Fuel to the fire.

Alright, like always, prepare for fail.

Because liquid fast was an epic one.




But something happened today.
I don't know, something clicked. Something just happened.
It also had something to do with the lone dollar I had for lunch.
So I had a yogurt.
And lots of water.
Lots of water.

Cheer practice: owe coach five sets of suicides.

Go through. Can't breathe. Push through anyway. Feel like bursting into tears. Refrain from crying, refrain from puking.
Done. Catch breath, drink water, relax.

Pack of Starbursts. Five or six mini Halloween-candy bars.
Step on the scale.
167.4



Dinner tonight?
Maybe an egg and slice of toast.
Nothing more.
I'm feeling good.
:]


Love you guys. Thanks for believing in me even when I fail over and over and over and over... (you get it).

Tomorrow is liquid fasting/Charlie gets all her damn shit together. I have three pages full of lines in Oedipus to memorize, a three to five page paper to write (on the psychological/mental transformations in "The Metamorphosis"), a mask to make (for performing Oedipus) and two posters to beautify.


Tomorrow is going to be hell.

300

I wanted this post to be something monumental, something amazing.

That's why it's taken me so long to get it up here.
(That, and the fact that I'm fucking EXHAUSTED.)



I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Weight is stable (but high- too high)



So, new plan is in effect: starve, starve, starve.
Oh, and maybe get off my lazy fucking ass and exercise, maybe?





My nails are freshly painted (Here Today... Aragon Tomorrow by OPI. It's a dark forest green. Appropriate for fall, in my personal opinion), my hair is freshly washed (as is the rest of me), and I am freshly ready to continue my journey to thin.

Au revoir, loves. <3

New goals.

1. Fit into Roxy jeans (size 11) comfortably (that means LOOSE) by after-Thanksgiving camp party (November 26th).
2. Outshrink (not a word, I know, but it would be lovely) adorable dress from Forever 21 (so cute, it's red satin-y fabric, poofy, with a bow in the front!) by Semi-formal (December 11th).
3. Fit into National Honor Society shirt (who the FUCK ordered me a small?!? Was that me?!? What the hell, Charlie!) by 2011 (January 1st).
4. Be a lot lighter by my birthday (February 3rd).
5. Have most of gut-flab gone by spring (March 20th).
6. Be bathing-suit-ready by the last day of school (May 22nd).
7. Be sexy in a white dress for graduation (June 5th).
8. Have a bikini (and look good in it!) by the time camp starts (June 26th).



Maybe these goals will be more productive than number-based goals. I'm sick of the fucking scale anyway...


Oh, and thanks to red's comment (by the way, we probably are the same person. Let's bond over it), I now have a Twitter! It's charlotterose8, and I'm going to put something to do with it over in the sidebar. :]
So follow me, I'll follow you, we can follow each other...... -seductive eyebrow raise-

No but seriously.


Shit, how can I be fucking serious at a time like this?!?!?!

I'm going psycho.
And this stupid boy texted me again.
At five o fucking clock in the morning.









YOUMAKENOSENSE.

At the end of the day, I'm 169.4.

And happy about it, considering two nights ago after a binge I was 176. Binges make sense as Auntie Flo has now come to town like a motherfucker. The last period I got was so light I barely knew it was there. Not so much with this one.
Too much?
Oh well.




I'm still so confused about this guy business.
It doesn't make sense.
Why are you talking to me NOW?
A year ago, I would've been ecstatic. I would been all over this shit.

Now?
I can't stop thinking about K, the adorable guy from camp who was as awkwardly quiet around me as I was around him (for the most part. We were good friends, legit).
Now?
I need to focus on senior year, not this bullshit.
Now?
I really could care less that your ex-girlfriend is a whore (truth, she is, and I could've told you that when you first started dating).


Now?
I love you guys. You and your wonderful encouraging comments even when I'm just being a slacker in life.

Now..
It's time for sleep.

Because of my schedule right now, I. Can't. Starve.



And it's pissing me off.
Because I have to give blood in two weeks, because I can't get dizzy at cheerleading, because I just don't know.


So, my goal to get through the next through weeks sane and NOT FATTER is to eliminate bingeing. And worry about the starving secondarily.


I said last night I didn't have stories.
And when I posted, I didn't.
Then out of fucking nowhere, a guy that I've known all my life, that I was completely in love with for most of my life, texted me after not talking to me. At 1:30 in the fucking morning.
We talked until almost 4:00 a.m., then we were talking tonight.

I'm pretty sure he just fucking annoys me now.



Isn't that funny? This guy, who I've been wishing for so long would talk to me finally starts. But the guy I really want to talk to I'm pretty sure thinks I'm just a fucking annoying little kid.



I love all your comments. :] Thank you so much. They put a smile on my face when everything else is a mess. <3

Starting my life over tomorrow.
Because I'm too fucking fat.



I don't even feel any initiative to make a change, either.
I just want an easy way out.
But there is no easy way out.

It's either starve and get thinner, or don't starve and get fatter.

And, let's be honest, no one ever wants to get fatter, no matter what those naturally skinny bitches say.

I wish I had stories to tell you.
But I have no guys, my friends are, well, annoying, and I don't talk to my friends from camp like, at all.
I have my road test scheduled for next week.
Yeah, that's right, I'm almost eighteen and still don't have my license.



I realize I'm rambling. I have to go to sleep so I can wake up in five hours.
I took a four hour nap today. It was amazing.



Goodnight. I love you all, thank you for your kind words. :]

Losing track of time.

And of my appetite.

What the fuck?
How did I let myself go so far as to get to a weight I haven't weighed since FEBRUARY 2010?!

Shocker: It's like squeezing into a fucking sausage roll when I try on a dress I bought three weeks ago.

Three weeks ago, it was too big in the chest.
This week, my tits barely fit in it.



I don't know where I'm going with my life here.


I don't have the energy to rant, so I'll go get some fucking cookies and milk and do some fucking homework.
And attempt to get into college.

Sacreligious.

Warning: RANT. If you don't care, don't read.


I really, really, really hate religion.
Of all forms.

Because no matter how many sane, rational people there are, there are always those few religious nuts.
Like Muslim extremists.
Because of them, simple-minded people now view Islam as this horrible religion that condones terrorism, etc.
Like Christian extremists.
Who take a book written by biased old men hundreds of years ago literally.
Like this guy who was going to burn as many copies of the Qur'an as he could on September 11.

I was baptized Methodist.
I don't go to church anymore.


To me, church is just a big conglomeration of fake, hypocritical people who act holy, but aren't really.
At least I can fucking admit to it.
I feel like a lot of violence could have been prevented if there were no religions in the world.
The Crusades, for one.

I'm spiritual.
I'd like to think I'm a moderately spiritual person.


But take your shit religion and stuff it down the throat of someone else please.

/endrant.

----

On a different note, my 48 hour fast was a (total) bust, but I'm trying something new. I'll tell you about it if it fucking works.
Holy mother of shit, I'm fat.

Clean.

I went on some sort of hyper cleaning-spree today. My room looks mostly (grossly) clean.
I'm shocked.
Am I turning into one of those weird orderly people?

Dear God, I hope so.


@Lost In Space; I had no idea that people (well, women) could actually feel ovulation. But I think that's exactly what it is. So odd!
As for the 48 hour fast, I'm in. Don't know how long I'll last, but I'm in. :]

Anyone else care to join?




In other news, I've decided that I'm far too busy for boys.
This is meant to replace my "not caring" thing, which didn't work out.



Of course, once I decide I'm too busy, they ALL wanna talk.
Whatever. Talk to the hand.
I'm busy improving myself.
Starting with the flab that grace my body so ungracefully.

48 hours starts at 12:00 p.m., let's do this!

Sick of trying to write witty titles.

I'm still feeling irrelevant, though that's not my point tonight.



What is my point?
Lemme get back to you on that one.


Had a (relatively) good day, compared to my usual days. Still had a little mini-binge a few hours ago with some cheese and some crackers and some watermelon sherbet...

What is it about the sun going down that makes me want to shove food down my gullet?
(Not gonna lie, it made me really happy to use the word "gullet" in a sentence right there.)
Not to mention the fact that I've literally been waiting since six o'clock for a text from a boy that just arrived a little under an hour ago.

WHAT DO YOU DO IN COLLEGE THAT REQUIRES A FIVE HOUR REPLY-RATE?!?
(That was rhetorical, my dears)


Sigh.
Maybe once I'm in college, I'll understand.
Fuck, I want to go so badly.
But first I need senior year, college apps, college rejections, hopefully a few college acceptances, another summer... and THEN I can go to college.

Also, I've been getting this pain in my left side for some hours now... Approximately where my ovary is? I know, random... But it's like this twinge-y sort of pain. Nothing shocking, nothing un-handle-able. But kind of annoying.


Anyway... let's see.
Update on food intake? Check.
Pointless mini-rant about the opposite gender? Check.
Random biological observation? Check.

I seem to have covered all the basics. I have nothing left to say to you.
Except I love you. :]

Living for myself.

I took a few days (well, I was forced to take a few days), went to the family lake house, and contemplated.

While I pondered the meaning of life, and why he hasn't talked to me in two weeks, and stayed up until four in the morning, simply because I couldn't fall asleep, I came to a conclusion as to why it's been so difficult for me to get back into the swing of starving (p.s., I didn't come to this conclusion by myself. I had a little help from a post by OhMyGosh).

For all my seventeen years, I've been living simply for myself.
My binges were for me.
My starvation was for me.

For eight weeks this summer, I didn't live for me.
I lived for five to six kids per week.
I lived for all the boys and girls cabins that came through Nature to spend time hiking and playing games and finding creatures in the stream.
I lived for the other counselors, who quickly became some of my best friends.


And now that I'm back at home, I'm struggling to figure out who to live for.






Okay, okay, okay, I realize that sounds like I'm some depressed, suicidal kid.
I swear, I'm not. :]

Because now that I don't have to live for them, I'm living for me in the ways that I used to, before starving became my way of living for me.


(That means by eating. A lot.)





So excuse me while I go finish the ice cream that's in the freezer. And whatever else we have that's delicious.



And tomorrow, maybe I'll start living properly again.

Losing.

And not in the way I'd like.


Food was eaten yesterday (and today), due to dizzy spells at practice.



I feel like I'm losing relevance in my life.
And I have no idea how to get it back.




Suggestions? (Besides getting skinny, of course. I'm already working on that one...)

Have faith in me.

It's a good song, you should listen to it.

It's by A Day To Remember. ADTR and Say Anything have become my new addictions.

And Lucky Charms.

But that's another story.

That we're actually going to discuss right now.

Here's my plan for tonight. Go downstairs, eat a big fucking bowl of Lucky Charms, and fall asleep down there, because it's too fucking hot for August.

And then starve. For a few days.

I don't PLAN on eating until the football game on Friday (passing out during stunting would be a very very very bad idea).

However, since you all know me, and know I'm a fucking fatass douchebag, you know that I'll probably be eating first thing tomorrow morning.

And tomorrow afternoon.

And tomorrow evening.

I meant to tell you guys a story.

One of my nights off this summer, we were driving around, picking people up (like one of the guys' girlfriend, one of the guys' wife, etc.) and we were going to go to the movies. I kept getting stuck in the bitch seat (middle back seat, you know). Finally got out of it, and had some space when one of the guys got dropped off at his car, and then one of the other guys is like, "Oh, can we pick up my girlfriend?", so we're off, and the guy I was sitting in the backseat with starts making fun of me saying I'm stuck in the bitch seat. And her boyfriend, who had shotgun goes, "Oh don't worry it'll be fine. She's like, TINY."

Long story short I ended up bitch seat again, but the point of that was the way he described her.

Like it was GODLY to be that small, like he worshipped her for that (and she is tiny, maybe five foot two, and skinny as fuck. The nicest thing, too. I was jealous all night).

Anyway, that was my "eating disorder epiphany moment" of the summer. And I figured I'd take some time and share it with you. It probably makes NO sense at all, because I'm exhausted right now.

But there. A proper post.

Lucky Charms, here I come.