Charlie's Revised ABC: The First Seven Days

This week:

Day 1: 450
Day 2: 230
Day 3: 300
Day 4: 150
Day 5: 95
Day 6: 395
Day 7: fast

If this doesn't lose me 3.5 pounds in one week, then fuck me. If it does, I'm a fucking genius.
Numbers are randomly random. :]

Back to ABC?

No, for real this time. I know I haven't been good with sticking to it lately. But I think I'm going to start again. God knows I need to.

By the way, I think I'm the most fucking accurate person ever. I step on the scale this morning:
162.0

Why, yes, I am fucking psychic.

3.5 pounds to lose until next Sunday. Must be 158.5. Maybe I'll make my own ABC plan. I don't like going over 500, even though I seem to go over 10,000 every single fucking weekend.
This is why I need boarding school.

Binge-Monster

I am the Binge-Monster. He is a part of me. We are one.








GET THE FUCK OUT.

Fucking shit, man.

I have shoved cookies and ice cream and wings and Tostitos and salsa and milk and cornflakes down my fucking gullet and I feel so goddamn full. I'll be fucking lucky if I manage to be 162 tomorrow. I'm expecting 165 or 167. Fuckfuckfuck.

I'm kind of sad because my bite mark isn't bruising like I wanted to it.
Yes, I got bitten today.
By a dog?
By a baby?
By a kitten?

No.
By my husband. Eep.
(That is, my play husband).

Explain to me why when HE tackles ME, we get yelled at for "being all over EACH OTHER"?!? Aghhhh. I'm emotionally disturbed right now, Jesus what is wrong with me??
Going crazycrazycrazy.

Sugar high?

I've been bruising so easily, I want this to bruise. I love showing off bruises..

Rocky road.

Raise your hands if all you thought of was ice cream. Only me? Oh...

Well, I had a large large bowl of ice cream today, and I'm incredibly pissed at myself. I have to make cookies later tonight, and once the Binge Monster gets in my head, I can't get him out.
I've decided to make a new plan. Because I like planning, and my current plan isn't working out. So I'll just keep planning until I find one that works; tell me what you guys think of this plan.

I weigh myself tomorrow, and that's my start weight. From there, my goal will be seven pounds for every two weeks, so approximately fourteen pounds a month. It's not as intense as my previous schedule...
Actually, a lot of the weights match up, if I turn out to be 162 tomorrow. If I'm less than 162 it makes my job easier. If I'm more... There will be hell to pay.

Julie Andrews is the fucking shit, by the way. She's just so perfect in everything. I watched Thoroughly Modern Millie last night, and she's just... Wow. I wish I could be her.
Maybe if I lost some fucking weight I could be more like her.

VitaminWater Zero

Is my new best friend.
I was previously hung up on VitaminWater10, but that had to be rationed sparingly. At 20 cals a bottle it was good. But not good enough.

And now we have Zero, which just completes my life.

Today went to about 455 calories total, if I can prevent myself from bingeing tonight. If I can stay in my room or in the basement, I can stay out of trouble. Woo.
Tomorrow will be absolutely full to the brim with play practice (10-2), which means dancing, singing, not eating, and the possibility of having to kiss D, my stage husband (ick).

Second snow day in a row.

I swear, someone, somewhere doesn't want me and L to ever see each other.

Maybe it's for the best, I mean, he's who he is, and I'm..... just fucking plain me.
Ew.


Woke up at 160.6 (on my scale) and 160.0 (parents' scale)
Could be worse considering what I ate yesterday.
Had a bowl of cornflakes and milk (95 calories)
Dunno what I'll have for dinner. Something low cal. Hopefully.

Cue Epic Music.

I got a snow day today, which was incredibly exciting. But not as exciting as what happened when I woke up at 3:00 p.m.

My scale: 162.2
"Really?"
Parents' scale: 160.4
"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?"

I've decided to go with my parents' scale for the most part now, because theirs was a more expensive, not bought on sale at TJ Maxx sort of thingy.
Plus it got me to my first goal weight. (Yeah, I'm not being to picky about the .4, I figure I can round down if it's below .5)

So, my plans for flirting have been postponed YET ANOTHER DAY. I'm starting to think I should just give up.
L showed up in my dream last night, which was oddly about figure skating. It was some big competition, and everyone was staying at some random hotel (this was actually a dream I had previously, with different specifics...I know. I'm weird like that). So anyway, L showed up, right before I woke up (pissed about waking up? Yes), and he had picked me up.
It was very exciting because I was clearly skinny and didn't weigh much.

Maybe it was some kind of sign that I'm actually going to be losing a ton of weight soon?
Hm.

Warning: Rambles.

Thank you guys. I was having some sort of sick emotional break down last night... I don't know. I don't usually show my bad emotions, just kind of stuff them down. Sometimes they explode, hence last night...

Dreams.and.Bones. (and V), I absolutely LOVE that song. It was kind of my anthem after I got fucked over (not literally... get your minds out of the gutter C;) by a guy. My favorite line:
"So don't apologize. I hope you choke and die."
That song is just so fucking epic.

To get things and things out of the way, intake was good today. Had a Snickers (yes, I'll be doing my crunches tonight, I promise), but that's it. I'm only going to take a few bites of whatever Mom is making for dinner tonight.
Just weighed myself. 162.4 on my shitty scale, but 161.0 on my parents' scale! I don't know which one to trust, though I'd rather stick with my parents' just because it's one pound away from my weight goal....

Which needs to come soon. Like, tomorrow... Because on Friday, it's a week until my next weight goal, and if I'm nowhere near close, I have to change ALL of my goal dates. Which I really don't want to do.
Paperwork is hell.

V, anytime you're up for that in-depth discussion about stupid fucking awfully great people, I'm so ready. It's one thing to complain about her to my other friends (who hate her too, because she's fucking annoying), but I can't tell them how shitty I feel around her because as much as I hate her and can't stand her, I can't help wishing I could have her perfect life. And her body.

God I sound like a fucking serial killer.

Also, my plans for flirting have been postponed. L hasn't been in school since Monday, when I decided that I would start flirting. So that freaking sucks. Now I know I won't have the balls to do anything, because I think too much before I do anything, and it always comes out fucking awkward.

I always have so many things to say. Today they kind of just came out jumbled.

I was going to get ice cream after school with my mom. A big tub of it.
As we were going home, I asked her why we were going the way we were.
"Didn't you want ice cream?"
"Uh. ......... Um."
Silence.
"No."
"What?"
"No."
"Alright then."
Somehow, I convinced myself to get a big-ass fucking teddy bear instead.
I'm kind of a stuffed animal whore. I love them, especially the soft ones. I have this little blue moose who is so soft and his antlers are stuffed and he's just so so freaking cute.

Stuffed animals > Ice cream

Best friends.

She gets everything. I get the cheap consolation prizes.
She's naturally skinny, I'm fat.
She gets 100's, I get 97's.
She gets boyfriends, I get "just want to stay friends".
She gets everyone's attention, I get stuck in the background.
She gets phone numbers, I don't even get a second glance.


What the fuck did she do to deserve a perfect life?


---


I had been crying before I got on my computer to post again. I didn't read the comments before posting.
I'm crying again.
Thank you guys so much for kind words and caring and everything, sometimes I feel like you're the only ones who do.

Fucking uterus.

I hate you. Go crawl up someone else's vag. Leave me alone.



...
Sorry.

I didn't weigh myself this morning, didn't feel like it. Too cold. Had a good lunch. Small. Jut the way I like it. My stomach was grumbling after play practice, which has somehow started becoming a pleasure, whenever my stomach makes hungry feed-me noises.
So, I got in the car, and was off to dance class, happy as a clam.
Then I saw the bag.
The white bag.
With the red and yellow stripes and designs.
Along with the matching red and yellow and white cup.

FUCK.

"I thought you might be hungry, so I stopped and grabbed you a couple hamburgers at McDonald's!" My mom is always so chipper and cheerful...THAT'S 500 FUCKING CALORIES RIGHT THERE.

And I ate them.
I scarfed them down. Chloe was so pleased with me.


But lately, when I binge, any sort of high I got from the binge dissipates immediately, and I'm left grouchy and crabby. The fact that I feel like shit from being a fucking female doesn't really help either. Oh, and I weighed in just now at 164. Fuckk.

I had an amazing dance class though. The lady who taught it, not my usual teacher, is so nice and pretty. Not that my regular instructor isn't.
But this lady, who also takes the class, is just epically amazing. She's a wonderful dancer, so skinny, flexible, strong, exquisite. Pretty much everything I want to be.
Everything that she taught us, she told us what we were doing was beautiful, lovely.
I just have to look in the misshapen dance room mirror to know those aren't true.



On another note, I'm making and effort to start flirting with L, the guy who sits near me in chemistry, kind of like what Scarlet was doing (yes, I pay attention even when I don't comment :]).
That's all for today. So much more to say, but I don't want to bore you all. I'll save it for a day when I have nothing to say.

NEW new plan.

I've decided that if I fast today, and weigh-in at 160._ tomorrow morning, I can still claim my prize.
However.
This is not going to happen, thanks to last nights screw-up. But at least it'll put me back on track to meet my next goal.

Long rambly post later, after I finish my essay.

Fuckup.

I don't need to say more.

Fasting Day

In order to get back on track from that fuckup binge, I've been fasting today, since around 9 p.m. last night. My parents want to order food for dinner... Hooray for dogs, trash cans, and chewing and spitting!

I've been off the wall today though, I don't know whether it's lack of food or too much Jasmine tea. I can't focus on my stupid AP English essay for more than five minutes, and my mother has been assisting me in writing the whole thing. I feel so useless, I just want to sleep. But I can't leave this stupid essay for tomorrow night. I just... don't care anymore. Fuck.

So, from an overwhelming number of comments/votes (joke:]), I've decided what to "give up" for lent. I'm going to do fried food, candy and cheese. I agree, Dreams.and.Bones., being vegetarian is definitely more of a lifestyle choice, one I've never been able to fully commit to (mmm, bacon...).

Anyway, we'll see how this goes. How about 100 crunches for every break of my Lenten vow? I'm sure God isn't too happy with me on this, but it's something I need to do for myself.

Inspection.

Upon poking and prodding my body recently, I discovered something extremely unfortunate.

I have a thin layer of fat on the sides of my ribcage, right underneath my boobs. THIN. Maybe 1/2 an inch, tops. That means, even when I'm skinny, my ribs will STILL BE THIS WIDE.

Fuck it. What's the point anymore...

Lent: A Poll

I'm not particularly Catholic. I was raised United Methodist, and my pastor always taught us to not give something up for Lent, but instead to take something on, some sort of charity or "do-gooder" type project.

But.
I'd like to give something up this year. For my own personal benefit... I had a skinny friend who gave up meat (she's a food hound... But she's been losing weight lately. Yes, I'm suspicious when her size 00 pants are baggy on her...) and lost a good ten or twenty pounds. And she didn't have that much weight to begin with.

So I guess you guys can help me decide what to give up? Not that I should be eating any of these anyway...
Options are:
Meat (which I don't eat much of anyway...)
Any and all fried food (everything that I could buy for lunch...)
Candy (this includes chocolate bars, lollipops, etc.)
Cheese (self-explanatory?)
Food in general (haha. Aren't I just so silly?!)


So.... Anyone out there in blog land, feel free to comment your thoughts. Which should I give up? Something I should give up that's not on there?



Daily news post:
Weighed in at 162.8 this morning (YAY.)
Came home from the store and binged on Peeps and 2 chocolate frozen sherbet pops (FUCK.)
My mom's home from where she was (YAY.)
I'm a general fuck-up who needs to go exercise (FUCK.)

Fuuuuck up.

Alright, so I didn't fast today, but I woke up at four thirty p.m., which is at least a nineteen hour fast?

Weighed in at 163.0 this morning (afternoon?).
I woke up, had a bowl of sunflower seeds, had a sip of milk. Attempted to eat a small Babybel cheese round, got disgusted with myself. After three bites, I threw it out. Had the bottom of the bag of goldfish (small handful)
Had two waffles with a teeny bit of margarine and syrup for dinner. Shared some Nilla wafers with my dogs.
I've been pushing water ever since, trying not to binge. Might have some more sunflower seeds... God knows I need the protein. But do I want it?

New favorite food: Quaker Quakes Rice Snacks. In Caramel Corn. So yummy and sweet, and not too many calories, provided I don't binge on them.
I think I'm going to work out tonight. I don't feel like doing anything constructed. Maybe belly dancing. :]

3 a.m.

It's three in the morning here. I'm listening to white noise videos on Youtube trying to fall asleep.

I love to see new followers, especially new followers who comment!
@Dreams.and.Bones.; Here's my list that I came up with (I took out my goal dates, though)
Goals and Rewards:
160.0 lbs/26 BMI: New OPI nail polish!
153.5 lbs/25 BMI: New CD or book!
147.5 lbs/24 BMI: New fondant/baking tools!
141.5 lbs/23 BMI: Go see a movie with friends!
135.5 lbs/22 BMI: New shoes/boots!
129.0 lbs/21 BMI: Go to fucking *************! (that's this amazing, one of a kind waffle place near where I live; I blocked out the name for internet privacy reasons. My favorite waffle, that I share with a friend, is a Brownie Waffle Sundae, that's a waffle made of brownie mix, with ice cream, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream. But we get bacon on top! XD)
123.0 lbs/20 BMI: New bras and underwear!
117.0 lbs/19 BMI: New bathing suit!
110.5 lbs/18 BMI: New sweatshirt!
104.5 lbs/17 BMI: New hair color!
99.00 lbs/16.1 BMI: ULTIMATE GOAL WEIGHT! SHOPPING SPREE!

Alright, that's about it. Yeah. I know. I'm fucking fat right now. So fucking shoot me. I won't be soon enough! :]

Help me out anyone?

I need some help. I'm making my Goals 2.0 Microsoft Word (planning helps me feel at ease, gets things done, as long as I stick to my plans).

I need some short-term goal rewards for my short term goal weight. I already have a few, but I need some more. So, give me some ideas? :] Thank you darlings.

Bottom of the pot.

I'm on my second pot of tea today (yes, you heard me right. POT. eheheheheh).
It's jasmine tea, usually I have my Throat Coat, but I wanted something a little less sweet.
In total, I've had a carrot (around 23 calories), two cough drops (10), a smoothie mix (220 eep...), and lots and lots of tea and water. I've been peeing like a pregnant woman. Oh, and two sugar packets... Later is my other carrot and hot cocoa.

I would float away if I weighed less.



Anyway, I feel good today. Might even force myself to go work out.

Ahahahahaha good one Charlie.

Binge free days: 1

Tomorrow's plan.

Breakfast; Jasmine tea. Lots. (0 calories)

Lunch/Dinner; Carrots. One for lunch, one for dinner (45 calories)

Dessert; Low-fat hot chocolate (50 calories)

Total: 95 calories


This is to prepare for Thursday/Friday fasting. Woo.

"Some will call on destiny, but I just call on faith
That the world won't stop, and actions speak louder
Listen to your heart, to what your heart might say
Everything you got, you got the hard way"

I've been reliving my childhood lately, listening to Blondie, Mary Chapin Carpenter, The Police, Elvis Costello, Alison Krauss.
Yes, that was my childhood.
Sure I listened to Backstreet Boys, N*Sync, Hansen, Britney Spears. I was a 90's kid.

But good music is what I grew up on. Country, bluegrass, classic rock. No Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus could ever come close to Mary or Alison, not even in their dreams.



Anyway, my inner voice decided to let me eat today, as long as I went and worked out as long as possible. I'm going for two movies. Need to find good ones that won't bore me. I work out in the room with the DVD player, and all my amazing old Disney movies are VHS... fuck. I don't feel like dragging the treadmill out. Alright. I'm wasting time. I weighed in this morning a pound heavier than yesterday, so I need to kick my ass into gear here. I'm fasting later this week. I need to be thinner by the play. I could feel all my fat jiggling while we were dancing. Ick.

Bingetastic.

Fuck me fuck me fuck me. I'm fasting ferreals tomorrow. I swear I swear I swear. Shiiit. I feel like such a fucking pig. All I did today was eat. Goddamit. And I had gotten down to 163.4 this morning. Fuck fuck fuck.

Fuckup.

I had solid food on my liquid fast day. Fuck it, I'm never going to be in control.

My friend was whining today about how she had to work eleven hours today, with her ex-boyfriend.
Do you see my many issues with this bitch? Not yet? Well, allow me to elucidate.

First, it's illegal for a minor to work more than eight hours in a day where I live. Therefore, there is no way her workplace actually allowed that. She was probably just being a dumb bitch and stayed there to drool over her ex some more.
Second, why the fuck would anyone ever date someone they work with? That's just a fucking recipe for disaster, not to mention the awkwardness when you break up.
This is the guy she dated for a month before saying she "loved him" and gave him a blowjob. Or something like that. You can't love someone in just a few months. It takes fucking time bitch. Just like you "loved" the guy who you used to try to get over your other boyfriend. I hate her. So much.


Sorry for venting all my hatred at this girl out at you guys...But she's so fucking self-centered. She and my other friend, who has been being a total bitch to me for no reason, seeing as I listen to her constantly whine about this guy she's obsessed with who doesn't like her. I have never been a bad friend to her once, but as soon as we actually get into a fight, all anyone who actually listens to her is going to hear what a bad friend I am, how I never listen to her and just ignore her.

I'M SORRY, JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE EVERY LITTLE FUCKING THING IN COMMON WITH HIM DOES NOT MEAN YOU WERE MEANT TO BE.



Ahem.
Anyway, so this stupid bitch is complaining to me, telling me how my day must have been so much better.

.....
Yes, spending all day alone with my eating disorder(s) and the laundry machine is just the fucking epitome of better.

Interesting.

I had a god-awful play practice today.
I love my part. I love my play. And I love my directors.

But when I had to dance with my stage-husband, and he had to put his hands all on my hips and stomach?

I wanted to cry.


I know you all don't know this, because I haven't put up any pictures (yet, I will once there's some progress. Ick), but I have a protruding stomach as well as some large love handles.
I know, I know, the skinny girls say that all the time. I have a 98 pound friend who complains about love handles.
But at 168 pounds (SIX FUCKING POUNDS HEAVIER THAN TWO WEEKS AGO), I have some serious flabbage.

And I HATE people TOUCHING my STOMACH/TORSO/BODY.









Fuck why am I always such a mess?
Tomorrow I start my seven day fast (I had to shorten it, because my mom comes home on Friday). First two are liquid, middle three are 0 calorie and last two are liquid.


Dear God,
Please help me accomplish my goals. Make me stronger than the food that tortures me. Help me attain perfection, or at least get a little bit closer to it in this coming week. Help make it easier to go and actually exercise, while keeping to my fast. Thank you for all the good people in my life who make everything worthwhile.
Sorry you've had to deal with me for seventeen whole years. :]
Love,
Charlotte Rose

I am such a fat fuck.

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Scared shitless.

It's parent/teacher conference night. Yeah, they still do that for high school. I know, what the fuck.

I'm so scared that my math teacher is going to tell my parents about the two homeworks I didn't hand in.

With my parents, if I miss a homework and they find out, I'm pretty much dead. It's all due to things that happened in seventh and eighth grade. Long story.

Anyway, I'm fatter today, feel better, I'm so scared, and my mom is bringing home lo-mein.


As I was eating mac and cheese and guzzling chocolate milk after school, I felt grossly full. And I thought to myself, I could just go puke this up right now. Then it would all be better.


.....


Is this some new stage in my obesophobia (fear of gaining weight, becoming fat)? I hate throwing up my food. Absolutely detest.

I feel like such a loser, sitting here, complaining to you all, who seem to be having wonderfully perfect days. I just feel like a fat loser.

Not only do I feel like a fat loser...I am one. Fuck.

Someone please smack me...

The next time I attempt to go off food cold-turkey. Pun intended.

After days on end of binges upon binges upon eating like a "normal" person, not eating generally ends up bad. I went to sleep around 4:30 p.m. with a killer headache, and woke up around six with intense stomach cramps (read: I had to do things in the bathroom that didn't involve throwing up), which makes sense since I didn't eat anything. (hold for laughter)

I tried to go back to sleep, but my mom needed help making cookies for some stupid fucking Junior Prom Fundraising Bake Sale. Ick.
Because, instead of having me make my fabulous chocolate chip cornflake cookies (recipe created by my Nana), which people in my class requested for aforementioned bake sale, the stupid fucking mothers decided that heart-shaped, homemade sugar cookies would be better.


Because people would rather eat sugar cookies with shitty frosting than chocolate chip cookies. (deadpan)

I digress.

Where was I?
Oh yes. Had to help. I looked in the fridge for something to eat, not because I was hungry, but because I felt awful, and sometimes when you feel absolutely awful, the best thing to have is food.
Nothing in the fridge appealed to me. So I looked in the freezer. Still nothing.
I wandered back over to my mother, and began frosting more cookies.

Long story short, I had some tomato soup, and I feel so much fucking better.

Pardon the profanity.


I love you all, and I feel horrible for not commenting or posting more lately. I've been feeling... weird, and I hate commenting on your blogs without anything special to say. But I'm going to start to make an effort.
Love you guys. <3 Thanks for keeping me relatively sane.

The Bingeies.

As many of you have now realized, I've been suffering from an extreme case of the Bingeies lately.
After three weeks (and eight pounds), I'm so fucking unhappy. I realized a few things as well.
-The guy who I was concerned about, who I thought might like me, has been fucking with me, like always. Nothing ever changes.
-I will never get everything I want until I'm skinny, end of story.
-I am petrified of becoming close to people.
-I can't see the faint outline of my ribs anymore.

So, I did what any normal unhappy person would do. I stopped eating.

Alright, so maybe I lost control five minutes ago and had two Reese's cups and a lollipop. I didn't eat breakfast. I didn't eat lunch. I don't plan on eating dinner. I did incredibly good today.

So why do I still feel like shit?

Eep.

My restricting hasn't been going so well.

Boy problems + bad grades + general overall low self-esteem = bingeing.


Especially when there's cheesecake in the house. Well.... not anymore. -devious grin-



My mom asked me as we were coming home from my dance class, "How much weight have you lost?!", incredulous voice and all.
"Um... Mom. I've gained like ten pounds."
"Are you sure?!"
"...Well, not ten but like five..."
The scale never lies to me.
"Okay..."


I swear, Mom. All the vanilla ice cream with Hershey's syrup and cheesecakes and Easy Macs haven't been doing me much good.

I need some inspiration. Someone send me some divine inspiration. I used to read Ana Regzig's blog for inspiration, especially on really low calorie days, but that just makes me feel so... Wanna. Ugh. I hate myself.

Philophobia.

"The abnormal, persistent and unwarranted fear of falling in love."

Fallen off the wagon.

I realize I've been AWOL these past couple of days...
Anyone miss me?





Probably not.

Anyway, I've fallen so far off the wagon, it's left me in the dust. I've gained eight pounds over the past one and a half weeks, and I feel.... what's the word? Oh yeah, disgusting. I'm planning an eight day fast over my midwinter break (starts Friday after school. YES.) So, to prepare, I'm going to start restricting slowly over the course of this week. I'm going to wean myself off of calories, starting with 800 tomorrow (today, actually, seeing as it's 12:00 a.m. here).

Woo.

Well, it's my birthday.

I haven't weighed myself in two days. I've been eating non-stop. Even the pretty jewelry from my daddy doesn't make me feel all that better about myself.

Off to gorge on ice cream cake and hamburgers. Fuck me.

2nd post: NEW DISCOVERY.

If I look in the mirror at a certain angle, I can see my ribs. First time since I was a child!

48 hour fast

Started 1 hour ago. I think I can I think I can I think I can...

I completed my first 24hr fast on Sunday, was actually a 30 hour fast. I'm fasting to make my goal weight for my birthday, so I can have some ice cream cake and (try) not feel guilty about it.

I regret, I've been neglecting this lately, what can I say. Some girls at SD talked me out of ending my fast early, bless their hearts. Now I feel accomplished. No, not accomplished. But something else. Something.. Maybe, proud.

My stupid bitch of a religion teacher is failing me because I'm pro-choice. Whatever, ma'am. I will take your 74 and shove it up your ass. This is why I never asked you for a job reference.

My birthday is in two days; so excited!!

On a gloomier note, the guy I want so bad, who I THOUGHT was in my league, but apparently isn't, hates me. Am I really in a lower social ranking than him? I'm beginning to get paranoid, that everyone hates me, that they all think I'm a fat ugly bitch. I think it's true, why wouldn't they?

Going to our rival school basketball game tomorrow. Should be good. May wear the opposing team's colors. Go team. Hooray. (Can you tell I used to be a cheerleader?)

30 hours out of a 24 hour fast... I feel so light and empty. New low-weight on my higher-weighing scale: 162.8 (not sure what it is on the other scale...)