Friday, December 31, 2010

Bye-bye, 2010.

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.
-Maya Angelou



I will be the butterfly. I will change, I will be beautiful.
So, goodbye 2010, with your multiple fat zeros.
I'll only miss those eight weeks of summer at camp.
But luckily, in 2011, with it's multiple thin ones, I get to go back again.
And this time, I'll be thin and beautiful.
And everyone will want me, want to be me.

But no one will know my secret.

I have to get skinny, faster than ever. I have college auditions in a month. I'll be eighteen in a month, and I have to be skinny when I get my tattoo.
I'm going to get it on my ribs... Might be nice if ribs were actually visible.
Fat chance.

"Rien ne pèse tant que un secret."
or
"Mais moi je ne t'oublierai pas."

One of those will be my tattoo.
I've always wanted my tattoo to be in French. Even though I don't take it anymore, I love the language. It's so beautiful...
And French women are nearly always perfection.


So goodbye, fat, chunky, gross, disgusting, obnoxious, cellulite-covered 2010.
And hello to thin, beautiful, loveable, worthy, slim 2011.


edit:
This is too perfect: I have 111 followers on the eve of 2011. :]

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Why thinner is better than fatter.

1. When thin people are pale, they look smaller, more fragile. When fat people are pale, they look chunkier.
2. When thin people wear oversize clothing, they look delicate and tiny. When fat people wear oversize clothing, they look bigger.
3. When you're thin, you don't have to worry about being too heavy to sit on people's laps.
4. Fatties don't look good in anything, really.
5. Everyone thinks it's great when you're thin. It's a compliment when you're "so tiny". It's disgust when you're "so big".
6. When you're fat, people think you're out of control. When you're thin, people think you can handle anything.
7. Thin people are always perceived as happy. Whether or not it's true, don't you want people to THINK that at least?
8. Weigh the options: ogre versus fairy. Which do you want to be?






(( Let's all keep in mind, for you assholes who feel like getting offended, I'm fucking fat as hell. :] Thanks! C: ))

Monday, December 27, 2010

I ate.
Approximately 1600 calories. Gross.


I have a new calorie-tracker app for my iPod Touch. It's nice. Reminds me of all my giant failures.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll sleep through the night for the first time since Wednesday.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

I'm bingeing right now.

Just thought you all should know the extent of my failure.

On the bright side, my dad, who I usually hate, decided to be nice for Christmas, and get me a Taylor guitar (it's absolutely lovely, sounds like a dream), a Loudbox Mini acoustic amp, a mic and mic stand, and my mom, who I usually love, but don't usually like, got me an iPod Touch.
So, overall decent Christmas haul (even though it's not really about the presents, is it? Hardy har har...).

Anyway, I'm bingeing now, on popcorn and chocolate chip cookies. Last night, I ate an entire box of couscous all by myself.
So, all in all, I'm a mother fucking failure. And this mother fucking failure is starting a liquid fast tomorrow. Tomorrow, because today's a bust. I know people always say, "Don't start tomorrow, start today!", but I can't do that. I need a new day, fresh start. And I don't like to start in the middle of the week either, I prefer to start on a Monday.
Liquid fast will go until January 1st, preferably. Not sure if I can get through a New Years Party without food (fingers crossed). I'll say I ate before I came, but you know me: Binge Monster Ahoy.


Love you guys. Hope the holidays aren't sucking too bad for you. <3

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Her.

She gets everything I want. She has everything I want.
It's not fair.
It's not fucking fair.
She has the body I want.
She won the first singing contest.
Now she has my part.
All because she's skinny.

I just purged for the first time in a year because of this.
It's so much easier now.
I'm not scared of it anymore.


All I had today was a white-chocolate and peppermint covered pretzel stick and a chocolate Frosty from Wendy's.
It's now down the toilet and I smell like vomit.

This just ruined my Christmas.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Inadequacy.

There's this girl, see.
And she can sing okay.... But her voice isn't as strong as mine (not bragging, I'm really not trying to brag, it's just not).
And she can dance okay.... But she can't dance as well as me (again, not bragging, I've just had more training than her).

But SHE'S going to get MY part, the one I've had my heart set on since my director announced the musical.
Because she's thin and beautiful.





And maybe if I had tried a little fucking harder, I could be thin and beautiful too.
But I'm not.
And I'm not going to get the part.
And I'm going to be heartbroken.
And I already am.
And I can't fucking stand it.
And I can't help thinking to myself, maybe if I hadn't eaten at lunch, maybe if I didn't eat at all.




Nothing goes right.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Gained today.
Stable throughout the day.


Not eating tomorrow. I know I told you guys all about this last year, but it's been audition season for my school's spring musical. I really, really want the lead, but I just know it's going to go to this tiny skinny girl who always gets the lead.




So, that's why I'm not eating.
Except not really, I probably will eat.
Fucking fatass.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Hate my dad.

You know how much I hate my dad.
I go off about it nearly every month.


Today, like yesterday, we had family dinner. I have no fucking clue why, there's no need. I could've gone without scarfing food.


Whenever we eat meals together, he goes on and on about his workouts and how many calories are in such and such food. I mentioned that my friend was bringing Oreo balls for me tomorrow, because I asked her to make them for me (yeah, I know, such a fatass). I was describing to my mom what was in them, and my dad bursts in with, "Yeah those sound like the kind of things that have about 1,800 calories in just one."

I bring the brownies out for dessert, my dad says, "When I see these, all I can think of is how just one is an entire workout, you know?"
Then he proceeds to take the biggest brownie of the bunch, looks at it, and says, "No, this has WEIGHT. This is at least two workouts!"

I took the smallest brownie and ate it slowly, as he gobbled his down. I hate him.


Because, honestly, Dad, all I can think of when I see brownies is how long I'm going to starve after eating one. And for the record, working out doesn't entitle you to eat as much as you fucking want. You complain about how you can't lose weight- It's because you eat like a fucking monster!

I may have gained nearly all my weight back, but you gained all of your weight back and then some.
I also can lose up to two pounds in a day, if I really try.
Suck on that, asshole.
Pissed at myself...
What else is new.

Gained 0.4 pounds from yesterday (171.8 this morning... Well, afternoon really, it's 3:24)


Gross.
Feel fat. Look fat.
What else is new.


On another note, my fucking uterus can suck my dick.
No, really.
My stomach hurts so bad right now, I just want to get this over with.


I only got my period once over the summer, in early July.
Come late August, I had a really weird period, it was the least amount of blood that has ever come from my vajayjay. Like, literally nothing.
Sorry if this is TMI.

I want to go back to that.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Explain to me.

Someone please explain to my why my body looks better now, at 172 pounds, than it did the same time last year, at 168 pounds?

I mean, yeah I lost weight and gained it back, but wouldn't my body look worse then?

Fuck, it still looks like shit, so what does it matter.

I'm going to go try and sleep off some of the two packages of Pop-tarts and three cherry candy canes I just ate, then maybe go work out.


Woke up at 171.4 today, three pounds down from Thursday.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Pissed as fuck.

Basically got called a butterface today.
(for those unaware, that's "everything's good... but her face.")


See, this really pisses me off, because the only thing I ever liked about myself was my face.
Now I have nothing to like.



What happened was, I was talking to a friend, and she goes, "Oh, I have to tell you something. This guy said that the perfect girl would be your body with this other girl's head."
Now first of all, I know for a fucking fact that my body in unattractive.
And second of all, this girl is GOOFY looking.
Third of all the guy is ugly as sin, but that's beside the point.


So basically, I'm ugly all around.
Fuck. At least if I was skinny, other people besides this nasty fucker would think I'm somewhat attractive.


I think I'm going to go cry again.
It doesn't matter how little I ate today.
Because the fact stands that I ate.
And that's not good enough.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Charlie's "Get Healthy" Plan.

This is not a disease, Charlie. You know that, so stop pretending.
You are not fucked up for wanting to be thin and healthy.
You are not fucked up for having to do it your own way.
It's not your fault your metabolism can't handle normal amounts of food without massive weight gain.
It's not your fault you took to bingeing to get rid of negative feelings.

But it's time for you to turn your life around.

Therefore,

CHARLIE'S "GET HEALTHY" PLAN
(unabriged)

Rules:
1. If eating, healthy foods only (see lists of healthy and unhealthy foods).
2. Limit intake of calorie-filled beverages (see list of beverages to avoid/eliminate).
3. Work out at least 30 minutes a day. Doesn't matter what. Walk, run, ellipse, bike, dance. Just do it for (at least) thirty straight minutes.
4. Meditate at least 10 minutes a day, write in journal every day.
5. Get at least eight hours of sleep (this means GO TO BED).
6. Do your homework.
7. Lotion every night. It's winter now, idiot.
8. No popping pills to go to sleep.

Healthy foods:

* Carrots
* Lettuce
* Croutons, but only if in a salad
* Salad dressing, but only if on a salad, and only if it is the "light" version
* Cucumber
* Kiwi
* Celery
* Apples
* Grapes
* Bananas (but ONLY in moderation)
* Tomato soup
* Rice cakes, unflavored
* Pomegranates
* Cottage cheese
* Eggs
* Yogurt
* Other miscellaneous fruits and vegetables

Unhealthy foods:

* Candy
* Chocolate (which is DIFFERENT from candy, and you know that)
* Chips
* Fried food
* Meat
* High-calorie nuts
* Trail mix
* Ice cream
* Cake
* Cheesecake
* Cookies
* Cupcakes
* Brownies
* Cheese
* Bread
* Bagels
* Cream cheese
* Butter
* Popcorn
* Pizza
* Gummies
* Lollipops

Beverages to limit:

* Opaque juices
* Clear juices
* Low-fat skim milk
* Hot chocolate
* Coffee

Beverages to eliminate:

* Full-calorie sodas (exception: Bob Marley Drink)
* Any more than 1% milk
* Milkshakes
* Smoothies (unless as a substitute for a meal)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I don't get it.

I've eaten at least, if not more, than 10,000 calories in the past 24 hours.

Two full packages of Pepperidge Farm cookies, three quarters of a bowl of angel hair pasta with butter, two giant bars of chocolate, two pieces of chocolate cheesecake, seven red Tootsie Pops, handfuls upon handfuls of sunflower seeds, glasses upon glasses of milk, four mini croissants, three mini chocolate chip cookies, probably more that I'm forgetting.

And somehow, I'm only 1.4 pounds heavier than yesterday morning.
I expected to be at 179, 180.
I'm at 173.6.


And fuck it, I cried.
How the fuck did I get this fat?


I know you guys think I'm this great person, and I'm not really sure how I convinced you of that. I'm a bitch to my parents, I lie to them about nearly everything, I procrastinate nearly everything, I binge daily, I'm not nice to my friends, I only have maybe two people at school who actually like me, I make fun of other people on a daily basis, occasionally for their weight, though I shouldn't really be one to talk, I make snap judgments about people that usually turn out not to be true, I hate people for stupid reasons like not paying enough attention to me.

Basically I'm a big old fat bag of disgustingly putrid AWFULNESS.

I cried reading your comments, because I know, deep down in my heart that I'm NOT a good person, that I DON'T deserve to be happy, and I'm not worthy of anything. I cried myself to sleep Friday night. I'm fucking crying right now.
Maybe I'm just fucking PMSing.

But shit, whenever I look in the mirror, all I can think is, "What the fuck did you ever do to give you the right to have all this fucking shit? You're not grateful. You're not thankful. You're not worthy."

Thursday, December 9, 2010

NW

Fasting didn't go so well.
I've found new joy in bruising myself.
Never liked cutting. Too much flesh.
I hate the word flesh.

But bruises are nice.
Purpley-blue, green, yellow-brown.
And bruises can have a logical explanation, unlike cuts on my wrists or thighs.



I have a giant, red-sharpie NW on my hand.
For "Not Worthy".

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I figured it out.

Why I've been bingeing, I mean.

And it's NOT because I'm happy.
Because, I think if I really was happy I wouldn't be bingeing.

But thank you peanut, not.quite.ana, and Lost In Space for those wonderful comments. They really made my day. :]

I think what's been triggering my binges lately has been my parents. Whether it's my dad saying, "Oh, I'm starting a new workout plan, you should join me, blah blah blah, I'll get you in shape," or my mom saying, "What are you talking about, you have no control when it comes to food, blah blah blah, this is my fault, food is comfort to me too, your issues with food are all my fault."

News flash. My disordered eating (it's been a long time since I've called it an eating disorder. Because really, it's not an eating disorder. It's just eating patterns that are a bit fucked up) is NOT ABOUT YOU. It's about ME.

Anyway, now that that's all figured out, and I've successfully binged the day away (gross) I think I'm going to fast tomorrow.

Or for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I know

I keep disappearing.

And I'm sorry.


I've lost something.

My motivation.
Well, it's there.
So maybe I lost all my willpower.

And I can't blame it on hormones.
Because I'm not about to get my period.

And I can't blame it on being unhappy.
Because at the moment, I'm not particularly unhappy.


Maybe I can blame it on being happy.
Yeah, that sounds legit.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Shit.

And I do mean literal shit, as in poop, as in fecal matter, as in in the toilet.

((This part of the post is going to be T.M.I., so I won't be offended if you skip it.))
So I woke up at 169.2 this morning.
Which was a pleasant surprise from the 170.2 that I ended up with yesterday morning (despite the fact that I saw it coming).

And I haven't really taken a good shit in about two days.
Everything finally came out tonight. Kind of grossly, I must say. I'd been feeling sick to my stomach all day, cramps and such. Knew it wasn't my period, because I just got my period a week ago (fuck that), so I figured it was something else.
And even after eating so much today, after taking such a gigantic dump, I was 168.0, and blissfully happy.
8 hours of sleep at night is doing me good.

((T.M.I. section is over.))


I realized I missed my blog's One Year Anniversary, so happy belated One Year Anniversary, Broken Mirrors!

-throws confetti-

I've come a long way from then.
I don't recommend reading my entries from last year... They are.... well, to put it nicely, PATHETIC.
From my very first post: "If I fail, it's here for the world to see, not just me."

Wise, wise words, young one.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Ashamed.

I'm fucking ashamed right now.

168.2

Gross.
Sorry I don't have a picture. Again, not really something I'd brag/lie about.

Five days and all I've lost is 1.8 pounds.
That's disgusting.
Alright, on my parent's scale it's 166.4.

But we won't believe the scale that's lower.
The scale that says I'm fat(ter) is obviously the correct one.


I can't go run because
a) It's fucking cold out
b)I have a sprained foot
and c) Pretty sure I'm depressed. Which makes me want to sit in my room and do nothing for the rest of my life, however long or short that may be.

So, fuck obligations. I'm going to clean and organize until I pass out.
Oh, and maybe do some of the fucking homework I've put off for the past ten years.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

The good die young...

And the bad live out hellishly long existences.

Guess I'll be here with y'all for quite some time.



A girl from my area of New York went missing a little over a week ago.
They finally found her.

She was only 20.


I don't really know why it's affecting me so much. I didn't even know her. A mutual friend of mine was extremely close to her.
But Jesus, I can't stop fucking thinking about it.
I'm having nightmares about it.
And I don't know why.



FUCK YES.

Well.

Alright, I didn't post a scale picture yesterday, but I promise it was 170.0 first thing in the morning. Not exactly something I'd necessarily want to lie/brag about. So just look at the first picture again.


Last night was... Fucking interesting. I think I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that K (guy from camp who I had the biggest crush on this summer) only likes me as a friend.

(Oh, I wore his sweatpants last night... AND I FUCKING BROKE THEM. Jesus, how fat can I be that I break guy's sweats? The string to tighten them snapped when I put them on.... But I totally didn't tell. :x Fuck, even if I know I'm fat, I'm not fucking admitting it to the world.)


So, we've pretty much decided that I just... Can't get high.
Which kind of sucks, on some levels. Everyone else is laughing hysterically and I'm just sitting there like "..... Dude. Fuck. This is NOT fun."
And I got like -30 hours of sleep last night, because we slept in a cabin with no fucking heat, only a fire that we kept going all night. It got smoky and it was freezing. I literally could not feel my toes.


But I haven't eaten in approximately 24 hours. I had some soda at the party... But no pizza. :]


Gonna go weigh myself... And take a shower. I bet my parents can smell the fucking smoke on me right now...

Friday, November 26, 2010

Apple pie and mashed potatoes for breakfast. Fuck, I'm fat.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Fucksgiving.

Yep.
Binged.
Did so good at mealtime too.


Fuck me fuck me fuck me.

I don't deserve to have nice people (cute guys) who invite me to hang out with them after the party.
Not at all.

Day 2 On The Scale



I know the picture's fuzzy. I can't use my camera to take these pictures, because my camera literally weighs 2 pounds.
So, shitty cellphone pictures are the way to be!
(It says 168.6, by the way.)


I'm really excited, because we finally made plans for after the party tomorrow. And the best part about these plans is that I don't come home tomorrow night. Thank fucking God.


However, this also means I can't eat breakfast on Saturday, if I want to get a decent weight.
And it means I can't eat anything tomorrow, if I want to feel slightly less guilty about eating pizza at the party.

Ah, sacrifices.

Love you guys. Thanks for your beautiful comments!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Day 1 On The Scale.



There's my scale picture for the day, taken AFTER I ate some breakfast (previous weight was 171.4; Go figure). Excuse the nasty fat foot.


Going to the emergency room later today to get my foot x-rayed. Did something to it.
Damn, the little fucker hurts.


Thank you for your lovely comments. I wish I had something awesome to tell you all about, but I don't.

So, sorry.

---

Edit;

Just fucking kidding.
Apparently, it's not a big enough of a deal to go to the emergency room unless I'm unable to walk normally without pain still on FUCKING FRIDAY.

Thanks for taking me fucking seriously, Dad.

Monday, November 22, 2010

So if the chain is on your door, I understand.




I haven't posted in a few days.
Not feeling very exciting.
More like binge-y and gross.
Will probably be about 172 tomorrow, up 2 from today's 170.4. Fuck me.

Starting the five days on the 24th. But getting my act together tomorrow. It's time to lose some motherfucking weight.

Friday, November 19, 2010

You're beautiful;; Every little piece, love.

Thank you everyone for the beautiful comments. :]

I gotta agree, the girl from my previous doesn't have the body type I want. But it's still better than what I have right now.


Do you have a person who is always there for you?

I don't.


Today (since we're in the middle of production for our fall drama), I got put in an insanely bad mood, when someone commented that one of the guys' makeup was better tonight than it was last night (I did it last night... Skinny Annoying Friend did it tonight. I felt better a few hours later when he told me he hated it tonight, and liked last night's so much better). It seems like a silly reason, but I haven't eaten a whole lot today and when I start restricting, I get mood-swingy (and before you ask, I DO feel gross for what I did eat).
So, being my emotional, annoying self, I went and sat on the ground outside.

And the guy I was in the play with last year came over and sat next to me.
I haven't hung out with him in awhile. We don't have many classes together, and he usually prefers to hang with the prettier, skinnier, skankier girls.
So he came, and sat next to me, and messed around with me.

And did it again during the second act (I wasn't in the second act).


He's there when I need him. But not available when I want him.

I'm pretty sure I like that relationship.
I really love him, I wish he could actually be my brother. We pretty much are the same person, and act like brother and sister anyway.
Hey, Mom, let's adopt him.




Anyway, I just wanted to share that a bit.
:]
Love you guys.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hold me together.

I'm freezing.
Chewing ice.
Freeing....

I just did a "healthy binge", (which is basically me scourging the house for junk food, not finding any, and chowing on grapes, mini chocolate-covered rice cakes and slices of American cheese) and I feel like shit today.

I was looking at college audition requirements for the musical theatre programs I want to get into.
My top choice college has this requirement under dance requirements (all paraphrased, not exact words): "We want applicants to be physically fit and capable of handling the requirements of musical theatre."
I wanted to cry.


My favorite Christmas song is "Breath of Heaven".

"Help me be strong. Help me be... Help me."


I love it.

I also love this girl. She's amazing, and I want her confidence (note, I didn't say I want her figure, her boobs, her legs, her smile, her hair. Her CONFIDENCE).



Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I gotta go to bed...

But let me tell you this quick:


I was a FATASSCOWPIG today.





(Oh, yeah, and I ate meat. Felt disgusting after.)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Long Live.

As you guys know, I never ever ever ever lie to you.
What's the point in lying to people who understand you better than your "best friends"?

I could tell you that I had an amazing day and didn't eat anything and I'm so proud.
I could tell you that I binged all day morning noon and night and I fucking hate myself.

But I'm going to tell you the truth.

First, I used my negative reinforcement rubber band all day (and I have quite the welt to show for it. I can't cut- I've tried it, it freaks me out about as much as purging does, which, if you know me, is a WHOLE FUCKING LOT. It makes me feel out of control... Which, I suppose is odd, because it gives other people a feeling of control. Anyway, parenthetical rant over), and it helped a little bit.
I wasn't planning on eating at lunch, but I did. I had a chocolate chip cookie, two cups of water and ice, and a teeny part of a sugar cookie.
Which, all in all, for me is not that bad.
I worked twenty minutes on the elliptical during gym class, burning a little over 130 calories, I think. Maybe 120.
Then went to play practice, had two muffins and a cracker.

Went to the store with my mom, bought a giant bag of candy... And cheese sticks (the swirly kind)...
Came home.
Made a considerable dent in both the bag o' candy and the cheese sticks. Had dinner (which my mom insists on making every night this week.), three quarters of a grilled cheese and a spoonful of tomato soup.

I do fucking hate myself.
But I hate myself less than I would have if I had eaten breakfast.
And lunch.
And candy.
And dinner.

Even though I know the scale will be higher tomorrow than it was today.
I'm just in this total state of fucking apathy.


HOWEVER.
This is a time to celebrate. Because I have 100 followers, and 12597 page views! -golf clap-

All of the absolutely amazing comments gave me so much strength today. I can't even begin to tell you.
<3 Thank you all so much.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Hi. :]

I know I went missing for a little while here.

I went missing from my life, too.
Not literally. But figuratively.


And I'm still 170-171. It's gross.
I'm going to try to make some changes. And get my damn act together.
It would be a lot easier, had my mother actually bought what I wanted from the grocery store.

I want to try a 72-hour fast. I know I probably won't make it through two... But I want to try. Starting at midnight tonight. Or is it tomorrow morning, since it's 12 A.M.?

So I'm going to write my plan all out, and bring my notebook so I can go somewhere and do something at lunch that doesn't involve the cafeteria or food.

My fall play is this week, and I'm so nervous.
But next week, I get to see my favorite cousin AND go to the post-Thanksgiving camp party!
But first I have to get through fucking Thanksgiving.
It'll be slightly easier this year since I won't be eating turkey (currently three months meat-free! I had a slip-up in late August...), but that leaves... Oh. Carbs, carbs, and more carbs.
Pass.
Maybe since we won't have guests, I can just convince my parents to let me eat on my own.
Not likely.
And they'll assume something is wrong if I don't eat mashed potatoes...
Stomach virus? Definitely possibility. But it has to be one of those less than 24-hour ones, because I still want to go to the party the next day.
Any other suggestions for the terrifying Thanksgiving dilemma?


Thank you to Dreams.and.Bones, Lost In Space, liz, Lucidity, and Blossom =) for commenting such lovely, nice things on my last post. I love you guys. <3



I have eleven fucking days until this party.
Eleven FUCKING days.
I need to lose something serious.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Day 10: One confession.

I've been thinking about this post for awhile.

(No, that's not the confession).

See, I'm not exactly sure what to confess to.
I could confess to being a complete and utter failure.
But you all already know that.
I could confess to being fat.
But you know that too.
I could confess to being pathetic.
But that's too obvious.


I think I'll confess to this:

I just made myself my own "Thirteen Little Blue Envelopes".
Have you ever read that book?
Or seen "P.S. I Love You"?

Well, basically, I have these really cute note cards with my initials on them, and matching purple envelopes. So I put benchmark weights on the cards (seven, going down from 160 to 100).
So I now have my own "Seven Little Purple Envelopes".
And inside each is a little inspirational/get off your fat ass note.

<3

Friday, November 5, 2010

Don't you hate it

when you lose to someone who you KNOW isn't as good as you?

IT FUCKING SUCKS.
Especially when she's skinny and pretty and everyone's favorite, and even though your song was ten times better than hers, she goes on to the final round and you get left in the fucking dust.
Especially when she sings the same song you were going to sing in the finals. AND YOU WERE GOING TO DO IT BETTER.



Fuck that. Fuck everyone.
Losing to someone like that just fucking sucks. Mostly because it's like a slap in the face, saying, "You're not good enough, but it's because you're fat."


Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I haven't felt this shitty in a really fucking long time.

I know I'm never going to get the part I want in the musical this year. This is a big fucking wake-up call.
I think it's time to stop fucking trying at everything.
Because all I ever get is disappointed.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Believe me.

Something's different right now.

My mom and I were talking in the car this morning. About food.
She's going on and on about how in her childhood "food equaled love", so now food is comfort to her.
And she "passed it on to me" (her words. Not mine).

Fuck that.
Food isn't comfort.
It's fucking hell.
Whatever "comfort" I may get from it is quickly replaced by guilt for eating the damn thing in the first place.

Food is punishment now.
Slipped up on your diet, Charlie? SHOVE SOME GODDAMN FOOD DOWN YOUR THROAT.
Looking extra-fat today? TIME FOR SOME FUCKING M&Ms. WHAT'S THE POINT OF TRYING? YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A TUB OF LARD.
Pants don't fit right? TRY ANOTHER SANDWICH. THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO BUY NEW PANTS...THREE SIZES BIGGER.

Somewhere over the summer, my Inner Restricting Voice got quieter and quieter. My Inner Binge-Eating Voice has made her ugly, fat-rolled appearance.
Today, IRV got PISSED. PISSED AS FUCK. And put a damn foot down.

Not strong enough to prevent me from eating, but strong enough to make me go run.
It's a start.

Day 9: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

1. :/ (confused, worried, unsure).

2. :) (Not to be confused with :] or C: or :D, :) is a peaceful smile. Not necessarily a happy one).

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day Eight: Three turn-ons.

1. Boy-smell (NOT B.O., the GOOD kind of boy-smell. :])
2. Nice hair.
3. Muscles. Yum.



I like reading your lists a lot. :]

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

No-Binge November. Also, Day Seven: Four turn-offs.

I'm starting my No-Binge November efforts a little late, but I'm starting, at least.
I have 23 days until my camp-family reunion, and I need to lose approximately an equal amount of weight.
Will it happen?
Probably not.
Will I try?
You fucking bet.



I need to say more, but I have to go to sleep. I'm never going to be able to wake up to do my homework.

Four turn-offs:
1. Bad attitude.
2. Nasty teeth.
3. Body odor.
4. Rudeness.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).

1. My mom.
2. My best friend since seventh grade (M).
3. My other best friend (B).
4. K (guy from camp).
5. E (guy I've known forever).

Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done.

1. Started binge-eating.
2. Texted him first.
3. Thought people would actually like me.
4. Said all that stuff.
5. Had dinner tonight. And last night. And the night before.
6. Been so trusting.



To be completely honest here, I have an instant replay running in my head constantly of stupid things I've done and said.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. How fat I am.
2. All the things I've done wrong.
3. Sex.
4. My lack of social skills.
5. Camp.
6. The fact that no one really likes me.
7. Boys.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

1. Give me hugs. Lots of them.
2. Don't be afraid to get close to me. Even though I'm afraid to get close to you.
3. Never bullshit me. Because when you say, "You're the perfect size," I KNOW you're lying.
4. Notice when I'm upset. Ask what's wrong. Console me even when I say I'm fine.
5. Don't pretend you don't like me, or at least that you like talking to me.
6. Have awesome hair (awesome muscles can be substituted for awesome hair).
7. Look at me. Even when I tell you to stop.
8. Above all, make me laugh.

I just binged on a bag of "fun-sized" Snickers.
Let me ask you this: What's so fun about a giant bag of calories, calling my name?

NOTHING. ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOTHING.




Granted, I had a granola bar for lunch.
But no excuses.


Eight ways to win your heart?

<3 Love you guys who answered. Love your answers. Love you. <3

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

1. I'm a cheerleader.
2. I over-think things way too much.
3. I'm in love with a boy whose hair is longer than mine... And who has a girlfriend 10x skinnier than me.
4. I love Ke$ha songs.
5. I'm not very profound.
6. I want to make it big in musical theater.
7. Camp is my life.
8. Eight is my favorite number.
9. Guitar is my outlet for emotions.


Now, if you're reading, tell me nine things about you. It can be anything. :]

Today was okay, I guess. Woke up at 168.8, hopefully will be 168.0 tomorrow...
But probably not.

I admit, I haven't been eating well lately.
I haven't been eating a whole lot.
But I haven't been eating well.



Sorry I haven't had much to say lately. I'm not in a good spot right now, I'm not really sure why.

Love you guys. <3

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. "I think you're a fake skank."
2. "I wish you would think about someone else for once in your life."
3. "Stop making me do all the work in this goddamn relationship."
4. "Thank you for always realizing something is wrong, even when I say, 'Nothing's wrong.'"
5. "You make me smile when you offer to beat someone up for me."
6. "If I weren't fat, would you like me more?"
7. "Stop acting like you're better than me."
8. "Why don't you ever talk? I bet if you'd talk to me, you'd smile more."
9. "She's a dirty whore. I don't even know her, and I know that."
10. "I love you."


Found this cool ten-day thing HERE. (Love you {3)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

An eating disorder is better than being fat.

This mother is disgusting. Shouldn't even be fit to call herself a mother.

Click it. Fucking disturbing.
‘With an eating disorder you can get through it with therapy. But when you’re fat, you’re fat for life.’



WHAT THE FUCK, LADY?!?



I'm sorry I haven't had a legitimate post in awhile guys. I feel awful about it, but I really have nothing to say right now.
Back to 170.
It's gross.

To not.quite.ana: Wow, my entire blog?! I'm sorry you read some of that fucking shit. XD

Thank you guys for being supportive as always. I love you. <3

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Yep. I'm officially gross and out of control.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Pagophagia

You learn something new every day.
Today I learned that among my other disorder eatings, I almost definitely have pagophagia, a form of pica (in which one consumes items that are not generally considered food, in the case of pagophagia, the item would be ice).
You can read about it in THIS WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE (yeah, I know, Wikipedia, but still, it's where I get all my information...)

It's actually kind of shocking that my obsession with chewing ice is actually a disorder.

And it's time for a story I forgot to tell you all.

Back in August, I went in to my doctor's office for a physical exam. She noticed on her chart that I had lost weight from my last physical and asked me what I had been doing differently.
"Oh, eating healthy... And I'm vegetarian now." I replied.
"Hmm. Well, keep doing what you're doing, since it's obviously working!"

I took that as a sign to continue fucking up my body with disordered eating.
I mean, why not?
(That one was clearly rhetorical...)

Liquid fast, Day 2

I'm on Day 2 of a rather random liquid fast.

After weighing in at 174 Sunday, 172 Monday, I started liquid fasting yesterday (Tuesday, also 172). I'm currently 168.4, woo.

Feeling really crappy and sluggish right now. I worked out after school, went for thirty minutes, got a drink, hopped back on. After six minutes I started getting dizzy and called it quits.
No sense in fainting in front of a pack of muscle-lusting junior-year boys.

I just feel so exhausted. I know this will go away soon if I continue (which, ultimately is the plan). I want to be at least 165 before I end this fast, if not 160.

I've never done more than a 1-day fast before. I feel semi-proud.
And at the same time, like shit.
Sorry for such a crappy post you guys. I'll properly update later.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Just the girl next door.

First of all, I wanted to thank Liz, Sam, Lost In Space, skinnybusiness, Sarah and Lucidity for such amazing comments. :] I know I usually thank you guys last, so I decided to thank you guys first this time, because those comments really mean so much to me.



Now, on to business.

I've come to the conclusion that everything about me opposes the person I want to become.
I want to be glamorous and mysterious and alluring.

But all my features scream "Girl Next Door".
Everything to my easily sunburned skin, to my freckles, from my strawberry blonde hair to my not-"hot" figure...
Even if I were skinny, I'd still just be a Plain Jane.
Okay, that phrase (Plain Jane) has always bothered me, because all the Janes I know are pretty and amazing and charismatic.

I want to be less sunny and more sultry.
Less Drew Barrymore, more Vivien Leigh.
Les chunky, more svelte.

That's a weird word. Svelte.

Anyway, it's time for me to hit the hay. I want to try to get at least six hours of sleep tonight...

<3
Love you.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Ouch.

Lost two followers over the past week.

Is it because I don't post religiously anymore?
Sorry if I don't feel like boring you guys with random spew from my mouth.

@lovelybones; I meant to answer your question awhile ago... Slipped my mind completely. I wish I did live in Canada so we could be real-life buddies (actually, the thought of being RL buddies with anyone from this community scares me so much I can't even put it into words). No, sadly I live in boring Upstate New York. This is big, I've never made any allusion to where I live in this blog. At all. I'm still in high school, too.
@Lost In Space; Meant to answer this too: my school got $11 million from rich fancy-pants donors/alumni who wanted to have their name put on something at the school. Nothing worthwhile, like, oh, I don't know, a THEATER. Instead, two turf fields, a new track, a new softball field, new exercise equipment (not complaining about that one).

So what have I been up to in the past FOREVER that it's been since I last posted?
Well, major bingeing, to start.
Working my way back, as of today.
Started a break-a-habit plan, completely ending my chocolate consumption (I'm on Day Three. Don't want to jinx it, even though I know by putting it on here I will, like always. I've been eating chocolate every day, it's wreaking havoc on my skin. So no more of that).
Still as fucking fat as ever, still 17 (+?) pounds heavier than when I left camp.

So Charlie = unhappy.

Kind of.

See, there's a new guy in the picture...
But I don't want to jinx anything.
So for right now, my lips are sealed. :x


Love you guys. <3
Would love comments, if it's not too much to ask. Self-esteem is pretty much down the toilet at the moment.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Today, after a successful day of NOT eating, I emotion-binged on two slices of pizza and a whole package of Pepperidge Farm cookies.

I think it's time for me to give up my dream of ever being successful at anything in my life.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I'm not desperate I'm not desperate I'm not desperate.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Day 00

Today started a new life for me. A life of... Gasp! Actually working out?!

As a part of my school's 11 million dollar athletic revamp (yeah. ELEVEN MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS. Including two new turf fields, a redesigned grass field for modified sports, softball field, and overhauled weight/fitness room. And we still have no fucking theater. Go fucking figure), they redid our weight room. It now has two treadmills, two elliptical machines, and two stationary bikes.
Guess what Charlie is now in love with?

So, my friend and I decided that would start using the ellipticals every Monday and Wednesday (I'm not a slacker, I swear! Tuesdays and Thursdays I have chorus, play practice, and cheer practice straight after school until six! Fridays we have football games to cheer at, and excuse me, but I am not doing an hour on the elliptical right before cheering a three/four hour game. Ick). And we started today.
Food intake wasn't great today. Half a peanut butter (ew) sandwich for breakfast, a cookie, pudding for lunch. Ellipsisized (ellipsed? Who the fuck knows...) an hour (-410 calories). Came home and turned into Binge Monster, ugh. Slice of American cheese, handful of chips and salsa, three smallish slices of pizza (PIZZA.) and an ice pop. Then dance class, funnest thing of my life. My teacher tore something in her shoulder, so we had this awesome guy teaching class, and he's just so much fun!

Anyway, today starts Day 00 of the New Charlie.
Tomorrow starts Day 01 of ABC (Yes. Charlie's actually trying this YET ANOTHER TIME).
Who knows. Maybe this time it'll work out.


Thank you all for your encouraging comments. I love you. <3

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Fuel to the fire.

Alright, like always, prepare for fail.

Because liquid fast was an epic one.




But something happened today.
I don't know, something clicked. Something just happened.
It also had something to do with the lone dollar I had for lunch.
So I had a yogurt.
And lots of water.
Lots of water.

Cheer practice: owe coach five sets of suicides.

Go through. Can't breathe. Push through anyway. Feel like bursting into tears. Refrain from crying, refrain from puking.
Done. Catch breath, drink water, relax.

Pack of Starbursts. Five or six mini Halloween-candy bars.
Step on the scale.
167.4



Dinner tonight?
Maybe an egg and slice of toast.
Nothing more.
I'm feeling good.
:]


Love you guys. Thanks for believing in me even when I fail over and over and over and over... (you get it).

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Tomorrow is liquid fasting/Charlie gets all her damn shit together. I have three pages full of lines in Oedipus to memorize, a three to five page paper to write (on the psychological/mental transformations in "The Metamorphosis"), a mask to make (for performing Oedipus) and two posters to beautify.


Tomorrow is going to be hell.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

300

I wanted this post to be something monumental, something amazing.

That's why it's taken me so long to get it up here.
(That, and the fact that I'm fucking EXHAUSTED.)



I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Weight is stable (but high- too high)



So, new plan is in effect: starve, starve, starve.
Oh, and maybe get off my lazy fucking ass and exercise, maybe?





My nails are freshly painted (Here Today... Aragon Tomorrow by OPI. It's a dark forest green. Appropriate for fall, in my personal opinion), my hair is freshly washed (as is the rest of me), and I am freshly ready to continue my journey to thin.

Au revoir, loves. <3

Monday, September 20, 2010

New goals.

1. Fit into Roxy jeans (size 11) comfortably (that means LOOSE) by after-Thanksgiving camp party (November 26th).
2. Outshrink (not a word, I know, but it would be lovely) adorable dress from Forever 21 (so cute, it's red satin-y fabric, poofy, with a bow in the front!) by Semi-formal (December 11th).
3. Fit into National Honor Society shirt (who the FUCK ordered me a small?!? Was that me?!? What the hell, Charlie!) by 2011 (January 1st).
4. Be a lot lighter by my birthday (February 3rd).
5. Have most of gut-flab gone by spring (March 20th).
6. Be bathing-suit-ready by the last day of school (May 22nd).
7. Be sexy in a white dress for graduation (June 5th).
8. Have a bikini (and look good in it!) by the time camp starts (June 26th).



Maybe these goals will be more productive than number-based goals. I'm sick of the fucking scale anyway...


Oh, and thanks to red's comment (by the way, we probably are the same person. Let's bond over it), I now have a Twitter! It's charlotterose8, and I'm going to put something to do with it over in the sidebar. :]
So follow me, I'll follow you, we can follow each other...... -seductive eyebrow raise-

No but seriously.


Shit, how can I be fucking serious at a time like this?!?!?!

I'm going psycho.
And this stupid boy texted me again.
At five o fucking clock in the morning.









YOUMAKENOSENSE.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

At the end of the day, I'm 169.4.

And happy about it, considering two nights ago after a binge I was 176. Binges make sense as Auntie Flo has now come to town like a motherfucker. The last period I got was so light I barely knew it was there. Not so much with this one.
Too much?
Oh well.




I'm still so confused about this guy business.
It doesn't make sense.
Why are you talking to me NOW?
A year ago, I would've been ecstatic. I would been all over this shit.

Now?
I can't stop thinking about K, the adorable guy from camp who was as awkwardly quiet around me as I was around him (for the most part. We were good friends, legit).
Now?
I need to focus on senior year, not this bullshit.
Now?
I really could care less that your ex-girlfriend is a whore (truth, she is, and I could've told you that when you first started dating).


Now?
I love you guys. You and your wonderful encouraging comments even when I'm just being a slacker in life.

Now..
It's time for sleep.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Because of my schedule right now, I. Can't. Starve.



And it's pissing me off.
Because I have to give blood in two weeks, because I can't get dizzy at cheerleading, because I just don't know.


So, my goal to get through the next through weeks sane and NOT FATTER is to eliminate bingeing. And worry about the starving secondarily.


I said last night I didn't have stories.
And when I posted, I didn't.
Then out of fucking nowhere, a guy that I've known all my life, that I was completely in love with for most of my life, texted me after not talking to me. At 1:30 in the fucking morning.
We talked until almost 4:00 a.m., then we were talking tonight.

I'm pretty sure he just fucking annoys me now.



Isn't that funny? This guy, who I've been wishing for so long would talk to me finally starts. But the guy I really want to talk to I'm pretty sure thinks I'm just a fucking annoying little kid.



I love all your comments. :] Thank you so much. They put a smile on my face when everything else is a mess. <3

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Starting my life over tomorrow.
Because I'm too fucking fat.



I don't even feel any initiative to make a change, either.
I just want an easy way out.
But there is no easy way out.

It's either starve and get thinner, or don't starve and get fatter.

And, let's be honest, no one ever wants to get fatter, no matter what those naturally skinny bitches say.

I wish I had stories to tell you.
But I have no guys, my friends are, well, annoying, and I don't talk to my friends from camp like, at all.
I have my road test scheduled for next week.
Yeah, that's right, I'm almost eighteen and still don't have my license.



I realize I'm rambling. I have to go to sleep so I can wake up in five hours.
I took a four hour nap today. It was amazing.



Goodnight. I love you all, thank you for your kind words. :]

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Losing track of time.

And of my appetite.

What the fuck?
How did I let myself go so far as to get to a weight I haven't weighed since FEBRUARY 2010?!

Shocker: It's like squeezing into a fucking sausage roll when I try on a dress I bought three weeks ago.

Three weeks ago, it was too big in the chest.
This week, my tits barely fit in it.



I don't know where I'm going with my life here.


I don't have the energy to rant, so I'll go get some fucking cookies and milk and do some fucking homework.
And attempt to get into college.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Sacreligious.

Warning: RANT. If you don't care, don't read.


I really, really, really hate religion.
Of all forms.

Because no matter how many sane, rational people there are, there are always those few religious nuts.
Like Muslim extremists.
Because of them, simple-minded people now view Islam as this horrible religion that condones terrorism, etc.
Like Christian extremists.
Who take a book written by biased old men hundreds of years ago literally.
Like this guy who was going to burn as many copies of the Qur'an as he could on September 11.

I was baptized Methodist.
I don't go to church anymore.


To me, church is just a big conglomeration of fake, hypocritical people who act holy, but aren't really.
At least I can fucking admit to it.
I feel like a lot of violence could have been prevented if there were no religions in the world.
The Crusades, for one.

I'm spiritual.
I'd like to think I'm a moderately spiritual person.


But take your shit religion and stuff it down the throat of someone else please.

/endrant.

----

On a different note, my 48 hour fast was a (total) bust, but I'm trying something new. I'll tell you about it if it fucking works.
Holy mother of shit, I'm fat.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Clean.

I went on some sort of hyper cleaning-spree today. My room looks mostly (grossly) clean.
I'm shocked.
Am I turning into one of those weird orderly people?

Dear God, I hope so.


@Lost In Space; I had no idea that people (well, women) could actually feel ovulation. But I think that's exactly what it is. So odd!
As for the 48 hour fast, I'm in. Don't know how long I'll last, but I'm in. :]

Anyone else care to join?




In other news, I've decided that I'm far too busy for boys.
This is meant to replace my "not caring" thing, which didn't work out.



Of course, once I decide I'm too busy, they ALL wanna talk.
Whatever. Talk to the hand.
I'm busy improving myself.
Starting with the flab that grace my body so ungracefully.

48 hours starts at 12:00 p.m., let's do this!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Sick of trying to write witty titles.

I'm still feeling irrelevant, though that's not my point tonight.



What is my point?
Lemme get back to you on that one.


Had a (relatively) good day, compared to my usual days. Still had a little mini-binge a few hours ago with some cheese and some crackers and some watermelon sherbet...

What is it about the sun going down that makes me want to shove food down my gullet?
(Not gonna lie, it made me really happy to use the word "gullet" in a sentence right there.)
Not to mention the fact that I've literally been waiting since six o'clock for a text from a boy that just arrived a little under an hour ago.

WHAT DO YOU DO IN COLLEGE THAT REQUIRES A FIVE HOUR REPLY-RATE?!?
(That was rhetorical, my dears)


Sigh.
Maybe once I'm in college, I'll understand.
Fuck, I want to go so badly.
But first I need senior year, college apps, college rejections, hopefully a few college acceptances, another summer... and THEN I can go to college.

Also, I've been getting this pain in my left side for some hours now... Approximately where my ovary is? I know, random... But it's like this twinge-y sort of pain. Nothing shocking, nothing un-handle-able. But kind of annoying.


Anyway... let's see.
Update on food intake? Check.
Pointless mini-rant about the opposite gender? Check.
Random biological observation? Check.

I seem to have covered all the basics. I have nothing left to say to you.
Except I love you. :]

Monday, September 6, 2010

Living for myself.

I took a few days (well, I was forced to take a few days), went to the family lake house, and contemplated.

While I pondered the meaning of life, and why he hasn't talked to me in two weeks, and stayed up until four in the morning, simply because I couldn't fall asleep, I came to a conclusion as to why it's been so difficult for me to get back into the swing of starving (p.s., I didn't come to this conclusion by myself. I had a little help from a post by OhMyGosh).

For all my seventeen years, I've been living simply for myself.
My binges were for me.
My starvation was for me.

For eight weeks this summer, I didn't live for me.
I lived for five to six kids per week.
I lived for all the boys and girls cabins that came through Nature to spend time hiking and playing games and finding creatures in the stream.
I lived for the other counselors, who quickly became some of my best friends.


And now that I'm back at home, I'm struggling to figure out who to live for.






Okay, okay, okay, I realize that sounds like I'm some depressed, suicidal kid.
I swear, I'm not. :]

Because now that I don't have to live for them, I'm living for me in the ways that I used to, before starving became my way of living for me.


(That means by eating. A lot.)





So excuse me while I go finish the ice cream that's in the freezer. And whatever else we have that's delicious.



And tomorrow, maybe I'll start living properly again.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Losing.

And not in the way I'd like.


Food was eaten yesterday (and today), due to dizzy spells at practice.



I feel like I'm losing relevance in my life.
And I have no idea how to get it back.




Suggestions? (Besides getting skinny, of course. I'm already working on that one...)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Have faith in me.

It's a good song, you should listen to it.
It's by A Day To Remember. ADTR and Say Anything have become my new addictions.
And Lucky Charms.


But that's another story.


That we're actually going to discuss right now.

Here's my plan for tonight. Go downstairs, eat a big fucking bowl of Lucky Charms, and fall asleep down there, because it's too fucking hot for August.


And then starve. For a few days.


I don't PLAN on eating until the football game on Friday (passing out during stunting would be a very very very bad idea).
However, since you all know me, and know I'm a fucking fatass douchebag, you know that I'll probably be eating first thing tomorrow morning.
And tomorrow afternoon.
And tomorrow evening.


I meant to tell you guys a story.
One of my nights off this summer, we were driving around, picking people up (like one of the guys' girlfriend, one of the guys' wife, etc.) and we were going to go to the movies. I kept getting stuck in the bitch seat (middle back seat, you know). Finally got out of it, and had some space when one of the guys got dropped off at his car, and then one of the other guys is like, "Oh, can we pick up my girlfriend?", so we're off, and the guy I was sitting in the backseat with starts making fun of me saying I'm stuck in the bitch seat. And her boyfriend, who had shotgun goes, "Oh don't worry it'll be fine. She's like, TINY."
Long story short I ended up bitch seat again, but the point of that was the way he described her.
Like it was GODLY to be that small, like he worshipped her for that (and she is tiny, maybe five foot two, and skinny as fuck. The nicest thing, too. I was jealous all night).
Anyway, that was my "eating disorder epiphany moment" of the summer. And I figured I'd take some time and share it with you. It probably makes NO sense at all, because I'm exhausted right now.

But there. A proper post.


Lucky Charms, here I come.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Fast ended, fourteen hours, with two mini bagels (cream cheese), two Nutrigrain bars (strawberry), and some Cran-Apple juice.



Love myself. :]

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Liquid fast didn't happen today.

Hahaha, look at how fucking pathetic and fat I've become.



Shit, I hate this.
But I'm not changing it.
Someone tell me WHY.












Attempting to fast tomorrow.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

All right.

Too much was eaten today.
That is fact.

Tomorrow is liquid fast.
That is also fact.





I had a really nice conversation with a boy today.
Surprisingly, he started it.
He was a counselor-in-training this summer, for two of the weeks.
I thought he was adorable.


He's like, fifteen though.
Which saddens me.





Stupid boy that I want is off at college having fun.
Stupid other boy that I want has a girlfriend.




Fuck, I have a headache.
I love you guys. Thank you for your comments. They make me feel more relevant. If that makes any sense at all.

Friday, August 27, 2010

It's time to get serious.

It's been a week since I've gotten back from camp, and the only productive thing I've done is clean my room.

And even that was half-assed.
I have two weeks. Two weeks to read ten books, finish my AP chemistry homework, and start losing some goddamn weight.
So let's start planning.

Charlie's New Fuck-You Plan
-Calories must be kept below 800 per day, regardless of what is eaten.
-NO MEAT.
-Everything eaten must be recorded in specified food journal.
-One page per week must be completed in thinspo notebook.
-Exercise must occur at least FOUR times a week (cheerleading practice and dance count).





Ta-da. There it is. Nothing intense, like I usually do (I don't have the energy.
Love you guys. Thank you for your amazing words.
Fast ended 17 hours in, with a bag of trail mix, some popcorn, and some chocolate-covered plum bits.








Fuck me.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Lost a follower. :[
Gained some weight. :[
Was disappointed by some people. :[



Begin the fast.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Day 4 of COMPLETE FUCKING BINGEING.







Kill me please.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

More bullshit.

Starting tomorrow on ABC.
Because today was epic fail?

But now all the gross disgusting (delicious) food is out of the house, and I'm broke so I can't buy more (not that I have my license so I can go out and buy it).
So tomorrow is lemon yogurt and cottage cheese day!

Fuck it, I need to start eating better.
Scratch that. I need to stop eating.
Because I have a kind-of date.



Kind of...
So I texted this guy that I worked with this summer.
I always kind of had a thing for him and his twin. They're so damn cute! :] Not like the thing I had for the other guy, who I still really like but I'm 99.99% positive he has a thing for another girl we work with.
One of the twins has really long hair, which surprisingly enough is not a turn-off. But he has a girlfriend (so stop grabbing my ass, Jesus).The other one, the one I texted, does not. Either way, I told him that he and his brother should go to the State Fair with me (it's a big deal here), because I have no one to go with. Anyway, he's going to go with me, I'm not sure about his brother, but either way I have a kind-of date-ish thing, even though we're like friends, and that means I need to be skinnier by whatever time we decide that is.

And I got cute clothes today. :]
Slim-fit band shirts.
Size MEDIUM.



We're getting somewhere.
Even if I do now weigh over 160, which I haven't since like, April.

Fuuuuuck.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Good to know I'm a master of bullshit.

When am I going to learn that throwing myself full-force back into Ana never really fucking works?

This means it's time for something else.


Not only did I binge like a fucker today, I had meat for the first time in two months (gasp... I screwed up multiple things).
So trusty ABC starts tomorrow. Mom and I will be going separate ways tomorrow (meaning, no offers to take me out to lunch), and I'll be power-shopping with all my hard-earned cash (not all of it, just $140.00 of the $400.00 I have left... Yeah, shitty pay for the best job in the world. I'd do it for free, no lie).

I got the cutest skirt today. It's charcoal-grey and pleated. Looks like something out of Harry Potter. And the cutest sweater. Burnt orange, my newest favorite color. Both fit perfectly.
Both are larges.


I could be thankful that it's not extra-large.


I could be.







Instead I hate myself for ever letting myself get this fucking fat.



But at the same time, I'm a new person now.
It's hard to not let myself eat a little something when I'm hungry.
I've gotten used to setting a good example.
I've gotten used to being the role model, who has to clear her plate to show the kids how it should be (mind you, my plate was not quite full to begin with).


And now I have to go back to being the selfish little girl who only cares about herself and her appearance and every little fucking thing that happens to her.
At camp I could put it all aside and worry about the kids.
At home, I have nothing else to worry about.




I hate it this way.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Fuck everyone.

Fuck you, for leading me on because the girl you wanted wasn't there all summer.
Fuck you, for being completely fucking oblivious.
Fuck you, for feeling me up and making me think you liked me, when you have a girlfriend.
Fuck you, for not even being decent enough to carry on a two-minute conversation.
Fuck you, for making everything about yourself.
Fuck you, for making me listen to awesome songs and making me think of you when I listen to them.
Fuck you, for being over.





I binged.
Today.
Well, technically it's yesterday.
But I don't count it as yesterday until I wake up the next morning.


So tomorrow (today), I'm fucking fasting.
Because, well, fuck you.
I'm going to be fabulous, and if you can't see that now, well then, fuck you.






Shit, I love this song.

I Want To Know Your Plans by Say Anything.



One of the guys at camp was playing this song all last week. He might even make it sound better than Say Anything, if that's possible. And all these songs by Say Anything, and MGMT, and A Day To Remember, and The Secret Handshake all make me think of these past eight weeks and where the FUCK did they go?






Anyway, fasting tomorrow. I'm going to try to slowly get back into the swing of things here.

And by slowly I mean force this fucking thing as fast as possible.
I want to stop thinking about what I should've done, should've said, should've kept to myself.

On a good note, I've been thoroughly vegetarian for possibly over two months now. Still going strong. :]
Chicken nuggets nights were hard. As were days of endless cheese sandwiches.
They feed us too much at camp.
And the milk.
Milk must be served to everyone (under the age of eighteen) at every meal.
And it's two percent.
Not skim milk.
Two fucking percent.





I'm rambling. It's late.

I love you all. @Anne, I could never leave, not completely. :] I feel like I've missed so much right now, and I'm going to be overwhelmed trying to get caught up on everyone's lives. But I'm glad you decided to join us on Blogger. :]
Everyone else, who I'm too tired to name (you know who you are, I hope), I love you. Thank you for your beautiful comments. I love you all so much. Thanks for sticking with me during this crazy summer, where I've disappeared for so long.

I love you.


edit;
I just realized I've had over 10,000 hits on my blog.
So thank you everyone for that, too. I know it's mostly been me just looking at my own shit. But still. :]

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I don't know.

I don't know how I feel (other than fat).
I don't know what to do (other than eat).
I don't know what to say (so I say nothing).




I don't know what everyone fucking wants from me.

So I've decided to stop caring.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Do better.

So I'm actually going to be able to post this week, thanks to guest internet at the college I'm doing a week-long summer program at. I can't say I'm proud of what I ate today (2 grilled cheeses, a large cookie, a caramel macchiato, a caramel frappe) , but I'm proud of what I didn't eat (french fries, bagel, pizza, anything from McDonald's).

It's officially been a whole month (and a few days) since I last ate meat. I signed up to give blood on Saturday, so we'll see what happens, how my iron levels are (I've been bruising really easily lately, so I should get some raisins).

I want to be back at camp so bad right now it hurts.


---

That was from yesterday. I didn't get to finish because it was late, and my roommate and I wanted to sleep.

Charr, don't worry about the whole pot thing too much. :] I'm not like my Skinny Annoying Friend, and I'm not going to turn into a huge pot head and get super-high all the time and be a nasty skank.
Plus the guys I smoke with wouldn't take advantage of me, I'm pretty much positive. One's married, the other has a girlfriend, his twin brother is trying to get another of our coworkers, and the guy I like I'm sure has no sexual interest in me.
Anonymous; thanks for reading my blog! And thanks for the congratulations- it's hard because the cook seriously puts meat in every single thing. I don't want to be an inconvenience, but when all I can eat is bread, and dessert, and carrots, life gets rough. I'm going to be so fat after this week though, there's nowhere to get healthy food. To answer your question, I don't find it difficult keeping my blog a secret. I use a different browser for my ED things than for the rest of my life (Firefox is ED, Safari is Normal Life), so I don't have to worry about clearing the history.
My computer is a laptop, too, so that makes life easier.

I'm addicted to a lot of new music, thanks to my favorite boys at camp (the guy counselors always have the best music, and they have sweet stereo setups. My cabin is the farthest away, and I can still hear their music blasting.

My favorite song right now is "Do Better" by Say Anything. I suggest you listen to it. It's really fucking inspirational.
"You can do better, you can do better. You can be the greatest man in the world."

I'm going to take a nap before my next class. Love you guys. I missed you all too. See ya later! :]

Hey guys.

I'm back for five minutes before I'm off again- this time for a college program. I'm taking a week off from camp, which makes me really sad. I'm going to miss everyone.

This weekend was Staff Weekend. We went to the Renaissance Festival, which was really cool. And so funny. I love the people I work with.

Last night, six of us went and stayed over at this girl's house (she has a house on the same lake as camp. I do to, but hers is right next to camp).
I smoked pot for the first time ever, and had half a beer. Also smoked some Blue Lotus Flower, which is supposed to give you crazy dreams... I had no crazy dreams whatsoeverr.
I didn't even get high, which kind of sucked. Everyone else was totally baked and I was just chilling there laughing at them.


I'm back to 153.6 as of right now, which is a veryvery good thing, considering I consumed massive amounts of pizza this week.




Fuck, I wanna go back to camp.



I miss you guys. I feel like I've completely lost touch. Don't worry though. After camp is over, we'll pick up right where we left off. And maybe I'll be a little skinnier. :]

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Reattachment.

I feel detached from my eating disorder.

I mean, it's always there, in the back of my mind, every time all I eat for dinner is a roll with real butter, or when I stuff two grilled cheeses into my mouth.
But it's time to reattach.
Because I GAINED WEIGHT this week.

That means no more cabin food stash.
That means when going to the kitchen at nights is for oranges and melon, not cookies and muffins.
That means that I cannot- WILL NOT- be the girl that D always talks about.
He tells me that she's really fat, and that she wouldn't eat vegetables even though she was a vegetarian- all she ate was cake.

One of the CITs this past week said I looked like her.
My jaw dropped.

When I told D that, he reassured me that I'm a lot smaller.


But I don't believe him.







So I'm reattaching. I'm waking up early and going for a run tomorrow. I'm doing my hair and getting pretty for tomorrow.
I'm going to get the guy that I want, I'm going to get the body I want, I'm going to get the life that I want.


I love you guys.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Hey guys.

I missed you. I've been trying to read your blogs while doing my laundry and making lists of things I need, all in one day.
Hasn't been working too well.


I will not lie to you, my journal entry (yes, single entry this week) is pathetic. As is my weight loss (non-existent).
On Sunday of last week I was 155 (binge monster), after my 153 on Friday.
Today, after a mini-binge last night and breakfast this morning, I am 154.something.

I can see changes on my body, but there are no changes on the scale.
And that kills me.


I know you guys don't really care about this, but I loved my campers this past week. They were so adorable and so wonderful, I just wanted to take all of them home.
Of course, during the week, I couldn't wait for it to be over!
Nothing amazing guy-wise, which I hate. I went kayaking with one guy I've had my eye on... Then he didn't talk to me for pretty much the rest of the week (probably because all the rest of the guys were making comments, like guys do).

Eating was baaad. We have breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, plus a snack before bed, and on nighttime breaks the counselors usually go raid the kitchen.
I raided maybe two nights out the the week?
But it's not like I can openly starve myself at camp. Not when I have little girls copying my every food move.
And that kills me, too.



So, I'll see you guys next week. Hopefully with more exciting things to report on other than my non-existent starvation, amazing campers, and lack of male affection. :]


Love you guys.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Bye.

See you guys on Friday. I'll miss you. :[

Friday, July 2, 2010

Weekly Report (because I have no idea what to call this)

I thought I'd give a brief little introduction to this post before I begin with my journal entries.
First of all, I want to say that even though I was really nervous about this week and getting to know everyone at camp, I am so freaking desperate to go back right now.
Is that weird? Like, after one week, I already feel like we're pretty much as close as family (or at least cousins, if not immediate family) , and we're just going to get closer as the weeks go by.
I do kind of have a crush on someone already. :]
But there's really no way it's going to happen due to some underlying circumstances that may or may not happen later.

Also, even eating three (vegetarian) meals a day, along with some desserts, I have now hit my goal weight of 153. Technically 153.2, but I weighed myself after breakfast (we had breakfast at camp before I came home). :] So that makes me happy.

Alright, I'm going to go grab my journal and start typing shit. Please be prepared, this post is going to be loooooooooooong.

June 27, 2010

Prettiest Disney Princesses
1. Pocahontas
2. Jasmine
3. Ariel
4. Belle
5. Aurora (Sleeping Beauty)


June 28, 2010
Been doing well today, all vegetables except for one piece of bread and a cup of milk. Didn't even go for the cheesecake.
I will not be the girl S (male counselor) talked about... Veggies not cake for me. And I'll be skinny by the end of the summer. So Skinny that everyone will stare when I go back to school. I'll be amazing.
________
So far so good. Not too happy about the whole "getting-to-know-you" team-building exercises. It's surprisingly how different people are from my first impressions. S is exactly like N (guy from my school), with the blonde hair, blue eyes, oh, yeah, and the way he pokes fun at everyone in his path. But during the whole "staff training", I saw a completely different side of him. Props. (Here I was making reference to his seriousness about the campers and camp life)
I'm not sure when M (cabinmate) is going to get back from the boys area. I have my eye on a few already. But shh. I'm not mentioning names in case of enemy capture. I don't really know what I'd do if someone found this shit. Really, no clue. I mean, there's no denying shit written here, right?
I hate being lonely. Of course B and K (two other female counselors, new girls like me) are together and I'm all alone with M. I mean she's really nice and all but she's always with S (who is her boyfriend)... It's hard to get to know someone when they're constantly with someone.
________
Yay. :]


June 29, 2010 (This entry is the absolute longest. Five fucking pages!)

The reason I said "yay" last night was because K, sweet thing that she is, came and invited me to go up with the rest of them to the boys area where they were playing guitar and having a good time.
Fruit and cereal for breakfast. Hopefully veggies for lunch. I have like 25 minutes to kill and I can't waste it all writing... I kinda feel like an outcast already. Usually I come to camp and make a best friend and that's it... But K and B are primed to be best friends because they're together, and M is nice but she doesn't really show any interest i getting to know me. Oh well... Guess I'll just stay lonely all summer. :]
But whatever, you know? I mean, I can lead a group of eight and nine year olds but when it comes to leading people older than me? No thanks. I'm really shy and I'm not sure people realize that. I'm good in small-group settings. Not that they ever need to know the reason why I'm antisocial...
Had lettuce and a few bites of a rice and cheese burrito (it was kind of gross). Dinner was tough to stay away from. The pasta in meat sauce smelled so good... But I had a salad, a piece of bread, some cinnamon apples and half a piece of delicious cakes. It was damn good, too.
I wand to feel like a part of this family. But no one wants to really open up. B and I bonded over raking today but I still have nothing to talk to her about. Oh, but I have a giant popped blister on my right thumb from raking. I wish someone would come invite me to join the party again. Or at least for M to come back. She doesn't have her flashlight, so I can't just go to bed and turn the light off. I mean, who goes to the boys area right after they shower? Come back to the cabin so I can go to bed...
Oh yay...
Took long enough.
I shouldn't make hasty judgments like that. I should use the word "hasty" ever again. Sound like a fucking old woman.
It's weird, I don't swear much while I'm here.
I can't wait to get "archery-certified".
Note to self- bring slippers. It's FREEZING!
I do really need more clothes. Bigger dresser next year, yeah? Or maybe another dresser to stack on top of the one I have.
Jesus it's cold.
I just want to go to sleep. I cant handle 7 hours- I need 12!
Plus I think I'm going to try to shower in the morning, so that means waking up EARLIER.
How long does it take to get a damn fire alarm? Not as long as she's taking.
God, I'm shivering. Burning mad calories, which is definitely a good thing. Second night in a row going to bed, stomach growling. I love camp.
Fuck. I'm on page five. I should write slower. Or smaller.
Probably going to bed soon. Night.
{3




That's where my journal entries end for this week, so apologies. No Wednesday or Thursday, because I actually started having fun. :]
And the guy I kind of like... :] Well, he's cute and veryveryvery tall and funny. Asshole covered me in muck during a photo scavenger hunt. And just posted something on my wall.
So I'm going to go smile like an idiot. :]

Love you guys.
Fill me in on what I missed in your lives.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Miss you (again).

I'm heading out.
You won't see me until Friday.

I'm down to 158.6 today. Yay.
Gotta push through this goddamn fucking plateau of the 150s.



If I come home lighter, it will be a miracle. I hate camp food, I feel like people are constantly pushing it on you.



Love you guys. I'll think of you and write in my journal every day.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Journal Entries

June 22, 2010

Didn't do well today. Sorry guys (the reason I say guys is because this is all going you-know-where). Had a lot of food in the car, here, you know. Going to try for less tomorrow. Lots of water. We're going tubing!
Even though sometimes I feel like I'm nothing like them, we always have moments were, how could we NOT be a happy family?
Love you guys.
See you Friday.

(also June 22: a half-finished drawing inspired by shark-talk (my cousins are petrified of them). My camera is out of battery power, otherwise I would post it.

June 24, 2010

Sorry I didn't write yesterday, guys. I was wiped out from tubing. :]
Watched the DVD of the play yesterday. Hot damn I'm fat. Going to check SAT scores. Eek.
(this part I just wrote in.. Forgive me.)
I got a 2000! Much better. I dunno if I want to try again.
Jesus I am so fat right now. I was even fatter last summer. I can tell from the family/cousin photos we took last summer. Eep.

June 26, 2010 (today)

I didn't lose any weight.
And I'm not fasting today. I'm starting ABC over. I have 152 calories left today, and now I must go shopping. Love you.



---


I'm considering using this journal-to-Blogger format for when I'm away at camp, what do you guys think? That way I actually remember what I wanted to say to you all. :]
Love you guys. I hit 80 followers, yay! :] I loved all your comments on my vegan-rant, and Heather's and Kelly's especially struck me, because those are exactly the kinds of vegans I love; the ones who don't judge others based on what they eat. Kelly even cooks meat for her husband. Like damn, can't we all be just as non-judgmental?


Ah, who am I kidding. I'm judgmental as fuck, and probably not going to change.

I really need to get ready now though, I love you guys.

{3

Friday, June 25, 2010

Miss me?

I missed you. :]


The good news is I went shopping today. :]
The bad news is I'm still fat. Possible fatTER :[
And exhausted.

I know I know I know I promised you guys a HUUUUUGE post with all my rantings and musings from my journal. I'm not going to lie I didn't get as much chance to write as I would've liked.

But I will post all that (tomorrow).
Because right now I need some fucking sleep.
I was up until like 12:30 in the morning watching Rent with my adorable little cousin (I say little because she's so cute (and TINY, I'm jealous), but she's going to be a freshman next year. How fast they grow), and then I was awake at 7:30 when my other cousin came in and jumped on the beds we were sleeping on. Eee.


I will post all of it tomorrow, and I will be fasting tomorrow. If anyone would like to join me, feel free! :]

Tell me what's been going on in all your lives right now, give me a list if you wish, or write me giant paragraphs. I'm sorry, I just can't handle the beautiful backlog of Blogger posts that you guys have most certainly dreamed (dreamt?) up, even though I'm sure each and every single one of them is absolutely positively amazing. What can I say, I'm a terrible person.

So, tell me every tiny little detail in a comment (because you know I love them, and you!)- list or paragraph form, I don't care!

Love you all. :]

{3 (the reason it's a { instead of the pointy sideways V is because Blogger is an asshole, telling me I'm making an HTML error. Puck you Blogger, Puck you.)

Monday, June 21, 2010

Vegan Propaganda. (Holy shit this is a long post, I'm sorry.)

I realize this is my second shitty post of the day. Sorry. I need to vent this out.





Now, I respect you if you're Christian, Muslim, vegan, vegetarian, black, white, green, whatever. I respect you for being strong enough to wake up each morning and keep going, even though sometimes life is just really not fucking worth it. I respect you for holding strong to your convictions, even though there are always going to be people who disagree with you.


I will not respect you if you, like the authors of the "New York Times Bestseller" Skinny Bitch, are a complete fucking moron with no real credentials and shitty, conflicting information in your "bestseller". I will not respect you if you insult me for holding my own personal beliefs.


My dad purchased this book for me a few years back, telling me that a lot of it was bullshit vegan propaganda (when I use the term 'vegan propaganda', I'm referring to their falsely certified sources, their blatant product placement, and their overall holier-than-thou vegan attitude. Even if I'm not vegan, you should respect me for my personal choices, not insult me because of them).

And it is. It is a bunch of bullshit written by two absolute idiots.

In the book, readers are expected to be "shocked" into a vegan lifestyle, making (and I quote from the back cover) "intelligent and educated decisions about food".

In the book, these two idiots- excuse me, authors, tell us that milk contains radioactive ingredients.
No shit, Sherlock! Were you aware that your body is composed of nuclear materials?!? Radioactive materials reside in every single part of our lives- every day we are bombarded by alpha, beta, and gamma particles. All are radioactive.

They also make the claim that negative emotions can cause cancer. And death.
Okay, girls. Sure.

Not only that, but any and all pills or medicines we take are completely unnecessary.
So, lovely authors, pray tell, do you expect me to recover from cancer by happiness and joy alone? I bet the millions who have died from cancer would beg to differ.

And alright, I suppose that physically we aren't capable of hunting down deer with our bare hands. This is why we have developed noggins that allow us to create weaponry.
The reason we have canines is to bite and tear meat. Molars are for crushing and grinding things, like plant matter. Humans were meant for an omnivore lifestyle, and our teeth prove it.

However, some people choose to not eat meat. Or any animal byproducts.
And I respect that. Everyone has the right to make their own decisions.


Like my right to complain about this dreadful book, and the right that I had to read aforementioned book.


I didn't tell you guys, but I've decided to actually start a vegetarian lifestyle. I went for about a week. Had pepperoni pizza (I told you, my eating has been terrible). Felt disgusting afterward.
Had turkey. Felt less disgusting, but still moderately disgusting.
So that's that. The last time I had meat was Saturday evening, I believe. The turkey.
The thought of eating the hamburger cooked lovingly by my father on our new grill disgusted me Sunday evening. So I ate.... something else instead.




Today did not end so well.
I wasn't truly anywhere close to 500. I can't lie to anyone.
So I'll continue tomorrow. With Day 2: 500.


I'm not going to bring my computer with me.
Didn't I tell you? I'm leaving for my cousin's house tomorrow. It's a few states away.
Sorry, I'm kind of... Out of it. Been bingeing for approximately 3 weeks now. Feel like shit.

Anyway, I'm not bringing my computer. But I'll write the progress of my days down in my journal. And I promise you guys that I'll post one big long post of what I wrote. Maybe I'll cut the less important things down a bit, but I'll still let you know.
Sorry for disappearing. Sorry for disappearing again.
Still need to pack.
I'll miss you all.
Maybe you'll miss me.
I dunno.
Sorry this post is so long.
I wonder if people really would miss me if I completely disappeared. Not like, dead. But just gone.

I love you.

Well, you are the one, the one that lies close to me.




Whispers, "Hello, I miss you quite terribly."

And I do miss you all quite terribly. I apologize for not keeping up with you all lately, I've been trying to comment as much as I can. I've thought about posting.
But nothing really comes to mind now.

I'm doing the ABC Diet with Kate Lunacy and some others.
Hence the lovely picture.


Today is Day 1: 500



Today has not started so well.







But I'm done for the rest of the day, after my chocolate cake and barbecue potato chips.

I'm also officially CPR/AED certified right now. Cooool.
It turns out, the girl who I thought I was going to be with for the summer I am not going to be with. Instead, I get to be with a gorgeous, skinny girl, who seems kind of bitchy and has amazingly perfect natural red ringlets. Did I mention she's so fucking pretty? And skinny?
Not fair.



I might do my eight minute water ritual after I take a shower.
Jesus, I smell.
Haven't showered since Saturday night, was being CPR/AED/Heimlich Maneuver (now called Five-and-Five, apparently people were suing the Heimlich name when people died...) trained. So if you have a heart attack... I can save you. Maybe.

Anyway, I love you guys. I feel bad constantly pestering you with the minutiae of my life. Nothing really goes on. Except things in my head.
Oh well.
<3

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

It's apparently my choice.

I wasn't going to blog today.

I wasn't.
Mostly due to the fact that I ate horribly, and am attempting to properly fast tomorrow.
Key word: attempting.


But now I am. Because I had to tell you guys about something a friend said today that really fucking pissed me off.


Four of us were sitting at this bagel place in between exams, eating and such (I only had coffee with milk and sugar. But that's beside the point). It was me and my friends B, M, and L.
We're all joking around and M starts making fun of B for being socially awkward, etc. I laugh and say, "Well, I'm socially awkward too!"
Here's my favorite line.
B says to me, "Yeah but you're socially awkward because you CHOOSE to be, I just naturally am."

Excuse me. What?
Okay, wait, I get it. I'm not socially awkward because I'm incredibly self-conscious, and have at least one eating disorder, maybe a personality disorder, and am generally fucked up mentally.
I'm socially awkward because I CHOOSE TO BE.


It all makes sense now.








(If you didn't catch the blatant sarcasm inherent in that little rant, go back and read it again. Dude, I just used the word "inherent" in a sentence. XD)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Third post of the day. Sorry.

Had a little fuck-up bingey thing.


Not stuffed.
But comfortable.


Shit, I don't want to be comfortable.
I want to wake up, stomach grumbling, have some goddamn tea, and not eat.


Everything goes to shit after 8 p.m.
Now that it boils down to it, I'm kicking myself for the peanut butter. Hard.


I'm at 440 calories liquid... Add the peanut butter on and you get 640. Which means I can't really have my soup.
Well, I could.
But do I want to? I'll just have some more 10-calorie-per-cup Diet V8 Splash.

I'm counting the iced green tea from Starbucks this morning as zero, because I can't seem to find a calorie count for it unsweetened (the one on the website is 80 calories, sweetened). Yeah, I drank unsweetened ta this morning.
Surprisingly not that bad.


I realize this is my second post of the day, and it's not quite interesting. Hmm...

Interesting Factoid of the Day
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When the human body is dehydrated, the thirst mechanism shuts off.

Mysteries of Life

Life Mystery of the Day:
Skinny people in oversize clothing look even skinnier. Fat people in oversize clothing look even fatter.


I'm doing well today.


Okay, can't lie to you guys, as usual.
I cheated on my liquid fast, had two spoonfuls of crunchy peanut butter.
I have my reasons. They aren't good reasons, mind you. But they're reasons.


Still feel like shit for it anyway.

Thank you guys for your lovely comments and luck-wishes. It's pretty much impossible to put into words how much I appreciate all the support that comes from you guys. <3

Monday, June 14, 2010

I binged today.
Unacceptable.

Liquid fasting tomorrow until Sunday (hopefully... I have a dance recital Saturday. May be forced to eat something).

Ah screw it, I'm liquid fasting until Sunday.



It's time to stop being a fucking fatass. I feel disgusting.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Hi.

I know I disappeared without warning.
Sorry.

I missed you guys.


I went away for a bit.
Worked a bit.
Hauled some picnic tables a bit.
Tried not to worry about my weight a bit.
Failed a bit.
Didn't work out one bit.
Met my coworkers a bit.
Washed dishes a bit.
Ate a bit.


Scratch that.
Ate a LOT.
I'm scared to weight myself right now... Scaredscared, especially since I just had 8 Le Petit Écolier cookies (1040 calories, for all of those. Can we all say CHARLIE IS DISGUSTING). And some chips.
And the non-diet Snapple that I had while working.


Yep.
It started out a good day, and went downdowndownhill.

Wow, I got two new followers over the time I was gone. Hi! -waves-
Maybe I should leave you all more often?


Nahhh. :]


Love you guys. Stay wonderful.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Monkey see, monkey do.

More like fatass eat.



Blech.
I haven't been sticking to my plan, I haven't been working out, I hurt my back so now I CAN'T work out (pulled some muscle in between my ribs- I can barely fucking breathe. I know I'm a pansy ass, but still).
I'm at like 157, 158 right now. Probably 159 after the M&Ms I ate. And the chicken.
What happened to being a vegetarian, Charlie?!?


I had a kind of awesome experience, which is why I'm blogging right now. See, I had been trying to make myself do better, so I told myself I couldn't blog until I finished 2 days of fasting (it was one, but now it's going to be two). I've been trying to comment everyone, but no blogging, no telling you guys about myself, no being the attention whore I am...
So I was hanging after school with my friend B, and we were wandering, waiting for my dad to pick us up (her car is broken and I don't have my license). We wandered to a hallway where my gorgeous amazing beautiful Arab friend was hanging with some guys, including C (I'll remind you in case you don't remember, he's the guy I was friends with, got in a fight with after he got his nasty girlfriend, made him mad after they broke up, but now we're cool). So B and I are talking with everyone, one of the guys decides he wants a tour of the girls' bathroom (of course). And C goes, "Charlie- wait, no, B. Come get a hug."
So of course, being myself, I cried out in cheerful indignation, "Oh, C, I see how it is. Asshole! What about me, huh?" He laughed, and said, "Come on, Charlie. Gimme a hug."
For a few minutes, I fake pouted and gave him joking dirty looks, until I finally held my arms out. "Okayy, fine!"
We stood a few feet away from each other for a few seconds. "Charlie, this is how it works. You gotta come to me."
I burst out laughing; this kid is pretty much me. I love him for that.
So I glare at him, and inch closer, and reach around him to give him one of those little awkward pat-on-the-back hugs.

And for five, maybe ten seconds, he doesn't even move to put his arms around me.
All the while, I'm thinking, "Jackassjackassjackassjustfuckinghugme."
And then he actually hugged me.
A legitimate hug, that felt safe and secure and tight.
Kind of like my va-

Never mind. XD
I'm probably the only one that found that funny. I have the sense of humor of an eighth grade boy, I know.
And for the few seconds that the hug lasted, I wasn't thinking about how he could feel my back fat or that all he was feeling was a layer of pudge over the bones.

It was our first actual physical contact (besides me hitting him a couple of times) since we got in our fight last year.
And actually, may have been the first time I've ever hugged him.


I feel bad dedicating an entire post to this, to bore you guys (whoever is actually paying attention to my rambling long enough to read this) with something like this.
But I can't gush to my real-life friends about this; they don't understand what it means to me to actually have friends, they don't really understand my issues with human contact.

Because you guys know the real me.
And now I'm going to get all sappy and shit, because you know, it was my last day of junior year today, and now I'm a fucking senior, and my whole goddamn life is ahead of me, and I am fucking scared shitless.

But hell if I'm going to be fat the rest of my life.
Which brings me to my next topic. Five day fast, starting tomorrow. Tomorrow and Friday are going to be liquid-fast, to try and ease into it (since I can't exercise right now, I can't keep consuming copious amounts of food and expecting to just stabilize). And then Saturday through Monday will be zero-calorie.

I need a shower now, because bedtime is soonish. But I love you guys.

Things I need to get around to doing:
1. The Beautiful Blogger Award! I already have a bunch of things in mind, but I haven't got time right now!
2. Your amazing comments- I need need NEED to respond to some of them, if not all.
I feel so awful when I don't, like you guys think I'm ignoring you. I swear I'm not!

I love you all so dearly. I don't know what I'd do without you. :]