Saturday, January 1, 2011


What it is like?

I know I've never really been in love.
Like, of course.
Lust, definitely.

I don't understand how people can be "LIKE OMG SO IN LUVVV" after only dating like, a month, tops?
I definitely know what it's like to love someone. I love all my friends from camp. I've loved every single camper I met this summer. I love my friends from school, I love my little sister (who isn't really my little sister, but we're the same person, so I unofficially made her my little sister), I love my parents, I love my dogs.

I want to be in love though.
At least, I think I do.
But, like... No one could ever really love me, I think.
Because to be loved, you have to be able to love yourself.
I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that.

//end philosophical rant.

I was texting K (guy from camp that I have a huge crush on) last night, acting really fucked up (my friend and I were bored, so we decided to pretend drunk text some guys we knew to see their reaction), and I asked him if he was dtf (down to fuck, for those who are unawares).
And apparently he is.
Not really sure what to make of this.
Not sure at all.
But he did tell me we would see each other before camp starts in June.
So maybe I'll figure it all out then.
And maybe I can get fucking skinny before then.

God, I know how this must seem to everyone reading.
"Oh, look, here's this fat girl. She wants to get skinny, ha good joke. So don't eat, duh. It's that simple. Wow, she can't even go for a day without eating and overeating. What a pathetic loser. God. She lost over twenty pounds in eight months, and gained it all back in the span of three months. Disgusting."

Sorry. I'm a failure. I know.

I had a whole bunch of mini Reese's cups while babysitting before going to the party last night. As soon as I got home, before the party, I purged them. Well, as much as I could get up (which wasn't much).
Before I purge, I get this little mini panic attack, and my heart starts thumping really hard. I'm not sure if it's because I'm scared of getting caught, or because I truly know how terrible it is for me (probably a combination of both).
But then I start, and it's so easy.
And I feel better after.

I completely doused myself with perfume before leaving and gargled with mouthwash before I left (I know better than to brush my teeth afterward. My enamel is so screwed as it is from whitening treatments, I don't need to fuck it up more than necessary).
As I was driving, I could still smell the vomit.
God, I was so paranoid, until someone told me I smelled really good.
Then I loosened up a bit.

Sorry this damn post is so long.
Love you. <3


  1. i hate the paranoia that goes with throwing up...
    its even worse if you do it when you're high lol bad ideas...

  2. I wonder what it's like to be in love also. Some one has told me they were in love with me. But I could never be in love with someone until maybe like 5 months. Cause then maybe it's real and not lust.
    And I totally agree with the nobody can love you until you love yourself. I say it all the time. & I told someone that and they didn't understand it. >.>
    I also have that reaction before I purge. It takes me a lot of time just to do it. I'll be sitting on the floor of my bathroom for minutes before I finally do it. But I always stop and see if anyone pulled into the driveway at least three times.
    And I can always smell the vomit & it freaks me out so much.
    Sorry for such a long comment. I guess i can really relate to everything in this post.
    oh with K, that'd be such a good motivator to get skinny.
    stay strong hun

  3. I'm late. Happy New Year!! Yay for the "multiple skinny 1s" LOL. I've never been in love either. You're not pathetic. Take care, darlinggg <3

  4. I disagree actually, I don't think you have to love yourself to be loved. Although it definitely seems like it would be easier to be loved if you loved yourself...otherwise (as in my case), you spend a lot of time freaking out and wondering how on earth anyone could love you when you're clearly unlovable. And you half-convince yourself that the person who loves you is either a very good liar - which still begs the question of why they would bother acting so well - or that they are somehow crazy, since that would be the only logical explanation for how they could genuinely love you.

    But if they're persistent and seem not-crazy in other respects, then it makes you wonder if maybe you're the crazy one; maybe you are actually worth loving. Granted, it took me 2 years to convince myself he wasn't crazy and another 2 to think he might be right about me, but it's possible for it to happen in that order, to be loved first and love yourself after.

    I do not think you're pathetic.

    And does your mouthwash have fluoride in it? I remember looking up tips to protect your enamel, and that was one of them, to use toothpaste and mouthwash with fluoride. And it doesn't hurt to take some calcium supplements - actually I found vitamins in general to be a pretty good idea, it's like a day's worth of nutrients without a day's worth of food.

  5. Hey C. :D Join the never in love rank. I don't think i'm missing out on anything though, because i've seen a lot of my friends be 'in love' and often humiliate themselves with false hopes. though i like the feeling of someone having a crush on me... and i like it better when i don't like that person back. Haha i'm wierd like that.

    Wow... that's kinda weird. was he serious when he answered positively tho, or was he just playing along with you acting wasted?

    Ugh. Vomit smell. brings up some memories ( like meeting up with friends for a movie... coming half an hour early and puking lunch out in the restroom) i remember being really paranoid about the smell too. I'm glad yu don't do it too often... i use to, and i think it fucked my mind up more than my body.

    2011 girl! Let's make it a good one :)

  6. It's actually better not to brush or do anything but rinse your mouth out with water after a purge because brushing just spreads the acid around which can cause more damage. It takes Bout 30 mins for your mouths ph to return to normal.

    I dont believe that people fall in love in a month. Lust? Defiantly. Which can lead to love. I'm in love with my boyfriend, for the first time. I can't say it's any different than other types of love but you have the sexual component on top of it.

  7. Ooh possibilities with k seem like they can be a good motivation! And of course you are NOT a pathetic loser! Just remember if you lost the weight before, you can do it again. And you have a brand new year ahead of you to reach even more goals! <3