Alright, my pretties. I advertised a bunch of your blogs to my buddy Haley (you're welcome. Please hold applause until the end ;]).
In return, for her, I'd like to advertise her website, which is absolutely fantastic.
Check it out @
http://skinnydoll.net
I swear, I've only been on there a day, but everyone really comes together to help people out, to make people feel better, and such. It reminds me of this blog community. :]
I've been fasting today (17/24 hours so far). Yay Charlie!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
One hundred.
I was planning on saving my hundredth post for something special, like my birthday, or hitting 160 pounds.
But I had a really crappy day today. So I don't know why I'm really posting. I feel like shit, and I look like shit, and my body can't really handle the shit I put in it, so I'm going to fast, 8:00 p.m. tonight (1 hour ago) to 8:00 p.m. tomorrow. I think I can do it. My willpower has been strong lately.
One-Hundredth Post Celebration!
My goal is to be 160, new BMI point by my birthday (Wednesday). I took some pictures today (for me, not for you guys), but I have one for you all. And I'll just leave it with you. It's shitty and you can barely see my collarbone, but whatever. It's BETTER than NOTHING. There's a hell of a lot more definition close up... oO; Don't click, you can see my mustache... awk.
But I had a really crappy day today. So I don't know why I'm really posting. I feel like shit, and I look like shit, and my body can't really handle the shit I put in it, so I'm going to fast, 8:00 p.m. tonight (1 hour ago) to 8:00 p.m. tomorrow. I think I can do it. My willpower has been strong lately.
One-Hundredth Post Celebration!
My goal is to be 160, new BMI point by my birthday (Wednesday). I took some pictures today (for me, not for you guys), but I have one for you all. And I'll just leave it with you. It's shitty and you can barely see my collarbone, but whatever. It's BETTER than NOTHING. There's a hell of a lot more definition close up... oO; Don't click, you can see my mustache... awk.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Why I hate my dad.
I decided to attempt to be a normal child and eat dinner tonight. I made dinner for my mom, who has a bad cold, and made my own raviolis (220 cals, which really isn't all that bad for dinner I suppose. Still too many...).
My dad asked to have my leftover sauce, since I'm not a fan of chunky sauce, so, being the nice person I am, I said yes.
I wanted to make brownies, because I'm starting to PMS again and I was really craving something sweet.
Of course, because my dad's on his own fucking diet, no one else can have anything that tastes good. He saw me with the brownie mix box as he started making his dinner.
"No."
"I've lost eighteen pounds, I think I can have a brownie or two, dad."
"You can just put those back, and go exercise."
Fine, okay, whatever. I put them back, and I go to clean up my dinner. And the sauce goes in the trash.
I got screamed at for a fucking accident.
Went upstairs and angry-cried for about ten minutes. I cry when I get really fucking pissed. And I don't like getting yelled at for no reason.
Then my mom goes down, in her sick, coughing, practically dead state.
She comes back up. Starts talking about how she's not taking sides (even though I'm pretty sure it's obvious who's in the wrong) blah blah blah she doesn't like when we fight, and starts crying because it's "her fault, because she was too sick to go to the store".
First of all, he makes me cry, now he has to make my fucking mother cry too?! God, I hate this man. I really do.
I can't wait to get out of this fucking house.
My dad asked to have my leftover sauce, since I'm not a fan of chunky sauce, so, being the nice person I am, I said yes.
I wanted to make brownies, because I'm starting to PMS again and I was really craving something sweet.
Of course, because my dad's on his own fucking diet, no one else can have anything that tastes good. He saw me with the brownie mix box as he started making his dinner.
"No."
"I've lost eighteen pounds, I think I can have a brownie or two, dad."
"You can just put those back, and go exercise."
Fine, okay, whatever. I put them back, and I go to clean up my dinner. And the sauce goes in the trash.
I got screamed at for a fucking accident.
Went upstairs and angry-cried for about ten minutes. I cry when I get really fucking pissed. And I don't like getting yelled at for no reason.
Then my mom goes down, in her sick, coughing, practically dead state.
She comes back up. Starts talking about how she's not taking sides (even though I'm pretty sure it's obvious who's in the wrong) blah blah blah she doesn't like when we fight, and starts crying because it's "her fault, because she was too sick to go to the store".
First of all, he makes me cry, now he has to make my fucking mother cry too?! God, I hate this man. I really do.
I can't wait to get out of this fucking house.
I had promised myself a bowl of oatmeal when I woke up (at 12:00 p.m., don't you just love exam week?!), but after the scale, I'm convinced to just have my sugar/fat free hot cocoa (50 calories) and go the rest of the day until (maybe) later tonight.
162.2
New low, whaaaat! :] So excited. Closer to 160 than before, and I've already hit my Sunday goal! Well, close enough anyways. Stay strong dearies! :]
162.2
New low, whaaaat! :] So excited. Closer to 160 than before, and I've already hit my Sunday goal! Well, close enough anyways. Stay strong dearies! :]
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Epiphany.
The last two days have been a total reworking of my mind.
Truth.
Random Ramble :
I've barely eaten anything. I just... don't feel like eating. Boysboysboys. What the fuck. Is his opinion of me really that shocking? Especially when it's the same as my own: that I'm a fat fuck (his words, borrowed) who's an attention whore and a desperate wannabe.
I've thought about leaving. You guys, I mean. I've thought about what's going to happen once I'm skinny. I used to think, oh, once I'm thin and gorgeous, I won't even have to try.
I was trying to fool myself. I knew the truth.
I've also hit a new low weight, 164.0.
Watched "The Swan Princess" for my workout today. I love kid-ish animated movies. Anything animated is amazing. The girls never have imperfections. Neither do the guys, now that I think about it. Except maybe some bad haircuts (Prince Cornelius from Thumbelina, anyone?).
"She started out as such an ugly duckling,
And somehow suddenly became a swan."
That's what I'm going to be. An ugly duckling, transforming suddenly into a beautiful swan, ready to spread my graceful white wings and fly far away.
So I was thinking about leaving you guys. Not necessarily that I want to leave you guys, but what I would do if I did. If that makes sense.
In my head, I compared it to an amputated limb, or something to that effect..
Maybe that's a bit drastic.
But I don't know what I'd do without all of you.
You know the real me. The me no one else knows.
And that makes you more important than my right lung.
Again, a tad drastic.
But it gets my point across?
Damn. This is long. Sorry, everyone. :]
Truth.
Random Ramble :
I've barely eaten anything. I just... don't feel like eating. Boysboysboys. What the fuck. Is his opinion of me really that shocking? Especially when it's the same as my own: that I'm a fat fuck (his words, borrowed) who's an attention whore and a desperate wannabe.
I've thought about leaving. You guys, I mean. I've thought about what's going to happen once I'm skinny. I used to think, oh, once I'm thin and gorgeous, I won't even have to try.
I was trying to fool myself. I knew the truth.
I've also hit a new low weight, 164.0.
Watched "The Swan Princess" for my workout today. I love kid-ish animated movies. Anything animated is amazing. The girls never have imperfections. Neither do the guys, now that I think about it. Except maybe some bad haircuts (Prince Cornelius from Thumbelina, anyone?).
"She started out as such an ugly duckling,
And somehow suddenly became a swan."
That's what I'm going to be. An ugly duckling, transforming suddenly into a beautiful swan, ready to spread my graceful white wings and fly far away.
So I was thinking about leaving you guys. Not necessarily that I want to leave you guys, but what I would do if I did. If that makes sense.
In my head, I compared it to an amputated limb, or something to that effect..
Maybe that's a bit drastic.
But I don't know what I'd do without all of you.
You know the real me. The me no one else knows.
And that makes you more important than my right lung.
Again, a tad drastic.
But it gets my point across?
Damn. This is long. Sorry, everyone. :]
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I just thought of something my mom told me a long time ago.
She has sarcoidosis in her lungs (basically like a buildup of scar tissue). She had been told by her doctor that her health would improve if she lost weight.
As they were discussing weight loss, her doctor said,
"Everyone would be at a healthy weight if we could all just be anorexic one or two days a week."
Excuse me?
She thought it was the funniest thing. I was still her little girl.
A long time ago.
She has sarcoidosis in her lungs (basically like a buildup of scar tissue). She had been told by her doctor that her health would improve if she lost weight.
As they were discussing weight loss, her doctor said,
"Everyone would be at a healthy weight if we could all just be anorexic one or two days a week."
Excuse me?
She thought it was the funniest thing. I was still her little girl.
A long time ago.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
People are good at not caring.
They're also good at not following through on things.
My family especially.
"My back hurts."
"Well, you shouldn't have been working out."
"I need to work out..."
"Why don't you just go clean your room."
MY BACK FUCKING HURTS. CLEANING MY ROOM IS NO BETTER FOR IT THAN EXERCISING.
"...I will."
"You say that, but you rarely ever do it."
"I said, I will."
They yell at me when I exercise. They yell at me when I don't exercise. They yell at me when I don't get good grades. They yell at me when I don't clean my room because I'm actually doing homework for once in my life. They yell at me when my back hurts like hell for no reason and I'm laying down because sitting and standing suck.
I just want someone who will hug me tight and tell me everything will be okay. Someone who will never let go, never let me feel like shit.
It seems like letting go is all anyone in my life is doing these days.
They're also good at not following through on things.
My family especially.
"My back hurts."
"Well, you shouldn't have been working out."
"I need to work out..."
"Why don't you just go clean your room."
MY BACK FUCKING HURTS. CLEANING MY ROOM IS NO BETTER FOR IT THAN EXERCISING.
"...I will."
"You say that, but you rarely ever do it."
"I said, I will."
They yell at me when I exercise. They yell at me when I don't exercise. They yell at me when I don't get good grades. They yell at me when I don't clean my room because I'm actually doing homework for once in my life. They yell at me when my back hurts like hell for no reason and I'm laying down because sitting and standing suck.
I just want someone who will hug me tight and tell me everything will be okay. Someone who will never let go, never let me feel like shit.
It seems like letting go is all anyone in my life is doing these days.
Monday, January 25, 2010
A is for apples.
Alright. I give. I'm starting ABC anew tomorrow, joining in with several other people who have already started.
I'm starting on Day 2. I hate Day 1's; they psych me out.
Alright, even after my epic failure, I'm going to do this shit. According to SparkTeens, my goal of losing 3 pounds per week is incredibly unhealthy. Good. Fucking good. I'm sick of being healthy and all this shit. I just want to be skinny.
I'm starting on Day 2. I hate Day 1's; they psych me out.
Alright, even after my epic failure, I'm going to do this shit. According to SparkTeens, my goal of losing 3 pounds per week is incredibly unhealthy. Good. Fucking good. I'm sick of being healthy and all this shit. I just want to be skinny.
Conversations in my head, vol. 1
Well, I guess one little cheese for lunch couldn't be all bad, right? Only 70 calories...
I swear to God, if you eat that, I'm leaving the rest of the day. You can go be fat with Chloe.
Wait. Wait! I put it back! I didn't even open it.
But you thought about it. You know you can't stop once you start. So don't even start. Finish your fast day. You only have eight more hours to go. Go do something productive.
But what about-
NO! Go work out. Or study. Maybe then you won't fail your midterms like the fucking fat loser you are.
Fine.
I swear to God, if you eat that, I'm leaving the rest of the day. You can go be fat with Chloe.
Wait. Wait! I put it back! I didn't even open it.
But you thought about it. You know you can't stop once you start. So don't even start. Finish your fast day. You only have eight more hours to go. Go do something productive.
But what about-
NO! Go work out. Or study. Maybe then you won't fail your midterms like the fucking fat loser you are.
Fine.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
What to do when your best friend turns out to be a liar.
Well, don't look at me. I don't have all the answers.
I have so much to say though, but I don't wish to bore you all...
First of all, I love my candy bracelet. It is starting to show a little wear after a day, so I'm obviously not going to be able to wear the same one consistently (no, LeahJ, my wrist has not gotten sticky yet XD). Alice, and anyone else, feel free to borrow at will. I actually really like it. I can't wear it in the shower like the rest of my jewelry, and it definitely is tempting at times, but it's a reminder of how hard I've worked so far, and how hard I hve to work to make my goals.
I found another thing to try, I don't know if anyone else has tried this. I wrote my current goal weight (130) on my hand. Actually, I wrote it as 1:30, because I know people will ask questions. Now it's a tangible thing, I can look at it and think, "Do I really, really, really need this?"
Also, my scale has decided to lie to me. It's gut-wrenching. Absolutely gut-wrenching. When your best friend in the world starts spouting lies. Fuck me.
I have to get a new phone. I'm totally bummed, because my old phone was the cutest thing. I'm going to get a Blackberry, I guess. It's only $30 when I renew the contract or whatever. This little phone got its screen cracked when I was being an idiot. I cried. Literally. I've never loved an inanimate object so much. It was there for me through A, C, E, T, J (those are all guys, by the way). I have so much history with this one little phone. I only had it for a year, and they don't sell it anymore. :[
Jesus, did I really just dedicate a whole fucking paragraph to my dead phone?? Someone just put me out of my misery.
I have so much to say though, but I don't wish to bore you all...
First of all, I love my candy bracelet. It is starting to show a little wear after a day, so I'm obviously not going to be able to wear the same one consistently (no, LeahJ, my wrist has not gotten sticky yet XD). Alice, and anyone else, feel free to borrow at will. I actually really like it. I can't wear it in the shower like the rest of my jewelry, and it definitely is tempting at times, but it's a reminder of how hard I've worked so far, and how hard I hve to work to make my goals.
I found another thing to try, I don't know if anyone else has tried this. I wrote my current goal weight (130) on my hand. Actually, I wrote it as 1:30, because I know people will ask questions. Now it's a tangible thing, I can look at it and think, "Do I really, really, really need this?"
Also, my scale has decided to lie to me. It's gut-wrenching. Absolutely gut-wrenching. When your best friend in the world starts spouting lies. Fuck me.
I have to get a new phone. I'm totally bummed, because my old phone was the cutest thing. I'm going to get a Blackberry, I guess. It's only $30 when I renew the contract or whatever. This little phone got its screen cracked when I was being an idiot. I cried. Literally. I've never loved an inanimate object so much. It was there for me through A, C, E, T, J (those are all guys, by the way). I have so much history with this one little phone. I only had it for a year, and they don't sell it anymore. :[
Jesus, did I really just dedicate a whole fucking paragraph to my dead phone?? Someone just put me out of my misery.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Lightbulb.
So I have an idea.
If it works, it's brilliant.
If it fails, it's crazy.
I have a new Ana-bracelet. It's not red. It's not glass beads, it's not shiny or eye-catching.
It's a candy necklace.
Okay, okay, bear with me. It SOUNDS crazy. But it has meaning.
First, for every day that I continuously fast for 24 hours, I get to take a candy off (not eat, by that time they'll be, um, gross.
Also, it's symbolic. I'm wearing my weakness on my wrist, my heart on my sleeve. If I can fast and restrict with sugary goodness on my body 24/7, I can do anything at all.
Fasting begins tomorrow. Chloe came over today. Stupid me, I opened the door for her. Nom nom nom nom nom. I'll stop being pathetic.
Sunday is the best day to start, it's like a new beginning.
If it works, it's brilliant.
If it fails, it's crazy.
I have a new Ana-bracelet. It's not red. It's not glass beads, it's not shiny or eye-catching.
It's a candy necklace.
Okay, okay, bear with me. It SOUNDS crazy. But it has meaning.
First, for every day that I continuously fast for 24 hours, I get to take a candy off (not eat, by that time they'll be, um, gross.
Also, it's symbolic. I'm wearing my weakness on my wrist, my heart on my sleeve. If I can fast and restrict with sugary goodness on my body 24/7, I can do anything at all.
Fasting begins tomorrow. Chloe came over today. Stupid me, I opened the door for her. Nom nom nom nom nom. I'll stop being pathetic.
Sunday is the best day to start, it's like a new beginning.
Friday, January 22, 2010
F is for...
Failure.
Fat.
Fake.
Filthy.
Faulty.
F is also for...
Flawless.
Fair.
Frail.
Funny.
Friendly.
I want to be the second group of adjectives, but I'm always stuck in the first group.
Would you believe, I actually ENJOYED eating dinner at Friendly's tonight? (for those of you who don't know what Friendly's is... I can't really describe it. It's heaven and hell all in one fried ball of comfort food. I think it's a North-Eastern U.S. thing... but Southerners have Chick-fil-A.... bitches.)
Now don't get me wrong. Every moment my stomach got fuller was agonizing. Inside my head was a jumble of mashed up thoughts that went something like this:
WHATTHEFUCKAREYOUDOINGWHYWHYWHYDOYOUKNOWHOWMANYCALORIESAREINTHATDOYOUHAVEANYIDEAWHATTHEHELLYOU'REDOING?!?STOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!!!!
But I enjoyed pretending to be a normal eater for an hour. I enjoyed pretending that there wasn't anything wrong with me.
However. I have made absolutely no significant progress in January so far.
Mid-years are next week, so I'm going to fast. As long as possible. Tomorrow might not be an option, since my mother wants to go out to dinner. Again. Fuuuck you mother.
You know those like, friend things on Facebook where you can like click yes or no to questions like "Has so and so ever done weed?" or "Is this person hot?"
I always get no's for hot, cute, etc. Ouch. It kind of hurts my feelings, even though I know it's stupid.
See, people like skinny people. They don't like fat people. Which is why I need to be skinny. To make me more attractive. But maybe I'm just ugly. That's another possibility.
Fat.
Fake.
Filthy.
Faulty.
F is also for...
Flawless.
Fair.
Frail.
Funny.
Friendly.
I want to be the second group of adjectives, but I'm always stuck in the first group.
Would you believe, I actually ENJOYED eating dinner at Friendly's tonight? (for those of you who don't know what Friendly's is... I can't really describe it. It's heaven and hell all in one fried ball of comfort food. I think it's a North-Eastern U.S. thing... but Southerners have Chick-fil-A.... bitches.)
Now don't get me wrong. Every moment my stomach got fuller was agonizing. Inside my head was a jumble of mashed up thoughts that went something like this:
WHATTHEFUCKAREYOUDOINGWHYWHYWHYDOYOUKNOWHOWMANYCALORIESAREINTHATDOYOUHAVEANYIDEAWHATTHEHELLYOU'REDOING?!?STOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!!!!
But I enjoyed pretending to be a normal eater for an hour. I enjoyed pretending that there wasn't anything wrong with me.
However. I have made absolutely no significant progress in January so far.
Mid-years are next week, so I'm going to fast. As long as possible. Tomorrow might not be an option, since my mother wants to go out to dinner. Again. Fuuuck you mother.
You know those like, friend things on Facebook where you can like click yes or no to questions like "Has so and so ever done weed?" or "Is this person hot?"
I always get no's for hot, cute, etc. Ouch. It kind of hurts my feelings, even though I know it's stupid.
See, people like skinny people. They don't like fat people. Which is why I need to be skinny. To make me more attractive. But maybe I'm just ugly. That's another possibility.
Duck, duck, fail.
I feel like shit right now. If I had made it to 8, it would've been a full 24 hours. Fuck
I'm sorry Heather, I'm such a failure. :[
I had no breakfast. Just tea. I had no lunch. Just water. And then, my friend came over. And we went to the grocery store, and bought tons of candy and SHIT. I haven't eaten much at all, just a wafer cookie and teeny bag of Cadbury eggs. But I'm going to be forced into dinner by said friend after my mom's middle-school-kid dance (I have to help her out).
Shit.
I swear, I'll eat as little as possible at dinner. And tomorrow will be a true fast.
I'm sorry Heather, I'm such a failure. :[
I had no breakfast. Just tea. I had no lunch. Just water. And then, my friend came over. And we went to the grocery store, and bought tons of candy and SHIT. I haven't eaten much at all, just a wafer cookie and teeny bag of Cadbury eggs. But I'm going to be forced into dinner by said friend after my mom's middle-school-kid dance (I have to help her out).
Shit.
I swear, I'll eat as little as possible at dinner. And tomorrow will be a true fast.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
So I kind of like a sophomore, which is weird, because I hate younger kids (no offense if you're younger :]).
But that's not my point today.
My point is, I've been bingeing. I've binged two days fucking straight, what the hell man.
I dunno about you guys, but when I'm sick and feel like shit, all I want is potatoes and chocolate and cheese and milk. All together. On a plate. Maybe some crackers thrown in there. With some caramel sauce and lo-mein, and a fortune cookie to top it off.
And I digress.
@Heather; I concur. Let us commence the Emperor's-New-Groove-style wall-climbing? I'm going to do my best to fast tomorrow... Here's hoping. I want to be skinny, but...My only comfort ever has been food. Without it, I'm lost. Or so I thought. Now my only comfort is the scale going down.
Eating makes my heart hurt.
But that's not my point today.
My point is, I've been bingeing. I've binged two days fucking straight, what the hell man.
I dunno about you guys, but when I'm sick and feel like shit, all I want is potatoes and chocolate and cheese and milk. All together. On a plate. Maybe some crackers thrown in there. With some caramel sauce and lo-mein, and a fortune cookie to top it off.
And I digress.
@Heather; I concur. Let us commence the Emperor's-New-Groove-style wall-climbing? I'm going to do my best to fast tomorrow... Here's hoping. I want to be skinny, but...My only comfort ever has been food. Without it, I'm lost. Or so I thought. Now my only comfort is the scale going down.
Eating makes my heart hurt.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I want...
Ice cream
Pizza
French fries
Chocolate
Lo-mein
Starbursts
Skittles
Snickers
Popsicles
Lucky Charms
Ravioli
To be skinny
Cue Sesame Street and Big Bird: "One of these things is not like the other..."
I was 165.4 this morning, and 165.0 when I got home. Nice? Yes.
Some random daily factoids
1. Marilyn Monroe, a woman considered a sex symbol, was a size 14. I am a size 14 (well, 12/13, close enough), and I am far from a sex symbol.
2. Chewing sugarfree gum will not suppress appetite. In fact, chewing prepares your stomach for food, and when it doesn't get any, stomach acid can eventually be a problem.
3. I think eating breakfast (oatmeal, 170 calories) sped up my metabolism today, even if it is quite a bit of calories, especially for breakfast. Breakfast will be eaten more often. True story.
Pizza
French fries
Chocolate
Lo-mein
Starbursts
Skittles
Snickers
Popsicles
Lucky Charms
Ravioli
To be skinny
Cue Sesame Street and Big Bird: "One of these things is not like the other..."
I was 165.4 this morning, and 165.0 when I got home. Nice? Yes.
Some random daily factoids
1. Marilyn Monroe, a woman considered a sex symbol, was a size 14. I am a size 14 (well, 12/13, close enough), and I am far from a sex symbol.
2. Chewing sugarfree gum will not suppress appetite. In fact, chewing prepares your stomach for food, and when it doesn't get any, stomach acid can eventually be a problem.
3. I think eating breakfast (oatmeal, 170 calories) sped up my metabolism today, even if it is quite a bit of calories, especially for breakfast. Breakfast will be eaten more often. True story.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Struggling.
I'm going to be honest, I promised myself I wouldn't post today.
Mostly because, whenever I'm attempting to fast, and I post how well I've been doing, I go off and ruin it with a night/day/whatever of bingeing.
I woke up at 165.8 this morning. Good. Not good enough. I need to lose as much as possible before February.
Dear Ana,
On February 3, 2010, I will not pay heed to your voice whispering in my ear, telling me I'm a fat cow. On February 3, 2010, I will eat my grilled cheese and potato chips or waffle of some sort, along with a big fucking slice of ice cream cake. I will try not to think about the pounds I will gain, the work I had done so far.
I will not allow you to control me on the one day of the year that is all about me. Every other day can be about you. I know that later, you will make me cry, make me fast, make me jump for joy when the number on the scale goes down, make me slump in despair when it goes up.
But I'm taking that one day for myself. Chloe will not be there. Nor will Mia. None of you are invited to my birthday party. Sorry.
Love, Charlie
Mostly because, whenever I'm attempting to fast, and I post how well I've been doing, I go off and ruin it with a night/day/whatever of bingeing.
I woke up at 165.8 this morning. Good. Not good enough. I need to lose as much as possible before February.
Dear Ana,
On February 3, 2010, I will not pay heed to your voice whispering in my ear, telling me I'm a fat cow. On February 3, 2010, I will eat my grilled cheese and potato chips or waffle of some sort, along with a big fucking slice of ice cream cake. I will try not to think about the pounds I will gain, the work I had done so far.
I will not allow you to control me on the one day of the year that is all about me. Every other day can be about you. I know that later, you will make me cry, make me fast, make me jump for joy when the number on the scale goes down, make me slump in despair when it goes up.
But I'm taking that one day for myself. Chloe will not be there. Nor will Mia. None of you are invited to my birthday party. Sorry.
Love, Charlie
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Everything in moderation...
My mom tried to lecture me on the dangers of not getting enough calories when going vegetarian.
I'm still on the fence about it, but not because of her. I can survive on less than 500 calories a day, and I can lose weight while doing it. Fuck scientific research.
I have to make a pizza for dinner tonight and pretend to eat it. Yay, fasting! I'll be fasting tomorrow as well.
With fasting:
After awhile, my stomach stops complaining. And I reach Nirvana.
I'm still on the fence about it, but not because of her. I can survive on less than 500 calories a day, and I can lose weight while doing it. Fuck scientific research.
I have to make a pizza for dinner tonight and pretend to eat it. Yay, fasting! I'll be fasting tomorrow as well.
With fasting:
After awhile, my stomach stops complaining. And I reach Nirvana.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Ana: Look at her, she can't do anything right.
Haven't we had this conversation before?
Mia: Doesn't matter. You clearly didn't get it the first time.
Chloe: I'm always there for you, you know that.
Ana: She doesn't need your help.
Chloe: But she wants it.
Mia: She doesn't know what she wants. Go the fuck away.
I can't do this. What the hell.
Ana: Yes, honey. You can, and you will. I can help you. I will help you. Don't listen to either of them, and don't give up. You can start your fast tomorrow. Drink lots of water and low-cal Vitamin Water tonight, and I'll help you out tomorrow. You'll see, it'll all be better when you're empty.
okay.
Haven't we had this conversation before?
Mia: Doesn't matter. You clearly didn't get it the first time.
Chloe: I'm always there for you, you know that.
Ana: She doesn't need your help.
Chloe: But she wants it.
Mia: She doesn't know what she wants. Go the fuck away.
I can't do this. What the hell.
Ana: Yes, honey. You can, and you will. I can help you. I will help you. Don't listen to either of them, and don't give up. You can start your fast tomorrow. Drink lots of water and low-cal Vitamin Water tonight, and I'll help you out tomorrow. You'll see, it'll all be better when you're empty.
okay.
Friday, January 15, 2010
I'm going crazy...
I've gone insane with food the past few days. It's time. Officially.
I have three days off, starting tomorrow. I'm going to be super busy working on things, so....
Three day fast! I'm starting at 12:00 a.m. (in 40 minutes) Saturday, and ending 12:00 a.m. Tuesday. I can do this. I can do this.
Anyone care to join?
I have three days off, starting tomorrow. I'm going to be super busy working on things, so....
Three day fast! I'm starting at 12:00 a.m. (in 40 minutes) Saturday, and ending 12:00 a.m. Tuesday. I can do this. I can do this.
Anyone care to join?
Fail.
Fail, fail, epic fail.
Oreos... Depressing movie about love that I know I won't have until I'm beautiful and skinny.
.....
-nom-
Oreos... Depressing movie about love that I know I won't have until I'm beautiful and skinny.
.....
-nom-
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Mixed messages.
Don't you just hate guys who give them? :]
I was down to 165.9 this morning (yaynewlow)
Thanks to my attempts at fasting, which will begin again tomorrow.
Starting at 8 p.m. tonight, I will be fasting. I don't know how long, as long as I can last.
I had too much today, let's just leave it at that. Off to shower and get as much rest as possible.
Love you, dears. :]
I was down to 165.9 this morning (yaynewlow)
Thanks to my attempts at fasting, which will begin again tomorrow.
Starting at 8 p.m. tonight, I will be fasting. I don't know how long, as long as I can last.
I had too much today, let's just leave it at that. Off to shower and get as much rest as possible.
Love you, dears. :]
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I can't decide whether to break my fast or not.
Technically, I already did (sorry, I know I'm a failure) with cookies last night, and 3/4 of 2 cookies (that is, 1/2 of one cookie, and 1/4 of another). I didn't eat lunch again today (got yelled at), said something about my fat (got slapped). I can't help thinking; maybe if I hadn't eaten those cookies, I could be 165 today! Maybe if I hadn't been such a loser without control, I could have lost more.
Instead I'm at 166.0, new low.
Yay.
I've decided to stop getting all excited on here about new low weights, because from here on in, every new weight loss is a low.
I'm going to have to pretend to eat something tomorrow. Soup? Yes. Soup. Because it'll take long to cool from the microwave, and I can pretend to sip it from my cup. Houston, we have a plan.
Also, boys confuse the fuck out of me.
I'm done.
Technically, I already did (sorry, I know I'm a failure) with cookies last night, and 3/4 of 2 cookies (that is, 1/2 of one cookie, and 1/4 of another). I didn't eat lunch again today (got yelled at), said something about my fat (got slapped). I can't help thinking; maybe if I hadn't eaten those cookies, I could be 165 today! Maybe if I hadn't been such a loser without control, I could have lost more.
Instead I'm at 166.0, new low.
Yay.
I've decided to stop getting all excited on here about new low weights, because from here on in, every new weight loss is a low.
I'm going to have to pretend to eat something tomorrow. Soup? Yes. Soup. Because it'll take long to cool from the microwave, and I can pretend to sip it from my cup. Houston, we have a plan.
Also, boys confuse the fuck out of me.
I'm done.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
To V, or not to V?
Anyone want to educate me on the wonders (and horrors) of being vegan? I know, I know, I told you all how much I love meat...and milk...and eggs...and cheese...
But.
If someone would elucidate the exact restrictions that a vegan diet has, that would be great. I'm considering it. It's either that or vegetarian, which may be the one that happens.
I know the basic, no animals/animal byproducts. But specifics? Like, really specific? I know for a fact that Oreos are vegan, but I don't plan on eating those. xD
But.
If someone would elucidate the exact restrictions that a vegan diet has, that would be great. I'm considering it. It's either that or vegetarian, which may be the one that happens.
I know the basic, no animals/animal byproducts. But specifics? Like, really specific? I know for a fact that Oreos are vegan, but I don't plan on eating those. xD
True story.
Yeah, my friends hit me when I say I'm fat. It's gotten to the point where they really hurt, so I just say shit to myself. In my head. Like a crazy ass mofo.
I've fasted all day today. I want to continue. Don't know if I'll make it. I'm hungry. It was almost easy not eating today. I forget how little work it actually is to fast. Up at 167.4, maybe I'll be down tomorrow.
Alright, now that my random sporadic comments are done, I have some things to not eat. :]
edit;
Oh, I forgot to mention that I got in a fight with one of my friends at lunch (the one who punches me) for not eating anything today. I basically told her that I wasn't eating, and if she was going to complain about me not eating, she could do the same for the anorexic girl who sits with us when she comes to lunch, and rarely eats (I refuse to say "other" anorexic girl. I'm not anorexic. Not quite). She tried to get my other friend to back her up, but luckily another of my friends came over to distract them. If I don't eat tomorrow, I'm sure I'll get major shit, but at this point I just don't care.
I've fasted all day today. I want to continue. Don't know if I'll make it. I'm hungry. It was almost easy not eating today. I forget how little work it actually is to fast. Up at 167.4, maybe I'll be down tomorrow.
Alright, now that my random sporadic comments are done, I have some things to not eat. :]
edit;
Oh, I forgot to mention that I got in a fight with one of my friends at lunch (the one who punches me) for not eating anything today. I basically told her that I wasn't eating, and if she was going to complain about me not eating, she could do the same for the anorexic girl who sits with us when she comes to lunch, and rarely eats (I refuse to say "other" anorexic girl. I'm not anorexic. Not quite). She tried to get my other friend to back her up, but luckily another of my friends came over to distract them. If I don't eat tomorrow, I'm sure I'll get major shit, but at this point I just don't care.
Monday, January 11, 2010
In the overall scheme of things, my butterscotch candies are not my problem... And sugar-free gum does absolutely nothing for me... I like things I can crunch.
My problem is my love for dinner. And breakfast. And lunch.
Luckily my hatred for fat overrides that love most of the time.
Dance went great. My teacher told me that even though I'm not in the advanced class, I can still audition for the concert that my dance school holds every 2 years. Tomorrow, I'm going to fast for the hell of it. Because I can.
Today, my friends and I were talking with the athletic trainer, who has apparently been on a diet and has lost 58 pounds (good for him!). While discussing dieting, one of my (skinny) friends says "Why bother dieting? Why waste your life not enjoying everything?"
To myself, I thought, "I'd enjoy everything more if everything I enjoyed didn't make me fatter."
But if I voiced that out loud, I'd get punched. Oh wait, I did. And I got punched.
My problem is my love for dinner. And breakfast. And lunch.
Luckily my hatred for fat overrides that love most of the time.
Dance went great. My teacher told me that even though I'm not in the advanced class, I can still audition for the concert that my dance school holds every 2 years. Tomorrow, I'm going to fast for the hell of it. Because I can.
Today, my friends and I were talking with the athletic trainer, who has apparently been on a diet and has lost 58 pounds (good for him!). While discussing dieting, one of my (skinny) friends says "Why bother dieting? Why waste your life not enjoying everything?"
To myself, I thought, "I'd enjoy everything more if everything I enjoyed didn't make me fatter."
But if I voiced that out loud, I'd get punched. Oh wait, I did. And I got punched.
I have a new obsession.
Butterscotch candies. The hard ones. I can suck on them for hours and hours. Also sunflower seeds, but I've been obsessed with those for years. I've been trying to stay away since they're so salty and full of calories.
I'm off to dance. I'll be back with a full update later. Maybe.
I'm off to dance. I'll be back with a full update later. Maybe.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Baby come back.
I'm back, guys! I'll give you an overview of my sucky yet awesome weekend.
Alright. First, I was extremely confused because this really ugly guy who came from my school was picking up all these chicks. Then, I was lectured by a sophomore on how to get guys (a skinny, model-esque sophomore). Then, we formed an awesome guitar circle, and about 75 or 80 people out of the 500 or so that were there circled around us and started singing with us. I was also informed that I'm going to have to kiss a guy I used to like a whole lot for the play, while he has a girlfriend, who will come to the play, making my life awk. Not to mention that he doesn't brush his teeth.
And that was only the first night.
Basically, my entire weekend was just me realizing more and more how inadequate I am, and how socially awkward I am. I should be shut away from society. The skinny sophomore ended up getting with the guy that I had thought was cute. Well, not "getting with", but they came close, or so I hear.
Now that my life update is complete, time for a weight update. I ate really small portions this weekend, but my stomach only growled once or twice the entire time, so I was nervous stepping back on the scale. I'm back to 166.8, thank you Jesus, but I realized this weekend that until I'm semi-attractive, guys won't even want to talk to me. They never do.
Now, I'm going to go eat a turkey sandwich.
Alright. First, I was extremely confused because this really ugly guy who came from my school was picking up all these chicks. Then, I was lectured by a sophomore on how to get guys (a skinny, model-esque sophomore). Then, we formed an awesome guitar circle, and about 75 or 80 people out of the 500 or so that were there circled around us and started singing with us. I was also informed that I'm going to have to kiss a guy I used to like a whole lot for the play, while he has a girlfriend, who will come to the play, making my life awk. Not to mention that he doesn't brush his teeth.
And that was only the first night.
Basically, my entire weekend was just me realizing more and more how inadequate I am, and how socially awkward I am. I should be shut away from society. The skinny sophomore ended up getting with the guy that I had thought was cute. Well, not "getting with", but they came close, or so I hear.
Now that my life update is complete, time for a weight update. I ate really small portions this weekend, but my stomach only growled once or twice the entire time, so I was nervous stepping back on the scale. I'm back to 166.8, thank you Jesus, but I realized this weekend that until I'm semi-attractive, guys won't even want to talk to me. They never do.
Now, I'm going to go eat a turkey sandwich.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Well, I'm leaving.
No, no, not you guys. :] I could never leave you guys.
But I'm going away for the weekend. I'm already four pounds heavier than I was previously (praying it's just period-weight) and beating myself up every day. Once I come back on Sunday, I plan on starting fresh.
Here's what I want from you:
-Lots of comments with love and affection (because, you know, your support really does effect how well I do).
-Lots of comments about you guys. Tell me about yourselves. I mean, you know I read all your blogs. I'm subscribed to nearly everyone who is subscribed to me. How about this, just post a random factoid about yourself. Something small, something big, whatever.
-Lots of blog updates so I can have something to do on Sunday rather than eat like a monster.
See you Sunday!
Lots and lots and lots of love,
Charlie
But I'm going away for the weekend. I'm already four pounds heavier than I was previously (praying it's just period-weight) and beating myself up every day. Once I come back on Sunday, I plan on starting fresh.
Here's what I want from you:
-Lots of comments with love and affection (because, you know, your support really does effect how well I do).
-Lots of comments about you guys. Tell me about yourselves. I mean, you know I read all your blogs. I'm subscribed to nearly everyone who is subscribed to me. How about this, just post a random factoid about yourself. Something small, something big, whatever.
-Lots of blog updates so I can have something to do on Sunday rather than eat like a monster.
See you Sunday!
Lots and lots and lots of love,
Charlie
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Alright anonymous commenter. You think you're so smart?
Caloric deficiency is the only way to effectively lose weight. My dad (PhD, so he knows what he's talking about) told me this. Yes, it is essentially starving yourself, especially if you're exercising. But your body burns the excess fat more than it hangs on to it. Next time, do your research before you post dumbshit comments.
I'd like to clarify something here. Since a few people before have made some comments that I didn't approve.
I am not stupid. I'm not one of those stupid girls, "Oh, I'm 100 pounds, let's get some attention and starve myself. Hey, everyone I'm soo fat. I'm going on a diet." I am a serious, hardworking, smart (almost)17 year old. I've done my research, and I know what works and what doesn't.
With my metabolism, there is no other effective way of weight loss. Sure, I'm messed up in the head. Sure, anorexia is absolutely insane. I know that. I was always one of the people who swore it would never happen to me, I wouldn't let it, though I realize now Ana was always with me, I just chose to ignore her.
But once it gets in, there's no easy way to get it out. That girl in your head, always glaring disapprovingly when you eat something over 100 calories, always yelling. It gets pretty loud inside. And you can't possibly understand until you've been in listening to her over and over as you look in the mirror, disgusted with your own self.
-end rant-
Caloric deficiency is the only way to effectively lose weight. My dad (PhD, so he knows what he's talking about) told me this. Yes, it is essentially starving yourself, especially if you're exercising. But your body burns the excess fat more than it hangs on to it. Next time, do your research before you post dumbshit comments.
I'd like to clarify something here. Since a few people before have made some comments that I didn't approve.
I am not stupid. I'm not one of those stupid girls, "Oh, I'm 100 pounds, let's get some attention and starve myself. Hey, everyone I'm soo fat. I'm going on a diet." I am a serious, hardworking, smart (almost)17 year old. I've done my research, and I know what works and what doesn't.
With my metabolism, there is no other effective way of weight loss. Sure, I'm messed up in the head. Sure, anorexia is absolutely insane. I know that. I was always one of the people who swore it would never happen to me, I wouldn't let it, though I realize now Ana was always with me, I just chose to ignore her.
But once it gets in, there's no easy way to get it out. That girl in your head, always glaring disapprovingly when you eat something over 100 calories, always yelling. It gets pretty loud inside. And you can't possibly understand until you've been in listening to her over and over as you look in the mirror, disgusted with your own self.
-end rant-
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I drew a new picture for you all. Not exactly Ana, but I seem to have gotten off my Anti-Art Streak.
Still 166.8, fasting tomorrow to get rid of as much before my drama conference.
----
http://shine.yahoo.com/event/newyear/5-bogus-diets-that-will-do-more-harm-than-good-553992/
Anyone else see this? Laughing my ass off right now...
Monday, January 4, 2010
The NEW New Plan.
Alright. So my 0135 is kind of a fail. Epically. Someone please remind me to never again come home after dance and say, "I'm hungry...", then proceed to eat as much food as I want (Soup-at-Hand, half a bowl of oatmeal, handful of semi-sweet chocolate chips, handful of Cornflakes, thousands of mini candy-canes [hyperbole, yes, I'm aware.])
Especially after an awesome fast day.
I'm going to try eating only one meal a day. Tomorrow will be breakfast, Wednesday lunch, Thursday dinner, etc. I'm going to try to lose as much weight as possible before I go away for the weekend and leave my precious babies (that's you guys), unable to check up on everyone. Ahhh.
TRY, BITCH TRY.
Oh, and thank you all for your wonderful comments. I enjoy reading each and every one of them, like I enjoy reading everyone's blogs. :]
Especially after an awesome fast day.
I'm going to try eating only one meal a day. Tomorrow will be breakfast, Wednesday lunch, Thursday dinner, etc. I'm going to try to lose as much weight as possible before I go away for the weekend and leave my precious babies (that's you guys), unable to check up on everyone. Ahhh.
TRY, BITCH TRY.
Oh, and thank you all for your wonderful comments. I enjoy reading each and every one of them, like I enjoy reading everyone's blogs. :]
NEWLOW.
166.8
This morning, after my fast day. I'm so happy I could shit a pig. Today is supposed to be 100, but I don't care. I'm having bacon for breakfast.
edit;
Eh heh heh heh... Irony. I wasn't even thinking of that. XD
This morning, after my fast day. I'm so happy I could shit a pig. Today is supposed to be 100, but I don't care. I'm having bacon for breakfast.
edit;
Eh heh heh heh... Irony. I wasn't even thinking of that. XD
Love/Hate Relationship
Things I Love
-Losing weight
-Pin curls
-Musicals
-The 1950s
-Good perfume
-Low-cal
-Scales
-Nail polish
-Flavored lip gloss
-Philosophy products
-Laughing
-My friends&family
-Being a part of this community
-Art
-Guitar playing
-Writing songs
Things I Hate
-Gaining weight
-Teasing
-Hippies
-Fake blonde bimbos
-Ugly skinny people
-High cal
-Scales
-Anticipation
-Clowns
-Spiders
-Lettuce
I drew you all a picture.
It's kind of shitty. But I like the eyes.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Oh, Maury.
I don't get it. These girls on Maury are OBESE. And I'm really not just saying that to be mean, but they are. They're obese bitches, and they get laid more than I do.
Ummm, what?
I'm a nice girl. I have no issues with my face (aside from the bump on my nose, and my fat cheeks...), I have lots of friends, I do my homework, I stay in school, and I'm generally a good kid.
So...why can't I get a boyfriend?
My conclusion: Because I'm fat
But then it confuses me. These bitches on Maury are fat. Some of them look disfigured. But they're getting laid nightly. They have multiple baby-daddies. They've had boyfriends.
ALSO.
Someone explain to me why a fat guy can get a hot chick, but a fat chick can't get a hot guy?
The world makes no sense to me, at all.
Ummm, what?
I'm a nice girl. I have no issues with my face (aside from the bump on my nose, and my fat cheeks...), I have lots of friends, I do my homework, I stay in school, and I'm generally a good kid.
So...why can't I get a boyfriend?
My conclusion: Because I'm fat
But then it confuses me. These bitches on Maury are fat. Some of them look disfigured. But they're getting laid nightly. They have multiple baby-daddies. They've had boyfriends.
ALSO.
Someone explain to me why a fat guy can get a hot chick, but a fat chick can't get a hot guy?
The world makes no sense to me, at all.
Whining v. Winning
I've been whining a lot to you guys lately. Apologies.
I think that I'm close to my period right now. I don't actually remember the last time I had it, I don't even remember if I had it in December. I don't think I did. But that is no excuse for being a whiny, out of control, selfish, bingeing little bitch. So, many apologies.
I've decided to start my own version of 2-4-6-8, only I'm not a fan of even numbers. Mine is going to be 0-1-3-5, making tomorrow (well, today) a fast day. Yay, no calories!
I think that I'm close to my period right now. I don't actually remember the last time I had it, I don't even remember if I had it in December. I don't think I did. But that is no excuse for being a whiny, out of control, selfish, bingeing little bitch. So, many apologies.
I've decided to start my own version of 2-4-6-8, only I'm not a fan of even numbers. Mine is going to be 0-1-3-5, making tomorrow (well, today) a fast day. Yay, no calories!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Failing and failing and trying something new.
Nothing is working out right now. I can't chug my Diet Mountain Dew, because I don't have any. I can't work out because I hurt my hip flexor. I can't even not eat dinner for one night. Fuck. Someone give me strength. Give me control. Give me a perfect body.
Thank you all for the suggestions, I can guarantee almost all of those will be used over the weekend.
I want to acknowledge an anonymous comment I got. I have tried the 1000 whatever calories. It doesn't work. My metabolism is so slow that I will still gain weight from a 1200 calorie diet. I have many joint issues due to overextension in all of my joints, therefore my exercise cannot be vigorous enough to support a 1200 calorie diet. To properly lose weight, you have to maintain a caloric deficiency (this I've learned from my dad and his triathlon training). This means that to lose weight, you have to burn more than you consume.
I'm not some idiotic teenager who doesn't know what she's doing, and doesn't know any other way. I'm an idiotic teenager who knows exactly what she's doing, because there is no other way. It's me or the fat. And I'm choosing me.
On a lighter note, I really liked the gluten allergy thing. My cousin actually has celiac disease, so there would be a (small) possibility that I have it too. I generally do the talking/moving things around, especially at lunch when, if I'm quiet, my friends will notice that I have only VitaminWater10 for lunch
I want to acknowledge an anonymous comment I got. I have tried the 1000 whatever calories. It doesn't work. My metabolism is so slow that I will still gain weight from a 1200 calorie diet. I have many joint issues due to overextension in all of my joints, therefore my exercise cannot be vigorous enough to support a 1200 calorie diet. To properly lose weight, you have to maintain a caloric deficiency (this I've learned from my dad and his triathlon training). This means that to lose weight, you have to burn more than you consume.
I'm not some idiotic teenager who doesn't know what she's doing, and doesn't know any other way. I'm an idiotic teenager who knows exactly what she's doing, because there is no other way. It's me or the fat. And I'm choosing me.
On a lighter note, I really liked the gluten allergy thing. My cousin actually has celiac disease, so there would be a (small) possibility that I have it too. I generally do the talking/moving things around, especially at lunch when, if I'm quiet, my friends will notice that I have only VitaminWater10 for lunch
Friday, January 1, 2010
I need your help. Now.
I need some help from you guys. This week, on Friday, I'm leaving for a drama conference that will last until Sunday. They feed us meals, good hotel food, every day.
I need new excuses. I'm running out. "I'm not hungry, I ate a huge breakfast (or dinner last night)," isn't going to work when "I'm not feeling well this morning," was used for breakfast, and "I had a huge lunch," was used for dinner the night before.
I need ways of avoiding the food, the giant buffets set up for hundreds of normal, hungry high school students, set up to tempt the one who loses it like the Incredible Hulk when she starts eating (that's me in case you were wondering). I need a way out. Help me, please.
I need new excuses. I'm running out. "I'm not hungry, I ate a huge breakfast (or dinner last night)," isn't going to work when "I'm not feeling well this morning," was used for breakfast, and "I had a huge lunch," was used for dinner the night before.
I need ways of avoiding the food, the giant buffets set up for hundreds of normal, hungry high school students, set up to tempt the one who loses it like the Incredible Hulk when she starts eating (that's me in case you were wondering). I need a way out. Help me, please.
Confessions.
I have some confessions for you guys, because I want to be completely honest this year. At least with everyone on here.
First, I fucking love meat. Yeah, I love animals too, but I love sizzling bacon or a freshly grilled burger just as much. Therefore, if you ever hear me saying that I want to become a vegetarian, call me out on that bullshit.
Second, I have binge eating disorder. I have since I was in third grade. I will not say that I have anorexia, because I don't. I'm controlling my BED with restricting my calories, and it seems to be working.
Third, I am fat. I am ugly. I am a monster. But that's all going to change this year.
"Oh, mister, wait until you see what I'm gonna be."
-Fiona Apple, 'Better Version of Me"
First, I fucking love meat. Yeah, I love animals too, but I love sizzling bacon or a freshly grilled burger just as much. Therefore, if you ever hear me saying that I want to become a vegetarian, call me out on that bullshit.
Second, I have binge eating disorder. I have since I was in third grade. I will not say that I have anorexia, because I don't. I'm controlling my BED with restricting my calories, and it seems to be working.
Third, I am fat. I am ugly. I am a monster. But that's all going to change this year.
"Oh, mister, wait until you see what I'm gonna be."
-Fiona Apple, 'Better Version of Me"
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