Do better.

So I'm actually going to be able to post this week, thanks to guest internet at the college I'm doing a week-long summer program at. I can't say I'm proud of what I ate today (2 grilled cheeses, a large cookie, a caramel macchiato, a caramel frappe) , but I'm proud of what I didn't eat (french fries, bagel, pizza, anything from McDonald's).

It's officially been a whole month (and a few days) since I last ate meat. I signed up to give blood on Saturday, so we'll see what happens, how my iron levels are (I've been bruising really easily lately, so I should get some raisins).

I want to be back at camp so bad right now it hurts.

---

That was from yesterday. I didn't get to finish because it was late, and my roommate and I wanted to sleep.

Charr, don't worry about the whole pot thing too much. :] I'm not like my Skinny Annoying Friend, and I'm not going to turn into a huge pot head and get super-high all the time and be a nasty skank.
Plus the guys I smoke with wouldn't take advantage of me, I'm pretty much positive. One's married, the other has a girlfriend, his twin brother is trying to get another of our coworkers, and the guy I like I'm sure has no sexual interest in me.
Anonymous; thanks for reading my blog! And thanks for the congratulations- it's hard because the cook seriously puts meat in every single thing. I don't want to be an inconvenience, but when all I can eat is bread, and dessert, and carrots, life gets rough. I'm going to be so fat after this week though, there's nowhere to get healthy food. To answer your question, I don't find it difficult keeping my blog a secret. I use a different browser for my ED things than for the rest of my life (Firefox is ED, Safari is Normal Life), so I don't have to worry about clearing the history.
My computer is a laptop, too, so that makes life easier.

I'm addicted to a lot of new music, thanks to my favorite boys at camp (the guy counselors always have the best music, and they have sweet stereo setups. My cabin is the farthest away, and I can still hear their music blasting.

My favorite song right now is "Do Better" by Say Anything. I suggest you listen to it. It's really fucking inspirational.
"You can do better, you can do better. You can be the greatest man in the world."

I'm going to take a nap before my next class. Love you guys. I missed you all too. See ya later! :]

Hey guys.

I'm back for five minutes before I'm off again- this time for a college program. I'm taking a week off from camp, which makes me really sad. I'm going to miss everyone.

This weekend was Staff Weekend. We went to the Renaissance Festival, which was really cool. And so funny. I love the people I work with.

Last night, six of us went and stayed over at this girl's house (she has a house on the same lake as camp. I do to, but hers is right next to camp).
I smoked pot for the first time ever, and had half a beer. Also smoked some Blue Lotus Flower, which is supposed to give you crazy dreams... I had no crazy dreams whatsoeverr.
I didn't even get high, which kind of sucked. Everyone else was totally baked and I was just chilling there laughing at them.


I'm back to 153.6 as of right now, which is a veryvery good thing, considering I consumed massive amounts of pizza this week.




Fuck, I wanna go back to camp.



I miss you guys. I feel like I've completely lost touch. Don't worry though. After camp is over, we'll pick up right where we left off. And maybe I'll be a little skinnier. :]

Reattachment.

I feel detached from my eating disorder.

I mean, it's always there, in the back of my mind, every time all I eat for dinner is a roll with real butter, or when I stuff two grilled cheeses into my mouth.
But it's time to reattach.
Because I GAINED WEIGHT this week.

That means no more cabin food stash.
That means when going to the kitchen at nights is for oranges and melon, not cookies and muffins.
That means that I cannot- WILL NOT- be the girl that D always talks about.
He tells me that she's really fat, and that she wouldn't eat vegetables even though she was a vegetarian- all she ate was cake.

One of the CITs this past week said I looked like her.
My jaw dropped.

When I told D that, he reassured me that I'm a lot smaller.


But I don't believe him.







So I'm reattaching. I'm waking up early and going for a run tomorrow. I'm doing my hair and getting pretty for tomorrow.
I'm going to get the guy that I want, I'm going to get the body I want, I'm going to get the life that I want.


I love you guys.

Hey guys.

I missed you. I've been trying to read your blogs while doing my laundry and making lists of things I need, all in one day.
Hasn't been working too well.


I will not lie to you, my journal entry (yes, single entry this week) is pathetic. As is my weight loss (non-existent).
On Sunday of last week I was 155 (binge monster), after my 153 on Friday.
Today, after a mini-binge last night and breakfast this morning, I am 154.something.

I can see changes on my body, but there are no changes on the scale.
And that kills me.


I know you guys don't really care about this, but I loved my campers this past week. They were so adorable and so wonderful, I just wanted to take all of them home.
Of course, during the week, I couldn't wait for it to be over!
Nothing amazing guy-wise, which I hate. I went kayaking with one guy I've had my eye on... Then he didn't talk to me for pretty much the rest of the week (probably because all the rest of the guys were making comments, like guys do).

Eating was baaad. We have breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, plus a snack before bed, and on nighttime breaks the counselors usually go raid the kitchen.
I raided maybe two nights out the the week?
But it's not like I can openly starve myself at camp. Not when I have little girls copying my every food move.
And that kills me, too.



So, I'll see you guys next week. Hopefully with more exciting things to report on other than my non-existent starvation, amazing campers, and lack of male affection. :]


Love you guys.

Bye.

See you guys on Friday. I'll miss you. :[

Weekly Report (because I have no idea what to call this)

I thought I'd give a brief little introduction to this post before I begin with my journal entries.
First of all, I want to say that even though I was really nervous about this week and getting to know everyone at camp, I am so freaking desperate to go back right now.
Is that weird? Like, after one week, I already feel like we're pretty much as close as family (or at least cousins, if not immediate family) , and we're just going to get closer as the weeks go by.
I do kind of have a crush on someone already. :]
But there's really no way it's going to happen due to some underlying circumstances that may or may not happen later.

Also, even eating three (vegetarian) meals a day, along with some desserts, I have now hit my goal weight of 153. Technically 153.2, but I weighed myself after breakfast (we had breakfast at camp before I came home). :] So that makes me happy.

Alright, I'm going to go grab my journal and start typing shit. Please be prepared, this post is going to be loooooooooooong.

June 27, 2010

Prettiest Disney Princesses
1. Pocahontas
2. Jasmine
3. Ariel
4. Belle
5. Aurora (Sleeping Beauty)


June 28, 2010
Been doing well today, all vegetables except for one piece of bread and a cup of milk. Didn't even go for the cheesecake.
I will not be the girl S (male counselor) talked about... Veggies not cake for me. And I'll be skinny by the end of the summer. So Skinny that everyone will stare when I go back to school. I'll be amazing.
________
So far so good. Not too happy about the whole "getting-to-know-you" team-building exercises. It's surprisingly how different people are from my first impressions. S is exactly like N (guy from my school), with the blonde hair, blue eyes, oh, yeah, and the way he pokes fun at everyone in his path. But during the whole "staff training", I saw a completely different side of him. Props. (Here I was making reference to his seriousness about the campers and camp life)
I'm not sure when M (cabinmate) is going to get back from the boys area. I have my eye on a few already. But shh. I'm not mentioning names in case of enemy capture. I don't really know what I'd do if someone found this shit. Really, no clue. I mean, there's no denying shit written here, right?
I hate being lonely. Of course B and K (two other female counselors, new girls like me) are together and I'm all alone with M. I mean she's really nice and all but she's always with S (who is her boyfriend)... It's hard to get to know someone when they're constantly with someone.
________
Yay. :]


June 29, 2010 (This entry is the absolute longest. Five fucking pages!)

The reason I said "yay" last night was because K, sweet thing that she is, came and invited me to go up with the rest of them to the boys area where they were playing guitar and having a good time.
Fruit and cereal for breakfast. Hopefully veggies for lunch. I have like 25 minutes to kill and I can't waste it all writing... I kinda feel like an outcast already. Usually I come to camp and make a best friend and that's it... But K and B are primed to be best friends because they're together, and M is nice but she doesn't really show any interest i getting to know me. Oh well... Guess I'll just stay lonely all summer. :]
But whatever, you know? I mean, I can lead a group of eight and nine year olds but when it comes to leading people older than me? No thanks. I'm really shy and I'm not sure people realize that. I'm good in small-group settings. Not that they ever need to know the reason why I'm antisocial...
Had lettuce and a few bites of a rice and cheese burrito (it was kind of gross). Dinner was tough to stay away from. The pasta in meat sauce smelled so good... But I had a salad, a piece of bread, some cinnamon apples and half a piece of delicious cakes. It was damn good, too.
I wand to feel like a part of this family. But no one wants to really open up. B and I bonded over raking today but I still have nothing to talk to her about. Oh, but I have a giant popped blister on my right thumb from raking. I wish someone would come invite me to join the party again. Or at least for M to come back. She doesn't have her flashlight, so I can't just go to bed and turn the light off. I mean, who goes to the boys area right after they shower? Come back to the cabin so I can go to bed...
Oh yay...
Took long enough.
I shouldn't make hasty judgments like that. I should use the word "hasty" ever again. Sound like a fucking old woman.
It's weird, I don't swear much while I'm here.
I can't wait to get "archery-certified".
Note to self- bring slippers. It's FREEZING!
I do really need more clothes. Bigger dresser next year, yeah? Or maybe another dresser to stack on top of the one I have.
Jesus it's cold.
I just want to go to sleep. I cant handle 7 hours- I need 12!
Plus I think I'm going to try to shower in the morning, so that means waking up EARLIER.
How long does it take to get a damn fire alarm? Not as long as she's taking.
God, I'm shivering. Burning mad calories, which is definitely a good thing. Second night in a row going to bed, stomach growling. I love camp.
Fuck. I'm on page five. I should write slower. Or smaller.
Probably going to bed soon. Night.
{3




That's where my journal entries end for this week, so apologies. No Wednesday or Thursday, because I actually started having fun. :]
And the guy I kind of like... :] Well, he's cute and veryveryvery tall and funny. Asshole covered me in muck during a photo scavenger hunt. And just posted something on my wall.
So I'm going to go smile like an idiot. :]

Love you guys.
Fill me in on what I missed in your lives.