Monday, April 11, 2011

I'm a big fat disappointment (emphasis on FAT)

I'm really fucking upset right now.

My play, the one I spent hours working on, putting every inch of myself and my problems and my soul into, didn't make it to the finals.

I'm a fucking semi-finalist, runner-up, for yet another time in my life.
Always. I'm never first place, always second or third or last.

I really don't mean to bore you guys with depressing shit about my life but it's like bam, bam, bam, this has just been a fucking year of rejections. And it hurts so bad, makes me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. And everything that's happened just proves that.

And I want someone to be here, to hug me when I push them away and realize when nothing's going right and ignore my fake smile when I say I'm fine.

Because I'm not fucking fine, and no one wants to acknowledge that.

Everyone is content to just accept it, because to be honest, no one wants to admit that other people have problems. We want to keep people as these porcelain dolls, who don't have problems. I might have issues, but HER? She's perfect, she doesn't have a care in the world.

Because we don't want to care. We don't give a shit about anything that happens outside our own little world. But we want other people to care.

The world's fucked. No one wants to fix it. Everyone wants someone else to fix it.

Well, fuck it. I'm fixing my own fucking world, one purge, one fast, one day at a time. I'm fixing it my way, and no one's going to fucking stop me.
And I'll come in first place.
And everyone will be jealous.


  1. I'm sorry about your play not making it to the finals, I know you put a lot of work into it.

    There have been countless moments where I've wanted people to look beyond my fake happiness and excuses.
    And even more moments where I'm craved a hug so badly from someone. A genuine hug, not the fake stuff people call hugs.

    We'll do this and we'll show them how amazing we can be :)