Thank you guys for your comments.
I really appreciate it. I've purged three four times in the past two days.
Five times in the past week.
Once with my parents both in the house.
Once with a friend in the house.
And mostly when it's just me.


But I've been being good lately, aside from the purging.
I have, I swear.
The only calories I've consumed other than those I've purged have been cottage cheese every night (1/4 cup, 60 calories), hot chocolate every morning, sometimes the afternoon (150, when I make it at home), and Marley's Mellow Mood Green Tea with Honey every night (120, it's the only thing that helps me sleep at night).


I'm eighteen a week from January 27 (yesterday).
I'm so excited.
I can finally get my tattoo (I won't until I'm thinner; I think I'm going to get something to cover the bright red stretch marks on my left hip instead of writing on my ribs). I'll probably wait until after graduation so I have some cash.
And I can get my cartilage pierced (I probably won't though, I have a long history of infections in my ears due to a possible nickel allergy. Now almost anything that goes in my ear piercings makes them infected).


This is kind of long, sorry.
And not very interesting.
I had some really interesting dreams last night.
Interesting to me anyways...


Love you all. :]

No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares.

No one cares.

Four minutes.

That's all it takes.

Four minutes to get rid of dinner (one egg, scrambled, and six strawberries, cut into four pieces each) and dessert (one banana, cut up, with multicolored sprinkles on top).

It's honestly becoming an OCD-like thing for me.
If there's no food in my stomach, I'm happy.
Once I start eating, it's hard to stop.
And once there's food inside, I have to get it out.
Because it doesn't feel right being in there.
And once it's out, everything feels better.


Maybe I'm over-dramatizing this. Probably.

But I gotta say, bingeing and purging ice cream twenty minutes before taking a midterm exam isn't exactly my proudest moment.


I bought Wasted today.
I'm excited to read it.
I started, and had to stop, because I had to go to a wake (wakes really creep me out, but it was a girl from my team's grandmother who died, so I was obligated to pay my respects).
But shit, a lot of the stuff she writes, it's like... Holy crap. I do that.
And I'm sure I'm not the only one who has said that, but...
Holy crap.



And so I bid you adieu for now.
Not that anyone cares...

Just ate so much...

God, I'm fat.

It's been a wild ride...

Here on Blogger, anyway.

I just don't find much time to post the story of my life anymore. Or maybe I'm just lazy. Tumblr is simply far more effective.

This isn't goodbye, not yet anyway.
But it's more of a, "We'll catch up when I'm not busy."

Truth, right now I'm not busy.
I'm just not feeling Blogger.

I love you all.
<3

I've done it in public.

This is my first mobile post, so excuse the shortness and any typos... I'm at my mom's school's sixth and seventh grade dance, and I feel like a terrible role model. Not only did I eat five fun size bags of M&Ms and a fun sized Snickers, I purged it.

In the school bathroom.
While I could hear mothers talking outside the bathroom.

While I was puking, a girl came in for a moment to look in the mirror. Right as I finished, two girls came in, laughing and talking.

My throat hurts. But at least my stomach isn't full anymore.




God, why can't I just be normal?

Did it again.

I know I said I never would again on a school night.


But I did.
I always eat so much when I come home.

HOW DO I STOP?!?


I can go through the day eating hardly anything, but as soon as I come home, BAM, food food food food, washed down with food food food food.

Woke up at 171.8 this morning.
This evening was 170.8.
After the binge was 172.0.
After the purge, now, 170.4.




Fuck, I hate myself.
Here comes the headache.

Spring Break

Just found out we're going to Cocoa Beach, Florida for spring break.

So, that means it's time to actually lose some fucking weight here.
I want to wear a bikini for the first time in my life.
Shit.
It's never going to happen.


I woke up this morning at 172.4, same as yesterday.
After school, after eating only one cereal bar (100) and two Fig Newtons (90) I was 172.2.
Umm, what?

I went on a little mini-eating spree, yet again.
After that I was 172.0.

What the fuckkk?!?
Is it even possible for my body to go into starvation mode that quickly when I'm still this fat??
I don't think so.
This makes no fucking sense in my brain.


Oh well.

Fresh Start, Day 2

Didn't do so well today, came home and binged a little bit

Then didn't do my full workout (just 30 minutes; I'm sorry, The Notebook is a fucking boring movie).

But it was still 300 calories burned.




I weighed 172.4 this morning. Or maybe it was 172.0. I don't remember.
Gross.

Maybe fasting tomorrow.
I'll see how I feel.

Fresh Start: Day 1

Went surprisingly well.


Thanks to the dentist, I didn't even get to start to eat until maybe 6ish. They stuck me with novacaine, I couldn't feel the entire left side of my mouth (including the left side of my tongue) for three hours...
I did my entire workout today, proud of myself.
Almost died after the run, though.
I forgot (well, I disregarded, which is entirely different) the rule where you don't sit down after you run.
Bad idea.
Stomach cramps (intense, like about to have explosive diarrhea cramps) for about twenty minutes.

Cooooooool.

And I'm down 1.6 pounds from this morning...

Cooooooool.





Total calories: 462

I'm back, bitches.

And didn't you miss me? ;]

I'm feeling a lot more in tune with life right now... A lot more.
Finally starting to get over being sick, and I have my life PLANNED OUT.

Well, not my life, but my fitness routine.
Which makes a world of difference.
Now I just need to keep up with it.


Let's start from this morning. More like this afternoon, I'm not really sure when I woke up, suffice it to say, it was in the afternoon.

My mom wakes me up, offering to make me food.
"Do you want tea?"
(still asleep) "Meaerghegrumble... No."
"Do you want soup?"
(half-asleep) "Ehhhegrhtmumble... No."
"How about some chicken broth? I can put some noodles in..."
(remembering last puke-session) "Ahggehh... No..."
"How about a grilled cheese?"
(want her to go away) "Aheajrg... Sure. Make it with butter." (because grilled cheese made with margarine SUCKS)
"And some tomato soup?"
(NO, JUST GO AWAY. Now sufficiently awake) "No, thank you..."
"Okay!" (skips off cheerfully)

Downstairs. Grilled cheese.
Spot Lucky Charms on counter.

"MOM OMFG HOW DID YOU KNOW I WANTED LUCKY CHARMS."
(pour small bowl of Lucky Charms, eat with grilled cheese)

Back upstairs to my grotto, my hovel, my safe space where no one can hurt me.


MAKE PLAN.

So, here's the new exercise plan.

MONDAYS/WEDNESDAYS
Cardio:

• 10 minute run

Strength:

• 20 crunches
• 20 reverse crunches
• 1 minute plank
• 20 oblique crunches
• 20 leg lifts
• 20 bicep curls
• 20 shoulder presses
• 20 lat raises
• 20 lunges, both sides
• 20 squats without weights
• 20 squats with weights
• 11 plank contractions (x3)

Cardio:

• 24 minutes on bike

TUESDAYS/THURSDAYS
Cardio:

• Movie Walk: walk the entire length of a movie (use as an excuse to buy new movies!)

Stretch (hold 30 seconds to a minute each):

• Splits
• Calves
• Hamstrings
• Back

FRIDAYS
Cardio:

• 15 minute jog

Strength:

• 40 lunges, both sides
• 30 weighted squats
• 20 calf raises
• 10 squat thrusts ( I hate them, and their name)

SATURDAYS
Cardio:

• Dance! (any amount of time, any pace, just do it!)

SUNDAYS

• Read a book, exercise the mind...
• Reorganize the room, exercise (exorcise) the demons...
• Meditate, exercise the spirit...
• Work on quote book, exercise the inspiration...

I'll also be planning meals the night before...
I'll let you know how tomorrow goes once it goes.
I have to get fillings tomorrow.
Right now I'm fucking exhausted.

Goodnight lovely dolls.

Shaking.

I'm so fucking pissed.
How many times have I started a blog post like this?

FUCK. I HATE MY FUCKING DAD SO FUCKING MUCH.

I printed out my "get healthy" plan from a few months ago, and he asked to see it. I really didn't want to show him.
He made me anyway.

Then he starts going on and on about how I need to try new things, and how it's a problem that I don't eat a lot of different foods, how my taste is still stuck to back when I was three, how I'm miserable with myself because I stay in my room all day.

MAYBE THE REASON I STAY IN MY FUCKING ROOM ALL DAY IS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU, BECAUSE YOU SAY STUPID SHIT LIKE THIS.

I need to get out of here. I need to move out. I need to go somewhere.
Somewhere that's not here.
I swear, it's the most toxic environment in my life.

I can't even type properly right now, I'm crying so hard.

Just for this, I'm not eating today.
And you know what, Dad?
I'm not eating on Sunday, either.
Or Monday.

So go suck a big fat hairy fucking cock.
You probably already have.

I don't know what to say.

Not really sure where I've been.

I was happy for a few days.
(Like, Monday. And Tuesday.)

I felt good about my body.
Like maybe I wasn't really all that gross.


I find that this happens after I leave home for an amount of time. Then I come home and everything just hits me again.
Toxic environment. I need to move out.
I need to work out.

I'm sick right now... Can't breathe through my nose, throat's swollen, so I can't breathe through my mouth.
Not really sure how I'm alive.

I wrote a play for my creative writing class. About this girl who deals with voices in her head. She's bulimic. She kills herself in the end.
Everyone says, "Good job Charlie, great writing Charlie, that's such a good play, Charlie!"
No one asks where it came from.
I'm not sure if I want them to or not.

I don't want to study for my test tomorrow. I don't want to study for my quiz tomorrow. I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

I will though.


Sorry I'm so blah, sorry I suck, sorry I'm fat, sorry I haven't been commenting, sorry I fail at life.
Love you guys.

I'm back. And fucking fatter than ever.
This whole weekend was a giant binge.
And I'm still not fully recovered from the last puke session to keep that up.


Fucking hell. I'm doing ABC right now, completely failed today. It was supposed to start today, and I completely forgot. So now I feel like absolute shit.
Fuck.
Sorry I'm such a fatass failure.

I'm going to be gone a few days...

I'm going out of town to this annual drama conference (I went last year).

Down two pounds this morning from yesterday. Worst day ever. Felt like shit the entire day.

Finally got some Aleve, so I feel a bit better. I'm literally going to be up all night packing.


Love you guys. Sorry I haven't been commenting lately. I just feel really dead and completely apathetic these days. It sucks.
Love you.

Never let me purge on a school night again, please.

Because this morning, I feel like I got run over by a semi truck.

Noodles..

Are so gross coming back up.


So gross.

And I feel terrible, because not only did I purge, and now I'm going to get an immense headache, but I also have diarrhea (probably TMI, but you guys hear everything about me now, so whatever), so I feel doubly awful. And I just took a vitamin after my vomiting sesh.
I feel gross.
Yet oddly satisfied.

Basically, I ate too much today, which is why I'm up from yesterday, and probably will gain have gained come tomorrow morning. God knows I won't get sleep, as I have a monologue to memorize, a three-minute speech to prepare, a test to study for, a trip to pack for, and my sanity to find.

I'm going to be up all night.

edit:
Just did it again. Veggie burger, right back up.
Fuck. It's so easy. Why is this so easy? It shouldn't be easy.

Ugh.

Just binged.
One container of caramel-chocolate Ben and Jerry's, two Aero bars.

Not going to throw it up... Not feeling like it.
That was the original plan, but... I dunno. It doesn't feel right.
And both my parents are home.
It's easier when I'm home alone.

Tomorrow, I'll feel like shit, even though I don't right now.

I think I might ask K to my senior ball.
I dunno.
He'll probably say no.
Or he'll say yes because he feels bad for me.
Fuck.

edit:
Just kidding. I'm not going to ask him.
Jesus, what kind of loser am I?

Failure... Kind of.

Follow me on Tumblr, I'll follow you. :]

So, I was up until 5 a.m., didn't wake up to get the car at 6 a.m., woke up at 8 a.m., was pissed because I had to ask my dad for his car, didn't go anywhere, went back to sleep at 10 a.m., and woke up again around 4:30 p.m.
I'm not going to dance tonight, I just don't feel up to it.
Not to mention I have a mountain of homework to accomplish in one night.

I was so excited, today an email buddy I haven't spoken to in a very very long time emailed me. :] So that made me really happy. I know she lurks on my blog sometimes, and is apprehensive about starting her own. But, I'm really glad you emailed me!

I overheard my parents talking about me. Apparently, because I don't have any extracurriculars at the moment, I'm a complete failure. Doesn't matter that my grades are perfectly fine, doesn't matter that my room is clean. If I'm sleeping all day, I'm a failure. I need to be doing something 24/7.
This from the people who told me they would make me drop cheerleading or dance if I couldn't keep my grades up at the beginning of the year.
It doesn't make sense; either I'm busy and you think I'm TOO busy, or I'm not busy, and you think I'm a lazy fatass.
Fuck you.


Thank you for your concern about me being healthy, guys. I had two eggs, scrambled (180), a slice of American cheese (45) and a carton of orange juice (110). Gross.
I didn't purge anything.
I almost did, though, the eggs were so gross, I just wanted them out of me.
I had a dream that I was purging though. It was scary, because my mom came in, and didn't believe that I was sick. So she went searching through my vomit.
Gross, right?
It was weird, in my dream, I could even smell the puke.
Gross.

I have to go do homework and laundry now. I love you guys so much. <3

B/P

This might be a bit triggering. I'm not sure. But if you think it is, go away. I love you, and go away.


I've already decided I'm going to tomorrow. One last fucking hurrah before going back to normal
(and by normal I mean, NOT eating).

Was doing my research on purging (I do research on pretty much everything: starving, overeating, personality disorders, etc., but this is the first time I've done solid research on purging), and found out that purging can make you crave sweets, and that some people end up with a hangover of sorts, which completely explains why, after my mini-purge on New Years Eve, I was ravenous for brownies and candies (though I suppose that can also be the BED), and couldn't sleep due to a massive, pounding headache.
This might not be news to you, but it certainly was for me. Needless to say, immediately following the purge, I felt a lot better (mind you, paranoid, like I said).

So, I'm bingeing and purging tomorrow (with proper necessities on hand this time, such as water, Powderade Zero, and painkillers for my headaches), and making my plan for the rest of the week tonight. I have a lot of restless energy to burn.

(p.s. I think that when I hit the 120s or 130s, because I know I will, I just don't know when, I might post a picture of myself. Maybe not my face, but a progress picture. Hmm...)


COMMENTS:
I was really touched by your comments on my last post. They were all really heartfelt and beautiful, and I love you guys so much (hahah, sappy, much?)

OH, and if you guys want me to call you another name beside your Blogger name, please tell me. I'd much rather call you by a name! :]

Heather; I really hatee the paranoia. I wish I just lived by myself. I definitely don't plan on throwing up when I'm high, though, ahah. But then again, I never really planned on throwing up anyway...

Arii; It makes me feel better that I'm not entirely alone in what I feel. It's nice to know that other people can relate to what I say, because none of my friends here ever can. And K really is my main motivator to get skinny, especially since his Facebook wall is filled with posts from this gorgeous, skinny blonde chick, and it makes me so mad, because it could be me... If I were gorgeous and skinny.

Lost In Space; Happy new year to you too! We'll be the skinny "1"s by the end of this. :]

shard; Thank you so much for your comment. I actually do agree with you that it's definitely easier if you do love yourself. My problem is, I always convince myself that other people are the crazy ones for liking me or thinking I'm worthwhile, and I've never been able to convince myself otherwise. I'm going to invest in some fluoride mouthwash now... My enamel really is crap, by this point.

V.; I totally know what you mean about liking the feeling of someone having a crush on you, even if you don't like them back! XD It's nice knowing you're wanted... I actually asked K, while I was "drunk" texting if he was serious, and he told me to go to bed and ask him in the morning. When I asked him in the morning, he said he was serious. And me, being stupid, said something like, "Ohh, okayy." Then I was extra stupid and told him I had been messing with him. And felt like a little fucking kid. Immature, as always.

Kandie; I didn't know that it took 30 minutes for the pH in your mouth to return to normal afterwards! I'm definitely keeping that in mind from now on.

Dreams.and.Bones; Haha, yepp. That's my motivation. K's really skinny too (and really tall), so I'm just like "Ahhh, don't want to be fat in front of him..." Thanks for your words of encouragement and motivation. :]

Love you all.

Love.

What it is like?

I know I've never really been in love.
Like, of course.
Lust, definitely.

I don't understand how people can be "LIKE OMG SO IN LUVVV" after only dating like, a month, tops?
I definitely know what it's like to love someone. I love all my friends from camp. I've loved every single camper I met this summer. I love my friends from school, I love my little sister (who isn't really my little sister, but we're the same person, so I unofficially made her my little sister), I love my parents, I love my dogs.

I want to be in love though.
At least, I think I do.
But, like... No one could ever really love me, I think.
Because to be loved, you have to be able to love yourself.
I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that.


//end philosophical rant.

I was texting K (guy from camp that I have a huge crush on) last night, acting really fucked up (my friend and I were bored, so we decided to pretend drunk text some guys we knew to see their reaction), and I asked him if he was dtf (down to fuck, for those who are unawares).
And apparently he is.
Not really sure what to make of this.
Not sure at all.
But he did tell me we would see each other before camp starts in June.
So maybe I'll figure it all out then.
And maybe I can get fucking skinny before then.

God, I know how this must seem to everyone reading.
"Oh, look, here's this fat girl. She wants to get skinny, ha good joke. So don't eat, duh. It's that simple. Wow, she can't even go for a day without eating and overeating. What a pathetic loser. God. She lost over twenty pounds in eight months, and gained it all back in the span of three months. Disgusting."

Sorry. I'm a failure. I know.

I had a whole bunch of mini Reese's cups while babysitting before going to the party last night. As soon as I got home, before the party, I purged them. Well, as much as I could get up (which wasn't much).
Before I purge, I get this little mini panic attack, and my heart starts thumping really hard. I'm not sure if it's because I'm scared of getting caught, or because I truly know how terrible it is for me (probably a combination of both).
But then I start, and it's so easy.
And I feel better after.

I completely doused myself with perfume before leaving and gargled with mouthwash before I left (I know better than to brush my teeth afterward. My enamel is so screwed as it is from whitening treatments, I don't need to fuck it up more than necessary).
As I was driving, I could still smell the vomit.
God, I was so paranoid, until someone told me I smelled really good.
Then I loosened up a bit.


Sorry this damn post is so long.
Love you. <3