Thursday, January 28, 2010

Epiphany.

The last two days have been a total reworking of my mind.


Truth.

Random Ramble :

I've barely eaten anything. I just... don't feel like eating. Boysboysboys. What the fuck. Is his opinion of me really that shocking? Especially when it's the same as my own: that I'm a fat fuck (his words, borrowed) who's an attention whore and a desperate wannabe.
I've thought about leaving. You guys, I mean. I've thought about what's going to happen once I'm skinny. I used to think, oh, once I'm thin and gorgeous, I won't even have to try.
I was trying to fool myself. I knew the truth.
I've also hit a new low weight, 164.0.
Watched "The Swan Princess" for my workout today. I love kid-ish animated movies. Anything animated is amazing. The girls never have imperfections. Neither do the guys, now that I think about it. Except maybe some bad haircuts (Prince Cornelius from Thumbelina, anyone?).
"She started out as such an ugly duckling,
And somehow suddenly became a swan."
That's what I'm going to be. An ugly duckling, transforming suddenly into a beautiful swan, ready to spread my graceful white wings and fly far away.
So I was thinking about leaving you guys. Not necessarily that I want to leave you guys, but what I would do if I did. If that makes sense.
In my head, I compared it to an amputated limb, or something to that effect..

Maybe that's a bit drastic.
But I don't know what I'd do without all of you.

You know the real me. The me no one else knows.


And that makes you more important than my right lung.
Again, a tad drastic.



But it gets my point across?
Damn. This is long. Sorry, everyone. :]

3 comments:

  1. sounds like yoi've had lost of time to think recently :) thats good for one
    i know what you mean. There has to be a place left for all of us to just be ourselves. I think we'd struggle without it for sure.
    love charlie :) Stay strong, stay sweet

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  2. That guy sounds like a dick. It's always hard when someone states that they have the same low/shitty opinion of you that you have... it crushes/ruins everything. I wish that I could say he probably didn't mean it, and actually I think I can say that safely because MOST guys don't think before they talk etc.
    Thumbelina.. good times.
    Don't leave us, no matter what. If you're happy and skinny, stay. If you decide that this fight is not for you, stay. No matter what is going on food wise, we're here to support you in every aspect we can.
    xo

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  3. That's what I'm going to be. An ugly duckling, transforming suddenly into a beautiful swan, ready to spread my graceful white wings and fly far away.

    me too :] we'll get there

    ReplyDelete