Monday, May 31, 2010


I miss being connected, especially to you guys. I think that's what I'll miss most when I'm at camp this summer.

I'm glad I was able to scare a few of you! :] Got your heart rate up a tad, that's good..

To answer a question, I asked the question about honesty because I am rarely honest, except with you guys, and I wanted to know how I compare! (attention whore, also)

I weigh 155.2 on my scale, and 154.4 on my parents' scale. That's four or five pounds in five days. Holy shit.
I like running. I do. My legs aren't as sore anymore, I rarely get out of breath, and I only stop running to walk when I feel like it. Or when I get.... (cue dramatic music!) a CRAMP. Jesus, I fucking hate it, I get a cramp in the exact same spot every time I go running (usually within the first five minutes). My dad thinks I stressed the muscle, wants me to take a day off.
If he had told me to take a day off three days ago, I would've said "fine".
But now?

I just feel so... Free? Is that the right word? I've always been an exercise-phobe, always hated it, always said, "I'm never going to be able to be one of those girls who runs."

Hell, look at me now, I run. Not for very long, but I'm working on it, I guess. I had been running around the lake (Saturday and Sunday) until a dog that had previously been nice snapped at me. I don't like that. So today I just ranwalked for fifteen or twenty minutes. Got a major cramp. Since I didn't go as far as I did previous days, I convinced my mom to go for a walk around the lake with me.

And, dude, I think I was flirted with by one of the guys at the camp I'm going to be working at? He's not my type, too much facial hair, but still... Or maybe he was just being stupid.
That's it. He was showing off for the skinny girl that was there. Jesus, Charlie, don't jump to fucking conclusions.
I need a shower. And I need to finish a paper that was due two weeks ago. And this entry is looooong. I want to respond to your comments, but I just don't have TIME right now! I also drew you guys a picture of myself, I'll post that later. Love you all, so much. Thanks for leaving me comments to ease my attention-whore side!

Saturday, May 29, 2010


I won't be back................

Until Monday.
I'm going to the lake this weekend with my parents, and we're staying until Monday evening.

By the way, I've lost about three pounds in the past three days. Running is my new savior. I can already feel myself getting better... Or did I tell you guys that already?

Lave me some comment love, I could really use some right now.
If you can't think of anything particularly wonderful to say (I often feel that way...), go ahead and answer this question:
When was the last time you told someone, in complete honesty, how you really felt? When was it (approximately)? What happened?

Friday, May 28, 2010

You're one in a million.

L said that to me today.

Alright, it wasn't meant the way I wish it were, but still. A girl can dream.


Okay, I guess I'll put it into context for you guys. Warning, it makes everything seem less amazing.
Everyone was talking in class, not paying attention to the teacher as usual, and he made a comment about how everyone hates our math teacher, so I laughed and said "I don't! I love him he's so cute!" (Because he is, he's like this little gay man, can't be taller than five foot. So cute.)
And L responds with a smile and, "Yeah, well, you're one in a million."

God, I'm so pathetic. Getting all worked up over that ONE LITTLE COMMENT Jesus I feel so pathetic right now. Like, what the fuck. Not to mention that after my run I went and shared fries and had two slices of pizza with a friend. NO FUCKING POINT IN RUNNING THEN, HUH?
Just for that, I'm running twice tomorrow- in the morning and in the afternoon.

Yes, Polly Dolly, I do run in the cemetery during the day- it scares me at night! But I've lived across from it my entire life, so it's not really creepy to me anyway. Besides, it's not the kid of cemetery that only has rows and rows of tombstones, it's more of a park with dead people in it. XD Like, big trees, gravel trails, a few roads, etc.
I used to legitimately stalk my crushes. The one who runs lives a few streets from me, and we went to the same elementary school. When I liked him in sixth grade, I used to make my mom drive past his house on our way home, not to mention it was the longer way!

I'm still that pathetic, I'm just not as obvious anymore.

I hope.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

"We're creatures of the underworld. We can't afford to love."

That's from Moulin Rouge, one of the best movies of all time. Give me Baz Luhrmann over James Cameron, any day.

I feel like I've been away from you guys for an age.
But it's really only been a day.

I'm trying to think of something good to say, but nothing's coming.
I'm not interesting or exciting.
Just fucked up.

So I've been working on this post for an hour.

I really have nothing to say.

I came on yesterday, to check on everyone and see how everything is going. Didn't post. Went for a run.

Came home today. Checked everything out.
Went for a run.
Went to a meeting for cheerleading (My coach, who I haven't cheered for since last year, said to me "Wow, you look great! Have you lost weight?!" Made me smile for a little bit. I'm going to be the only senior on the football cheer team, yay).
Came home.

Jesus, I'm fucking pathetic.

I've been running since yesterday (it feels like ages. But I'm already feeling better while running, after two days (pathetic), except for the awful side cramps I get. I'm working on the whole "stretching" thing, I've never really been a fan. XD

I must admit though, my running is not solely weight loss motivated. Eheheh. A guy I liked earlier this year, V, has started training for football, as always, and his running route goes straight by my house. I don't run on the street (too many people staring at my fat jiggling) so I go across the street from my house and run in the cemetery. I figure, eventually, we'll run (HAHA, RUN) into each other, right?


Well, I'm off to do... God knows what. Not eat. Eating has been moderately good these past couple of days. I finally got my period (I know, I know- too much!), and promptly lost my voracious appetite.

I'm going to sleep.
Not studying for my history test.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

So funny.

You guys know me so well. I don't know about exercise tonight. However, it's fucking hot here. Like high eighties. It's supposed to be 91 tomorrow.

The city I live has held records for snowfall-we (and by we I mean I) are not meant for this heat.

I guess today wasn't so bad so far. Had a box of orange juice for breakfast (90), had my salad, sans dressing (so pissed, 45). Came home, had my worst of the day, some sherbet (200). Currently sipping V8 Splash Diet (see below, approximately 20)
I'm going to have half a mini Lean Cuisine Pizza for dinner. Or maybe just a salad. Shit. I don't know.

Oh, my gosh, you guys I found the best thing since V8 Splash (the juice with 50 calories per cup).
I didn't even measure the shit when I poured it in, like I usually do.

So I heard some funny things today. In art, some of my friends and this other girl and I were talking about things, like we usually do, and somehow, L came into our conversation.
Apparently, people think he's gay!
And now that I think about it, it's definitely possible, although if he is, he's so deep in the fucking closet I doubt anyone would be able to get him to admit it. I don't like him anymore (lie, I kind of do... But if he ends up actually being gay, I'd feel silly), but he is a really nice guy.

Apparently, (and these are other peoples' reasons why they think he's gay) he gets really agitated when people bring up homosexuality, and doesn't talk about girls like, at all.
And (something that makes me happy, yet is possibly the strongest pointer towards his gayness), he doesn't hook up with girls like the rest of the guys do (which is surprising, since everyone was all on his cock when he came back from boarding school).

It's a mystery.

I was in Old Navy today, getting t-shirts for screen printing (what we're doing in art). As I'm perusing racks, I hear a girl say to her mom, "They don't sell thin people clothes here."


I looked down at my size large/medium/10/12 clothes.
Also wanted to bitch slap her, because some of my skinny friends shop at Old Navy (I love Old Navy, their clothes used to be really tacky, but now the clothes are actually really cute!).

Anyway, that was my day. Love you all! Tell me about your day.

Monday, May 24, 2010

I need _______________

Shit, I don't know what I need.

I've been on benders in the past, but not this bad.
I will probably weigh 161 tomorrow.
I've gained five pounds in the past two weeks WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING CHARLIE?


But I don't listen to it.
I just pick up a book to block out the voice and GORGE AND GORGE AND GORGE.
I can't liquid fast. I can't ABC. I can't Chemical Diet.
What the hell do I do?!? This hasn't happened to me recently, I have no idea how to get off this massive, two week binge.
I need help. I need help I need help I need help.
Help me.

Maybe I should go see my therapist. Talk to her about the bingeing. Maybemaybe. Oh, fuck, I couldn't do that, who am I kidding? I can't even open up to my own parents.

Okay, Charlie, even though you're pathetic for making a new plan every day, we're going to ease back into this.

Here's tomorrow's plan.

Mini-carton of OJ (90)
Salad (130)
Strawberries (45)
Tomato soup (130)
Salad (130)
Strawberries (45)

Total: 570

Eek. But at least it should keep me eating through the day and not flailing and bingeing, right?
For exercise, I'll go for a run.

Thank you for your beautiful comments. I love you all, even though I gained and lost a follower this weekend (I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. -shifty eyes- Not really. :]).
Love you guys. Stay strong and wonderful, even when I can't. I know you do.

Sunday, May 23, 2010


My good day ended in failure when my mom took me to the grocery store.

Half a medium bag of peanut butter M&Ms and half a loaf of french bread and three quarters of a Soup-At-Hand later, I realize that it's time for a new plan.

Because as much as I can blame this on hormones, I can also blame myself for being a FAT FUCK.

I've decided to go with the tried and true, true-blue method. ABC.

Fifty days, you know the drill. I'm starting the first seven off as liquid. Wish me luck. I'll throw out the rest of the M&Ms and bread tonight.

Good Day.

I decided last night to have a good day with Polly Dolly. I haven't had food since 1:30 (a.m., I stay up late...). I haven't had much of anything. I think I'm going to go refill (with water) my giant styrofoam cup that I got a Sweet Tea in at McDonald's last night (yes. I went to McDonald's. Large Sweet Tea, two hamburgers, small fries. Yeah). It's like my new best friend, so big, and keeps things so cold.

I have a grad party to go to in a few minutes, so I can't do the Beautiful Blogger Award, which a couple of people have given me, but I'll take care of that in a better post later tonight. I don't really want to go to my SAT tutor tonight. Maybe I won't.

As the number on the scale goes down, my permanent frown gets a little smaller.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Beautiful girls.

About my massive failure yesterday, that brought me up to 159.0 this morning, and my massive failure today, which was supposed to be a liquid fast day and ended up being a piece of pizza, two glasses of milk and four brownies day, I don't have much to say.
It's 2:27 and I don't plan on eating for the rest of the day.

I wanted to talk, instead, about a gorgeous friend of mine.
I've known her since we were little, but we just reconnected this year, when she came to my school. She's Arab, and so gorgeous. We're about the same size.
She's so pretty and confident and wonderful and nice, and I can't help but be jealous of how carefree and happy she is. I don't think I've met a nicer person than her. A lot of people come to my school and end up getting shut out, because our cliques have been formed since seventh grade. Most people aren't accommodating. But she came, and instantly made new friends- within weeks she was joking around like she had known us all for years.

How can I get that charisma and confidence? Is is some genetic gift? I used to be like that. I used to be able to make friends with anyone, anywhere.
When did that stop?
When did I start feeling overly insecure about myself?
Where am I headed on this road?

Thank you all for your beautiful comments on my last post, reminding me that life doesn't suck so bad. I think Mother Nature is beginning to make her monthly rounds, making me weepy. Sucks to be a girl.
It's now 3:56. I have to take a shower and go to some mass for the seniors. I'm not even Catholic.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Mentally Unstable.

This is a post that I started last night.

I just had a crying fit lasting an hour, going over and over in my head things that have been said to me, things I've realized, things that really hurt to think about. Now my eyes are puffy, my throat is sore, my nose is runny, and I'm never going to get to sleep tonight.

God, what the fuck is wrong with me?
Here's a list of what I thought about:
1. I don't fit in anywhere.
2. I can't connect with people. I don't know how.

And that's where I stopped.

It seems like whenever something brings me up, there's always more that brings me down. And I am so fucking low right now I can't even imagine how I could feel worse about myself.
And now I'm sobbing again.
Have been ever since I got home, don't let the words fool you.

I am fat. I am lazy. I am pathetic.

And maybe if I tried harder, I could get everything that I want.

Hell is a place where everyone binges.

And in heaven, we are all thin.

I ate today.
Too much.

Nothing tomorrow until dinnertime, my friend and I are going out to eat.
Liquid fasting Saturday and Sunday.

No, I will not eat any cookies that I made tomorrow.
No, I will not eat the cookies I make on Saturday.

Yes, I will get off my lazy ass and go do some fucking Pilates before this fat sinks further in.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Models Don't Eat Chocolate Cookies

I told you guys a few weeks ago about this book I was reading, "Models Don't Eat Chocolate Cookies". Well I finished it maybe two days after I got it.
It was... Really good.

This girl, Celeste, is short and chubby and addicted to Oreos. Her best friend is really skinny, plays soccer, and eventually ends up ditching her for the popular clique. Everyone at Celeste's school (except her three friends) make fun of her for being fat, calling her names like "Cow", "Wide Load", and "Supremo Grande".

And the sad thing is that kids really are that mean.
Celeste's aunt enters her in this beauty pageant for "bigger" girls called HuskyPeach. The name alone skeeves me out. XD She doesn't want to participate in this, and so she starts dieting, and starts looking good, starts wearing makeup, and people stop being mean to her, for the most part.

It's in no way Ana, but the story is really inspiring.

I weighed in at 156.2 this morning, current weight 158.2. Too much for one day, but it's better than 160.
Was going strong until lunch, got yelled at for just having chocolate milk. Basically told them to fuck off, then devoured two packs of cherry gummies (approximately 200 calories each, ew). Came home, ate (sugar-free pudding, 3 crackers, croutons), then went to sleep. Probably screwed myself over there, now all I'm going to have is more fat. Had angelfood cake and strawberries and Cool Whip for my mom's birthday, then had a Snickerdoodle, and a spoonful of peanut butter.

My estimate is around 800-900 for the day. Fuck.

I did stop myself from going back and getting more cake.
Small victorys are not as great as large ones.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


I finished my day of noming at the same weight I woke up at, 159.2.

All in all, not too terrible a day.

Let me clarify:
I didn't self-sabotage today. I did eat dinner (turkey on a hamburger roll, the good, fresh kind of deli turkey, not the nasty, processed deli turkey that's rubbery, a few bagel chips) and had a snack post-workout (a little bit of sugar-free pudding and some honey-roasted peanuts). Lunch was a carton of chocolate milk (yum) and a few raspberries. I've decided not to count chocolate milk in my Anti-Chocolate Campaign, because I don't drink it that often, and it's more milk than chocolate. Like milk chocolate is more chocolate than milk. Isn't it funny how the names are in reverse order of what they mostly contain? I think it is. :] Breakfast (and after school) was strawberry milk.

And now that that's over, let's talk about more important things!

Oh, who am I kidding. The weight's the most important thing. Since today was better than yesterday, tomorrow is going to be even better, right??
I haven't been back to ballet since my little "I'm not graceful or accurate" episode. I don't think I'll be going back this year. I like modern a lot better, it's not precision or control, even though it is. It's more feeling, and I need to feel. I need to feel and I need a release. I wish my modern class was three or four hours. I would love every minute of it.

I also worked out... If that matters. 200 calories walking/running, a little bit of strength, and a little bit of Pilates (would've been a lot of Pilates if there hadn't been a spider the size of a 50 cent coin running around on the floor of my basement. God I despise them so much).

Kristal; Well, I am a disappointment, but anything claiming to be fat-free and over 150 calories should be burned at stake. Just saying. -falls from nudge- C:

Scarlet; Thank you. C: You have no idea how much I smiled at your comment. I think I really do need to stop being so hard on myself and stop expecting myself to do the same thing over again, especially if it was something amazing. Even a little progress is better than none!

Gracile; Yeah. I hope we all find our answers. C:

Rachel; Since I read your comment, I've been trying to do that, say to myself "If I go further, I'll hate myself more. The best I can do is be good to make up for what I've done." You're right, it is hard to do, but maybe one day I'll be amazing at it! I'm happy I could make you proud for getting my job. C:

OhMyGosh; Yes, I can get in shape! (I have to... There's no living down being fat at summer camp, supposedly being a role model for younger girls) I think I'm going to liquid fast for a few days here, see what happens. If I eat, as long as it's low-cal, then whatever. I'm just going to try to go with the flow. C: And blow in the wind when I'm light enough to flow away.

Dreams.and.Bones.; Thanks for your advice, I'm definitely going to keep the tank top idea in my brain-drawer (that's where in my mind I put bits and pieces of useful information. I just made up the name brain-drawer two seconds ago, it's kind of catchy, no?) and see how bad I look come June. C:

Thank you guys for your lovely comments and for putting up with me. You're too good. <3

Monday, May 17, 2010


Is something I am extremely proficient in.

Hence my more-distended-than-usual belly and guilty conscience.

I'm about as terrified of failing as I am terrified of people. The thought of failing because I tried so hard and just wasn't good enough petrifies me.
And instead of being a normal person and working harder, I sabotage myself.

I realized this on the way to my job interview. I was nervous about the interview itself, and instead of getting ready early, I dawdled and hemmed and hawed getting ready, forcing a mad dash to make the interview on time. I think I've always figured, "Hey, I'm going to do bad anyway. What's the point of actually trying?"

This is what I've been doing a lot recently, especially where eating is concerned. I just throw in the towel after the slightest crack in my armor.

How do I stop?

I promise I'm going to try harder tomorrow.
I'm such a fucking disappointment.

Got it?

After two aching days of waiting, I was about to get in the shower.
I began the Chemical Diet without weighing myself this morning (stupid, stupid!) but since I went to bed at 161.something last night (yeah, disgusting, I know) I'm estimating it at about 159.8.
Weighed myself pre-shower at 167.8, even when cheating a bit (yes, I have no control. I admit to it).

Then I heard my dad screaming over the running water and closed wooden door.
Threw on a towel, ran out.
Grabbed the phone.

Heard some of the most glorious words I've heard in a long time: "We want to hire you for our program."
Hallelujah. Thank you God, thank you everyone, thank you anything.

But I'm not excited.
I'm not overjoyed.
A brief moment of happiness went through me when the camp director told me.



How am I supposed to go to camp looking like this? Camp is in less than a MONTH. LESS than a MONTH.

Also, there's a little problem with something I haven't told you guys about yet (I'm not really sure why, it just hasn't come up).
I wear, erm... Controlling undergarments everyday.

Yes, I'm seventeen and I wear a fucking girdle.

Wow, I feel ten times more pathetic putting it into writing.

So, tomorrow will be better. I can get through tomorrow, yes? Hmm, what is tomorrow anyway? Day 2, day 2....

Juice/tea/milk in the morning, orange or orange juice for lunch, tea for dinner.

Hmm, substitution time, since I have no (don't like) oranges.
How about raspberries? I can just throw a bunch in a bag, since they're approximately 1 calorie each, according to CalorieCount.

Rachel; Yes, we will pull ourselves together here, and start making some goddamn fucking progress (directed at myself :]). It's time; I hope you start feeling better soon, honey!

BlAnCh; Aww, I missed you! Sleep definitely owns, not that I ever get enough. We will defy gravity and float away, soon enough. Soon enough.

EvaPuedeVolar; You're right. Baguettes AREN'T good at all. I'm so happy I got the job, but I definitely would stay on the skinny path no matter what. Actually, not getting the job probably would've made me work just as hard, to prove, "See, I AM what you were looking for, and guess what? You don't have me!"
But now they do have me, so I have to prove myself and get skinny.


1. Sad, happy, mixed emotions.
2. Got the job!
3. Gotta get skinny, fast. :[
4. Love you guys, so so so much.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Long road to nowhere.

Intake is shot for today.

Running starts today.
Chemical Diet starts tomorrow.

Fuck me.
I'm so stressed about this job- I want it so much! They're hiring eighteen counselors (sounds good, right?), but here's the kicker:
They're only hiring three newcomers. Fifteen of the counselors are already in.
Fuck them.
Fuck me.
I want this so badly.

If they don't call today I may stress eat my way through an entire baguette.

Breathe, Charlie, breathe.

I woke up this morning at 156.8 (154.8 my parents' scale. What?!? 10-12 hours of sleep should be on every single weight loss program) and promptly went downstairs and began eating.
And eating.
And eating.

Jesus someone please locate my dignity and self-control, they ran away.
I guess I neglected them.
I maybe could have bathed them and kept them cleaner?


Saturday, May 15, 2010

Chemical Diet

I got a question about the Chemical Diet, so here it is again.

1st week:
Every day breakfast: orange juice + skimmed milk + coffee or tea
Day 1:
Lunch: 1 fruit
Dinner: coffee or tea.
Day 2:
Lunch: 1 orange or orange juice
Dinner: 1 cup skim milk OR one boiled egg.
Day 3:
Lunch: 1 toast + tea
Dinner: tea or coffee
Day 4:
Lunch: 1 fruit
Dinner: 1 cup green salad + tea or coffee
Day 5:
Lunch: 1 apple
Dinner: coffee or tea
Day 6:
Lunch: 1 fruit
Dinner: 1 cup of skim milk
Day 7:
Lunch: 1 toast + coffee or tea
Dinner: coffee or tea

That's Week One.
I'll post Week Two if I get through Week One.


Or left?

I went with a friend to see that movie "Just Wright" last night (heh, rhyme!).
It was the shittiest movie I've seen in awhile.

Is it sad that it almost made me cry though?
For those of you who haven't seen it (and I really wouldn't recommend it), it's about this lady Leslie (Queen Latifah), who has been single for awhile, every guy always sees her as a friend. She meets this NBA star, and starts falling for him, but then he falls for her godsister, and they get engaged. Then he gets hurt, and Leslie starts taking care of him, because she's a physical therapist. So he starts basketball again and the bitchy godsister comes back (the night after he and Leslie have sex.... Awk). Then she gets pissed and leaves and god, I could just really fucking relate to the whole "You aren't girlfriend material, you're friend material (because you're overweight, even though they never say that)" And dammit she's the fucking Queen, she should be getting guys all over the place.

Really hit home.

Anyway, it's time to try something new, something different, something fun.
You wanna know why?

I had my camp interview today.
I think they liked me.
I hope they liked me.

Please let them have liked me.
There are only three spots for new counselors. I want this job so bad, and it's so close I can almost taste it.
Not that I would. Taste it, I mean.
Didn't eat today until my dad suggested we go out to lunch.
I ate.
A lot.
I feel gross.

And the fact that I'll know by tomorrow if I got the job is pushing me into changing. I NEED to be 145 by June 20. That's a little bit less than 3 pounds per week.
If I actually stick to shit, I could do it.

Crossed bread off my list today, but I already had a sandwich... Guess I'll be running tonight.
Fuck, I hate myself.

Thank you for your beautiful comments, you guys are so lovely.
I've decided to start the Chemical Diet again, the progress I made last time wasn't so great, but it's nice having every meal already planned out, and I feel different. I can conquer this. I can. Maybe?

Probably not.
3 pounds by next Sunday. I'll let you know what my morning weight is tomorrow. The only thing I'm having tonight is Diet Root Beer (yum!), and I'll start the CD tomorrow.

Love you guys so much, I'm so proud of all your progress!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Trying something new.

I know, how many times have you guys heard that?

Well, I'm trying something new.
Yes, I ate today. I had a relatively normal lunch (kind of high-cal, but fuck it tasted good), and a relatively low-cal dinner. It's damn near impossible to liquid fast while I'm at school. Once I get into final exams I may do a week. Maybe.

So, my new thing.


I don't know if it's going to work. Going by my past attempts at new plans, my hope is not high.

So I have this list.
A list of 51 (actually, 50 now, I'll get to that in a second) foods.
Delicious foods.
High-calorie, delicious, disgusting foods.

And every day, I cross one off. And make a note of the date.
First food on my list?
Guesses, anyone?

If you guessed chocolate, you win........ NOTHING!

I have to clean my room so I can go out tomorrow, but I love you guys, thank you for your beautiful comments. I wish I could respond to them right now, but I NEED TO GO OUT. -heavy breathing-

Love you guys, stay wonderful! <3

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Since I'm still not completely emotionally stable, I've continued the liquid fast, but modified.

See, I ate dinner tonight. Dinner being crackers, cheese, a banana, some croutons, and a box of Red-Only Starbursts, around three-thirty/four p.m.

And three donut holes and a mini-cookie during the AP Exam... But I was about to fall asleep and-
No, Charlie, no excuses. Do not give the only people in the world you truly trust excuses for your own inadequacy.

So yes. I ate.
I'll try to do better tomorrow. No promises.
Down a pound this morning from yesterday.

I think the orange juice I've been drinking upsets my stomach. Every day I drink it, I've been getting these intense intestinal cramps.
And gas, too.

Too much information?
Well, suck it Trebek.

Yeah, we watched Will Ferrell SNL today in AP English instead of doing anything, as a celebration for finishing the test.
I got a book today called "Models Don't Eat Chocolate Cookies". I don't think it's ED related, but I like the title. I got a lot of books today.
But that's beside the point.

I'm feeling better today.
I made an effort- maybe that makes the difference?
I felt connected. Connected.
Instead of disassociated. Things clicked.
I even teased one of the more popular guys in my grade after school (ahahaha, how corny. "Popular guy in my grade." Ahahaha). I don't know where the balls came from.

Maybe I'll finally get my Adam's Apple and penis, too.

That was a joke.

I love you guys. Thank you for your beautiful comments.

Stay as wonderful as I know you are. :]

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Aw, fuck.

Who am I kidding?

Liquid fasting tomorrow. Hells yes.
I can say "No," to the donuts and cookies my teacher brings as a snack for our AP exams.
I can keep my chicken broth in a Thermos and drink it at lunch.
I can leave my money at home and not buy anything.
I can go home and RUN before ballet.
And then drink as much water as physically possible.
I want inches between my thighs.
And a canyon between my ribs and hips.
Instead of this glacier of fat that wobbles on my abdominal region.
I can do it.


Mental Makeover.

Today, while sitting in the car, reading Cosmo, and eating trail mix (yes, that's 0/2 days liquid fasted), I decided that it's time for a makeover.
A physical makeover, yes.
A mental makeover, definitely.

As a part of this, I will edit the 6-Week Spreadsheet and list of rules that I made last night. Here are the new rules:

1. I will make a point to find three nice things about every person I talk to or think about for more than a fleeting moment. And I will repeat them in my head when I think of something I don't like about them, until the nasty thoughts go away.
2. I will make a point to eat three healthy meals a day. I will not stuff myself, but I will not restrain myself to the point of starving and binge attacks.
3. I will make an attempt to NOT count calories, and not punish myself for eating said three meals.
4. I will try to keep a smile on my face as long as possible, every day, as opposed to the pout/frown that has taken root.
5. I will exercise every day, be it cardio or weights. If I'm not feeling cardio, then I will lift weights/do strength exercises for all muscle groups, if I'm not feeling weights, thirty minutes of cardio will I do (I may also turn into Yoda, just saying).

These five rules I am going to make an attempt to live by. I'm so fucked up right now I can't stand it; I'm not happy, but I'm not sad, and I DON'T FEEL. It's like I'm a robot going through the day. I'm going to hone myself into a healthy mental and physical state, and once I'm healthy, I can start fucking things up again. :]

Thank you guys for reading my blog, and for those of you who comment, I love you more than I can say.
I love all of you, even if you don't comment, that goes without saying.
Stay wonderful. <3

Monday, May 10, 2010


I received an email from one of my most treasured email buddies today; She was upset about some of the things I've said on here recently.
So I want to clarify, and also apologize to her, what really goes on in my mind.

I don't really want to be sick, I don't want to be in the hospital. Low irons levels, yes, I can live without. I just want something tangible, that shows I've been putting in effort. The mirror doesn't prove anything, the numbers don't prove much more. What goes on internally- that's the proof. Do I really, truly want it? No. Do I really, truly want something to show for everything I've been through?
Hell yes.

I also wrote, "I always have rude comments in my head for people I don't know or don't like. I always think mean things, especially about, well... larger people. I mean like insanely obese.
It scares me, obesity does."

This really bothers me, because I don't know what I was honestly thinking at the time I wrote this.
No clue.

A lot of times, as I attempted to explain to my email buddy, I have trouble really saying what I want to say, finding the right words for what I feel.
What I meant by this comment was that being on the brink of obesity in October scared the absolute crap out of me. I did not mean, in any way shape or form that I make fun of obese people, or think rude things as they walk by.
It's more of a... Oh gosh, I'm having one of those finding the right words moment.
I don't think obese or overweight people are any less beautiful or human, especially when they're happy in their own skin.
I ENVY that.
It's more that, when I was there on that ledge, I felt so... less than human and wretched. So uncomfortable in my own body that I just wanted to wriggle out of it and float away.
Of course, I still feel that way.

So, email buddy (who shall remained unnamed, since I'm unsure of how she feels about me announcing her on my blog... Eep. I know I have privacy issues), I would like to apologize again, and to anyone else I may have offended with my comments. I'm truly sorry.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I'm ready.

I'm ready to tell them that for every comment I get about not eating enough is another day I don't eat with them.
I'm ready to not go to lunch tomorrow and not eat, to work on my "religion project".
I'm ready to liquid fast tomorrow, with OhMyGosh and others.
I'm ready to be thin.
I'm ready to get over this goddamn plateau.
I'm ready to leave fat in my past.
I'm ready to work at a summer camp.
I'm ready to be amazing and beautiful and awe-inspiring and fantastic.

I'm ready.
Bring it on.


I'm so scared to weigh myself right now.

I'm scared to find out that every single effort I put forth this week, every single time my stomach protested from lack of food, was for naught, after yesterday.
I'm scared to see that I haven't lost any weight this week, and I'm not closer to my goal.

I'm scared.


So, maybe not all for naught.

156.6, which I think is good. I can't remember exactly, but I think last week around this time I was 159 after eating too much. Who the fuck knows. I was probably 157 and probably only lost 0.4 pounds. Oh well. It's a start, right?

Charlie's Plan For This Week
Breakfast: Nothing
Lunch: 1 cup of cherries, 1 cup of cantaloupe, and a few whole wheat crackers
Dinner: 1 cup of chicken broth, 1 cup of cherries

Breakfast: 1/2 cup of cantaloupe
Lunch: A few whole wheat crackers, cheese stick, and a banana
Dinner: Salad

Breakfast: Oatmeal
Lunch: Salad
Dinner: 1 cup of chicken broth

Breakfast: A few whole wheat crackers
Lunch: Salad, cheese stick
Dinner: Tomato soup

Breakfast: Nothing
Lunch: Tomato soup
Dinner: Any leftover fruit

Liquid fast


There. Now that I told you guys my plan, I'm required to stick to it. REQUIRED.

Saturday, May 8, 2010


Calories today.

It's time to stop.

I feel so weird. Sososoweird.
Life doesn't seem real anymore.
Pain is real.
The wind is real.
But inside my head doesn't feel real.
It feels


I'm going through the motions and nothing's changing, nothing's getting better.
I need to be skinny if I'm going to work at a camp.

I need to be less crazy if I'm going to finish life.

My arm is swollen and sore from the blood donation needle.
My iron levels were good, 13.1.

This is bad.
I wanted to be turned away, I wanted to have accomplished something, proving that I really have lost this weight.

But, no.
I gave blood.
Got my t-shirtpinnailpolishsnackanddrink.

Grabbed a pack of Oreos.
Ate three.
Was disgusted with myself.
Gave the rest to a lightheaded friend.
She asked why I wasn't lightheaded.

Maybe because I'm barely an inch taller than you and weigh 30 pounds more?

Weighed in at 156.6 this morning.
Which should be better.
But I'm so detached I barely care.
It's not good enough.
Not good enough.

Will I ever be good enough?

Friday, May 7, 2010


Hoo, boy. It's coming in fast.

Time to start dropping pounds like I drop dollars.

No, seriously.


You guys remember that camp job I applied for? Well, I got a call for an interview today... And it's next week. Eeeeeeep.
So I'm going to try to be 150 by next Saturday. I think I can do it. Not sure, we'll have to see how the effects of tonight's bread-binge turn out.
I am, however, in my second day of no chocolate.
Which I think is snazz-tastic.
I will have to eat some before I go to give blood tomorrow (I'm not even sure if I'll be allowed to, I'm almost positive my iron levels are way low... If they aren't, then I'll feel like a horrible person and will start eating less). I'll have a box of raisins and a bottle of water beforehand.
And after?
Well, we'll see how fat I am when I wake up.

Before I started eating today, I was 156.4, my scale. 155.6 parents' scale. I woke up at 157.0. I currently weigh 158.0.

So, fuck me.
Just fuck me.
I don't even get to sleep in.

Life is so surreal right now.
Nothing seems tangible, nothing matters.
I wrote a song.
But it wasn't really me writing.
I feel like I'm on medication.
But I'm not.
I probably should be.
Fuck me.

I love you guys, thanks so much for your comments. :]

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Back from the hospital.

List-cap (re-cap in list form) at the end. For those of you who'd rather read random, sporadic words and phrases than this whole entry. :]

Did I tell you guys about my anorexic "friend" who was getting treatment?

I can't remember.
Anyway, she hasn't been in school for a month or so now, because she's been getting treatment for her anorexia. Yes, I'm still skeptical.
She's been going to treatment, but only during the day. This makes me suspicious, because if it were me, and my family, I would still be going to school, and probably going to treatment at night (not that I'll be needing/wanting treatment any time soon, with this fucking fat). It just...makes more sense, right? Get someone to fucking monitor her eating lunch. We all know she won't, though.
I still think she does everything for attention, but hey, what do I know?
I do know that I am the exact opposite of her. I don't want the attention. I just want to float away.
She comes in today and starts showing off the weight she's gained. Really?

Sorry, the whole thing pisses me off.

On another note, during my psychology class, I learned something (I know, shocking!).

Avoidant Personality Disorder
Symptoms include:
-Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection.
-Self-imposed social isolation.
-Extreme shyness or social anxiety in social situations, though feels a strong desire for close relationships.
-Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus.
-Avoids interpersonal relationships.
-Feelings of inadequacy.
-Severe low self-esteem
-Mistrust of others.
-Emotional distancing related to intimacy.
-Highly self-conscious.
-Self-critical about their problems relating to others.
-Problems in occupational functioning.
-Feeling inferior to others.
-Lonely self-perception.
-Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts.

Fits me to a fucking T. Now how the fuck do I get rid of it?

Trying to decide whether or not to eat dinner tonight. I feel like a fat pig.
I had my salad at lunch today (140, got comments about how small it was. Fuck off, you know?), and some carrots (35).
But before that I had bunches of Teddy Grahams and Hershey's Hugs.
Not enough to feel full.
But enough to feel fat.

1. I feel fat.
2. She's fucking back.
3. I almost got raped by a lesbian today (yeah, haha, I know that wasn't in the main part of my spiel, but I had to add it. Oh, I have to add this too: I am not homophobic in any way shape or form, this girl is the creepiest, sketchiest fucking person I know and invades my personal space, the end).
4. Avoidant Personality Disorder.
5. Eateateat. Starvestarvestarve.
6. Dinner? Or no dinner? You guys decide for me. :]

I've been feeling down lately, so leave me some love? Just a comment saying, "Oh hey." would be nice. :]
Or, feel free to email me: :]

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I've never felt this way before.

And I hope to never again.

All my life, I've been pretty confident, at least when it comes to dance.
Today, I felt ugly and clompy and ungraceful.
I'm always critical in my head of everyone, even more of myself. Usually my arabesques are adequate, my balances are a breeze and my pirouettes are passable, and don't give me reason to frown.
Today, I frown.

For the first time in my life, in a dance studio, I felt unpleasant and uncomfortable and unsure.
I still feel that way.

Even though I ate my lunch today, my friends didn't believe me when I told them I did (I ate lunch in the art room with other friends).
It was a fucking salad, like total 142.5 calories. Plus strawberrys, 45.
I did eat it, for the record.

Around 500 calories today. Probably a bit over. Ick.
I feel disgusting. I'll have my salad for lunch tomorrow and for dinner.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


I told you guys how I wanted to be over the summer.
Until today, this is how I wanted to be in the fall, the beginning of my senior year:

Bubbly and happy and carefree. Skinny, with golden-toned brown hair. Long wavy hair in a ponytail and short cheerleading shorts, going to visit the athletic trainer (the awesome guy who tapes up our sprains, puts band-aids on our blisters, gives us crutches when we break), and having all the football players staring at me in awe as I happily bounce to see the trainer. Then one of them will say something, and I'll respond prettily and wittily (heh, rhyme) and make them blush in my perfectpresence.

Until today, when I realized it's not possible. Why?

Because I am petrified of people.
People scare me. But only in real life. When they're online or on the phone or in a text message, they're fine. They can never hurt me or help me or try to do anything to me like they could manage in person. As long as they stay digital, pixellated, I'm safe.

But enough about me.
Tell me about your days, my dears.
Tell me what happened, I want to know.

Intake was eh today.
I was supposed to fast with my email buddy. Had a few handfuls of Hershey's Hugs and two pinches of shredded cheddar cheese. Feel disgusting.

On the bright side, I forced myself to go outside and run, since it was so nice out. That was difficult. I have no stamina.

I love you guys, thank you for all your wonderful comments. :]
Stay wonderful!

Monday, May 3, 2010

I'd give, I'd bend. Let's play pretend.

Have you guys ever heard of Lights?
I'm kind of obsessed with her. Listen to her song "Pretend," it's kind of fucking amazing.

Thank you guys for thinking the best of me... I'm really not that great of a friend or a person... I just don't have that many friends I actually care about keeping, I guess.
A lot of times people annoy the hell out of me, so I'll be mean to them
I always have rude comments in my head for people I don't know or don't like. I always think mean things, especially about, well... larger people. I mean like insanely obese.
It scares me, obesity does.
I never want to be on the brink again.
At 180.4 pounds, I had a BMI of 29.3, which is 0.7 away from being obese. Which terrifies me.

I'm also very good at undermining things. So you see, I'm actually quite a bad person, I swear.

This is crazy, I'm attempting to qualify reasons that I'm a horrible human being.

So, Skinny Annoying Friend is now in an even bigger fight with my other friend and I'm in the middle. Yet again.
I'm so so so fucking tempted to not talk to them until they decide to be mature like I'm attempting to be.
I mean, when you can't even own up to your own part, you have a problem.
It takes two to start an argument.

And apparently three to finish it.

Intake today wasn't great. Raw foods mixed with shit foods.
So it wasn't total fail, but close enough.
Two pounds by Sunday. Two pounds by Sunday.
I can be 145 by June 20th. IthinkIcanIthinkIcanIthinkIcan.

In case you're wondering, June 20th is a retirement party after church for my pastor, who is amazing and I love her. It's going to be weird not living next door to amazing people anymore. Our new pastor is funny looking (see, there's my meanness again!).
This means there's a possibility that I'm going to see this guy that's been one of my close friends that I've pretty much been in love with since we were little.
And he's always thought of me as a younger sister.
So maybe if I'm hot and attractive, he'll think less "younger sister" and more "damn I wanna bang your brains out even if you're two years younger than me and I have a girlfriend and I'm in college and it's illegal."

Why yes, I am a pathetic virgin. Heh.
No, I'm not looking to get laid, but hell it'd be nice to get noticed for my looks every now and again.
However, I could just be ugly.
But at least my eyebrows match my hair. Heh.
(That was a jab at his ex-girlfriend, who had dark brown eyebrows and light blonde hair. Like, what? SEE I'M SO FUCKING MEAN. I DON'T DESERVE NICE PEOPLE LIKE YOU.)

And this is way too long now. Bye guys, I love you.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Fair-weather friends.

fucking suck.

Yeah, I'm talking to you, Skinny Annoying Friend. It's totally cool that I've always been the only one who actually likes you for you; the geeky, nerdy, insecure girl I know you are. Even if you pretend to be confident and amazing, like you fit in with those people you're friends with now, I know you don't. Because I know who you are on the inside.

So go ahead. Ignore me as much as you want, go booze it up and smoke weed and become the nasty whore you want to be. But when you turn around one night and can't remember who you slept with, and none of them can tell you because they were just as drunk and high as you, I will be there to help you pick up the pieces. Because I'm NOT a fair-weather friend like you. Because I actually care about people. And if you weren't too busy lying your ass off and trying to impress the hell out of people you won't even be friends with after high school, you'd realize that.

So go ahead, go offline when I try to talk to you about a fucking project we have to do together. That's cool, especially since our topic is on Communication in Relationships.
Avoid me.
Forget who your real friends were; who you lost by being fake and lying.
By ignoring us.

I won't be like you.

Intake is shot today. Went up four pounds by day's end.
Starting tomorrow, I'm doing raw foods; fruits, vegetables.
I swear.

It's something.

Woke up this morning at 156.8.

Had a bowl of cereal (100) and some semi-sweet chocolate chips (not sure, maybe 100? 120?). I'm not eating anything else until dinner, I suppose.
I have to go to two SAT tutors today. Eehh.

I don't know guys, I'm not feeling particularly exciting today. I feel gross and fat and boring. But not exciting.

And after all my stress about L bringing the Midget to prom... He didn't even show up! Which was kind of odd...He's pretty much a social person. Who knows, maybe he had some raging party with his old boarding school friends.
Yeah, I know, whatever. I'm over it.

Not really.

Still not feeling particularly special. Maybe once I do my SAT homework and take a shower I will. I love you guys and all your comments, thank you so much. :]
Stay wonderful.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Not gonna lie...

Prom kind of sucked. Thanks everyone for your kind words. :] I had fun though, once we got past the sucky, awkward, "I hate all these fucking sophomores get them out of my prom," part.
The after-party was fun, too, but it wasn't worth it to be overexcited.
Charr.; Since you asked, I'm seventeen. :]

I want to respond to a comment I got from carport321.
I do appreciate your advice, and your comments, and it seems like you're a very passionate person who cares a great deal. When I'm with my friends, I don't wallow in self-pity. I have a great time. The only time I truly wallow is when I'm alone, when I can. If I were to be wallowing about, I wouldn't be able to keep my amazing friends, they wouldn't allow it. I've always been a happy, sociable person in public.
Maybe I haven't been given a complete shit deal, but my life hasn't been a piece of cake, and I don't just sit around bemoaning my fate. I actually do a lot of charity work, helping out at my church, and with school sponsored events. I almost had to get a tuberculosis shot last summer because of all the times I worked at soup kitchens last year.
I can't help it if the way I view the world makes you sick. I can't help my feelings on matters, and I know neither can you. I care what I weigh, and I am not happy with where I am.
How am I supposed to expect anyone else to be happy with me if I can't even be happy with myself?
So, I will not stop. I'm not uneducated, I'm very well-read, as a matter of fact, and I know exactly what I'm doing. Maybe that makes it worse, I don't know. But I won't stop "hurting" myself until I don't deserve to be hurt anymore. From where I stand, the only thing that truly hurts is seeing the number go up on the scale, and seeing my clothes not fitting anymore.
Thank you, though, for caring enough to write such a wonderful comment, I do appreciate it.