Sunday, December 12, 2010

I don't get it.

I've eaten at least, if not more, than 10,000 calories in the past 24 hours.

Two full packages of Pepperidge Farm cookies, three quarters of a bowl of angel hair pasta with butter, two giant bars of chocolate, two pieces of chocolate cheesecake, seven red Tootsie Pops, handfuls upon handfuls of sunflower seeds, glasses upon glasses of milk, four mini croissants, three mini chocolate chip cookies, probably more that I'm forgetting.

And somehow, I'm only 1.4 pounds heavier than yesterday morning.
I expected to be at 179, 180.
I'm at 173.6.


And fuck it, I cried.
How the fuck did I get this fat?


I know you guys think I'm this great person, and I'm not really sure how I convinced you of that. I'm a bitch to my parents, I lie to them about nearly everything, I procrastinate nearly everything, I binge daily, I'm not nice to my friends, I only have maybe two people at school who actually like me, I make fun of other people on a daily basis, occasionally for their weight, though I shouldn't really be one to talk, I make snap judgments about people that usually turn out not to be true, I hate people for stupid reasons like not paying enough attention to me.

Basically I'm a big old fat bag of disgustingly putrid AWFULNESS.

I cried reading your comments, because I know, deep down in my heart that I'm NOT a good person, that I DON'T deserve to be happy, and I'm not worthy of anything. I cried myself to sleep Friday night. I'm fucking crying right now.
Maybe I'm just fucking PMSing.

But shit, whenever I look in the mirror, all I can think is, "What the fuck did you ever do to give you the right to have all this fucking shit? You're not grateful. You're not thankful. You're not worthy."
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6 comments:

  1. heather[hunger]December 12, 2010 at 3:46 PM

    i miss you too!!!
    i feel like this alot. like people you guys like me, but in real life i only have my roommate and her bf, and my bf, and occasional people i meet, but no real friends, and i know its because deep down im just as disgusting and horrible as the world sees me, and that must be why i dont have any real friends anymore :/
    im trying so hard not to binge :'(
    it's not really working.

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  2. not.quite.anaDecember 12, 2010 at 3:58 PM

    believe me, i've had the exact same thoughts as you and i know what it's like to just hate everything about yourself... it can be overpowering. it makes me think that no matter what weight i get to i'll always be this fat ugly horrible human being so what's the point? the only thing that keeps me going is the hope that something, ANYTHING will change when i'm thinner. that this illusive happiness i keep searching for will be right around the corner. now, this is only in my case, but i'm sure that you can relate to what i'm saying... we can always change and no matter how we decide to go about it, the important thing is that we CAN. you truly honestly 100% deserve to be happy and the fact that you are telling us that you're not a good person just proves that you are.

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  3. AnonymousDecember 12, 2010 at 5:39 PM

    So you've made a few mistakes these past few days. And you're not the kindest person (neither am I). But who really is? You blog from the depths of your soul. We get to see what's inside, and not the facade you put on daily. Based on that, we know you're not a bad person. You're human. Sure, you don't think you deserve to be happy. But doesn't everyone deserve to have one thing that makes them feel good? Is that criminal? You do deserve it. If you can recognize that you're "not grateful", you've at least got a conscience. You're worthy of the world, love. You really are <3

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  4. AnonymousDecember 13, 2010 at 7:55 AM

    baby girl, it's perfectly ok. and you know what? the thing that makes me think your still a good person is the fact that you are self aware. because only if your self aware can you do something about it. Do you realize how great you could be if you just put effort into changing what you don't like about yourself? if we still like you now, think about how many people would be obsessed with you once you altered the way you do some stuff?

    (if you don't believe in God, feel free to omit this next paragraph, its long as hell anyway. i DO NOT want to be the kind of christian that shoves dung in peoples faces who completely think otherwise, i just figured I'd share what makes this life worth it for me :) )
    We all do these things. I procrastinate, hate my body, am not as nice to people as I should be, judge people, lie to people, and everything else in between. but I still think i'm worthy. I know that I am worthy of happiness, and I've been told I'm worthy of the lord's love and mercy; why he still loves me after all the shit i've pulled, he only knows. I am an embarrassment to him everyday, yet he still reaches out for me, wanting to pull me through the dark. what he wants is for us to realize that he's put us in this world because we are worthy of everything he has in store for us (i PROMISE he has something so grand in store for you if you just allow him to do his do in your life). he didn't give the happiness in the world to us to taunt it in our face, then pull it away before we can grab it. he put us in this world so we can become the people he meant for us to be, and we can be happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm no better than you. I'm in no way perfect. but the thing that helps me be happy is the knowledge that if I just continue to improve my relationship with God and let him take the burdens of my life off my shoulders, my life is immaculately better. Even if tons of shit is going on in my life, I am still happy because I know thats how God needs it to be done for his purpose, and in the end it will shape me the person I'm supposed to be.

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  5. hanrietta grayDecember 13, 2010 at 7:30 PM

    when i pmsing i cry to the glee episodes....
    i'm no help lol i'm sorry

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  6. JessDecember 14, 2010 at 9:55 AM

    I completely know what you mean. i feel the same. I come on blogger and write about how "i finally can do it. i have this plan or that plan and it's just going to happen this time." but it never does. life gets in the way, i get in my own way, or more recently i get sick and feel like shit and just give in to any and all cravings because i don't have the energy to resist. I have also written "Not Worthy" on my wrist. maybe that will remind me to put the fuckin food down and stop being such a fatass.

    Just know that you're not alone.

    ReplyDelete

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