Fast ended, fourteen hours, with two mini bagels (cream cheese), two Nutrigrain bars (strawberry), and some Cran-Apple juice.



Love myself. :]

Liquid fast didn't happen today.

Hahaha, look at how fucking pathetic and fat I've become.



Shit, I hate this.
But I'm not changing it.
Someone tell me WHY.












Attempting to fast tomorrow.

All right.

Too much was eaten today.
That is fact.

Tomorrow is liquid fast.
That is also fact.





I had a really nice conversation with a boy today.
Surprisingly, he started it.
He was a counselor-in-training this summer, for two of the weeks.
I thought he was adorable.


He's like, fifteen though.
Which saddens me.





Stupid boy that I want is off at college having fun.
Stupid other boy that I want has a girlfriend.




Fuck, I have a headache.
I love you guys. Thank you for your comments. They make me feel more relevant. If that makes any sense at all.

It's time to get serious.

It's been a week since I've gotten back from camp, and the only productive thing I've done is clean my room.

And even that was half-assed.
I have two weeks. Two weeks to read ten books, finish my AP chemistry homework, and start losing some goddamn weight.
So let's start planning.

Charlie's New Fuck-You Plan
-Calories must be kept below 800 per day, regardless of what is eaten.
-NO MEAT.
-Everything eaten must be recorded in specified food journal.
-One page per week must be completed in thinspo notebook.
-Exercise must occur at least FOUR times a week (cheerleading practice and dance count).





Ta-da. There it is. Nothing intense, like I usually do (I don't have the energy.
Love you guys. Thank you for your amazing words.

Fast ended 17 hours in, with a bag of trail mix, some popcorn, and some chocolate-covered plum bits.








Fuck me.

Lost a follower. :[
Gained some weight. :[
Was disappointed by some people. :[



Begin the fast.

Day 4 of COMPLETE FUCKING BINGEING.







Kill me please.

More bullshit.

Starting tomorrow on ABC.
Because today was epic fail?

But now all the gross disgusting (delicious) food is out of the house, and I'm broke so I can't buy more (not that I have my license so I can go out and buy it).
So tomorrow is lemon yogurt and cottage cheese day!

Fuck it, I need to start eating better.
Scratch that. I need to stop eating.
Because I have a kind-of date.



Kind of...
So I texted this guy that I worked with this summer.
I always kind of had a thing for him and his twin. They're so damn cute! :] Not like the thing I had for the other guy, who I still really like but I'm 99.99% positive he has a thing for another girl we work with.
One of the twins has really long hair, which surprisingly enough is not a turn-off. But he has a girlfriend (so stop grabbing my ass, Jesus).The other one, the one I texted, does not. Either way, I told him that he and his brother should go to the State Fair with me (it's a big deal here), because I have no one to go with. Anyway, he's going to go with me, I'm not sure about his brother, but either way I have a kind-of date-ish thing, even though we're like friends, and that means I need to be skinnier by whatever time we decide that is.

And I got cute clothes today. :]
Slim-fit band shirts.
Size MEDIUM.



We're getting somewhere.
Even if I do now weigh over 160, which I haven't since like, April.

Fuuuuuck.

Good to know I'm a master of bullshit.

When am I going to learn that throwing myself full-force back into Ana never really fucking works?

This means it's time for something else.


Not only did I binge like a fucker today, I had meat for the first time in two months (gasp... I screwed up multiple things).
So trusty ABC starts tomorrow. Mom and I will be going separate ways tomorrow (meaning, no offers to take me out to lunch), and I'll be power-shopping with all my hard-earned cash (not all of it, just $140.00 of the $400.00 I have left... Yeah, shitty pay for the best job in the world. I'd do it for free, no lie).

I got the cutest skirt today. It's charcoal-grey and pleated. Looks like something out of Harry Potter. And the cutest sweater. Burnt orange, my newest favorite color. Both fit perfectly.
Both are larges.


I could be thankful that it's not extra-large.


I could be.







Instead I hate myself for ever letting myself get this fucking fat.



But at the same time, I'm a new person now.
It's hard to not let myself eat a little something when I'm hungry.
I've gotten used to setting a good example.
I've gotten used to being the role model, who has to clear her plate to show the kids how it should be (mind you, my plate was not quite full to begin with).


And now I have to go back to being the selfish little girl who only cares about herself and her appearance and every little fucking thing that happens to her.
At camp I could put it all aside and worry about the kids.
At home, I have nothing else to worry about.




I hate it this way.

Fuck everyone.

Fuck you, for leading me on because the girl you wanted wasn't there all summer.
Fuck you, for being completely fucking oblivious.
Fuck you, for feeling me up and making me think you liked me, when you have a girlfriend.
Fuck you, for not even being decent enough to carry on a two-minute conversation.
Fuck you, for making everything about yourself.
Fuck you, for making me listen to awesome songs and making me think of you when I listen to them.
Fuck you, for being over.





I binged.
Today.
Well, technically it's yesterday.
But I don't count it as yesterday until I wake up the next morning.


So tomorrow (today), I'm fucking fasting.
Because, well, fuck you.
I'm going to be fabulous, and if you can't see that now, well then, fuck you.






Shit, I love this song.

I Want To Know Your Plans by Say Anything.



One of the guys at camp was playing this song all last week. He might even make it sound better than Say Anything, if that's possible. And all these songs by Say Anything, and MGMT, and A Day To Remember, and The Secret Handshake all make me think of these past eight weeks and where the FUCK did they go?






Anyway, fasting tomorrow. I'm going to try to slowly get back into the swing of things here.

And by slowly I mean force this fucking thing as fast as possible.
I want to stop thinking about what I should've done, should've said, should've kept to myself.

On a good note, I've been thoroughly vegetarian for possibly over two months now. Still going strong. :]
Chicken nuggets nights were hard. As were days of endless cheese sandwiches.
They feed us too much at camp.
And the milk.
Milk must be served to everyone (under the age of eighteen) at every meal.
And it's two percent.
Not skim milk.
Two fucking percent.





I'm rambling. It's late.

I love you all. @Anne, I could never leave, not completely. :] I feel like I've missed so much right now, and I'm going to be overwhelmed trying to get caught up on everyone's lives. But I'm glad you decided to join us on Blogger. :]
Everyone else, who I'm too tired to name (you know who you are, I hope), I love you. Thank you for your beautiful comments. I love you all so much. Thanks for sticking with me during this crazy summer, where I've disappeared for so long.

I love you.


edit;
I just realized I've had over 10,000 hits on my blog.
So thank you everyone for that, too. I know it's mostly been me just looking at my own shit. But still. :]

I don't know.

I don't know how I feel (other than fat).
I don't know what to do (other than eat).
I don't know what to say (so I say nothing).




I don't know what everyone fucking wants from me.

So I've decided to stop caring.