Saturday, October 30, 2010

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1. How fat I am.
2. All the things I've done wrong.
3. Sex.
4. My lack of social skills.
5. Camp.
6. The fact that no one really likes me.
7. Boys.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

1. Give me hugs. Lots of them.
2. Don't be afraid to get close to me. Even though I'm afraid to get close to you.
3. Never bullshit me. Because when you say, "You're the perfect size," I KNOW you're lying.
4. Notice when I'm upset. Ask what's wrong. Console me even when I say I'm fine.
5. Don't pretend you don't like me, or at least that you like talking to me.
6. Have awesome hair (awesome muscles can be substituted for awesome hair).
7. Look at me. Even when I tell you to stop.
8. Above all, make me laugh.

I just binged on a bag of "fun-sized" Snickers.
Let me ask you this: What's so fun about a giant bag of calories, calling my name?


Granted, I had a granola bar for lunch.
But no excuses.

Eight ways to win your heart?

<3 Love you guys who answered. Love your answers. Love you. <3

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

1. I'm a cheerleader.
2. I over-think things way too much.
3. I'm in love with a boy whose hair is longer than mine... And who has a girlfriend 10x skinnier than me.
4. I love Ke$ha songs.
5. I'm not very profound.
6. I want to make it big in musical theater.
7. Camp is my life.
8. Eight is my favorite number.
9. Guitar is my outlet for emotions.

Now, if you're reading, tell me nine things about you. It can be anything. :]

Today was okay, I guess. Woke up at 168.8, hopefully will be 168.0 tomorrow...
But probably not.

I admit, I haven't been eating well lately.
I haven't been eating a whole lot.
But I haven't been eating well.

Sorry I haven't had much to say lately. I'm not in a good spot right now, I'm not really sure why.

Love you guys. <3

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. "I think you're a fake skank."
2. "I wish you would think about someone else for once in your life."
3. "Stop making me do all the work in this goddamn relationship."
4. "Thank you for always realizing something is wrong, even when I say, 'Nothing's wrong.'"
5. "You make me smile when you offer to beat someone up for me."
6. "If I weren't fat, would you like me more?"
7. "Stop acting like you're better than me."
8. "Why don't you ever talk? I bet if you'd talk to me, you'd smile more."
9. "She's a dirty whore. I don't even know her, and I know that."
10. "I love you."

Found this cool ten-day thing HERE. (Love you {3)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

An eating disorder is better than being fat.

This mother is disgusting. Shouldn't even be fit to call herself a mother.

Click it. Fucking disturbing.
‘With an eating disorder you can get through it with therapy. But when you’re fat, you’re fat for life.’


I'm sorry I haven't had a legitimate post in awhile guys. I feel awful about it, but I really have nothing to say right now.
Back to 170.
It's gross.

To not.quite.ana: Wow, my entire blog?! I'm sorry you read some of that fucking shit. XD

Thank you guys for being supportive as always. I love you. <3

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Yep. I'm officially gross and out of control.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


You learn something new every day.
Today I learned that among my other disorder eatings, I almost definitely have pagophagia, a form of pica (in which one consumes items that are not generally considered food, in the case of pagophagia, the item would be ice).
You can read about it in THIS WIKIPEDIA ARTICLE (yeah, I know, Wikipedia, but still, it's where I get all my information...)

It's actually kind of shocking that my obsession with chewing ice is actually a disorder.

And it's time for a story I forgot to tell you all.

Back in August, I went in to my doctor's office for a physical exam. She noticed on her chart that I had lost weight from my last physical and asked me what I had been doing differently.
"Oh, eating healthy... And I'm vegetarian now." I replied.
"Hmm. Well, keep doing what you're doing, since it's obviously working!"

I took that as a sign to continue fucking up my body with disordered eating.
I mean, why not?
(That one was clearly rhetorical...)

Liquid fast, Day 2

I'm on Day 2 of a rather random liquid fast.

After weighing in at 174 Sunday, 172 Monday, I started liquid fasting yesterday (Tuesday, also 172). I'm currently 168.4, woo.

Feeling really crappy and sluggish right now. I worked out after school, went for thirty minutes, got a drink, hopped back on. After six minutes I started getting dizzy and called it quits.
No sense in fainting in front of a pack of muscle-lusting junior-year boys.

I just feel so exhausted. I know this will go away soon if I continue (which, ultimately is the plan). I want to be at least 165 before I end this fast, if not 160.

I've never done more than a 1-day fast before. I feel semi-proud.
And at the same time, like shit.
Sorry for such a crappy post you guys. I'll properly update later.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Just the girl next door.

First of all, I wanted to thank Liz, Sam, Lost In Space, skinnybusiness, Sarah and Lucidity for such amazing comments. :] I know I usually thank you guys last, so I decided to thank you guys first this time, because those comments really mean so much to me.

Now, on to business.

I've come to the conclusion that everything about me opposes the person I want to become.
I want to be glamorous and mysterious and alluring.

But all my features scream "Girl Next Door".
Everything to my easily sunburned skin, to my freckles, from my strawberry blonde hair to my not-"hot" figure...
Even if I were skinny, I'd still just be a Plain Jane.
Okay, that phrase (Plain Jane) has always bothered me, because all the Janes I know are pretty and amazing and charismatic.

I want to be less sunny and more sultry.
Less Drew Barrymore, more Vivien Leigh.
Les chunky, more svelte.

That's a weird word. Svelte.

Anyway, it's time for me to hit the hay. I want to try to get at least six hours of sleep tonight...

Love you.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Lost two followers over the past week.

Is it because I don't post religiously anymore?
Sorry if I don't feel like boring you guys with random spew from my mouth.

@lovelybones; I meant to answer your question awhile ago... Slipped my mind completely. I wish I did live in Canada so we could be real-life buddies (actually, the thought of being RL buddies with anyone from this community scares me so much I can't even put it into words). No, sadly I live in boring Upstate New York. This is big, I've never made any allusion to where I live in this blog. At all. I'm still in high school, too.
@Lost In Space; Meant to answer this too: my school got $11 million from rich fancy-pants donors/alumni who wanted to have their name put on something at the school. Nothing worthwhile, like, oh, I don't know, a THEATER. Instead, two turf fields, a new track, a new softball field, new exercise equipment (not complaining about that one).

So what have I been up to in the past FOREVER that it's been since I last posted?
Well, major bingeing, to start.
Working my way back, as of today.
Started a break-a-habit plan, completely ending my chocolate consumption (I'm on Day Three. Don't want to jinx it, even though I know by putting it on here I will, like always. I've been eating chocolate every day, it's wreaking havoc on my skin. So no more of that).
Still as fucking fat as ever, still 17 (+?) pounds heavier than when I left camp.

So Charlie = unhappy.

Kind of.

See, there's a new guy in the picture...
But I don't want to jinx anything.
So for right now, my lips are sealed. :x

Love you guys. <3
Would love comments, if it's not too much to ask. Self-esteem is pretty much down the toilet at the moment.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Today, after a successful day of NOT eating, I emotion-binged on two slices of pizza and a whole package of Pepperidge Farm cookies.

I think it's time for me to give up my dream of ever being successful at anything in my life.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I'm not desperate I'm not desperate I'm not desperate.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Day 00

Today started a new life for me. A life of... Gasp! Actually working out?!

As a part of my school's 11 million dollar athletic revamp (yeah. ELEVEN MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS. Including two new turf fields, a redesigned grass field for modified sports, softball field, and overhauled weight/fitness room. And we still have no fucking theater. Go fucking figure), they redid our weight room. It now has two treadmills, two elliptical machines, and two stationary bikes.
Guess what Charlie is now in love with?

So, my friend and I decided that would start using the ellipticals every Monday and Wednesday (I'm not a slacker, I swear! Tuesdays and Thursdays I have chorus, play practice, and cheer practice straight after school until six! Fridays we have football games to cheer at, and excuse me, but I am not doing an hour on the elliptical right before cheering a three/four hour game. Ick). And we started today.
Food intake wasn't great today. Half a peanut butter (ew) sandwich for breakfast, a cookie, pudding for lunch. Ellipsisized (ellipsed? Who the fuck knows...) an hour (-410 calories). Came home and turned into Binge Monster, ugh. Slice of American cheese, handful of chips and salsa, three smallish slices of pizza (PIZZA.) and an ice pop. Then dance class, funnest thing of my life. My teacher tore something in her shoulder, so we had this awesome guy teaching class, and he's just so much fun!

Anyway, today starts Day 00 of the New Charlie.
Tomorrow starts Day 01 of ABC (Yes. Charlie's actually trying this YET ANOTHER TIME).
Who knows. Maybe this time it'll work out.

Thank you all for your encouraging comments. I love you. <3