Monday, November 23, 2009

An Introduction

I don't know why I'm doing this. I've read pro-Ana blogs in the past, and maybe it's time for me to start my own to stay on the fucking track. God knows I need help with that.
A little background to begin?
I was always an outgoing child. Always. The cute little blonde kid with bangs and curly hair, always had friends, always part of the "cool insertgradehere crowd". In the middle of second grade, my world was turned upside down when the daycare I'd been going to since I was born, practically, got shut down. At first I was cool with it. All my friends were going to this new daycare, and I would be too. We'd have fun.
When third grade rolled around, I'm not really sure what happened. But I do know who I wish I could blame for my eating struggles (right now there's no one to blame but myself). A wonderfully charming girl I'll call "L". L was as thin as a rail, naturally. And don't you just hate those naturally skinny girls? I know I do. My best friends are all that way and it kills me inside. Anyway, back to my story.
I was nine. I still had baby fat, partially from the cheese sticks I loved, partially from the fact that I was only a kid. And this girl took it upon herself to make fun of me constantly. I would come home crying day in and day out from the teasing that went on at that hellhole.
I remember one day, I was wearing a bra (this was in fourth grade). L, being a majorly skinny child, had no hope of developing as much as I would. Let me just tell you, my boobs are still growing, and I'm a junior in high school. She's still flat. She made fun of me that day for wearing a bra. I realize now that I should've made fun of her right back, for being underdeveloped, but at that point she had completely destroyed my self-esteem.
And how does this relate to today? Well, since then, I've been a compulsive over-eater. I ballooned at least ten pounds a year up until ninth grade. I've kept my weight pretty steady, but it's been going up this year, due to some similar torment from a senior boy.
It was when he started teasing me that I turned to Ana and Mia for support. Mia I turned on almost immediately. She makes me feel out of control and I extremely do not like that. Ana, on the other hand, helps me with great results, and no one has even begun to question my weird eating. Thankyoujesus.
I'm kind of rambling, but this is what I do. I do it in my written journal, in my typed journal, on here, in the words jumbling from my mouth consistently. I can never get things right or in order.
Counting calories has become easy for me. However, over weekends, when I'm at home and my mom brings home ice cream and sundae fixings, it gets tough. That's why I hope a blog will help me more than just personal writings. If I fail, it's here for the world to see, not just me.
I want to see some bones.

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