Yet again, inadequate.

It's literally like no matter how hard I try, nothing ever works out how I want it to.

This year, I was supposed to have the lead role, great costumes, a wonderful boyfriend, an amazing body, and everything was supposed to fall into place.

This year, I got a shit part, the girl who got the lead has costumes ten times better than mine, I'm still fucking single for the eighteenth year of my life, I'm fatter than I was this time last year, and nothing is working out.
I also started throwing up my food, to add to my attractiveness.
There's always a catch, always SOMETHING has to fucking go wrong and then screw EVERYTHING fucking else up.


I was honestly contemplating suicide while I was in the shower. And I mean, I don't usually do that sort of thing, since I'm absolutely petrified of dying. But I was thinking about it, and how much fun it would be to go away forever and screw her fucking play up. They wouldn't have the play if one of the cast members was DEAD.


I'm going insane. I'm going absolutely fucking crazy and no one notices. No one notices when I start staring off into space, no one notices when I eat like a fucking pig, no one notices when I don't eat. I don't think they would notice if I just started purging right in front of them. I just want someone to realize that something's wrong, that my smile is so fucking fake. I want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay.

But no one will.
Because no one knows anything is wrong.


And every day, I pick my smile back up and put it on with fresh tape.
And eventually the tape won't be able to hold its weight.

Versatile Blogger Award

Thank you Lillie and Mina for this award!

Rules:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

The Seven Things
1. I'm an incredibly selfish and self-absorbed person.
2. I love animals and being in nature. I'm not fond of bugs, but I deal with them.
3. My favorite color is red.
4. I love quotes. I love looking up quotes, and I love writing them down in my quote book.
5. I play guitar, I have been for almost two years now.
6. I want to be a musical theatre actress.
7. My favorite number is eight, so I'm going to put eight things. Otherwise it will bother me.
8. I love A Day To Remember and Say Anything.

The Eight People (has to be eight, sorry. I'm a rule-breaker)
1. Heather: I haven't talked to you in so long! She's one of the first people I talked to on Blogger.
2. Zette: I know you've probably gotten this about ten thousand times already. She's one of the most inspirational people on here.
3. Anne: She had to delete her blog, but I've been emailing her (somewhat erratically, I'm sorry dear! It's Hell Week!)
4. Lillie: She's always posting amazing comments and encouraging everyone. I love you!
5. Lost In Space: She always reminds me- 2011 = Skinny 1's! And we're like the same person, so...
6. Lola: She is literally the cutest thing in the world.
7. Lund3on: I love her posts so much, it's not even funny. Of course, I'm a lazy bitch and rarely comment, but I still love them!
8. Lou: She's incredibly inspirational and has started doing some amazing vlogs lately!

The girl in the mirror.

"When will my reflection show who I am inside?"
-Mulan

I'm getting fatter and fatter with each passing day. I look terrible.
I feel nice. Well, less spinny, anyway.
But I look terrible.
And I kind of miss the spinny feeling.
But I can't run AT ALL this week (play practice until 8 every night), and food is ALWAYS present (hello, Binge Monster).

I need to LOSE WEIGHT. I need to stop being a fucking fatass. I need to stop bingeing and eatingandeatingandeating.


Black coffee. Diet Coke. Salad.
Black coffee. Diet Coke. Salad.
Black coffee. Diet Coke. Salad.



Someone tell me something to make me hate myself so much I just stop eating completely. Forever.

Hell Week

I'm so exhausted.

My diet this week will consist of black coffee, Diet Coke, and salad.

Becoming Alaska: First Order of Business

Becoming Alaska

First Order of Business

I'm starting a new blog segment. I know my blog is usually just random crap and I never follow through with rituals, but I'm going to start.
So, this is Becoming Alaska.
Coincidentally, the title of my new journal.

The point of this journey is not to be Alaska, nor to simply be a better version of me.
As my journal-self put it, "I'm becoming the Alaska-version of me."

And the First Order of Business is:

Attitude

Alaska is witty and comical and takes shit from NO ONE. She is blatantly against misogyny (grab a dictionary if you don't know), and complains frequently about women being portrayed as objects (yet objectifies herself by wearing revealing clothing). She is a big messy ball of contradictions.

So, for the First Order of Business, I will stop being complacent. I will voice my opinions about what's wrong with the world (even if I myself may directly contradict those opinions- Hey, I never denied being a hypocrite!), I will not let myself be walked upon, and I will be an absolute badass.

Alaska.

I always idolize characters in TV shows and books (books especially), wanting to be them.

Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley (Harry Potter), Blair Waldorf (Gossip Girl), Massie Block (The Clique), Serena (Sailor Moom, Sakura (Cardcaptors) Mikan (Gakuen Alice. DON'T JUDGE, I LOVE MANGA), Lia (Wintergirls), and Cassie (Skins) have all been girls I'd love to be.

And I've found a new one.

Alaska Young, from the novel Looking for Alaska, by John Green.

She is described as: "...gorgeous, clever, funny, sexy, self-destructive, screwed-up, and utterly fascinating..."


Two out of seven isn't that bad, is it?


Basically, this is a book you should read. It's... Holy shit, man. Holy shit.



That's all I have to talk about today. Sorry.

I'm down to 168.something after stuffing myself tonight.
Before I ate I was 166.8 (fuck).


I was 175.6 at the beginning of March, 173 on... sometime last week? I don't remember. And I'm trying to lose these eight pounds in ten days.

Which should be plausible, but because it's me... You all know. :]


My friend told me that he's gay today. It was... well, surprising, mostly because he's super-Catholic and his dad is... Well, his dad's not the nicest, most compassionate guy in the world. This kid's been through a lot over the past year (he was in an abusive household, now he lives with his aunt), and now he's coming out.
He's so adorable, though.


@Heather; I've missed you! I'm really out of shape too. I can't run for very long, I have to run and walk too, so you're not alone!

@Anne; I'd love to stay in touch! My email is toomanyringsaroundrosie@rocketmail.com, if you want to email me. :]

@Lillie; Thank you. :] You're beautifuller. Ahaha, God, I'm so overtired right now I'm making up words.

@Zette; It's so lovely that you're back! Everyone should check out rainymood.com. It's what I listen to when I'm sleeping!



I ran again today. And I've been doing arms and abs every day (that is, for the past two days). My muscles are sore. And I officially have diarrhea right now, no idea why (I know, TMI. Get over it).

I need sleep. Goodnight lovelies. :]