Monday, August 23, 2010

Good to know I'm a master of bullshit.

When am I going to learn that throwing myself full-force back into Ana never really fucking works?

This means it's time for something else.

Not only did I binge like a fucker today, I had meat for the first time in two months (gasp... I screwed up multiple things).
So trusty ABC starts tomorrow. Mom and I will be going separate ways tomorrow (meaning, no offers to take me out to lunch), and I'll be power-shopping with all my hard-earned cash (not all of it, just $140.00 of the $400.00 I have left... Yeah, shitty pay for the best job in the world. I'd do it for free, no lie).

I got the cutest skirt today. It's charcoal-grey and pleated. Looks like something out of Harry Potter. And the cutest sweater. Burnt orange, my newest favorite color. Both fit perfectly.
Both are larges.

I could be thankful that it's not extra-large.

I could be.

Instead I hate myself for ever letting myself get this fucking fat.

But at the same time, I'm a new person now.
It's hard to not let myself eat a little something when I'm hungry.
I've gotten used to setting a good example.
I've gotten used to being the role model, who has to clear her plate to show the kids how it should be (mind you, my plate was not quite full to begin with).

And now I have to go back to being the selfish little girl who only cares about herself and her appearance and every little fucking thing that happens to her.
At camp I could put it all aside and worry about the kids.
At home, I have nothing else to worry about.

I hate it this way.


  1. Please be positive, sweetie. You're doing well, and you're lovely! <3

  2. just think of the day you're gonna go to the beach and wear some amazing bikini and everyones gonna look at you and be jealous :) thats what i do <3