Monkey see, monkey do.

More like fatass eat.



Blech.
I haven't been sticking to my plan, I haven't been working out, I hurt my back so now I CAN'T work out (pulled some muscle in between my ribs- I can barely fucking breathe. I know I'm a pansy ass, but still).
I'm at like 157, 158 right now. Probably 159 after the M&Ms I ate. And the chicken.
What happened to being a vegetarian, Charlie?!?


I had a kind of awesome experience, which is why I'm blogging right now. See, I had been trying to make myself do better, so I told myself I couldn't blog until I finished 2 days of fasting (it was one, but now it's going to be two). I've been trying to comment everyone, but no blogging, no telling you guys about myself, no being the attention whore I am...
So I was hanging after school with my friend B, and we were wandering, waiting for my dad to pick us up (her car is broken and I don't have my license). We wandered to a hallway where my gorgeous amazing beautiful Arab friend was hanging with some guys, including C (I'll remind you in case you don't remember, he's the guy I was friends with, got in a fight with after he got his nasty girlfriend, made him mad after they broke up, but now we're cool). So B and I are talking with everyone, one of the guys decides he wants a tour of the girls' bathroom (of course). And C goes, "Charlie- wait, no, B. Come get a hug."
So of course, being myself, I cried out in cheerful indignation, "Oh, C, I see how it is. Asshole! What about me, huh?" He laughed, and said, "Come on, Charlie. Gimme a hug."
For a few minutes, I fake pouted and gave him joking dirty looks, until I finally held my arms out. "Okayy, fine!"
We stood a few feet away from each other for a few seconds. "Charlie, this is how it works. You gotta come to me."
I burst out laughing; this kid is pretty much me. I love him for that.
So I glare at him, and inch closer, and reach around him to give him one of those little awkward pat-on-the-back hugs.

And for five, maybe ten seconds, he doesn't even move to put his arms around me.
All the while, I'm thinking, "Jackassjackassjackassjustfuckinghugme."
And then he actually hugged me.
A legitimate hug, that felt safe and secure and tight.
Kind of like my va-

Never mind. XD
I'm probably the only one that found that funny. I have the sense of humor of an eighth grade boy, I know.
And for the few seconds that the hug lasted, I wasn't thinking about how he could feel my back fat or that all he was feeling was a layer of pudge over the bones.

It was our first actual physical contact (besides me hitting him a couple of times) since we got in our fight last year.
And actually, may have been the first time I've ever hugged him.


I feel bad dedicating an entire post to this, to bore you guys (whoever is actually paying attention to my rambling long enough to read this) with something like this.
But I can't gush to my real-life friends about this; they don't understand what it means to me to actually have friends, they don't really understand my issues with human contact.

Because you guys know the real me.
And now I'm going to get all sappy and shit, because you know, it was my last day of junior year today, and now I'm a fucking senior, and my whole goddamn life is ahead of me, and I am fucking scared shitless.

But hell if I'm going to be fat the rest of my life.
Which brings me to my next topic. Five day fast, starting tomorrow. Tomorrow and Friday are going to be liquid-fast, to try and ease into it (since I can't exercise right now, I can't keep consuming copious amounts of food and expecting to just stabilize). And then Saturday through Monday will be zero-calorie.

I need a shower now, because bedtime is soonish. But I love you guys.

Things I need to get around to doing:
1. The Beautiful Blogger Award! I already have a bunch of things in mind, but I haven't got time right now!
2. Your amazing comments- I need need NEED to respond to some of them, if not all.
I feel so awful when I don't, like you guys think I'm ignoring you. I swear I'm not!

I love you all so dearly. I don't know what I'd do without you. :]