Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Yet again, inadequate.

It's literally like no matter how hard I try, nothing ever works out how I want it to.

This year, I was supposed to have the lead role, great costumes, a wonderful boyfriend, an amazing body, and everything was supposed to fall into place.

This year, I got a shit part, the girl who got the lead has costumes ten times better than mine, I'm still fucking single for the eighteenth year of my life, I'm fatter than I was this time last year, and nothing is working out.
I also started throwing up my food, to add to my attractiveness.
There's always a catch, always SOMETHING has to fucking go wrong and then screw EVERYTHING fucking else up.

I was honestly contemplating suicide while I was in the shower. And I mean, I don't usually do that sort of thing, since I'm absolutely petrified of dying. But I was thinking about it, and how much fun it would be to go away forever and screw her fucking play up. They wouldn't have the play if one of the cast members was DEAD.

I'm going insane. I'm going absolutely fucking crazy and no one notices. No one notices when I start staring off into space, no one notices when I eat like a fucking pig, no one notices when I don't eat. I don't think they would notice if I just started purging right in front of them. I just want someone to realize that something's wrong, that my smile is so fucking fake. I want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay.

But no one will.
Because no one knows anything is wrong.

And every day, I pick my smile back up and put it on with fresh tape.
And eventually the tape won't be able to hold its weight.


  1. By the time the tape won't hold its weight, you won't need it, for a real smile will be underneath.
    Life gets better, it always does. It's only a matter of sticking through it, and trying to make the best of it. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

    I wish it too sometimes, that someone would shatter the perfect illusion I've created around myself. But they don't and so I have no choice but to keep plastering over the cracks that appear in what everyone else seems to think is perfection.

    I will always be here for you, don't ever think that no one notices, or that you're not loved.

    All my love,
    Xx. Lillie

  2. I can honestly say I felt the same thing. People honestly do notice, but I find most are too scared to ever say anything.

  3. Hey,
    I know it's tough. Depression fucking sucks. Being invisable is fucking insanly lame. Some times it feels like no one cares, no ones looking, nothings right, but it can get better. Keep your chin up. Im sending you blog hugs cuss none of us deserve to feel this way.

  4. i'm so sorry you feel so down. what I can say is, don't even worry about STUPID boys! I'm 19, never had a boyfriend or even a first kiss. all in high school I hated that so much, all I wanted was for a boy to simply like me enough to want to date me. I thought that it would make me happy. nahhhh. Once I entered college, I kinda stopped caring. and now, I'm made out with tons of guys, and they all talk to me. and i don't even care! I don't even want to date them! i mean yea, after a while I'll want a boyfriend, but we're teenagers, we don't need a boyfriend until we're like 23 and ready to get married! I swear, the less you care, the better it all turns out. trust me.

    just look up, things really aren't as bad as they seem :)

  5. i feel like this alot :/ *hugs* it will all be ok one day, promise.
    i'm always here for you, no matter what. i know i don't know you for real but if you ever want a text buddy just email me, and i'll be happy to be there for you even if only in text form <3