Bye-bye, 2010.

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.
-Maya Angelou

I will be the butterfly. I will change, I will be beautiful.
So, goodbye 2010, with your multiple fat zeros.
I'll only miss those eight weeks of summer at camp.
But luckily, in 2011, with it's multiple thin ones, I get to go back again.
And this time, I'll be thin and beautiful.
And everyone will want me, want to be me.

But no one will know my secret.

I have to get skinny, faster than ever. I have college auditions in a month. I'll be eighteen in a month, and I have to be skinny when I get my tattoo.
I'm going to get it on my ribs... Might be nice if ribs were actually visible.
Fat chance.

"Rien ne pèse tant que un secret."
or
"Mais moi je ne t'oublierai pas."

One of those will be my tattoo.
I've always wanted my tattoo to be in French. Even though I don't take it anymore, I love the language. It's so beautiful...
And French women are nearly always perfection.


So goodbye, fat, chunky, gross, disgusting, obnoxious, cellulite-covered 2010.
And hello to thin, beautiful, loveable, worthy, slim 2011.


edit:
This is too perfect: I have 111 followers on the eve of 2011. :]

Why thinner is better than fatter.

1. When thin people are pale, they look smaller, more fragile. When fat people are pale, they look chunkier.
2. When thin people wear oversize clothing, they look delicate and tiny. When fat people wear oversize clothing, they look bigger.
3. When you're thin, you don't have to worry about being too heavy to sit on people's laps.
4. Fatties don't look good in anything, really.
5. Everyone thinks it's great when you're thin. It's a compliment when you're "so tiny". It's disgust when you're "so big".
6. When you're fat, people think you're out of control. When you're thin, people think you can handle anything.
7. Thin people are always perceived as happy. Whether or not it's true, don't you want people to THINK that at least?
8. Weigh the options: ogre versus fairy. Which do you want to be?






(( Let's all keep in mind, for you assholes who feel like getting offended, I'm fucking fat as hell. :] Thanks! C: ))

I ate.
Approximately 1600 calories. Gross.


I have a new calorie-tracker app for my iPod Touch. It's nice. Reminds me of all my giant failures.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll sleep through the night for the first time since Wednesday.

I'm bingeing right now.

Just thought you all should know the extent of my failure.

On the bright side, my dad, who I usually hate, decided to be nice for Christmas, and get me a Taylor guitar (it's absolutely lovely, sounds like a dream), a Loudbox Mini acoustic amp, a mic and mic stand, and my mom, who I usually love, but don't usually like, got me an iPod Touch.
So, overall decent Christmas haul (even though it's not really about the presents, is it? Hardy har har...).

Anyway, I'm bingeing now, on popcorn and chocolate chip cookies. Last night, I ate an entire box of couscous all by myself.
So, all in all, I'm a mother fucking failure. And this mother fucking failure is starting a liquid fast tomorrow. Tomorrow, because today's a bust. I know people always say, "Don't start tomorrow, start today!", but I can't do that. I need a new day, fresh start. And I don't like to start in the middle of the week either, I prefer to start on a Monday.
Liquid fast will go until January 1st, preferably. Not sure if I can get through a New Years Party without food (fingers crossed). I'll say I ate before I came, but you know me: Binge Monster Ahoy.


Love you guys. Hope the holidays aren't sucking too bad for you. <3

Her.

She gets everything I want. She has everything I want.
It's not fair.
It's not fucking fair.
She has the body I want.
She won the first singing contest.
Now she has my part.
All because she's skinny.

I just purged for the first time in a year because of this.
It's so much easier now.
I'm not scared of it anymore.


All I had today was a white-chocolate and peppermint covered pretzel stick and a chocolate Frosty from Wendy's.
It's now down the toilet and I smell like vomit.

This just ruined my Christmas.

Inadequacy.

There's this girl, see.
And she can sing okay.... But her voice isn't as strong as mine (not bragging, I'm really not trying to brag, it's just not).
And she can dance okay.... But she can't dance as well as me (again, not bragging, I've just had more training than her).

But SHE'S going to get MY part, the one I've had my heart set on since my director announced the musical.
Because she's thin and beautiful.





And maybe if I had tried a little fucking harder, I could be thin and beautiful too.
But I'm not.
And I'm not going to get the part.
And I'm going to be heartbroken.
And I already am.
And I can't fucking stand it.
And I can't help thinking to myself, maybe if I hadn't eaten at lunch, maybe if I didn't eat at all.




Nothing goes right.

Gained today.
Stable throughout the day.


Not eating tomorrow. I know I told you guys all about this last year, but it's been audition season for my school's spring musical. I really, really want the lead, but I just know it's going to go to this tiny skinny girl who always gets the lead.




So, that's why I'm not eating.
Except not really, I probably will eat.
Fucking fatass.

Hate my dad.

You know how much I hate my dad.
I go off about it nearly every month.


Today, like yesterday, we had family dinner. I have no fucking clue why, there's no need. I could've gone without scarfing food.


Whenever we eat meals together, he goes on and on about his workouts and how many calories are in such and such food. I mentioned that my friend was bringing Oreo balls for me tomorrow, because I asked her to make them for me (yeah, I know, such a fatass). I was describing to my mom what was in them, and my dad bursts in with, "Yeah those sound like the kind of things that have about 1,800 calories in just one."

I bring the brownies out for dessert, my dad says, "When I see these, all I can think of is how just one is an entire workout, you know?"
Then he proceeds to take the biggest brownie of the bunch, looks at it, and says, "No, this has WEIGHT. This is at least two workouts!"

I took the smallest brownie and ate it slowly, as he gobbled his down. I hate him.


Because, honestly, Dad, all I can think of when I see brownies is how long I'm going to starve after eating one. And for the record, working out doesn't entitle you to eat as much as you fucking want. You complain about how you can't lose weight- It's because you eat like a fucking monster!

I may have gained nearly all my weight back, but you gained all of your weight back and then some.
I also can lose up to two pounds in a day, if I really try.
Suck on that, asshole.

Pissed at myself...
What else is new.

Gained 0.4 pounds from yesterday (171.8 this morning... Well, afternoon really, it's 3:24)


Gross.
Feel fat. Look fat.
What else is new.


On another note, my fucking uterus can suck my dick.
No, really.
My stomach hurts so bad right now, I just want to get this over with.


I only got my period once over the summer, in early July.
Come late August, I had a really weird period, it was the least amount of blood that has ever come from my vajayjay. Like, literally nothing.
Sorry if this is TMI.

I want to go back to that.

Explain to me.

Someone please explain to my why my body looks better now, at 172 pounds, than it did the same time last year, at 168 pounds?

I mean, yeah I lost weight and gained it back, but wouldn't my body look worse then?

Fuck, it still looks like shit, so what does it matter.

I'm going to go try and sleep off some of the two packages of Pop-tarts and three cherry candy canes I just ate, then maybe go work out.


Woke up at 171.4 today, three pounds down from Thursday.

Pissed as fuck.

Basically got called a butterface today.
(for those unaware, that's "everything's good... but her face.")


See, this really pisses me off, because the only thing I ever liked about myself was my face.
Now I have nothing to like.



What happened was, I was talking to a friend, and she goes, "Oh, I have to tell you something. This guy said that the perfect girl would be your body with this other girl's head."
Now first of all, I know for a fucking fact that my body in unattractive.
And second of all, this girl is GOOFY looking.
Third of all the guy is ugly as sin, but that's beside the point.


So basically, I'm ugly all around.
Fuck. At least if I was skinny, other people besides this nasty fucker would think I'm somewhat attractive.


I think I'm going to go cry again.
It doesn't matter how little I ate today.
Because the fact stands that I ate.
And that's not good enough.

Charlie's "Get Healthy" Plan.

This is not a disease, Charlie. You know that, so stop pretending.
You are not fucked up for wanting to be thin and healthy.
You are not fucked up for having to do it your own way.
It's not your fault your metabolism can't handle normal amounts of food without massive weight gain.
It's not your fault you took to bingeing to get rid of negative feelings.

But it's time for you to turn your life around.

Therefore,

CHARLIE'S "GET HEALTHY" PLAN
(unabriged)

Rules:
1. If eating, healthy foods only (see lists of healthy and unhealthy foods).
2. Limit intake of calorie-filled beverages (see list of beverages to avoid/eliminate).
3. Work out at least 30 minutes a day. Doesn't matter what. Walk, run, ellipse, bike, dance. Just do it for (at least) thirty straight minutes.
4. Meditate at least 10 minutes a day, write in journal every day.
5. Get at least eight hours of sleep (this means GO TO BED).
6. Do your homework.
7. Lotion every night. It's winter now, idiot.
8. No popping pills to go to sleep.

Healthy foods:

* Carrots
* Lettuce
* Croutons, but only if in a salad
* Salad dressing, but only if on a salad, and only if it is the "light" version
* Cucumber
* Kiwi
* Celery
* Apples
* Grapes
* Bananas (but ONLY in moderation)
* Tomato soup
* Rice cakes, unflavored
* Pomegranates
* Cottage cheese
* Eggs
* Yogurt
* Other miscellaneous fruits and vegetables

Unhealthy foods:

* Candy
* Chocolate (which is DIFFERENT from candy, and you know that)
* Chips
* Fried food
* Meat
* High-calorie nuts
* Trail mix
* Ice cream
* Cake
* Cheesecake
* Cookies
* Cupcakes
* Brownies
* Cheese
* Bread
* Bagels
* Cream cheese
* Butter
* Popcorn
* Pizza
* Gummies
* Lollipops

Beverages to limit:

* Opaque juices
* Clear juices
* Low-fat skim milk
* Hot chocolate
* Coffee

Beverages to eliminate:

* Full-calorie sodas (exception: Bob Marley Drink)
* Any more than 1% milk
* Milkshakes
* Smoothies (unless as a substitute for a meal)

I don't get it.

I've eaten at least, if not more, than 10,000 calories in the past 24 hours.

Two full packages of Pepperidge Farm cookies, three quarters of a bowl of angel hair pasta with butter, two giant bars of chocolate, two pieces of chocolate cheesecake, seven red Tootsie Pops, handfuls upon handfuls of sunflower seeds, glasses upon glasses of milk, four mini croissants, three mini chocolate chip cookies, probably more that I'm forgetting.

And somehow, I'm only 1.4 pounds heavier than yesterday morning.
I expected to be at 179, 180.
I'm at 173.6.


And fuck it, I cried.
How the fuck did I get this fat?


I know you guys think I'm this great person, and I'm not really sure how I convinced you of that. I'm a bitch to my parents, I lie to them about nearly everything, I procrastinate nearly everything, I binge daily, I'm not nice to my friends, I only have maybe two people at school who actually like me, I make fun of other people on a daily basis, occasionally for their weight, though I shouldn't really be one to talk, I make snap judgments about people that usually turn out not to be true, I hate people for stupid reasons like not paying enough attention to me.

Basically I'm a big old fat bag of disgustingly putrid AWFULNESS.

I cried reading your comments, because I know, deep down in my heart that I'm NOT a good person, that I DON'T deserve to be happy, and I'm not worthy of anything. I cried myself to sleep Friday night. I'm fucking crying right now.
Maybe I'm just fucking PMSing.

But shit, whenever I look in the mirror, all I can think is, "What the fuck did you ever do to give you the right to have all this fucking shit? You're not grateful. You're not thankful. You're not worthy."

NW

Fasting didn't go so well.
I've found new joy in bruising myself.
Never liked cutting. Too much flesh.
I hate the word flesh.

But bruises are nice.
Purpley-blue, green, yellow-brown.
And bruises can have a logical explanation, unlike cuts on my wrists or thighs.



I have a giant, red-sharpie NW on my hand.
For "Not Worthy".

I figured it out.

Why I've been bingeing, I mean.

And it's NOT because I'm happy.
Because, I think if I really was happy I wouldn't be bingeing.

But thank you peanut, not.quite.ana, and Lost In Space for those wonderful comments. They really made my day. :]

I think what's been triggering my binges lately has been my parents. Whether it's my dad saying, "Oh, I'm starting a new workout plan, you should join me, blah blah blah, I'll get you in shape," or my mom saying, "What are you talking about, you have no control when it comes to food, blah blah blah, this is my fault, food is comfort to me too, your issues with food are all my fault."

News flash. My disordered eating (it's been a long time since I've called it an eating disorder. Because really, it's not an eating disorder. It's just eating patterns that are a bit fucked up) is NOT ABOUT YOU. It's about ME.

Anyway, now that that's all figured out, and I've successfully binged the day away (gross) I think I'm going to fast tomorrow.

Or for the rest of my life.

I know

I keep disappearing.

And I'm sorry.


I've lost something.

My motivation.
Well, it's there.
So maybe I lost all my willpower.

And I can't blame it on hormones.
Because I'm not about to get my period.

And I can't blame it on being unhappy.
Because at the moment, I'm not particularly unhappy.


Maybe I can blame it on being happy.
Yeah, that sounds legit.

Shit.

And I do mean literal shit, as in poop, as in fecal matter, as in in the toilet.

((This part of the post is going to be T.M.I., so I won't be offended if you skip it.))
So I woke up at 169.2 this morning.
Which was a pleasant surprise from the 170.2 that I ended up with yesterday morning (despite the fact that I saw it coming).

And I haven't really taken a good shit in about two days.
Everything finally came out tonight. Kind of grossly, I must say. I'd been feeling sick to my stomach all day, cramps and such. Knew it wasn't my period, because I just got my period a week ago (fuck that), so I figured it was something else.
And even after eating so much today, after taking such a gigantic dump, I was 168.0, and blissfully happy.
8 hours of sleep at night is doing me good.

((T.M.I. section is over.))


I realized I missed my blog's One Year Anniversary, so happy belated One Year Anniversary, Broken Mirrors!

-throws confetti-

I've come a long way from then.
I don't recommend reading my entries from last year... They are.... well, to put it nicely, PATHETIC.
From my very first post: "If I fail, it's here for the world to see, not just me."

Wise, wise words, young one.