Monday, November 15, 2010

Long Live.

As you guys know, I never ever ever ever lie to you.
What's the point in lying to people who understand you better than your "best friends"?

I could tell you that I had an amazing day and didn't eat anything and I'm so proud.
I could tell you that I binged all day morning noon and night and I fucking hate myself.

But I'm going to tell you the truth.

First, I used my negative reinforcement rubber band all day (and I have quite the welt to show for it. I can't cut- I've tried it, it freaks me out about as much as purging does, which, if you know me, is a WHOLE FUCKING LOT. It makes me feel out of control... Which, I suppose is odd, because it gives other people a feeling of control. Anyway, parenthetical rant over), and it helped a little bit.
I wasn't planning on eating at lunch, but I did. I had a chocolate chip cookie, two cups of water and ice, and a teeny part of a sugar cookie.
Which, all in all, for me is not that bad.
I worked twenty minutes on the elliptical during gym class, burning a little over 130 calories, I think. Maybe 120.
Then went to play practice, had two muffins and a cracker.

Went to the store with my mom, bought a giant bag of candy... And cheese sticks (the swirly kind)...
Came home.
Made a considerable dent in both the bag o' candy and the cheese sticks. Had dinner (which my mom insists on making every night this week.), three quarters of a grilled cheese and a spoonful of tomato soup.

I do fucking hate myself.
But I hate myself less than I would have if I had eaten breakfast.
And lunch.
And candy.
And dinner.

Even though I know the scale will be higher tomorrow than it was today.
I'm just in this total state of fucking apathy.

This is a time to celebrate. Because I have 100 followers, and 12597 page views! -golf clap-

All of the absolutely amazing comments gave me so much strength today. I can't even begin to tell you.
<3 Thank you all so much.


  1. congrats on all your followers! you deserve it - this is a really great blog.
    thanks for being honest. try not to worry too much about the food because it happens to all of us. we just have to make up for it the next day.
    stay strong x

  2. nooo i don't think the scale will be higher, you really didn't have that bad of an intake!! candy has pretty negligible calories so you basically just had a couple muffins, some cheese and a little sandwich. this is *not* terrible at all!! you should think of today as an accomplishment for not binging and try to concentrate on keeping it up :) i hope all goes well <3

  3. your day wasnt even that bad! it can't be over the normal calorie amount. and sometimes, apathy is so scary because it typically makes me gain weight, but sometimes it kinda feels nice. just to stop obsessing for a little while.

  4. @Charlie: yes, of course you can "steal" it^^

    have fun with my text. love ya.

    kate lunacy!!!

  5. Don't give up! Think of the beautiful skinny you that you are going to become! <3 lovelove

  6. Yay for you hun! I'm proud. Just keep going and pushing on. You can do it! HORRAH! LOL. <3

  7. hey you know what i use to disguise my rubber bands i use silly bands instead their really cute and people wont question them.