Thursday, April 29, 2010


Even though intake wasn't the best today, I managed to be 159.0 at the end of the day (didn't weigh myself this morning....Was afraid).
Then I had two mini bowls of cereal.

Not perfection, but I'm getting there.

Prom is TOMORROW. My hair appointment is scheduled, my nail and toenail appointment is scheduled, my dress is hemmed, my shoes are silver, and I'm just... not excited.
I should be.
I know I should be.
I mean, it's my Junior fucking prom.

But I'm not excited.
Maybe because I know it's just going to be a disappointment.
God knows I've had enough of those in my life.

PollyDolly said, "honestly, sometimes its because guys are afraid of rejection so they aim lower. i know, i know, everyone says that just to make you feel better, but half the time its true."

I don't believe it, but it does make me smile to think that.
Thank you guys for all your wonderful comments and for dealing with me when I'm being absolutely crazy and pathetic (and if I get a comment saying I'm not... well, I won't believe you!) and psychotic.
I love you guys.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I don't get it.

I love you guys, but I just don't get it.

My horrible, oppressive, mean, rude, obnoxious, always-has-to-be-right, in-your-face friend has a date.
My wonderful, bitchy (to other bitches), kick-ass friend has a date.
My friend with a boyfriend has a date.
My Skinny Annoying Friend (SAF) has a date.
The Midget (who I realized today has the biggest muffin-top ever, and has gotten really fat) has a date.
All the skanks have dates.
My non-friend who is disgusting and nasty and creepy (she gives of major lesbian vibes- not the cool kind of lesbian that's awesome, I'm not homophobic, I swear, the creepy lesbian that doesn't know when to stop touching) has a date.
All the guys asked sophomores, so now I'm going to have the most annoying fucking slutty sophomores at MY prom.

Ever since, like, middle school, I've wanted to go to prom with an awesome dress, and awesome hair, and an awesome body, and an awesome date.
I have one of those things.
I decided I'm fasting tomorrow through Friday night. We're having dinner at prom.
Dear God, help me stay strong.

I can't believe I'm fucking stressing over a stupid dance. With stupid people that I only have to deal with for one more year. Thank you guys for always being here when I need you most. And even when I don't need you (but don't worry, I always need you).

I guess it's a blessing that I'm not happy. Happiness makes me forget why I fucking suck (hello, Fat, are you listening?). And that makes me eat.
I don't want to eat.
I don't want to be fat.
I just want to float away.

Give up.

It's useless.
What's the point?
There is no point.
You're never going to be good enough.
You're never going to get what you want.
You're never going to get everything done.
No one's ever going to love you.
You're always going to be fat.
You'll never be perfect.
You're always going to fuck up.
You'll never succeed.
Forget about college.
You're not getting in with those grades.
Forget about guys.
No one's ever going to like you with that fat stomach.
Forget about friends.
It's not like they really like you anyway.
Forget about yourself.
Like you were really that great?
You're always going to be two giant steps behind.
You're always going to be a loser.
You're never going to get what you want,

Just give up.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Today was...

Too long.

Well, I was doing well today until dinner... More Pilates to make up for it... Fuck I'm sore.
I don't really feel much like talking or writing today. I just need to go play guitar, do my Pilates and push-ups, and go to bed. Fuck homework, that I'm days behind on. Fuck that the marking period ends Friday. Fuck all of that. It's my time right now.

Monday, April 26, 2010

I feel pathetic.

For thinking that today would be happy.
For thinking that C would stop being a bitch and start acting like my friend.
For thinking that L could actually like me.
For thinking that anyone sees me as anything but a fat, nasty bump in the rug.

I know I said I was going to try to put it in God's hands. I think I'm just going to let it go completely.

Dance class is really the only thing that truly makes me happy anymore...

Thank you all so much for your feedback. I've decided you guys are right (what else is new??). I'm not going to tell my therapist, however good at hiding things and lying I may be.
Hell, I don't even know if I'm going to go back to her.

Intake today has been decent, I guess.
My "normal" eating brought the total around 800 probably? Actually, probably more, that's my lowish estimate. I don't really feel like adding everything. Too high, but my new plan involves moderation, along with allowing a little bit of indulgence to prevent bingeing.
And so far, it's been working okay.
My new favorite snack is croutons. The Texas Toast kind. Mmm. But I know, carbs, calories, bad. Making lunch has helped. I'm hoping to wean myself off of food enough so that I can fast Thursday. Weighed in at 159.0 this morning. Fucking stuck there, but it also may be because I've been doing more strength than cardio (that's right, I've been getting off my fat ass to actually attempt exercise. I'm liking these Pilates moves I found in an old Seventeen magazine, which by the way is totally geared towards incredibly immature readers and preteens. I'll take a Cosmo over Seventeen any day).

And since Blogger is being a FUCKING DOUCHE, I have a single unmoderated comment. I'm sorry, currently unknown commenter! I want want WANT to see it so badly BUT IT'S FUCKING NOT WORKING.

Alright, time to work on my job application. Love you guys.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Mmm, Caramel Macchiato.

I'm so thrilled, my email buddy, who has been going through a very rough time lately and hasn't been able to keep in touch emailed me today.
I was starting to get really worried; I'm so relieved now.

I decided to eat like a normal human being again... I can't do this fast-binge-fast-binge. I can't keep doing it.

So I'm going to try to eat like a normal human being. Except, more restrictive, obviously.
I'll type up a plan in a few minutes and post it later, when I'm finished with my essay. Since you guys love seeing my plans and watching me fail at them! Hah. :]

Also, I wanted your opinions, so I better see some comments from everyone (-points at self- Attention Whore, with a capital "W").
I'm considering telling my therapist (who I have not seen in over two months) about my Binge Eating Disorder, or at least how I think I have it.
My reasoning is, then I can get treated for BED (however they do that; more therapy, no doubt), while still restricting. Yes? No? Leave me a comment. I don't know that I trust her though, then my parents might get involved, then they ask questions, and I DON'T WANT TO ANSWER THEIR QUESTIONS. I can talk to my parents about anything, really... Except myself. You guys are the only ones I can talk about myself to.

Alright, time to write an A.P. English essay. Bleh.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Thanks, guys.

Thank you for your wonderful comments, they really made me feel better.

(See how neurotic I am over teeny little things? Like, I know a lot of you guys don't use your real names, but I still wanted to get that out!)

I love love LOVE how Cate put it:
"When people know you so well, the real you, something like a name becomes irrelevant."

Pretty much made me tear up.
Pretty much.

Alright, I need to work on school projects and not eat. School projects and not eat.

I did eat today, so phail on the liquid phast (like how I put "ph" instead of "f"? Doesn't make me feel any less phat.... Teehee, I'll stop now).
Food just tastes so good right now... And I'm PMSing, no doubt. My back started hurting and my stomach started cramping. I just wish it would start already and get it over with, and not wait until the day before, like it did with the play.
Fuck you, nature.
Fuck you.
I'd rather lay eggs, there, I said it.

I'm feeling kind of loopy, not sure if it was the pepperoni pizza slice I had or the sugar-free Jell-o, or the sherbet. Any of the three could be plausible.
Considering fasting tomorrow, completely.

I think I'll go have a salad.

Love you guys.


0/21 binge-free
1/2 liquid fast
Morning weigh in: 157.4
Total weight lost (since Thursday): 4.6 pounds

So I've been feeling awful about the biggest (and possibly only) lie I've told you guys, which is my name.
You've all realized by now I have... issues with my anonymity, and keeping it. This stems from my unwillingness to get caught doing this sort of thing, which would be, well, awful.
The reason I feel so bad about not telling you guys my real name is because you are the only ones who know the real me. Everyone in my real-life knows bits and pieces, but everything I am and everything I have is laid before you; because I know you would never judge me like they do. There's something to be said about the online friendships I've formed over the past five months- I like all of you better than my in-person friends.
The reason I can't tell you my real name is... Well, it's not so common in this day and age. I don't think there are too many people out there with my stats AND my name. So I'll be going around as Charlie, still.

I really needed to get this out in the open, it's been bothering me awhile.
Alright, back to cleaning. I'll update again later. Love you guys! :]

Friday, April 23, 2010


I... talked to my mom.
No, not about any of this stuff.

But I told her that I'm liquid fasting.
Her words?
"Go for it!"

And somehow, permission makes me want to less. But I will. Because I have to. Only until Sunday, but a full 48 hours.

God, is it horrible to say I miss the 160s and 170s? The weight came off so much easier...

Alright. Time for a new plan.

-Work out every day. Strength or cardio. Just DO ONE.
-Wean off of junk food. Did you know that drastically cutting your sweets (especially if you're big on them) can have some of the same effects as a druggie going through withdrawal? Don't know if that's true, I've never done drugs.
-Try to stay below 500 solid calories a day. Although I should count them, liquids don't count in this.
-Get to a stable 155 by April 30 (prom)

Eh. It's not my best plan. I know. I'll work on it..

Broken. Fuck.

Yeah, I had to break it.

The fast, I mean. 43 hours, approximately.

My mom was getting suspicious. Fuck it.
My dad commented to me earlier that I looked like I'd lost weight, so I asked my mom about it (usually he doesn't comment on that sort of thing). She said that he had mentioned it to her, and that she had told him I had been eating healthier, not exercising, but eating healthier. And then she made a comment to me, "Yeah, like eating nothing,"

Oh shit. What?
"Nahh, Mom, I eat like all the time."
"Not much..."

I went on to cite past binges over the week, and told her I wanted mac n' cheese for dinner, got her off my back...

But, I'm still 2/21 days binge-free, didn't eat THAT many Reese's Pieces (while reading a Cosmo article about Heidi Klum, no less).
I even gave my mom the bag once we got out of the car and told her to get rid of the rest.

I think I'll liquid fast tomorrow and Sunday. I don't think I could keep this up during the school week. So many people yelling at me for not eating.

It's not like I fucking need it, okay? You see the giant love handles or my potbelly?! Jesus.

Liquid Fast, Day 2; Dreams.

Liquid fast, Day 2
Start weight: 162.0
Current weight: 157.6
Weight lost so far: 4.4 pounds (um, what?)
Calories consumed today: 0, as of yet. Just woke up!
Projected calories: Eh. Not sure.

So I had a dream last night...
I dreamed that I woke up, wanting some of the delicious bagels and cream cheese and cookies my mom had brought home on a black plastic platter (she didn't actually bring that home, by the way). So I ate it all. Completely, utterly binged, even though it had been liquid fast day.

So I'm wondering: was this some sort of premonition? That I'm going to screw up today? Or was it to give me strength so I DON'T screw up? My subconscious confuses me...

Thank you for your lovely comments, girls. I really adore them, I do.
I had something else to say. But I don't remember what.

Top Eight Fairytales I Wish I Could Be In
1. Alice In Wonderland
2. Cinderella
3. Beauty and the Beast
4. Peter Pan
5. Swan Lake
6. Aladdin
7. The Frog Prince
8. Thumbelina

Thursday, April 22, 2010


I'm not sure if it's from fasting or from wearing my hair up all day.

I cleaned the bathroom. Now my nails are all chipped up. How am I supposed to impress the ice cream and candy shope I want to work for this summer with chipped nails? (Hah, yeah. I realize. Ice cream shop. Candy shop. Isn't it just delightfully ironic?)

I think I'm going to name my stomach. Jason.
It sounds much better to say "Jason is growling right now." Rather than "My stomach is growling right now.
It's like a rabid dog. Or a lion.

Like, Jason, from The Sound and The Fury. What as bastard. But then, I dislike him almost as much as I hate my stomach and my fat... So it fits.

I feel like doing a less introspective list today. Something...Superficial.

Things I Like To Do In The Summer
1. Boy-watch (with binoculars!).
2. Swim.
3. Sleep in.
4. Go to parties.
5. Hang out with people I actually like.
6. Get a little bit less pale (with SPF 45, I swear!)
7. Play guitar and write songs with careless abandon.
8. Go for long walks.
9. Not go to school.
10. Summer camps.
11. Make money.
12. Stay up late.
13. Have all-day movie marathons with me, myself, and I.
14. Ride around in the boat.
15. Dye my hair any color I want.
16. Be alone.

1/9 Liquid fast
1/21 Binge free


I got some really awesome comments from all of you today.

So, while my parents expect me to stop my Spring Break festivities and fucking clean (yeah, that's going to happen when my nails are wet...), I wanted to thank you all for them.

Since I have, like, no attention span whatsoever, I wanted to talk about some comments that really caught my eye.
Of course, all of your comments caught my eye in their own special way- I swear! I love you all equally, I do. So, no feelings of being left out if I don't acknowledge your comment, okay? Okay. Since we're clear on that, I'll begin.

First of all; don't ever feel bashful about telling me to follow your blogs- I WANT TO. So let me know, okay, guys?

skinnybusiness; Yes. Yes it is always hard. (please pause for a "That's what she said" joke)

Arii; I know, like why the double standard? If you're going to make vocal comments about peoples' weights, don't just reserve it for the skinny people, give the fat people some hate too! There are too many freaking double standards in society.

Gracile; Thank you for you wonderful comment! It reminded me of, well, me, a few months ago, when I read Ana Regzig's blog as thinspo, and to not eat; though I'm truly sorry you suffered through some of my earlier posts. Those were, ehm. Horrendous? Anyway, I'm glad I was able to keep someone preoccupied on something other than food for a few minutes or something like that. :] I'm doing a lot better, and I hope you're wonderful as well. :]

Hey, red, of course I like you, too! We can all get through this and break these nasty bingey eatey habits; that's why we've come together!!

I like to use exclamation points...

(I dunno, my caps lock just got stuck...)

Start weight: 162.0 (yeah. Yeah. I know. I know.)
Calories consumed so far: 100 (two cups of juice, lots of water)
Projected calories: Anywhere from 160-300, all liquid.

Yes, my stomach is grumbling. Yes. It feels amazing. Yeah, I guess I'll update again later tonight...
Love you guys (in a totally non-creepy way!)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Reasons Why I Need To Lose Weight

1. To be pretty.
2. So I can stop hating myself.
3. Because skinny girls always get what they want.
4. Because no one takes fat people seriously.
5. I don't want people to say "Wow... She'd be so pretty if she just lost some weight." (A former friend of mine said that, about another girl. Needless to say, we are no longer friends.)
6. Maybe then I'll be happy?
7. To look good in nice clothes.
8.To show them all what they missed out on.

Liquid Fast: 0/9
Binge Free: 0/21

I'm failure guys. Sorry.

Why the fuck

do people find it necessary to force me to go out to lunch?

When I tell them I don't feel good?
"Oh, you'll feel better once you get some food in you!"

When I tell them I'm not hungry?
"Your brain probably just hasn't realized it yet."

Like, fuck off, people, let me live my life and liquid fast.

Thank you all for your awesome comments. Today has been ruined by parents, waffles, friends, and above all myself. I will not binge, but I cannot claim liquid-fast today. I just hope all the walking I did burned off any calories. When even one little thing interrupts my fasting, I can't just continue on as if it never happened... The day is just completely marred for me.

Now I'm going to go have a few chips and some salsa.

And chug some tons of water..

Liquid fast begins again tomorrow- 9 days. Liquid fasting until prom; how much weight can I lose??

Liquid Fast: Day 1

Hey guys. I know it's only 7:09 in the morning, but I felt the need to say hi, and mention a few things.

It's the first morning of my juice fast, and if I had been allowed to wake up later, I probably wouldn't be as fat as I am right now, but here's the damage:

Liquid Fast, Day 1
Start weight: 161.4 (eep.)
Current weight: 161.4 (it's still Day 1!)

I'm also starting the 21-Day Break-A-Habit thing, breaking my habit of bingeing.

Scarlet; Oh, wow, I lve you so much. :] That enough smile for ya? You're right, we can go to prom any way we want, because we're strong, independent women! At least on the outside... Hah. Yeah, it's almost exactly like the Belle's yellow dress... I love it so much! Thanks for the warning about the V8- mine's actually juice, I don't like the salty stuff so much. I have somewhat of a sweet tooth, in case you all haven't noticed! The midget already does look like a sixth grader masquerading as a high schooler... But I find that midgets tend to do that XD She's only like four foot something.... Hahaha. There's a few smiles for you :]

Dreams.and.Bones.; Aw, thank you! I'm excited too. I'm sorry you went through that whole isolation thing; it really sucks, doesn't it? My juice is either V8 Splash in Berry Blend (70 calories per cup) or V8 Fusion in Strawberry Banana (50 calories per cup). I've been nursing a cup of Strawberry Banana for a good 20 minutes now!

Z.; I will, we both will jump back on board and start losing again! I know I will have a great time, with or without a date, but it's just me being selfish, I guess. :]

skinnybusiness; Ya know, prom always felt like it would be so awesome, especially as a freshman! But it's so not... The limo stress and the dress stress and the date stress and the friends stress; so not worth just one night... Maybe I'll change my mind that night. Who knows... :]

Charr.; THANK YOU for "being a loser", etc. You were one especially that I had been meaning to follow, so thankyouthankyou for reminding me. And you're totally right- who needs a date, anyway!

No time for a list cap, I have 25 minutes to get ready. Fuuuuck. :] Love you guys. Will pop back in later tonight!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Hey. Did you miss me?

I see two new followers. So maybe you did. Hi, new followers. I hope you like me.

Shit, did I say that out loud?

Just kidding.
I went to the lake overnight with my mom.
Can you say, "Junk food-fest?"

Needless to say, I haven't been doing well lately. Haven't even weighed myself in the past two days, I'm kind of scared. I only have one contact in right now, it's giving me a headache.

I'd give you guys a nice list of what I've eaten, but... I'd rather not. I'd like to save some face.

I've decided to liquid-fast. Three days. How does that sound? I got this awesome V8 juice, it's only fifty calories. PER CUP. Yeah. Usually I have to water down my juice to get something that great.
I'm also going on a college tour tomorrow. Yay.

I also got my prom dress. Oh my gosh, it's amazing. It's this deep indigo blue that goes really well with my skin, because I'm so pale. It looks like Belle's dress from Beauty and the Beast, it's strapless and oh my goodness I feel like a princess in it. So much.
Prom is a week from Friday. Eek! Dateless, unfortunately. But I'm excited nonetheless. I have a feeling seeing L there with his date will piss me off. Oh well. I don't even know who his date is... Probably the midget.

I don't have anything interesting to talk to you guys about over break... Sigh. Guess I'll answer comments that I've been neglecting.

Arii; Don't think I haven't seriously considered your offer as a texting buddy. I swear, I've been thinking about it since you commented. I just get so worried, you know? About internet safety and whatnot. So, I'm still thinking hard about it, I swear. I just didn't want you to think I'm a horrible person!

Scarlet; No, it probably won't be the last time I talk about guys, but it should be! Thanks for the luck, I needed it (no. No, I didn't get through the fast. Made it nineteen fucking hours).

Estrella; I'd love to follow you! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get around to it (there are a lot of my followers that I'm not following, and it makes me feel absolutely awful. Leave me a comment if you're one of my followers and I don't follow you!). Thank you so much for your well-wishing, I wish the same for you!

Everyone else; I love you all just as much, but I have to get back to fucking painting. I know. I haven't done fucking anything.

1. I've been failing.
2. Liquid fast. Tomorrow, ending Friday. Yes.
3. Got my prom dress, yay!
4. Still dateless. Oh well.
5. Love you guys.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Two hundred.

200 posts, 60 followers, and 5964 hits. I wanted this post to be something special, something absolutely awe-inspiring...


Well, I'm going to binge tonight.
Yep, I already planned it.
Dum-Dum lollipops (is that some sort of sign?), salsa, and pita chips.

I'm waiting for my stomach to stop being full. I went until five without food, then convinced my mom to go to McDonald's.
We were prom dress shopping today. My dad got mad at me before we left, because I won't wear the first dress I got. They've been calling it the duplicate dress.
For some reason, going shopping with my mom cheapens the entire experience of prom dress shopping. She just makes snide comments about the dresses, how they're cut, how expensive they are.

Um, Mom, just because you had a shitty prom doesn't mean you need to make mine shitty. You could shell out some money for a dress, I know you could. We aren't rich, I realize, but some of my friends have $200 dresses, and they're worse economically than we are.

She told me that she's going on a "raw foods" diet, with no processed foods. She was upset when I told her yogurt is processed food.

See, when I say I'm going to not eat more processed foods, I get laughed at.
So, to spite her, I ate McDonald's in front of her.
It was fucking delicious, and I regret every bite.

Alright, my stomach's beginning to feel less tight. Time for pita chips and acrylic paint!

..To paint with, that is. The acrylic. Not the pita chips.
I'll post later, respond to your comments, and list-cap my stressful day..

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Someone please explain my body to me.

Because I sure as hell don't understand. There's no reason that after twice in one day stuffing myself until my stomach hurt, I should be down to 158.6.

No fucking way.

But I am thankful. I am.

Friday, April 16, 2010

It makes my life easier if you DON'T talk to me.

I swear to God, last fucking time I will talk about guys on this blog unless something super spectacular happens.

So, basically, last time I'll talk about guys here, period.

I've been thinking a lot more about God lately, and everything adults are saying, like my religion teachers (yes, religion is mandatory at my school) and the leaders of our student department of spiritual life (juniors and seniors, it's a pretty exclusive club. I wasn't allowed in last year), everything they're saying strikes a chord in me. I don't know what it is...
Like today, in my religion class, one of the heads of the student department of spiritual life, she came to talk to us about applying, since everyone has to apply, even the kids who are already in it. I don't usually pay much attention to her, because she's kind of mean, but she told us, "If you're thinking about applying, and you really want this, you can even ask God to help you, and pray for guidance."
I've been praying a lot more; I always feel guilty asking God for help to get what I want, probably because I generally only pray when I want something.
My friend and I were shopping today, and we bought these necklaces; usually I get the necklaces that symbolize love and relationships, you know? Today, my necklace is made of Sodalite, a gemstone that is supposed to promote inner peace and harmony, and aid in communication (as an added bonus, Sodalite is apparently associated with the thyroid, and promotes weight loss. Cooool).
I'm really big on jewelry with a meaning, even if it's not necessarily true.

I feel so ashamed about what I've eaten today, so I won't tell you guys. Imagine one of your worst eating days. That's about it.

I know I need to respond to your comments, I will, I promise.
But not now.
I just can't do it now.

This week, my goal is to get to 155, not as a post-fast weight, but as my stable weight. I hope I can do it. Fuck it.

Tomorrow is a fast day. Officially. I don't what I have to do to make it happen, someone please smack me if I try to eat? God, I need a texting buddy.
Fuck my paranoia.

Love you guys.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Place Appropriate Title Here

For some reason, epic eating fail today wasn't as epic as I thought.

Apparently a Rice Krispie treat, a Snickers, half a Campell's soup at hand, five blueberry muffins, and loads of water equals a 2 ounce drop in my weight.

Feel free to say "What the fuck."

God knows I say it enough (sorry, God).

Also, I do an epic job of failing at not liking L.
I even fucking told my SAF that I like him.
I think it would help if he didn't sit in front of me and stopped talking to me.

That would work.
Apparently this girl in my class likes him and is all over him, always telling him he's so fucking hot or whatever.
She's really skinny...

Shit, whatever.

I'm planning a fast for next week, my spring break. Tomorrow, I'm going to try not to eat as much as possible... A friend is taking me out to dinner for pizza and french fries. Fuckit.

Riddle; Doesn't school just fucking suck? I've had senioritis since seventh grade, it's time to get out. I can't even attempt to add exercise on top. Even though I should...

Z.; I completely agree. Things have gone so well in the past when I've just let them go, and let God take care of them. It's just so hard to let them go, I'm kind of a control-freak... I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. I think that's part of my whole thing, the "I don't want to know if what's going to happen will be good or bad, but I know that I can affect it and make it bad." Call me crazy.

Charr.; Well, I am pathetic, but thank you for telling me otherwise. :] I dunno though, FAFs I think are easier to deal with because I'm not constantly comparing myself to them... But at the same time, FAFs and SAFs are both fucking annoying anyway. So it really doesn't matter! XD


1. Eating failure = weight loss, what the fuck?
2. Giving up is harder than it looks.
3. I need a break from life.
4. Thank God tomorrow's Friday.

I'm going to throw in a little prayer here, I realize that this isn't the most spiritual or holy place to do it, but it's my spiritual place, with my family, with people I love.
I think God will understand.

Dear Lord,
Thank you so much for all the wonderful people that have touched my life over the past few months, especially the people here. They are so absolutely amazing and I love them with all my heart. Please help me grow and become a better person, and help me figure out how to stop with all the silly hatred and drama that seems to be spreading like swine. Help me learn to let go, put my faith in you, and jump, knowing that you'll catch me.
Thank you for being there for me throughout my life; I know I haven't been the most devoted. I'm still unsure of my beliefs, but I know that you will help me through all of this.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

It's not as easy as it sounds.

List-Cap at the end. :]
My SAF (Skinny Annoying Friend) told me today that "A guy liking someone has nothing to do with whether or not the girl is skinny!"

Easy for you to say, Miss All My Clothes Are Too Big For Me/I Have A Thyroid Problem/Size 00 Is Too Big, I Can Practically Swim In My Clothes.

And damn, did I eat today.
I'll probably be eating more.

You guys always ask me, "Why do you weigh yourself at night?! It's not accurate!!!"
I know this.

I weigh myself at night to check my intake for the day. If I'm a pound or more heavier than the morning, intake was bad. If I'm less, intake was amazing, if I'm around the same, intake was adequate.
So that's why I weigh myself in the morning.

I've decided to put intense weight loss on hold until spring break (next week). The fact that I only get five or six hours of sleep a night really hinders my efforts.
Plus, I have little to no time to exercise.

That's a lie, I know. I'm sorry. But I'm exhausted when I come home from school, and you really expect me to EXERCISE for an hour or two???

Yeah. I am a fucking lazy ass, thanks for pointing that out.

I don't want to tell you guys everything I ate today. It'll make me feel even more pathetic. Let's just say I went from 158.4 this morning to 161.something a few minutes ago.
I should be done eating.

P.D.; I love you in a non-creepy way, and you're allowed to love me the exact same way no matter how often you comment! I love you the same whether you do or don't comment (though I definitely prefer the do!).

Charr; Thank you for my luck, it helped me write my essay and get to bed before one a.m.! I agree, less stress without L; But attempting to give up is putting even more stress on me! I've decided to just put everything in God's hands, and if things work out, great. If not, I'll get something better, I know.

Scarlet; Yes. Let's chuck them into Lake Michigan. You bring A, I'll bring L, and we'll have a duct-tape/rope/weights/homicide party! Plain old lists are the best, because they show what you're really like! None of the pretenses people put up, just their life in list form!

Dreams.and.Bones.; Well, thank you for reading the whole post, I do appreciate it. :] I think I will get myself a necklace like yours... They do have nice sterling silver ones at T.J. Maxx.

Meaghan; That's insane! I'm glad my blog makes you giggle, I do try sometimes... And sometimes fail. :] I think it's so funny that our stats are totally the same! ...Are you me in a different life??

1. Skinny Annoying Friends are skinny and annoying.
2. Giving up L is hard to do. I love boys, they're so cute. Especially the ones that are blonde with blue eyes that sit in front of me in class...
3. I don't usually go for blondes. So, it baffles me.
4. I ate a lot today. More so than yesterday.
5. I weigh myself to check my intake.
6. Intake today = bad.
7. I'm pathetic and a lazy ass. :]
8. I'm going to attempt to put everything in God's hands. Although I'm not particularly religious, even going down the agnostic road as a younger teen, I've come to find myself attempting to stop forcing things where I want them to go and just letting them float around at their will, or at God's will. I don't know which, but I like to think that God guides what I'm meant to have towards me.
9. I love you guys so much. Please stay wonderful. :]

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Real Post of the Day

Read the first one from today for all my thank yous.
Thank you. :]

ALSO: If you don't feel like reading this entire fucking thing, check out my List-Cap at the end (that's a recap in list form)!

I've decided that's it's time to get off of this fucking thing I have over L.
I saw him walking in the hall with one of the nastiest girls in our grade.
Fucking midget, and she's a complete boozed-up whore, ya know?

Anyway, seeing that ruined my entire day, along with the fact that he talked to my skinny annoying friend (I'm just going to call her SAF from now on- Skinny Annoying Friend) in class more than he talked to me.

Don't you hate it how one person can ruin your entire day without realizing it?

But then, suddenly, it was better.
The guy who played opposite me in the play, the guy who used to tackle and tickle me all the time I never see anymore.
Which is sad, because he's so funny and I love him.

So I was going to choir practice today, trying to decide whether to take the bus home and skip choir, or stay like I was supposed to.
He made the decision for me.

Tackled me, held my arms in place for a good fifteen minutes, while I struggled to get out.
I'm not very strong.
I ended up on the floor with him sitting on me.

All in all, a fun time.

My intake today was eh. Didn't have much until I got home. Had a bag full of gummy bears, a bowl of cereal, a bowl of croutons (not quite as large as the cereal) and chocolate.

Suffice to say, my chocolate plan has not worked out.
Aside from making plans, I'm absolutely amazing at failing at plans.

So, to List-Cap:

1. Giving up on L, because apparently he prefers skinny, short skanks over fat, average height shyish girls.
2. The other guy made it all better by making me laugh (I swear, he KNOWS when I've had a completely shitty day and just need some attention.. He and I are like the same person).
3. Intake was eh.
4. Maybe fasting tomorrow.
5. Have a 3-5 page paper to write on Oprah. Wish me luck, bedtime is 10:30 (currently 8:35 p.m.)

I love you all!
Stay wonderful.

I love you guys.

I come home every day, think to myself, "Oh, I can be happy if I got one or two comments, at least one person is paying attention."

Attention whore, yes? Yes.

Eight fucking comments.
Damn it, I love you guys.
Where would I be without all of you?

Still at 180 pounds, no doubt.
So, this is my thank you post, where I reply to everyone's wonderful comments, (there'll be a "how badly did Charlie screw up again today" post in a little while, don't worry. I have to write an essay on Oprah first) because you all deserve personal thank yous.

Even you, who read and did not comment (I know who you are, not really, that's usually me with all your blogs), you deserve a thank you too, because I love you just as much.


Dreams.and.Bones.; Well you first comment wasn't all that uplifting, no! Hahah, but both your comments really did make me smile, thank you and thank you also for the Sunshine Award. :] My day did go a bit smoother today. :]

Riddle; Thank you for your lovely comment (I'm going to be saying that a lot this post, don't get too bored with me!). I will not revise my conclusions, Miss! However, thanks for reminding me that I will come out stronger, I really hope I will.

Scarlet; Lists are my life! I'm so disorganized, they help me think better! Guys are completely worthless, I'm convinced. Let's throw them in the harbour.

I don't have a harbour. I love you too, thank you! :]

Charr.; I am a fuck-up, but that's a whole other long paragraph about why and how. This post will be long enough when I'm done. Thank you. :]

OhMyGosh; It's so hard to look at things from other people's perspectives... I mean, I know it's (probably) not my weight that makes my friends hate me (they liked me better back when I was twenty pounds heavier), but I guess I don't like accepting the fact that they don't like me because I'm a pathetic loser.
Except for the fact that I can't seem to lose! XD
Thank you for following, I'm going to try to do all your wonderful words of inspiration proud by staying strong and hopeful.

V; I'm convinced that we are the same person. Come live with me so I don't have to be alone anymore? I know my friend wants to be Cassie, God knows she's fuckng skinny enough.
But she eats like a horse.
And she's not sweet and quiet and demurely crazy.
She's just crazy. But I guess I'm not more like Cassie. I so wish I could control my eating like she does.
Fictional characters are the best role models. Because they can do whatever we want them to do. :]
So, come live with me. End of story.

Heather; -hug- I love your internet hugs. You're allowed to come live with me too. Well, everyone is.

Stay wonderful, all of you. I love you, in a totally non-creepy way. C:

Monday, April 12, 2010


I've come to a few conclusions.

1. None of my friends actually like me. They just pretend.
2. My annoying, perfect, skinny friend is now obsessed with Skins, and Cassie. I'm pretty sure she thinks she and Cassie are exactly the same, even though they are nothing alike.
3. I wish I were Cassie. She's so fucking pretty and cute, so demure with her adorable little sayings.
4. I gained and lost a follower today. The same one. How sad.
5. No matter what I do, until I'm skinny, L is never going to like me like I want him to.
6. I want everything more than I should.
7. I really am a fuck-up.
8. I'm a waste of space.
9. Lists are nice. Organized. Concrete.

Unlike me.

Before dance.


Bad intake today.
Not bad, but not good I suppose.
Ate dinner before, so I can burn off some at dance.

Talked to L today.
He was being grumpy-pants.
I made him laugh.
Yay me.
He doesn't like me, I know.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The new plan.

I hope everyone enjoyed my pathetic little anecdotes about L.

They make me smile, even if I know in my heart he think about me maybe for five minutes in a whole day, while I spend most of my weekend stressing over him (and others, granted).

So, my new plan, is to subsist on chocolate.

What? Has Charlie gone CRAZY? Chocolate, the worst of all fucking substances?

But more specifically, dark chocolate.
While a bar of milk chocolate Hershey's has, say, 210 calories, a bar of Hershey's Special Dark has 180.
That's 15 calories for every little square in each bar.
There are twelve.

The great thing about dark chocolate is that I don't binge on it like milk chocolate.
I can't, it makes me sick.

So, figure out tomorrow.
Three pieces for breakfast. That's forty-five.
Three pieces at lunch, plus a yogurt. That's one twenty-five.
Three pieces before dance, forty-five again.
Three pieces at dinner, plus one serving of ramen. That's two thirty-five.

In total, four hundred and fifty calories.

In a day filled with chocolate.

Granted, not nutritionally the most healthy. But I'm not going for nutrition.
I'm going for what will keep me from bingeing on my worst enemy and best friend.

Thank you all for your comments, they're absolutely lovely. I love you all so much. :]

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Boy Stories and New Plans.

Alright. I suppose I promised boy stories, didn't I?
It's probably just one of those things where I make a big deal out of nothing, so don't get your hops up too much.

So, this past week in class, we were ignoring our teacher (as per usual), and talking about all the people that have left our school (my school is grades 7-12, and most of us have been at the same school since 7th grade). We were discussing all the people that had left, the creepy people, the annoying people, even some of my best friends.
And someone brings up this girl who had been the biggest skank, even though she's like, two feet tall and has a nose the size of Texas (yes, I'm judgmental, but she was an ABSOLUTE bitch to me, as well as a nasty slut that stole one of my crushes). The guy that sits next to me says, "Yeah, I hear she's like a total slut now."
I replied sarcastically, "Please, she was a total slut when she was here!"
L, who sits behind me, "Really?"
Me, "Yeah..."
The guy who sits next to me, "Wow, I didn't know that."
L, "Well I didn't really know her.."
My friends begin their own conversation, about how she's a drugged up slut now.
Me, "Yeah, total skank. And she does, like, E or heroin or something now."

I had turned back around to talk to my friends, and I hear L say, "Wow, fucking slut!"
So I turned around and looked at him, he was smiling at me, so I laughed.

Yeah, pathetic story, I know, but it was the highlight of my week...Like, he verbally trashed a girl he barely even knows for me. :]
Not necessarily for me.
But it makes me feel better to think that.

And yesterday.
L likes to put hand sanitizer on the seat of the guy next to me, as a joke, trying to get him to sit in it and get his ass all alcohol-y.
So, he had put it on the kid's seat in the beginning of class, in the shape of a smiley face. Our teacher got mad and yelled at everyone, because no one was sitting in their proper seats.
In the middle of class, I see L out of the corner of my eye, taking the bottle of hand sanitizer and putting it on the edge of the kid's seat, so that if he moved back an inch, he would sit in it.
I told him it was horrible, and that I should tell the kid, because I'm a nice person.
What did I do instead?
I laughed hysterically with L for five minutes, waiting for the kid to move, so he would get his pants covered in hand sanitizer.
And then laughed hysterically with our entire class for another fifteen minutes, after the kid sat in it, realized it, screamed at L, got yelled at by our professor, and cleaned up his seat.
Totally worth being in on an inside joke with L.

I'm such a little pansy-ass girl, getting all excited over this shit.
Also found a different prom dress I want to get:

Tell me the truth, guys, does it look really cheap? Or is white a bad idea?
Because there's another dress for the same price that I like too...

What do you guys think? Which one should I get?

I'll look fat in either one I suppose.
This post is getting pretty long, so I'll save my new plans for tomorrow. Right now, I'm going to make some chocolate milk, get some more Diet Orange Soda, and keep watching Skins until Sunday morning pops up.

Hello, Sunshine.

Before we return to our regularly scheduled broadcast, Charlie has some things to say.

I was given this "Sunshine Award" from V (wonderful Blogger, human being, etc.).

Here are the rules:
1. post this logo within blog post.
2. pass award on to 5 fellow bloggers.
3. link to nominees within your post.
4. let the nominees know they've received an award by commenting on their blog.
5. share the love! link the person from whom received the sunshine award.

I'd like to give this to:
1. Heather. (Starving Myself Pretty) She was one of the first people on Blogger to welcome me into this dysfunctional family we have, and I love her for every single amazing thing she's said to me.
2. Scarlet. (This Here Is Neverland) She makes me smile in every single one of her posts; even on a bad day, she has something good to say, and she always responds to every single one of her commenters.
3. Lola. (Esoterica Nervosa) This girl is absolutely hilarious- and so smart. Everything she says is educated and witty and wonderful.
4. Carrie. (ED Bites) Her blog, unlike most of ours, is about recovery. She says things that are inspired and awe-striking, and she is never, ever uptight or high-and-mighty about her recovery. She is really a great example.

And finally.
5. Della. (Breakfast In Hell)

Even though Della is no longer with us, I wanted to include her on this list. She was so funny and uplifting; our family is not complete without her here. I truly hope she is doing well, and I think I speak for a lot of us when I say that I hope, wherever she is, that she's happy.

It said I could only do five, but there are so many more of you that have touched my life somehow.
So I want to give a special shout-out to everyone who has ever commented or emailed me, to everyone not included on this list.
I love you all, just as much as everyone on this list. I want everyone to know that I want to give this (maybe silly) Sunshine Award to all of you, every single one.

Stay strong, and I love you. :]

Friday, April 9, 2010


I had sundaes tonight.
Yes, that's right.

What the hell is wrong with me?
Performance high.

Whenever I finish a performance (we had a concert tonight), I get happy, I get binge-y.

Does anyone else get more binge-y when they're happy?

I'll leave the Boy Stories for tomorrow, right now it's two in the morning and I'm about to pass out.
I just felt like telling you guys that even though Today was a bad binge day, Tomorrow is going to be fasting and watching Skins.
Love Cassie so much.
Got the Season One DVD from a friend.
So excited.


Thursday, April 8, 2010

I've been a bad, bad girl.

I don't know why, but it hasn't kicked in how bad I've actually been today.

For your wonderful comments. They really brightened my day.

So, because I hate people being mad with me, I apologized to C first (because waiting for him to apologize is like waiting for the Sahara to be farmland- it ain't happening). I know you guys are right, I just have a hard time finding anything fucking loveable about that girl. More on that later.
So he and I are cool.
Kind of.

Since he felt it necessary to tell my friend M everything that he and I talked about (excuse me? What?), I decided to ignore him today, for as long as I was in school (left early for senior pictures).
Didn't work so well, he left earlier than I did.
Ah, well.

I have a story I want to tell you guys about Luke, but I don't want to bore you with guy talk. So, story, Yea or Nay?

I'm excited for tomorrow. More on that tomorrow, I have to clean to get my dad to help restring my guitar.

What I ate today:
-1 and 1/3 cups of cranberry juice
-2 glasses of milk (approx. 3 cups?)
-Eight dino chickens
-Single scoop sundae (chocolate) with peanut butter, hot fudge, nuts, and whipped cream
-Small cherry slushie

The guilt still hasn't kicked it. I'm going to go swallow me some water now.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


Fasting tomorrow. I don't care what people say.
Read my two other posts from today.
Comment them.
I command you.

I need some love right now.
I feel like I can ask you guys for that at least...

Aww. :[

I pissed him off for good.
Brought up his ex.

But it's his fault.

We were having an argument about who's always right, and I told him he's never been right about anything. So he asked me what I'd been right about, which was that I had told him it'd be a bad idea to date her.

I told him it'd piss him off.
I warned him.

So it's not my fault.

It's been like five months.
He's a guy.
He should be over it by now.

I didn't realize it before,

but my number of posts has surpassed my weight.
I should have celebrated.

-throws confetti-

No, really though, today has been... not wow. But wow.

I woke up at 157.2 today.
Weighed in around 6 at 157.2, my scale.
Weighed in around 6 at 155.4, parents scale.

I trust my parents scale more than my own, because last night it tried to tell me that I weighed 130 (hah!).
But still.
I'm in shock and awe.

Also, happy news, I made up with my friend C (we had been being rude to each other because of his nasty girlfriend who he was like in love with. Ugh) and now we're on speaking terms.
I had to take a test in an empty room with him after school and it was so awkward and afterward I was just fed up, so I texted him. And now we're on speaking terms.
Which is nice, he's a cool kid.
I liked him last year.
Not going down that road again.

Haha, I think I made him angry. :] Oh well, he still loves me. He wouldn't have responded to me in the first place if he didn't want to talk to me. :]

Oh, yay, I didn't make him angry.

Alright, I'll go eat small portions of dinner. I love you guys!

(And for those who asked, my fast went GREAT. I did eat last night, but after 8:30 (yes, I know, bad, not supposed to eat late, but I wanted to not binge today) and my weight stayed down. So, I'm happy. For now.)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


I had an epiphany in the shower that I wanted to share with you guys.


I forgot it.
Mm fasting is nice.

Haven't eaten since 8:30 p.m. yesterday.
Almost to the 24 hour mark.
Feels good, yes.

I don't know if I have the willpower to continue this tomorrow.
I want to, but I might have to do liquids.
I don't want to do liquids.

Ramen is calling me from downstairs.
No, Charlie.

I will not be eating tonight.
Have to break this Goddamn 158 plateau.
Gotta get to 150.
Then 140.
Then 130120110100.

Then 98.

I've still not come to terms with the fact that I don't have a date for prom. Two different people asked me today who I'm going with.

Oh, it's so much fun knowing I don't have a date, knowing that all the guys in my grade have asked fucking sophomores; and not the sophomores I like, the nasty, bitchy, ugly, skinny ones.
Like, really??

Talked to L a bit today.
Not about anything important, of course.

Every time my stomach grumbles, I imagine all my fat shrinking a tiny bit more.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Things I've Realized

1. I'm not going to have a date for prom.
2. There are no guys who would be willing to ask me to prom.
3. I don't have the balls to ask anyone to prom.
4. I'm fat.
5. Every time I put something in my mouth I get fatter.
6. I'm kind of an antisocial loser.
8. I forgot to put a #7.
9. No matter how much I want it, no one will ever truly like me for who I am.
10. I'm kind of pathetic.
11. Lists make me think clearer.
12. I won't binge tonight.

7. I'm kind of worthless.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I've figured you out.

Yeah, that's right.
I've sifted through your lies, and your anorexia is bullshit.

Yes, I called it bullshit.

Because you're not in the hospital. You're not in recovery.

If you were, you wouldn't be on Facebook every hour of every day.
You wouldn't be allowed to go places, to the movies with friends, elsewhere.
You wouldn't have been allowed to have your birthday party at a goddamn restaurant, only a week after you told everyone you were in the hospital. Or, what you told some people, that you're in recovery for your anorexia.

Actually, my favorite story that you told people was that you were going to California to live with your cousin and pursue modeling.

Pause, while I laugh at you.

You're fucking pathetic, a fucking attention whore.
So am I, but at least I don't lie my ass off to people I supposedly care about.


Not going to lie to you guys.
I had a 3 oz. hollow milk chocolate bunny, and some Doritos. Half a turkey and bacon sandwich waiting for me downstairs.

So, I need you all to weigh in: what should my punishment be?

Speaking of weigh-ins, I was 4 ounces lighter this morning than yesterday.
Go fucking figure.

Saturday, April 3, 2010


There are no chocolate bars left.

So I'm instituting a Zero-Tolerance Policy.

I, Charlie, do swear that I will not buy, ask to buy, ask to have bought for me, ask to be given, or any action that I haven't mentioned , chocolate, also known as "junk food" in its Purest Form (this Policy also pertains to Doritos, regular potato chips, white bread, hard candy, chewy candy, sour candy, sweet candy, ice cream, sherbet, or any "junk food" that has not been mentioned). Chocolate (white, dark, milk, or otherwise) is to be regarded as the Ultimate Sin, Eve's apple, Judas' betrayal. Consuming chocolate, or any aforementioned "junk food" is to be paramount to murder, for it is the homicide of what could be the Skinny Me. Any consumption of foods labeled as "junk" will require a punishment decided on by a jury of peers. Furthermore, any such food branded "junk" will be thoroughly and completely demolished and brutalized. Torture of these criminals attempting to pass as legitimate Nourishment is absolutely encouraged.

I have this vision of myself for the summer.
Long, wavy blonde hair, riding a pastel-colored bike with a basket. Knee-length pastel floral skirt, soft cotton, I made it myself, flowing tank top. Layers of wooden beads. Skinny, of course. Ballet flats, pastel. I like pastels. Guitar strapped on my back, brown leather bag slung across my body.
Sitting on the spillway of my lake, big rocks. Watching the water. Writing songs, taking pictures. Getting tanner, freckly-er.
Getting thinner.

But see.
I don't own a pastel bike avec basket. I don't sew all that well. I'm not good at writing songs, I don't have the balls to sing in front of my parents let alone take my guitar outside the house, except when necessary.
I don't own a leather shoulder bag, I don't tan. I burn. And freckle. I also hate ballet flats, I hate how they make my feet look disproportional to my body, how they make me look fatter than I already am.
I'm not skinny.

Maybe as my stomach shrinks, my confidence will grow.
But probably not.

If I were to eat, say 500 calories a day and exercise 3-5 days a week, I would be in the 120's in June, at my goal weight by August, according to this amazing link that the wonderful Jemimah posted.

I think.
I think, I can do this.

So there it is. My new goal, 500 or less calories a day.
That's more than enough, on 500 a day I could still eat chocolate.

Sinful child, unworthy, ungrateful BRAT.

I could.
But I won't.
That little diddy about shadows is indeed something I wrote, last night to be exact.

Since I'm being one hundred percent honest with you guys (well, usually. I don't count lying by omission), I've decided to tell you how my day went.

I bombed.
This is what I do on my plans, and I'm even planning to go eat more.

I also have a new plan for tomorrow.
Wanna hear?
Oh well, you have no choice. You can click out of this browser or just keep going, I really don't care which.
Okay, I lied, I do care, someone fucking pay attention to me?!?

1 cup of cranberry juiced, blended with ice.
Calories: 140

Calories: 0

Same as breakfast
Calories: 140

Total calories: 280

If this doesn't work then fuck me. I'm just a big fucking failure.

Two chocolate bars added to my Anti-Binge Drawer.

I must have the temptation and not give in. This is the final test of mastering The Bingies.

Shadow People

Day by day, they sit
Waiting, frozen, active, immobile, moving
Shadow Mom, Shadow Dad, Shadow Children playing soccer and leaping into leaf piles
Shadow Girl in Distress
No one ever notices me, no matter how high I raise my hand, Teacher doesn't call on me, Jimmy pays attention to Karen not me, it's not Fair
Shadow Mom Soothes
Karen and Teacher and Jimmy, can they do what you can
Everything and more
Karen is blond and multi and three-dee, I'm just plain old monochromatic, flat, dull, there's nothing special about me
Shadow Mom Ponders
When the wind blows, where do Karen and Jimmy go
When they jump, where do they land
On the ground
A Lightbulb
Can Karen float between the leaves, can Jimmy slip under doors or dance with the wind
Can Teacher taste the sun or caress the moon, is Karen tall enough to tickle the stars
I guess not
Small Shadow Smile
Look at all you can do, Karen's colors will never outweigh your special talents
One more, two more Shadow Bodies jump into the burnt bright burgundy leaves
You will always be more special to me, simply because you are you, you are unique
Shadow Arms wrap around and comfort
Frozen dark inspired embrace

Friday, April 2, 2010


Well, you all know how I love to plan, even if my plans don't work out.
You also know, if you've been paying attention (I hope you have, I'd feel absolutely pathetic if no one had payed attention, because I'm an attention whore. That you also know if you've payed attention), that I am dreadful at fasting.

This weekend has been declared "Detox Weekend" as opposed to a three day fast.
I need to get used to being hungry again. Instead of planning in a Word document, I've decided to plan here, with you all.

The Plan

Two egg whites, scrambled, two pieces of bacon (Mama loves the meat, maybe not the best for a detox, but oh well).
Calories: 81

Ten cucumber slices, ten baby carrots
Calories: 50

One half-cup of baked potato (flesh, not skin), one half-cup of cubed melon
Calories: 84

Total calories for Saturday: 216

2 egg whites, scrambled, two pieces of bacon
Calories: 81

Calories: 0

Ten green beans, one half-cup baked potato
Calories: 74

Total calories for Sunday: 155

One cup of cubed melon
Calories: 54

Two pieces of bacon
Calories: 23

Two dinosaur chicken nuggets
Calories: 105

Total calories for Monday: 182
So fasting today was epic fail.
Oh well.

I still have three more days to this weekend. Don't you just love Catholic school holidays?
I sure do.

So, three day liquid fast. Alright. Starts tomorrow.
I'm going to fucking eat my Easy Mac.
760 for today.
No good.

No good at all.
Fuck me.
Still fucking 159.
For two whole goddamn days.

This plateau has to end now.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The smell of toast at 12:54 in the morning.

How's that no-carb diet going, Daddy?

I didn't eat for three days so I could be lovely...

Something in me encouraged me to Google "Skins" tonight.

First video I came upon was Cassie's quote that struck me into making it this post's title.

I don't know how many of you watch Skins, me being American I'm a bit slow to jump on the bandwagon, I suppose. I hear they're making an American version. It's going to be complete crap, just like everything else they Americanize..
And now my inner monologue voice has a British accent.


So I've decided, due to this fortunate event that landed me on the Skins train, I've decided to have a three-day fast this weekend. My parents decided today that we're going to our lakehouse, out in the country (don't worry, I know my neighbor's internet password. I'd never leave you guys like that!) so I'll have plenty of opportunities to not eat. For instance, they enjoy eating outside, while I would be happy not to endure fruit flies in my french toast and beetles in my biscuits.

Did you see what I did there? Fruit flies, french toast. Beetles, biscuits.
Just kidding, I don't eat biscuits.
I'd like to just not eat.

Anyway, plenty of opportunities to stash food, to not eat, to just drink and relax and attempt to get better.
Someone remind me to pack all my pain meds.
I am a sucker for OTC painkillers.
And I have been known to abuse them.
It doesn't end pretty.

As for my SAT scores, I think my parents are more bummed than I am. I've been wanting to apply to the Newhouse School of Public Communications. Either that or the College of Visual and Performing Arts.
Either way I'll be going to Syracuse University, home of some pretty sexy basketball players. Andy Rautins, Carmello Anthony, Wes Johnson, Brandon Triche. Yum.
I'm also considering NYU, only because it's in New York City...
I've been wanting to get out of small-town, and Syracuse is (as I've seen) a pretty small town.
But Newhouse is practically the best in the country, and the buildings and technology are to die for.
So I'll be retaking me SATs in June, hoping for a better score than I have.
Because Newhouse will not accept me with that kind of score, especially since my PSATs were higher...

Alright. So, to recap.
Three day fast.
Liquid fast if forced.

Note to self:
Blended food does not count as liquid...


Fuck you fuck you fuck you SAT. I hate you.

1870 will not get me where I need to be.