I hate you. Go crawl up someone else's vag. Leave me alone.
...
Sorry.
I didn't weigh myself this morning, didn't feel like it. Too cold. Had a good lunch. Small. Jut the way I like it. My stomach was grumbling after play practice, which has somehow started becoming a pleasure, whenever my stomach makes hungry feed-me noises.
So, I got in the car, and was off to dance class, happy as a clam.
Then I saw the bag.
The white bag.
With the red and yellow stripes and designs.
Along with the matching red and yellow and white cup.
FUCK.
"I thought you might be hungry, so I stopped and grabbed you a couple hamburgers at McDonald's!" My mom is always so chipper and cheerful...THAT'S 500 FUCKING CALORIES RIGHT THERE.
And I ate them.
I scarfed them down. Chloe was so pleased with me.
But lately, when I binge, any sort of high I got from the binge dissipates immediately, and I'm left grouchy and crabby. The fact that I feel like shit from being a fucking female doesn't really help either. Oh, and I weighed in just now at 164. Fuckk.
I had an amazing dance class though. The lady who taught it, not my usual teacher, is so nice and pretty. Not that my regular instructor isn't.
But this lady, who also takes the class, is just epically amazing. She's a wonderful dancer, so skinny, flexible, strong, exquisite. Pretty much everything I want to be.
Everything that she taught us, she told us what we were doing was beautiful, lovely.
I just have to look in the misshapen dance room mirror to know those aren't true.
On another note, I'm making and effort to start flirting with L, the guy who sits near me in chemistry, kind of like what Scarlet was doing (yes, I pay attention even when I don't comment :]).
That's all for today. So much more to say, but I don't want to bore you all. I'll save it for a day when I have nothing to say.
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Hey! I love reading about your dance class...even if you don't see that you're beautiful yet, WE all know better. ;) We'll all get there. <3
ReplyDeleteThose noodles are NOT tofu! They're no where close! They do have an odor (they're packed in water that smells a bit fishy) but it rinses away cleanly under hot water, then they take on the flavor of whatever sauce or broth you like. They're really amazing. They're made from veggie fiber and water...they're kind of transparent/white, but have no flavor on their own. It's fantastic. You can check them out here: www.miraclenoodle.com.
Hope that helps! :D
Stay lovely! <3
fast food is the devil and so are the enablers who willing fork up money to pay for it without notifying you beforehand!! i hate it when people think theyre being nice... i just want to slap them for it.
ReplyDeletebut then i feel bad because how should they know that what they are doing is mutilation? they think theyre being considerate..
start over tomorrow you can do this
good luck with flirting :]]] it gives you the most amazing high if your successful
<333
Don't worry about any gain, it'll disappear when you're off your period ; )haha! Your first line was so funny :D
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the fast food though : ( Is there any way you can tell your mom you won't eat it anymore? Or maybe you could claim that you're saving it and throw it away?
But if the McD's was 500 and your lunch was around 200 and you didn't eat anything else, then 700 wouldn't be bad at all :D
I have an absolutely lovely dance instructor too. Such good thinspo...
Good luck with the boy in chem.
Stay strong <3
It's crazy how our mind lies to us when we look in the "misshapen dance room mirror."
ReplyDeleteI love dancing too - which is more of a recent revelation for me. As a part of my recovery, it was amazing to see what I could do WITH my body instead of TO it.
Hang in there. Your words are so beautiful - you are too.