Tuesday, March 8, 2011


So, if you've been an avid reader of my blog (hah), you know my obsession with epiphanies, and how I have them sporadically, but when I do, they're like a, "Holy crap giant realization about my life," sort of thing.
Or, at least, in my head they are.

Well I had an epiphany recently that I've been meaning to share with you guys.
Actually, two, I just realized one in the shower tonight (it's where I do all my best thinking).

First Epiphany
I really don't care too much about what my body looks like at this point.
I mean, I obviously do, because I'm a fat slobby pig.

But it's not what motivates me anymore.
What motivates me is
1) The euphoria from vomiting (yeah, I know, gross, but it's like a little adrenaline rush).
2) The feeling of hurting (like from my stomach hurting, like from my head hurting from not eating, like from my throat hurting from purging).

The second one, in my mind, is complex, because I hate pain. I hate physical pain, I hate bleeding, which is why I don't cut (I've said I hate throwing up in the past, so who knows, maybe I'll cut some day).
But see, when I'm hurting mentally, the only thing that feels right is to hurt physically as well. Because then maybe the mental pain will hurt less.

(Also, I like talking in parentheses. But we knew that.)

Second Epiphany
I'm an artist. Maybe not the best artist in the world, but I'm an artist. I love fine arts, creative arts, if I can put my hands on it and create, I like it.

I think that's why I like fucking with my body and my weight.
Because it's the only thing I can change without like, surgery.
I mean, I can change my hair color, but that doesn't last long.
And I can paint my nails.
But nothing says "CREATE" like shaping my body into something new.

Who knows? After I get skinny, maybe I'll be like that lady who wants to weigh 1,000 pounds and just get really really fat.

Probably not.


  1. I love you and your parentheses :)

    Xx. Lillie

  2. I completely understand trying to use physical pain to block out or overpower or lessen mental/emotional pain. I hope you won't always feel like you need to do it that way, but I know it has its advantages too.

    And I hope things go better for you at college. It's awful, the things parents can do to their kids without fully realizing it.

    And congratulations on your play! That's awesome!

  3. I always do the"..." thin and use" so you are awesome
    You are as I like to call myself a "Body Artist".
    I like to carve myself to my idea of perfect. I like the pain of"carving" and creating my body.It's an obsession. A never ending "art Project". I'm a real piece of work. lol