Breakdown.

I've been doing a lot of introspective thinking lately. It's weird.

Twenty-two hour fast completed today. Didn't eat too much after I broke it.
I need to go to bed now, but I need to get these thoughts out. I feel like they'll bury me if I don't.

I've been reading entries from last year: December, January, February. I can literally see the degradation of my mental state to where it is today.

I wander around my house aimlessly, I wander around stores aimlessly, I wander around school aimlessly.
Looking for something that will fill the void in my life. There's a place in my brain, I think it's missing.

I feel absolutely fucking crazy right now.



But no one could ever tell.
I have a perfect, unblemished veneer over my emotions. No one ever knows what I'm really thinking or feeling.

Not that anyone's ever cared enough to venture deeper. I always hoped I would meet someone (preferably a guy I could fall in love with and live happily ever after with) who would care enough to see through my bullshit and care enough to make me stop hurting myself before I go absolutely psychotic.

Not yet.
Still waiting.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want a knight in shining armor who will vanquish all my evils for me. I just want a sexy, gorgeous man (with flowing, wavy hair, and clear green or brown eyes, taller than me, with a come-hither (or incredibly cute and goofy) smile and nice teeth) to tell me that I need save myself. Because he doesn't know what he'd do without me.
I want to be wanted. I want to be needed.


I've never had a problem with anonymous commenters. I wonder why that is. Do I not say offensive things enough? Because I can.

Fuck.
Donkey rape.
Anal bleaching.

Not offensive enough? At least I tried...

Still not officially back. I wonder how many "not official" posts it will take to make me admit I'm 100% back.


NON-OFFICIAL POST TALLY: 2

Explanations.

It's been twenty days since my last post.
This is the longest I've gone without posting since I started.

I feel like I owe some sort of explanation.
I know a lot of people don't really read this anymore (or most that do don't comment, like I don't on everyone's blogs, because I'm lazy shit and never know what to say), but I need to get this out there.

I don't know that I'll be posting again, I won't say that I'm back.
Because I'm not.

I'm somewhere else, somewhere that's kind of like limbo. I can't completely think straight.
When I go to the grocery store, instead of heading straight for the food I usually binge on, I wander. I stare at things for ten, fifteen, twenty minutes. Pick something out. Put it back. Go look through makeup. Pick something up. Put it back. Pick something else up. Decide to buy it. Go back to the food, pick something out. Something remotely healthy. Pick something else out. And something else. Walk around like a zombie. Buy it all, bring it home.
Eat.


On a completely different note, pastels and lace are two of my favorite things fashion-wise right now. I'm in love with lavender and peach.

I think I'm going to fast tomorrow. I haven't fasted in quite some time. I'm also going to start running again. I just need to get up the courage to run outside in the bipolar Central New York weather.

A quote from one of my August posts:
"I could never leave, not completely."

I say crazy things sometimes, huh?

This post has turned into completely what I didn't want it to. I wanted it to be direct, straightforward. I had something I wanted to explain, but it's getting too long. Maybe I'll post sometime this week.

This is pretty much what has been happening in my mind lately. I hop from one thing to the next, then to the next, then back to the first thing, then something else.

My stomach hurts. Ate too many Now And Laters and too much hot chocolate and too MUCH.

Top Ten March 2011 Goals
10. Run every day.
9. Don't count calories, but eat as little as possible.
8. No binges, no purges.
7. Write new songs.
6. Wash face twice every day. No more acne on this face.
5. Make play costumes.
4. Make new hats.
3. Do homework.
2. Keep room clean.
1. Try not to pout.

This is going to be my last post for awhile.

I've been thinking about this for quite some time.

I love keeping a blog, I love all my followers, I love your comments.
But I just can't keep this up anymore.
I don't have a specific reason why.
Maybe I do, but I just can't think of it right now.

So this is going to be my last post.
I might come back at some later date.
Who knows.

But right now, this blog isn't providing what it used to provide for me.
So, at 170 pounds, 10 pounds lighter than when I started this journey, I'm saying goodbye.
I can't find it in me to delete any of these posts.
This was a long fucking year of my life.


Goodbye. I love you all.

I no longer want to be attached.

Feelings suck.

Love, hate, like, happiness, sadness, anger, excitement, embarassment.
I've decided I don't want any part of them any more.


I want to hover over everyone, unattached.
I want to not care when something doesn't happen how I expect it to.
I want to not have expectations.
I want to be apathetic, indifferent.

I want to be a liminal being.
(lim·i·nal: adj \ˈli-mə-n^əl\
2: barely perceptible)

I want to float above the petty feelings that people suffer through every day.
I need to stop living for food.
I want to barely exist.

Because, you see, as much as I want to not exist, I'm so afraid of nonexistence that I couldn't possible go to that level.


So I'll exist liminally.
Barely.

I'm not sure if you can turn liminal into an adjective. I just did, so suck it grammar snobs.
I am one...
A grammar snob, I mean.


When my mind and body operate on the same plane, I will be happy.