I need your help!

I'm not even gonna comment on my last few insane/psychotic posts.

BUT I NEED YOUR HELP.

I have to do a senior dance this year, because I'm a senior, and I'm leaving my dance school for college next year.

And I have to pick a song.

And I have no clue!


So I'd love some song suggestions from you guys- Any and all would be much appreciated. :]

I think I'm going insane.

My mental thought process is very quickly degrading.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm not going to edit this post at all so you all can see-the entire internet can see what the fuck is going on inside my head. I swear this is complete what's-it-called shit I don't remember what it's called- STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS.

This is what's going on in my head and dear sweet Jesus, I think I'm finally breaking.
I don't even know what the fuck is wrong with me and I feel like and idiot and K probably thinks I'm an idiot for texting him so much and he probably just laughs at everything I fucking say because that's how ridiculous I am and oh my God I swear I'm fucking psycho.
This doesn't make any sense, I know and it probably seems like this is completely fucking fake but SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME all my thoughts are going too fast and I have a headache... Maybe I'm just pretending to be going crazy- but that's crazy, pretending to be going insane. I've been eating way too much lately, maybe that's it. I'm getting sick, my throat is sore, I only have three more weeks of hell/school left and I can't wait to graduate and I can't wait for fucking college. I don't know how I'm going to handle camp this year I've been such a fucking little kid talking to him he probably thinksKNOWS I'm ridiculous, Jesus I almost spelled "ridiculous" with a fucking "E", like "rediculous"... So much for spelling bee champ.

Blegh.

I binged tonight.
What else is new.

I've decided it's absolutely pointless to try to lose weight while living at home. So I'm just going to try to maintain the 166 for next Sunday, then continue on with my Plan from there.

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself

I hate myself.

I weighed this morning at 167.4. I ate a little extra last night, wanted to boost my metabolism.

At midday, after intense room-cleaning, I was back to 166.2, which was nice.
I had to eat dinner with the family.


I didn't have to eat the entire bag of Starburst Gummies, or the entire bag of chocolate-covered pretzels.

And now I'm 168.4.

I hate myself, and I hate these binges that happen at home.


I didn't purge today or yesterday. It took a lot not to purge after my little 9 p.m. binge tonight. I wanted to so bad.



God, I'm pathetic. I know I say that a lot, and you guys reassure me that I'm not, but I am. I'm pathetic, and no one really pays attention to what I do anymore.
I wish wishing for things actually worked.



Hopefully I can sleep off these two pounds at wake up at the goal for this week, 166.
I hate being at home all day. I really do.

Alright.

So I purged again today, for the fourth day in a row.

I swore I wasn't going to.
And I might not have, were it not for going out with my friend after school. We got frozen yogurt, which is fine in itself, and had I just had the frozen yogurt, I probably wouldn't have purged (it did have strawberries and M&Ms on top, but whatever. I've been doing really well this week, with the exception of all the purging...).

But my friend got two big soft pretzels for herself and made me hold one. I told her not to, that I was going to eat it all.
She told me, "Go ahead."
So I did.
And I purged as soon as I got home.

Got all of the pretzel up, too. A little of the yogurt. The pretzel came up exactly the way it went down... Fast, in big chunks. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't painful or sticky in my throat like bread usually is, probably because of the yogurt.


I need to get out of this purging cycle.

On a brighter note, I woke up this morning at 166.4.

So I've already hit my goal weight for the week.
But I can't start slacking.

Because next week will be hell.
I'll be home almost all week (except for Tuesday and Wednesday- Tuesday I'm going on a college visit, and Wednesday I'm going to party at a completely different college. Yay, college parties!), which means lot of opportunities to purge. And binge. And be generally gross and fat.

I will be 140 by June 12. I will be 140 by June 12. I will be 140 by June 12.

Current measurements vs. old measurements

I know I don't usually post measurements, but I like the tiny differences I see from October 2009 to now.

(And I know ALL these measurements are HUGE)

October 11, 2009
Waist: 36
Hips: 40.5
Bust: (No measurement? Not sure why...)
Arms: 13
Thighs: 26

April 13, 2011
Waist: 32
Hips: 38.5
Bust: 40
Arms: 11.5
Thighs: 24

I know it's not a lot, and it's not as good as over the summer, but it makes me feel like the past three days of starving during the day and purging at night are kind of worth it.

Kind of?

I'm a big fat disappointment (emphasis on FAT)

I'm really fucking upset right now.

My play, the one I spent hours working on, putting every inch of myself and my problems and my soul into, didn't make it to the finals.

I'm a fucking semi-finalist, runner-up, for yet another time in my life.
Always. I'm never first place, always second or third or last.

I really don't mean to bore you guys with depressing shit about my life but it's like bam, bam, bam, this has just been a fucking year of rejections. And it hurts so bad, makes me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. And everything that's happened just proves that.


And I want someone to be here, to hug me when I push them away and realize when nothing's going right and ignore my fake smile when I say I'm fine.

Because I'm not fucking fine, and no one wants to acknowledge that.

Everyone is content to just accept it, because to be honest, no one wants to admit that other people have problems. We want to keep people as these porcelain dolls, who don't have problems. I might have issues, but HER? She's perfect, she doesn't have a care in the world.

Because we don't want to care. We don't give a shit about anything that happens outside our own little world. But we want other people to care.

The world's fucked. No one wants to fix it. Everyone wants someone else to fix it.


Well, fuck it. I'm fixing my own fucking world, one purge, one fast, one day at a time. I'm fixing it my way, and no one's going to fucking stop me.
And I'll come in first place.
And everyone will be jealous.

400

I haven't posted in awhile for a few reasons.

My least selfish reason is that this is my 400th post, and I wanted to save it for something special.

I don't know if this is special enough, but it's my life, my blog, and I'm going to do whatever I want with it.

My plan is to lose 30 pounds by June 12.
That's 62 days.
That's 10 weeks.

I know what you're thinking.
"Wow, Charlie, you're stupid. You know you can't do that."
"Give up now, you know you're just going to binge."


I'm thinking that, too.
But I've planned out every meal this week.
Each day does not exceed 999 calories (most stay within the 500-800 range).

I plan on working out every day, at least 30 minutes.

It's 3 pounds a week, which is difficult, but most definitely not impossible.

So this is my 400th post.
Wow. This sucks.




Hmm.. How to make this interesting.
I dunno.
I'm kind of bingeing right now, which is not good for 12:15 a.m., but I'm writing a fucking essay, so whatever.

Definitely pulling an all-nighter right now.
I haven't done this in awhile.

I just want to sleep forever.

Went to the doctor today, didn't get much of anything. No diagnosis, no meds, no nothing.

I have a low-grade fever, but I'm still getting crazy chills, and right now I'm so cold you'd think it was February.
But it's April, and the house is warm.


I want to stay home again tomorrow. But I think my dad still thinks I'm faking.
He always thinks I'm faking.


So all I need is a fever tomorrow, and I can stay home and sleep all day.





It was nice waking up this morning at 169.8, as I went to sleep at 172.


Now I've fucked it all up by eating so much... I haven't even been hungry.
Someone make me stop eating please. Please.

Fuck.

I'm sorry for being a terrible follower and blogger guys, this past week has been.... Ugh.


Thank you all for your supportive-ass comments, I really appreciate them, and I love every single one of you.


I'm having trouble forming coherent thoughts right now, or at least that's what I'm telling myself.
Somehow, between yesterday and today, I managed to get sick. Body aching, head throbbing, hacking, chilly, miserable sick.
My throat doesn't hurt yet, which is odd, because I always get sore throats when I get sick.


My unicorn Pillow Pet, Larry, keeps me company, because I have no one else who will.



Hah. I'm such a sad sack.
Every time I stand up my head throbs and says, "Sit your ass back down, motherfucker."
Food has no real appeal to me right now.



Which, unfortunately doesn't stop me from shoving it in my mouth.

I'm going to go to bed. I'll probably be home sick tomorrow (hopefully? I do not want to go to school like this), so I'll have time to catch up on all your blogs then.

Love you all. :]