him to admit it. I don't like him anymore (lie, I kind of do... But if he ends up actually being gay, I'd feel silly), but he is a really nice guy.

Apparently, (and these are other peoples' reasons why they think he's gay) he gets really agitated when people bring up homosexuality, and doesn't talk about girls like, at all.
And (something that makes me happy, yet is possibly the strongest pointer towards his gayness), he doesn't hook up with girls like the rest of the guys do (which is surprising, since everyone was all on his cock when he came back from boarding school).

It's a mystery.



I was in Old Navy today, getting t-shirts for screen printing (what we're doing in art). As I'm perusing racks, I hear a girl say to her mom, "They don't sell thin people clothes here."


....

I looked down at my size large/medium/10/12 clothes.
Also wanted to bitch slap her, because some of my skinny friends shop at Old Navy (I love Old Navy, their clothes used to be really tacky, but now the clothes are actually really cute!).




Anyway, that was my day. Love you all! Tell me about your day.

I need _______________

Shit, I don't know what I need.

I've been on benders in the past, but not this bad.
I will probably weigh 161 tomorrow.
I've gained five pounds in the past two weeks WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING CHARLIE?


There's a voice in my head screaming "STOP STOP STOP EVERYTHING YOU'VE WORKED SO HARD FOR GET YOUR ASS OFF THE COUCH AND GO RUN GET A FUCKING TAN THEN YOU WON'T LOOK SO FAT I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!"


But I don't listen to it.
I just pick up a book to block out the voice and GORGE AND GORGE AND GORGE.
I can't liquid fast. I can't ABC. I can't Chemical Diet.
What the hell do I do?!? This hasn't happened to me recently, I have no idea how to get off this massive, two week binge.
I need help. I need help I need help I need help.
Help me.


Maybe I should go see my therapist. Talk to her about the bingeing. Maybemaybe. Oh, fuck, I couldn't do that, who am I kidding? I can't even open up to my own parents.


Okay, Charlie, even though you're pathetic for making a new plan every day, we're going to ease back into this.

Here's tomorrow's plan.

Breakfast:
Mini-carton of OJ (90)
Lunch:
Salad (130)
Strawberries (45)
Dinner:
Tomato soup (130)
Salad (130)
Dessert:
Strawberries (45)

Total: 570

Eek. But at least it should keep me eating through the day and not flailing and bingeing, right?
For exercise, I'll go for a run.

Thank you for your beautiful comments. I love you all, even though I gained and lost a follower this weekend (I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. -shifty eyes- Not really. :]).
Love you guys. Stay strong and wonderful, even when I can't. I know you do.

Failure.

My good day ended in failure when my mom took me to the grocery store.

Half a medium bag of peanut butter M&Ms and half a loaf of french bread and three quarters of a Soup-At-Hand later, I realize that it's time for a new plan.

Because as much as I can blame this on hormones, I can also blame myself for being a FAT FUCK.




I've decided to go with the tried and true, true-blue method. ABC.


Fifty days, you know the drill. I'm starting the first seven off as liquid. Wish me luck. I'll throw out the rest of the M&Ms and bread tonight.