Sunday, June 27, 2010

Miss you (again).

I'm heading out.
You won't see me until Friday.

I'm down to 158.6 today. Yay.
Gotta push through this goddamn fucking plateau of the 150s.

If I come home lighter, it will be a miracle. I hate camp food, I feel like people are constantly pushing it on you.

Love you guys. I'll think of you and write in my journal every day.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Journal Entries

June 22, 2010

Didn't do well today. Sorry guys (the reason I say guys is because this is all going you-know-where). Had a lot of food in the car, here, you know. Going to try for less tomorrow. Lots of water. We're going tubing!
Even though sometimes I feel like I'm nothing like them, we always have moments were, how could we NOT be a happy family?
Love you guys.
See you Friday.

(also June 22: a half-finished drawing inspired by shark-talk (my cousins are petrified of them). My camera is out of battery power, otherwise I would post it.

June 24, 2010

Sorry I didn't write yesterday, guys. I was wiped out from tubing. :]
Watched the DVD of the play yesterday. Hot damn I'm fat. Going to check SAT scores. Eek.
(this part I just wrote in.. Forgive me.)
I got a 2000! Much better. I dunno if I want to try again.
Jesus I am so fat right now. I was even fatter last summer. I can tell from the family/cousin photos we took last summer. Eep.

June 26, 2010 (today)

I didn't lose any weight.
And I'm not fasting today. I'm starting ABC over. I have 152 calories left today, and now I must go shopping. Love you.


I'm considering using this journal-to-Blogger format for when I'm away at camp, what do you guys think? That way I actually remember what I wanted to say to you all. :]
Love you guys. I hit 80 followers, yay! :] I loved all your comments on my vegan-rant, and Heather's and Kelly's especially struck me, because those are exactly the kinds of vegans I love; the ones who don't judge others based on what they eat. Kelly even cooks meat for her husband. Like damn, can't we all be just as non-judgmental?

Ah, who am I kidding. I'm judgmental as fuck, and probably not going to change.

I really need to get ready now though, I love you guys.


Friday, June 25, 2010

Miss me?

I missed you. :]

The good news is I went shopping today. :]
The bad news is I'm still fat. Possible fatTER :[
And exhausted.

I know I know I know I promised you guys a HUUUUUGE post with all my rantings and musings from my journal. I'm not going to lie I didn't get as much chance to write as I would've liked.

But I will post all that (tomorrow).
Because right now I need some fucking sleep.
I was up until like 12:30 in the morning watching Rent with my adorable little cousin (I say little because she's so cute (and TINY, I'm jealous), but she's going to be a freshman next year. How fast they grow), and then I was awake at 7:30 when my other cousin came in and jumped on the beds we were sleeping on. Eee.

I will post all of it tomorrow, and I will be fasting tomorrow. If anyone would like to join me, feel free! :]

Tell me what's been going on in all your lives right now, give me a list if you wish, or write me giant paragraphs. I'm sorry, I just can't handle the beautiful backlog of Blogger posts that you guys have most certainly dreamed (dreamt?) up, even though I'm sure each and every single one of them is absolutely positively amazing. What can I say, I'm a terrible person.

So, tell me every tiny little detail in a comment (because you know I love them, and you!)- list or paragraph form, I don't care!

Love you all. :]

{3 (the reason it's a { instead of the pointy sideways V is because Blogger is an asshole, telling me I'm making an HTML error. Puck you Blogger, Puck you.)

Monday, June 21, 2010

Vegan Propaganda. (Holy shit this is a long post, I'm sorry.)

I realize this is my second shitty post of the day. Sorry. I need to vent this out.

Now, I respect you if you're Christian, Muslim, vegan, vegetarian, black, white, green, whatever. I respect you for being strong enough to wake up each morning and keep going, even though sometimes life is just really not fucking worth it. I respect you for holding strong to your convictions, even though there are always going to be people who disagree with you.

I will not respect you if you, like the authors of the "New York Times Bestseller" Skinny Bitch, are a complete fucking moron with no real credentials and shitty, conflicting information in your "bestseller". I will not respect you if you insult me for holding my own personal beliefs.

My dad purchased this book for me a few years back, telling me that a lot of it was bullshit vegan propaganda (when I use the term 'vegan propaganda', I'm referring to their falsely certified sources, their blatant product placement, and their overall holier-than-thou vegan attitude. Even if I'm not vegan, you should respect me for my personal choices, not insult me because of them).

And it is. It is a bunch of bullshit written by two absolute idiots.

In the book, readers are expected to be "shocked" into a vegan lifestyle, making (and I quote from the back cover) "intelligent and educated decisions about food".

In the book, these two idiots- excuse me, authors, tell us that milk contains radioactive ingredients.
No shit, Sherlock! Were you aware that your body is composed of nuclear materials?!? Radioactive materials reside in every single part of our lives- every day we are bombarded by alpha, beta, and gamma particles. All are radioactive.

They also make the claim that negative emotions can cause cancer. And death.
Okay, girls. Sure.

Not only that, but any and all pills or medicines we take are completely unnecessary.
So, lovely authors, pray tell, do you expect me to recover from cancer by happiness and joy alone? I bet the millions who have died from cancer would beg to differ.

And alright, I suppose that physically we aren't capable of hunting down deer with our bare hands. This is why we have developed noggins that allow us to create weaponry.
The reason we have canines is to bite and tear meat. Molars are for crushing and grinding things, like plant matter. Humans were meant for an omnivore lifestyle, and our teeth prove it.

However, some people choose to not eat meat. Or any animal byproducts.
And I respect that. Everyone has the right to make their own decisions.

Like my right to complain about this dreadful book, and the right that I had to read aforementioned book.

I didn't tell you guys, but I've decided to actually start a vegetarian lifestyle. I went for about a week. Had pepperoni pizza (I told you, my eating has been terrible). Felt disgusting afterward.
Had turkey. Felt less disgusting, but still moderately disgusting.
So that's that. The last time I had meat was Saturday evening, I believe. The turkey.
The thought of eating the hamburger cooked lovingly by my father on our new grill disgusted me Sunday evening. So I ate.... something else instead.

Today did not end so well.
I wasn't truly anywhere close to 500. I can't lie to anyone.
So I'll continue tomorrow. With Day 2: 500.

I'm not going to bring my computer with me.
Didn't I tell you? I'm leaving for my cousin's house tomorrow. It's a few states away.
Sorry, I'm kind of... Out of it. Been bingeing for approximately 3 weeks now. Feel like shit.

Anyway, I'm not bringing my computer. But I'll write the progress of my days down in my journal. And I promise you guys that I'll post one big long post of what I wrote. Maybe I'll cut the less important things down a bit, but I'll still let you know.
Sorry for disappearing. Sorry for disappearing again.
Still need to pack.
I'll miss you all.
Maybe you'll miss me.
I dunno.
Sorry this post is so long.
I wonder if people really would miss me if I completely disappeared. Not like, dead. But just gone.

I love you.

Well, you are the one, the one that lies close to me.

Whispers, "Hello, I miss you quite terribly."

And I do miss you all quite terribly. I apologize for not keeping up with you all lately, I've been trying to comment as much as I can. I've thought about posting.
But nothing really comes to mind now.

I'm doing the ABC Diet with Kate Lunacy and some others.
Hence the lovely picture.

Today is Day 1: 500

Today has not started so well.

But I'm done for the rest of the day, after my chocolate cake and barbecue potato chips.

I'm also officially CPR/AED certified right now. Cooool.
It turns out, the girl who I thought I was going to be with for the summer I am not going to be with. Instead, I get to be with a gorgeous, skinny girl, who seems kind of bitchy and has amazingly perfect natural red ringlets. Did I mention she's so fucking pretty? And skinny?
Not fair.

I might do my eight minute water ritual after I take a shower.
Jesus, I smell.
Haven't showered since Saturday night, was being CPR/AED/Heimlich Maneuver (now called Five-and-Five, apparently people were suing the Heimlich name when people died...) trained. So if you have a heart attack... I can save you. Maybe.

Anyway, I love you guys. I feel bad constantly pestering you with the minutiae of my life. Nothing really goes on. Except things in my head.
Oh well.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

It's apparently my choice.

I wasn't going to blog today.

I wasn't.
Mostly due to the fact that I ate horribly, and am attempting to properly fast tomorrow.
Key word: attempting.

But now I am. Because I had to tell you guys about something a friend said today that really fucking pissed me off.

Four of us were sitting at this bagel place in between exams, eating and such (I only had coffee with milk and sugar. But that's beside the point). It was me and my friends B, M, and L.
We're all joking around and M starts making fun of B for being socially awkward, etc. I laugh and say, "Well, I'm socially awkward too!"
Here's my favorite line.
B says to me, "Yeah but you're socially awkward because you CHOOSE to be, I just naturally am."

Excuse me. What?
Okay, wait, I get it. I'm not socially awkward because I'm incredibly self-conscious, and have at least one eating disorder, maybe a personality disorder, and am generally fucked up mentally.
I'm socially awkward because I CHOOSE TO BE.

It all makes sense now.

(If you didn't catch the blatant sarcasm inherent in that little rant, go back and read it again. Dude, I just used the word "inherent" in a sentence. XD)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Third post of the day. Sorry.

Had a little fuck-up bingey thing.

Not stuffed.
But comfortable.

Shit, I don't want to be comfortable.
I want to wake up, stomach grumbling, have some goddamn tea, and not eat.

Everything goes to shit after 8 p.m.
Now that it boils down to it, I'm kicking myself for the peanut butter. Hard.

I'm at 440 calories liquid... Add the peanut butter on and you get 640. Which means I can't really have my soup.
Well, I could.
But do I want to? I'll just have some more 10-calorie-per-cup Diet V8 Splash.

I'm counting the iced green tea from Starbucks this morning as zero, because I can't seem to find a calorie count for it unsweetened (the one on the website is 80 calories, sweetened). Yeah, I drank unsweetened ta this morning.
Surprisingly not that bad.

I realize this is my second post of the day, and it's not quite interesting. Hmm...

Interesting Factoid of the Day
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When the human body is dehydrated, the thirst mechanism shuts off.

Mysteries of Life

Life Mystery of the Day:
Skinny people in oversize clothing look even skinnier. Fat people in oversize clothing look even fatter.

I'm doing well today.

Okay, can't lie to you guys, as usual.
I cheated on my liquid fast, had two spoonfuls of crunchy peanut butter.
I have my reasons. They aren't good reasons, mind you. But they're reasons.

Still feel like shit for it anyway.

Thank you guys for your lovely comments and luck-wishes. It's pretty much impossible to put into words how much I appreciate all the support that comes from you guys. <3

Monday, June 14, 2010

I binged today.

Liquid fasting tomorrow until Sunday (hopefully... I have a dance recital Saturday. May be forced to eat something).

Ah screw it, I'm liquid fasting until Sunday.

It's time to stop being a fucking fatass. I feel disgusting.

Sunday, June 13, 2010


I know I disappeared without warning.

I missed you guys.

I went away for a bit.
Worked a bit.
Hauled some picnic tables a bit.
Tried not to worry about my weight a bit.
Failed a bit.
Didn't work out one bit.
Met my coworkers a bit.
Washed dishes a bit.
Ate a bit.

Scratch that.
Ate a LOT.
I'm scared to weight myself right now... Scaredscared, especially since I just had 8 Le Petit Écolier cookies (1040 calories, for all of those. Can we all say CHARLIE IS DISGUSTING). And some chips.
And the non-diet Snapple that I had while working.

It started out a good day, and went downdowndownhill.

Wow, I got two new followers over the time I was gone. Hi! -waves-
Maybe I should leave you all more often?

Nahhh. :]

Love you guys. Stay wonderful.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Monkey see, monkey do.

More like fatass eat.

I haven't been sticking to my plan, I haven't been working out, I hurt my back so now I CAN'T work out (pulled some muscle in between my ribs- I can barely fucking breathe. I know I'm a pansy ass, but still).
I'm at like 157, 158 right now. Probably 159 after the M&Ms I ate. And the chicken.
What happened to being a vegetarian, Charlie?!?

I had a kind of awesome experience, which is why I'm blogging right now. See, I had been trying to make myself do better, so I told myself I couldn't blog until I finished 2 days of fasting (it was one, but now it's going to be two). I've been trying to comment everyone, but no blogging, no telling you guys about myself, no being the attention whore I am...
So I was hanging after school with my friend B, and we were wandering, waiting for my dad to pick us up (her car is broken and I don't have my license). We wandered to a hallway where my gorgeous amazing beautiful Arab friend was hanging with some guys, including C (I'll remind you in case you don't remember, he's the guy I was friends with, got in a fight with after he got his nasty girlfriend, made him mad after they broke up, but now we're cool). So B and I are talking with everyone, one of the guys decides he wants a tour of the girls' bathroom (of course). And C goes, "Charlie- wait, no, B. Come get a hug."
So of course, being myself, I cried out in cheerful indignation, "Oh, C, I see how it is. Asshole! What about me, huh?" He laughed, and said, "Come on, Charlie. Gimme a hug."
For a few minutes, I fake pouted and gave him joking dirty looks, until I finally held my arms out. "Okayy, fine!"
We stood a few feet away from each other for a few seconds. "Charlie, this is how it works. You gotta come to me."
I burst out laughing; this kid is pretty much me. I love him for that.
So I glare at him, and inch closer, and reach around him to give him one of those little awkward pat-on-the-back hugs.

And for five, maybe ten seconds, he doesn't even move to put his arms around me.
All the while, I'm thinking, "Jackassjackassjackassjustfuckinghugme."
And then he actually hugged me.
A legitimate hug, that felt safe and secure and tight.
Kind of like my va-

Never mind. XD
I'm probably the only one that found that funny. I have the sense of humor of an eighth grade boy, I know.
And for the few seconds that the hug lasted, I wasn't thinking about how he could feel my back fat or that all he was feeling was a layer of pudge over the bones.

It was our first actual physical contact (besides me hitting him a couple of times) since we got in our fight last year.
And actually, may have been the first time I've ever hugged him.

I feel bad dedicating an entire post to this, to bore you guys (whoever is actually paying attention to my rambling long enough to read this) with something like this.
But I can't gush to my real-life friends about this; they don't understand what it means to me to actually have friends, they don't really understand my issues with human contact.

Because you guys know the real me.
And now I'm going to get all sappy and shit, because you know, it was my last day of junior year today, and now I'm a fucking senior, and my whole goddamn life is ahead of me, and I am fucking scared shitless.

But hell if I'm going to be fat the rest of my life.
Which brings me to my next topic. Five day fast, starting tomorrow. Tomorrow and Friday are going to be liquid-fast, to try and ease into it (since I can't exercise right now, I can't keep consuming copious amounts of food and expecting to just stabilize). And then Saturday through Monday will be zero-calorie.

I need a shower now, because bedtime is soonish. But I love you guys.

Things I need to get around to doing:
1. The Beautiful Blogger Award! I already have a bunch of things in mind, but I haven't got time right now!
2. Your amazing comments- I need need NEED to respond to some of them, if not all.
I feel so awful when I don't, like you guys think I'm ignoring you. I swear I'm not!

I love you all so dearly. I don't know what I'd do without you. :]

Monday, June 7, 2010

Today was:

1. Not so great.
2. Better than yesterday.
3. Full of girl drama.
4. Surprisingly joyful.

So despite the fact that I have eaten quite a bit today, not following my plan, today was happy.

Jesus, stop making me happy, people! Happy = binge = unhappy = binge more = get pissed = even more unhappy.

Which all eventually leads back to starving, but there are so many binge periods in between.
I need to starve more.
Eat less.
Which is why tomorrow is a liquid fast day (it's true- it's on my schedule. So I fudged dinner and switched some things around. It's now liquid fast).
For all intents and purposes, Tootsie Pops are considered liquid. I get one at lunch to go with my little carton of chocolate milk, and one for after dinner (which will consist of V8 Light, but not the 10 calorie kind, which kills me. It is yummy, though).

There's this girl, that I've become really close to all of a sudden. She's the really pretty, confident one who is just a teeny bit smaller than me, whom I adore.
A few of her friends, who now sit at our lunch table, have been getting on her case for liking C (the guy I pissed off, but am now friends with, who dated a nasty skank and is still completely heartbroken over it). Then they started talking about the rest of our table. Not cool girls, not cool at all. We aren't in middle school anymore.
She thinks something is going on my C and his ex (plausible. There's always something going on with them), and since I've had experiences with him, we were talking about it as she drove me home (still don't have my license... I know. I'm a loser. Took Driver's Ed last summer, have had my permit over a year now...), and I actually talked to her on the phone.
Most people don't realize what a big deal this is because I hatehateHATE talking on the phone. I've never liked it. I don't like calling people, I don't like talking on the phone with people, it just pisses me off.
But I actually had an enjoyable conversation with her.

She is honestly the nicest person I've ever met.
I wanna be like her...

Charlie signing off. I will get to those beautiful comments soonish, because there are things I want to respond to, but I have to make sure my hair looks nice for the second to last day of school. Love you all!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Project: Rant

Have you guys heard of this website?
You leave them rants, and the good ones get made into videos!

It's awesome, I'm totally addicted.

Also, I'm fat. My plan is typed up, as are the rules. The next three weeks are entirely planned, food- and exercise-wise.
I'm going to start weighing myself weekly. Day-weighs are fucking stressful. I need less stress, as my final exams begin Thursday (with Psychology- my teacher will most likely have us taking notes until the last day, Wednesday). Luckily I only have two finals, but the rest of my exams are state exams. Ugh. I will fail Chemistry, our fucking teacher has taught us NOTHING. We spent three months learning a form of electron configuration that isn't even on the state test, AND the form that is on the state test is in the reference tables!!!

Fuck that. I know I'm going to fail.

So, as all my hard work from the past two weeks was thrown out the window in TWO FUCKING DAYS, I start a new three-week adventure, in an attempt to lose over 10 pounds in 14 days. Haha, good joke, Charlie.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

I'm bingeing tonight.

Yep. I broke my fast BEFORE Quidditch, could not run very much AFTER Quidditch.

And I'm bingeing tonight.
And as I'm bingeing, I'm making a new fucking plan.

And maybe I'll actually print this one out and stick to it.

Jesus, I'm such a fucking failure.

Thank you for your lovely comments, and thank you Red for the award! I promise, I'll do that soon enough, I swear it, I swear it.

I have nothing more to say about my despicable eating habits, other than after 11:59 p.m. tonight, they will be no longer.

Things I Hate About My Body
1. My stomach
2. My jiggly thighs
3. My too big arms
4. My flabby biceps
5. My chubby toes
6. My pudgy fingers
7. My scaly elbows
8. My pizza face
9. The fact that I just called my face a pizza face, even though it isn't for the most part (which really isn't something about my body, but it needed to be said)
10. The backs of my knees (which don't have a technical name, but are, as the rest of me is, FAT)
11. My tiny hands
12. My smelly feet
13. My too-small eyes
14. My double chin
15. My chunky cheeks
16. My flat ass
17. My shrinking boobs
18. My too-far-apart boobs
19. My back fat
20. My grubby neck

I haven't made a list in awhile. Feels good.

Friday, June 4, 2010

I forgot to thank everyone for the beautiful comments today- what a jackass I am.
So thank you. :] I love you all very very much.

It's time to start something new.
Something legitimate.

No, it's not another diet or exercise plan.
Kind of. Well. Maybe.

I will eat (not tomorrow, because tomorrow is a fast day!), but when I eat, before I eat, I'm going to write down exactly what I'm eating and why. So there will be no senseless bingeing.
I need to eat less shit, I really do.

So that's my new plan, Stan. Because I don't feel good when I eat food.

Food is supposed to be delicious, life-giving. But when I eat, all I feel is disgust and horror.

That's why I usually consume the most when I'm reading or watching T.V.

I'll add that to my new plan as well. No eating while distracted. Only focus is on the food.

I'm off to bed, I'm fucking exhausted. Love you guys.
I should've stayed upstairs.
I should've stayed upstairs.

And now I feel like shit because I binged the hell out of an hour.

Disgusting. Fat.

Fasting tomorrow.
No fucking breakfast.
No fucking lunch.
No fucking dinner.
And I will run my fucking ass to the ground, because this is so fucking unacceptable.


Please excuse my French.
Oh, wait, I don't speak French anymore.

But holymotherfuckingshit.

I woke up this morning, feeling crappy as I usually do the day after a bad day.
The scale showed 155.0, and I wanted to cry. I got it down to 154.8 after peeing and such, but I still wanted to cry- it was higher than yesterday's weight!
So I had water for breakfast.
A chocolate milk and a Tootsie Pop for lunch (delicious).
And I'm about to go c&s my dinner of a turkey sandwich and Cheetos because, after my run, I am

(on my scale. My parents' scale claims 151.6)


But I have to eat something tomorrow.
Fuck me, I'll eat breakfast.
But after I take the SAT (for the second time), there will be no more eating. I will go buy my green-striped tube socks, go for a run, take a shower, do my hair pretty (but not like I tried), and go play some motherfuckinggoddamn Quidditch.

Because that's what 153.6 pound badasses do.

Now excuse me while I go masticate and expectorate my dinner.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I don't know.

I don't know I don't know I don't know.

It's my answer to everything lately.

Charlie, why did you eat potato chips, a huge lollipop, a Tootsie pop, a candy bar, pretzels, and a croissant today, along with the planned banana and yogurt? Why not just the banana and yogurt?

I don't know.

Charlie, why don't you get off your fat ass and go for a run?

I don't know.

Charlie, why don't you have a boyfriend, why do none of your friends like you?

I don't-- Oh.

Yes, sweetheart. It's because you're fat. And every time you shove that disgusting food in your mouth, you get even fatter. Listen to me, I'm your body. Listen to what I'm telling you. There's a reason I make you sick to your stomach when you eat junk food, there's a reason it cramps you up and gives you diarrhea. It's disgusting, isn't it? That's me attempting to show you WHAT you're putting in, because all you're putting in is crap. If you would at least put in some effort, maybe I could be convinced to drop a few of your pounds. MAYBE. But I see no effort. So maybe I'll give you a few more. That'll motivate you, huh? If you don't do exactly as I say, you'll never get to your goal weight. I don't care that you were at 154.4 this morning- IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE WORKING HARD ENOUGH. You need to work harder, especially since you'll still be 154 tomorrow after all you ate today! Now go get your fat ass out for a run, then do your fucking paper that was due three weeks ago. You're such a lazy fatass, and I hate you.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I couldn't think of a decent title.

So fuck that.

I had things to say. And here they are, as I remember them.

Woke up at 155.8 today. Going to go to bed at 155.6 (woo?).
If I'm not 154 tomorrow, I might scream.

So 154 for Thursday, that leaves 153 (!!!) for Friday, and 152 for Saturday, if things continue to go according to plan. If things keep going as well as they are, I won't be 145 by June 20th.
I'd be 136. Which is, in fact, considerably better.
But, being the failure-whore that I am, I think I'm going to make my new goal 140 by June 20th, which gives me four "cheat" days (I hate the word cheat, it makes things sound so cheap), to not lose anything (OR GAIN ANYTHING, YOU FAT WHORE).

Needless to say, I don't plan on using those days.

For you Muggles who asked. :]
That's a great guide for playing Quidditch as a Muggle to avoid any excessive attention. :] Feel free to start your own Quidditch teams. :]

Self-worth is going downhill again.
Went for my run today after my mom came home. Came back tired, out of breath, cramping, slightly dizzy and disoriented. Not a good day for running- overcast and HOT.
"Well, that was fast!"
Yeah, thanks, Mom. Just fucking tell me I was out for a long time as opposed to fifteen minutes and we'll all get along easier. Had a mini-croissant (yeah, I know, no need to tell me) and a banana when I got home. I think I'll have those for breakfast tomorrow. The banana is for the potassium- I'm desperate to get rid of the cramp, even if it takes high-calorie fruit. I've been running through it, but it's beginning to feel like one of those chronic illnesses that people get used to. I don't like getting used to pain.

I got a nasty comment today from a nasty girl. I was getting a ride home with two of my friends who go to this exercise program. It's basically like a gym for teenagers, to help them tone up or get in shape for sports seasons. I guess it's for adults too, but I mostly hear about people my age going.
So this nasty girl, who is extremely judgmental of other people (more so than me- She called one of my oldest friends a slut for no reason. The girl has never even had a boyfriend!), she sidles up to the car window as we're getting ready to hit the pavement and looks in.
"Where are you guys going?"
I gave up shotgun for the friend who would be going to the gym, so I'm sitting in the backseat. They respond with the name of the place, and I say that one is driving me home.
And she says in this snotty voice, "Well, of course CHARLIE'S not going," and walks away.

Not everyone is born naturally skinny. Fuck you bitch. No one likes you, they think you're creepy with all those weird little voices you do.

Sorry, venting.

Scarlet; I'll get around to posting my self-portrait, I promise! I'm not sure where my camera is at the moment. Which normally would be a lie, since I always know, but this time, I honestly have no idea. :]

Katie (skinnybusiness); Yeah, I was kind of surprised with myself as well- but then, he's the one who said that if I started exercising I would be 105! If I said anything higher, he'd probably go on about "optimal weight", etc. So I figure with him, it's better to aim lower. Or higher. If that makes any sense. XD At least he doesn't know I'd really like to be 98 pounds.

I love you all. Thank you for being jealous of my mad broomstick skillz. Skillz with a "Z", 'cause I'm cool (not) like that. <3 Stay wonderful.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


Don't laugh.
I swear, I'll bite you and spit you out if you do.

I'm playing Quidditch this weekend.
The response I'm expecting is, "Wow, you're such a fucking badass playing Quidditch. I wish I could be as cool as you Charlie."

No, just kidding.
But I'm on Slytherin. So now I'm focusing on how to make this nasty green shirt look semi-decent.
I'd prefer a black shirt.

But that's just me; you know- how black is so slimming and all.

I think I'm on runner's high right now, even though I didn't run all that much. I just feel so awesome and happy and smiley. The fact that L and I talked today in class helps too. :] He's adorable. If he turns out to actually be gay, I want him as my GBF (Gay Best Friend). Like Maxxie from Skins.
Love. Him.

As I waited for a friend to take me home and watched as others worked on their shirts for Quidditch, people decided to go get food. My friend C (the guy I pissed off, that I'm friends with again, because I'm such a good fucking apologizer) says, "Charlie (actually, he said my real name), N (my friend I was waiting for), are you guys coming? You wanna go get food?"
I shook my head. Looked at my fat stomach.
But it's the first time he's said my name or spoken to me directly in months.

Maybe dinner tonight. The french bread Lean Cuisine pizza looks good. Maybe a quarter, feed the rest to the dogs?
I feel kind of dizzy, which to me is good.
I started the day off at 156.something. Came home after watermelon, and chocolate-roasted almonds (which are better than chocolate-covered, so much. Only a hint of chocolate, not overwhelming, and not overly sweet. And only 100 calories per pack!) , and a cookie (ew, I know, you don't have to remind me), weighed in at 155.something.
153.5 is so close I can almost taste it. I'm going to try for 150 by Sunday. My goals have been updated as of recently, let me try to find my original goals list, and I'll tell you what the real number is...
So I've gotten past three of my original goal weights since November.

I hugged my dad today, his remark? "You're getting skinnier!"

I know.
I haven't weighed this little since eighth grade.

"How far do you want to go, like, what's your goal?"

Uh.. 110? 115?

"Wow, you'll be REALLY skinny," he says with a worried look.

If only he knew how far I really want to go.

PollyDolly; I love you so much it can't even be described! We will be the skinny bitches that everyone's jealous of.
And I won't write him off just because of the facial hair! XD It just turns me off a teensy bit. A little bit of scruff can be sexaaayyy. :]

Dreams.and.Bones.; Aw, I'm glad I can be inspiring to someone. :] Everyone's always so inspiring to me that it's nice to return the favor! It does feel awesome to lose five pounds in five days, since I can feel that it's real and I can see it (more in my legs than in my fat blobby tire belly, but still). Thank you for your wonderfully lovely comment. <3

Heather; Dammit, I missed you! I'm glad to see you back, and I miss reading your blog too! Love you <3

1. Varsity Quidditch. It's gonna be big.
2. Skinny? Not quite. But soon.
3. Aww, I love you guys.

I don't know why, I just feel bubbly and happy right now. Not even my Skinny Annoying Friend can piss me off right now.