Sunday, January 2, 2011


This might be a bit triggering. I'm not sure. But if you think it is, go away. I love you, and go away.

I've already decided I'm going to tomorrow. One last fucking hurrah before going back to normal
(and by normal I mean, NOT eating).

Was doing my research on purging (I do research on pretty much everything: starving, overeating, personality disorders, etc., but this is the first time I've done solid research on purging), and found out that purging can make you crave sweets, and that some people end up with a hangover of sorts, which completely explains why, after my mini-purge on New Years Eve, I was ravenous for brownies and candies (though I suppose that can also be the BED), and couldn't sleep due to a massive, pounding headache.
This might not be news to you, but it certainly was for me. Needless to say, immediately following the purge, I felt a lot better (mind you, paranoid, like I said).

So, I'm bingeing and purging tomorrow (with proper necessities on hand this time, such as water, Powderade Zero, and painkillers for my headaches), and making my plan for the rest of the week tonight. I have a lot of restless energy to burn.

(p.s. I think that when I hit the 120s or 130s, because I know I will, I just don't know when, I might post a picture of myself. Maybe not my face, but a progress picture. Hmm...)

I was really touched by your comments on my last post. They were all really heartfelt and beautiful, and I love you guys so much (hahah, sappy, much?)

OH, and if you guys want me to call you another name beside your Blogger name, please tell me. I'd much rather call you by a name! :]

Heather; I really hatee the paranoia. I wish I just lived by myself. I definitely don't plan on throwing up when I'm high, though, ahah. But then again, I never really planned on throwing up anyway...

Arii; It makes me feel better that I'm not entirely alone in what I feel. It's nice to know that other people can relate to what I say, because none of my friends here ever can. And K really is my main motivator to get skinny, especially since his Facebook wall is filled with posts from this gorgeous, skinny blonde chick, and it makes me so mad, because it could be me... If I were gorgeous and skinny.

Lost In Space
; Happy new year to you too! We'll be the skinny "1"s by the end of this. :]

shard; Thank you so much for your comment. I actually do agree with you that it's definitely easier if you do love yourself. My problem is, I always convince myself that other people are the crazy ones for liking me or thinking I'm worthwhile, and I've never been able to convince myself otherwise. I'm going to invest in some fluoride mouthwash now... My enamel really is crap, by this point.

V.; I totally know what you mean about liking the feeling of someone having a crush on you, even if you don't like them back! XD It's nice knowing you're wanted... I actually asked K, while I was "drunk" texting if he was serious, and he told me to go to bed and ask him in the morning. When I asked him in the morning, he said he was serious. And me, being stupid, said something like, "Ohh, okayy." Then I was extra stupid and told him I had been messing with him. And felt like a little fucking kid. Immature, as always.

Kandie; I didn't know that it took 30 minutes for the pH in your mouth to return to normal afterwards! I'm definitely keeping that in mind from now on.

Dreams.and.Bones; Haha, yepp. That's my motivation. K's really skinny too (and really tall), so I'm just like "Ahhh, don't want to be fat in front of him..." Thanks for your words of encouragement and motivation. :]

Love you all.


  1. Ahhh, just look after yourself, babe. :/

  2. Yep, today is the end and tomorrow is the start of something new. Good luck today and stay safe! Yes, we will be the skinny ones. And we will be receiving XS clothes for Christmas this year :)
    Oh, and you can call me Shanice. stay strong! <3

  3. Don't go too hard on yourself, please :/.

    Tbh, i don't think you fucked up that hard with K. Could have been a lot worst f you pushed that dtf joke further, could have gone alot more akward :]

    Stay strong x