Reasons why I hate my dad...

As I come upstairs after watching TV and feeling like death, my dad starts talking to me.
"You know, once we get you better, we'll start your training," he says.
No thanks, Dad.
"We'll start you on some arm strength and endurance."
"Um... I'll pass."
"Oh come on, we could see during the play you were dragging on one of those numbers."


Yes. Thanks for pointing out the fact that I'm fucking out of shape and fat, like you do nearly every week to try and make yourself feel better about being fatter every day because you binge like a fat fuck.
I saw the massive handful of pretzels you got after your "healthy" dinner (because raw bloody meat is SO FUCKING HEALTHY). I know for a fact that that handful totals at least 200 if not 300 calories, calories that will be converted to fat as soon as you sit down and start playing your online poker again.
So fuck you sir. My progress will not be hindered by your comments any longer.

Because even though you may be able to run longer than I, or swim faster than I, or bike longer than I, I am still thinner than you, at the very least.

Dazed

I just tried to think of a decent opening sentence for how I feel right now.


Nothing..

I'm sick, with a temperature of 101.4.

Most people don't seem to realize how big of a deal that is for me, but for some reason my natural body temperature is not 98.6, it's somewhere in the 96-97 range. I slept and watched Law & Order SVU today after I came home.

And I ate.
Fuck it I ate.

I had a friend give me Advil because my head was throbbing. Made me feel better.


Bad idea.
Felt good enough to eat.
Ate popcorn, M&M's, Frosted Flakes.
Sleptsleptslept.
Woke up feeling shitty.
Now Mom is forcing chicken soup down my throat. I told her a cup. A CUP LIKE A MEASURING CUP, GODDAMMIT.
They always comment on how I measure my food out (well, not always), but when I ask for specifically "One cup, in a coffee mug," she goes way over.
I know because the cup she used has mL measurements on it. 250mL = 1 cup. Period.

I suppose I shouldn't get mad. I think I'm delusional.

Toodle-loo.

What the hell.
Let's fast tomorrow.
24 hours, starting at eleven p.m. tonight.



....

-noms illegal cookie-

On the wagon and off again...

Having money is my main downfall for eating.
Thank you, Scarlet and Rachel for your gorgeous comments.
To answer your question Scarlet; yes, I am planning on sticking to those sorts of things; today wasn't so great, but it most definitely wasn't Sunday-bad, and it DEFINITELY wasn't Saturday-bad.
Those days were so awful I didn't have the heart to tell you guys all about what I ate.

I think my major downfall today was trying to convince myself that I like apples, yet again.
I love apple juice, yes. I will eat an apple if my mom skins it and cuts it into slices (yeah, I'm a mommy's girl :D). But I just can't get into eating an apple, just crunching into it.
I'm not big on citrus fruits either.

However, today wasn't entirely a waste.
I had to reschedule my senior photos because I broke a blood vessel in my eye on Friday (I forgot to tell you guys- my show was on Friday and Saturday! It went awesome, don't fret) and the photographer wasn't sure if he could digitally edit it (even though it isn't that big and he probably could). Now I have until next Thursday to lose some major weight. I probably can't do it, but it's worth a try anyway!
I even get to come home early tomorrow, even though I'm not supposed to. I don't even care anymore... I thought it was senior year that this happened, not junior year. So I get to come home and clean. I think I'll go for a run. God knows I need to.
I also woke up at 162.4, which is better than I expected. I don't expect to lose anything tonight, but that's because I ate things I wasn't supposed to. Oops. Yogurt and grapes for me tomorrow. Maybe a glass of milk.

I wish I had something interesting or fun to tell you guys. But I don't.
That friend who is always better than me at everything has been flirting with guys 24/7, even when I tell her to keep it in her goddamn pants. Just because putting on a baby voice and laughing like a five year old makes you feel empowered doesn't mean you should do it every five seconds.
So, I expect L to fall for her any day now. He's been sitting behind me in class lately. It bothers me, I don't like it when people sit behind me. Especially since there's now an empty seat up in front of me. What a weirdo.
And the sad thing is, I'm ten times weirder. Shit, no wonder I'm a social pariah.

Newest Plan

I don't suppose anyone noticed, but I went missing for a little while.

I also went eating for a little while and haven't stopped.
I don't know what I weigh right now. Too much. I weighed 167.something in full sweats and slippers, so I'm estimating around 164 or 165.
Fuck me.


I'm starting a new plan, which if you've been following me long enough, you'll know that I don't often stick to my plans.
I was supposed to be 150 on Friday, as of two weeks ago. You can see how that worked out.


Anyway, my new plan is to cut processed foods out of my diet. 100%.
I've essentially cut meat out of my diet with hardly a blip on the problematic scale. So maybe I can do this.

A list of processed foods I will allow myself to eat on occasion:
Milk
Yogurt
Cornflakes
Chicken broth

Anything else is completely off-limits, especially chocolate. I hate how far I slip backwards when I start my period. I just want to go off and die right now. My stomach is full. Fucking sucks. My face is starting to get even doughier. Fuckfuckfuck.

Sorry. I'll stop complaining I know I need to. I sound exactly the way I am: a fat loser who complains about not being able to lose weight and stuffs her face. I wish I could blame it on some medical condition, but I can't. I have to live with the fact that I'm fat because of what I've chosen to do.
I think that makes it worse, thinking that if I tried hard enough I could stop.
But I don't. I don't know why.

Sorry..

I've been meaning to post.


Summary of my week in short simple words:

-Tired
-No prom date
-Fat
-Feet hurt
-Pretty costumes
-Compliments
-Period
-Chocolate
-Binge
-Sleep
-Tests
-Fuck my life



That pretty much sums everything up.

Eponine.

I realized today why Eponine is my favorite character in Les Mis, and why I love her so much more than Cosette.

For those of you who have never seen Les Mis, you're missing out. It centers around a petty thief, Jean Valjean, who is being hunted for some parole violation (correct me if I'm wrong, I haven't seen it in a few years). He eventually becomes this bigwig in town and meets this woman, Fantine, who has been working as a prostitute after she was fired from her job for fighting (this bitch had been saying nasty things about her and her daughter, Cosette). Valjean promises to take care of Cosette, who is staying with Eponine and her parents, and being treated poorly. THey aren't rich, but they're moderately wealthy. The play moves on, and a few years later, Eponine and her family are begging in the streets, and she's in love with a scholar named Marius, who has no intention of being with her, even though he's a nice guy (On My Own, Eponine's song, chronicles how it's only when she's alone that he loves her, that she becomes everything she's ever wanted). Marius meets Cosette, and falls in love with her on sight.

Can you see why I love Eponine yet?

It's only after Eponine dresses as a boy and gets fatally wounded that Marius pays any fucking attention to her, and realizes what a great goddamn person she is.


Then she fucking dies.
And Cosette gets to live happily ever after with Marius.





Because life is so fucking fair, right?

The reason I mention this is because every time something little goes right for me, I get screwed over in the end, just like Eponine. The guys I like always go for my friends, or other girls, oh, and my amazing prom dress that was perfect for me?
My friend got it (without knowing) at an outlet store, final sale.
Meaning she can't return it.
Meaning MY perfect dress is ruined.
Because:
1. She is skinny and pretty and everyone likes her.
2. She has a date, and won't look like a loser.
3. She can't return hers, but I still have 80 something days to return mine.
4. Everyone will talk if we show up in the same dress, and EVERYONE will tell her she looks better in it.


I know it's such a stupid thing to be upset over, but when things so rarely go the way I want them to in my life, getting screwed over with the little things just hurts even worse..


Just call me Eponine and shoot me with a musket.

Crazy 2 Pound Weekend.

Enough bingeing. It's time to get serious, summer is just around the corner.
I was considering making tonight an Ana Night, but I'm so exhausted that it just isn't possible.

Today was unproductive. My costumes for the play (opening night is Friday... fuck) were finished tonight, they're huge. I look at them on the hangers and look at myself. I guess I really am that fat.

I've decided to give ABC another go. Why the fuck not, right?

500 tomorrow:
Breakfast: Cornflakes (45)
Lunch: 3 bites of whatever they feed us at the Courthouse (approximately 200? I'll know once they give it to us)
Dinner: Campbell's Soup-At-Hand Classic Tomato (120)

Total: 365, give or take. I may be able to eat a bit more for dinner.

I'm sick, yet again. I'm not allowed to have milk or dairy until Sunday (that means no chocolate, yogurt, cheese, milk, etc.), because I want my voice to be decent for the play.

I wish I had something interesting to say, that would spark millions of comments. I'm lacking in human interaction these days.

There, I said it. I'm a comment-seeking, superficial, attention whore.





At least I can own up to it.
I want a goddamn date for prom.
No, I want L to be my goddamn date for prom.


I can hardly see my ribs anymore. It's disgusting. Summer is THISCLOSE. And prom is EVENCLOSER.
Goddammit. I'm a poor excuse for a human being.

Fail.






Sorry.

I can't say much

Because I have a friend over and I absolutely need some sleep.
A quick review of my day:

-Eating fattening fried food.
-Watched obese people eat 10x more than me.
-Was disgusted (more on that later, I'm not mean, I swear!)
-Ate more food.
-Got my prom dress!
-Ate more/drank more high-cal things.
-Went to play practice.
-Ate even more.
-Went to see a school play (AMAZING. End of story).
-Went to the store, got more food, and ate some more.

As you can see, I've been doing a lot of eating lately...
That ends tomorrow. Tomorrow will be liquid fasting, I swear. I absolutely swear. I will pull every single excuse out of my ass to not eat.

I will not fail.

AMBER ALERT: Lost Self-Control

If found, please comment with the location. I'll stop by shortly to pick it up.
Thank you for your cooperation.

L and Dreams

But not necessarily together.
I love you guys too, so much. Thank you for your wonderful comments.

I want to give a HUGE huge HUGE shout-out to my amazing email buddy right now, (I'm not going to post her name, because I don't know how she'd feel about that) because she is just... Too cool for words.
I received an email from her a few months back, saying she had been reading my blog, and would I maybe like to write back and forth with her as well. Of course I said yes.
She has been one of the sweetest people I have come into contact with recently; a little while ago she was going through a rough time, and I know she's put up with enough of my shenanigans and crazy rants.
So this little section right here is for her, and I hope she reads this, because I do truly appreciate her.


We now return to our regularly scheduled broadcast.

After not losing anything yesterday, I threw my life to hell on food today. But that's not what I feel like talking and whining about today, because tomorrow will be better, and I will restrict accordingly.

I'd rather whine about L.
He is such a sweetie pie, and so cute. I mean, "DAMN, I'd tap that!" sort of cute, ahaha. Anyway, in one class he sits near me (his actual seat is in front of me, but sometimes he moves behind me... I dunno, he's a weirdo). Today I was so cold, even though it's warm(ish) out (no lack of calories or body fat to blame, I'm just fucked up). He and almost all the guys in the class were complaining about it being so hot, even though the windows were open. He said something about it being way too hot, so I turned around and said "You guys are crazy, I'm absolutely freezing!"
This brought dozens of complaints from the guys, whose metabolisms are way too fast for their own good anyway.
"The window's open though, it shouldn't be that hot for you guys.."
L said to me, "Well, if you're cold, I'll just close the window."
And did exactly that.

It sounds so silly now, telling you guys, but I honestly don't know a single guy that would close a window for a cold girl (especially a fat one), when he's uncomfortably warm.
I thought it was sweet, even though I know I read into it more than I should.


I also wanted to quickly share with anyone who reads this a dream I had about a week ago. I meant to tell you at the time, but things got out of hand, and I kept forgetting.
The only part of my dream I remember is this picture of me that was getting shown to everyone. I was fat (uh, duh). Wearing the most hideous combination of sparkly spandex and stretch velour that was clearly too small for me. My stomach fat was rolling out all over the place; it was truly disgusting.
The entire time I was trying to say that it wasn't me, that I would never dress like that. But it was me. The proof was in the pudding. Er, the photo.


Any dream interpreters out there in Bloggerland? Any ideas what the hell is going on in my subconscious?

Sorry this was so long today, I managed to really get my thoughts together, unlike recently. I love you all, so very very much. <3

Something's not right.

Something's not working right.
Is it my body? Is it my mind?

Probably.
Lunch was a few bites of an apple.
Then a fucking cupcake.
And maybe one or two potato chips.
Weighed 159.8 this morning (or was it 160?), came home, was 158.8 (my scale, 159.2 my parents' scale. Something's fucked up).
So I ate a goddamn bagel.
And some marshmallows.
And a banana.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Someone give me your awesome control, just lend it to me for a little while.
Is there actually anything to that whole eating breakfast shit?
Might as well try, I have nothing else to lose.

Except my mind.


My friend and I were talking about my ass this morning (because all the weight I lose goes from my ass and thighs before anything else. Just go from my stomach, goddammit!).
She asked me "Have you really lost that much weight?"
"Yeah... Like twenty pounds since October."

Maybe I was just destined to be fat. The people I'm around don't even notice a twenty pound weight difference.
Then again, it was pretty goddamn gradual. Is it too much to want to be 150 by next Friday? Probably. Unless I find that elusive control, I'll never make it anywhere. On the bright side, next week is Hell Week (phrase coined by me, the week we have tech rehearsals for play) which means I won't be home until 7, which means no eating until after 7, and I'm not supposed to be eating after 7:30 anyway.
So, maybe next week will be better. Goddamn fat.

B-, grade raised from a C- because...

Today was eh.

I was so good during the day, SO GODDAMN GOOD.





p.s., remind me to NEVER agree to bake for a friend's birthday.
Tomorrow will be better, I swear. I will gain control within a night.






The reason I changed my daily food-grade from a C- to a B- is because I woke up at 160.2 (my scale).
I came home (before eating like a goddamn pig) and weighed 158.2 (parent's scale, 159.4 on mine).
So I'd like to hope for good things tomorrow morning. Haven't studied for my tests yet, haven't done my homework. I'm so fucking screwed.
I had promised myself, I'm going to be good, I'm going to do my homework, and not get caught up in myself and my wants like I usually do.

You know what really bothers me? Guys that have girlfriends, who are all over other girls. Also, girls who are all over guys with girlfriends. Thoughts?

A few things...

@Phantasmagorical Delusion;
I definitely understand what you mean, and I have actually thought about what will happen when I reach my UGW. I know I can't just start pigging out when I finally lose the weight. This is my lifestyle currently, the alternate starve-binge-starve-binge. With this "diet" I'm doing, I'm trying to refocus my mind and body to something I can mentally live with better, maybe something more like starve-starve-starve-binge. I don't know if this is making sense... But I hope it is.

@sunshine;
Well, guys have never actually told me that, in those exact words. But I can see it in their eyes, the way they look at my friends, and the way their gaze drifts over me, only to quickly shift back to my friends. And I'm sick of it. Sure, maybe I'm desperate, an attention whore. At least I can admit to it.

@V;
Isn't it though? It really sucks, especially when you see those happy, thin couples, while inside you're grasping desperately for a single shred of that happiness.
The Chemical Diet is something I found on SkinnyDoll. First week goes as follows:

Every day breakfast: orange juice + skimmed milk + coffee or tea
Day 1:
Lunch: 1 fruit
Dinner: coffee or tea.
Day 2:
Lunch: 1 orange or orange juice
Dinner: 1 cup skim milk OR one boiled egg.
Day 3:
Lunch: 1 toast + tea
Dinner: tea or coffee
Day 4:
Lunch: 1 fruit
Dinner: 1 cup green salad + tea or coffee
Day 5:
Lunch: 1 apple
Dinner: coffee or tea
Day 6:
Lunch: 1 fruit
Dinner: 1 cup of skim milk
Day 7:
Lunch: 1 toast + coffee or tea
Dinner: coffee or tea
I'm going to start over with Week 1, since last week was epic fail.



My weekly mantra:
“My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them.”
-Jack Kerouac

Missing In Action.

Where have I been the past couple of days?

Well,
I gained weight.
Took the SATs.
Lost weight.
Gained it back.
Went to a party.
Was reminded of how I'll only be "just friends" with guys until I lose some weight.

And a bunch of other stuff that you all wouldn't care about.

I'm starting the same Chemical Diet this coming week, but I'm modifying it, since I obviously can't fucking handle it.

You know what?
No. I'm not modifying it. I'm going to be strong.
If I can complete just one week of this diet without failing...
I don't know. But it'll be my next big accomplishment. Like my first ever 24 hour fast.


One week. Let's see how much I lose.

Utter complete total fuckup failure.

Why, no.
I didn't stick to the plan.



Why, yes.
I did eat two chocolate chip cookies, a Rice Krispie Treat, a VERY LARGE imported free-trade chocolate bar, a few handfuls of dark chocolate covered banana.

Why, yes.
I do plan on eating bacon and eggs and toast in five or ten minutes.

Why, yes.
I did gain weight from last night.







Why, yes, I do plan on fasting my fucking fat ass tomorrow for not having control.








God, why can't I just lose this weight and be done with it? Why does every single fucking day have to be a such a tremendous struggle?

Not going to be 158 tomorrow.

Thank you guys for your wonderful comments. You are truly beautiful people.

Today went well.
I had my milk and tea for breakfast as planned (90 calories). Didn't go to lunch because I have so much to do, but I ate my pretzels later (55 calories). I caved and had some Starbursts (70 calories). But that's it.
Total as of yet: 215


I didn't feel all that well today, my tummy hurt, which contributed to my lack of eating. I may have a cup of chicken broth here (10 calories), but that's it.
I weighed in at 159.8 this morning and 159.6 a few minutes ago.
I hope so badly that I'm 158 tomorrow.



But... I don't look ANY thinner at all! I still have the same rolls of fat and chubby arms and porky fingers and gigantic thighs...
Maybe at 150 I'll look better. I so doubt it.

Binge

Feel like shit.


Don't be surprised if I weigh 180-200 tomorrow.

I suppose there's something to it.

Weighed in at 159.6 this morning.

New low. First new low in two or three weeks.

Loved it.




So I guess there is something to this crazy "diet".
I had my mini apple for lunch again (caved, bought a cookie. Last of my wallet money though, so no more of that), had a few handfuls of Starbursts.

I think it comes out to around 425 calories total, plus the cup of skim milk that is supposed to be dinner (even though I've had enough already Goddammit) makes 515. Maybe I'll just have half a cup...

Why yes, I will be c&sing the grilled cheese and tomato soup Mother makes for me tonight.



Chewing and spitting makes me feel so gross. And at the same time... It's satisfying. Without being full of calories.
I hope I'm down again tomorrow.
I get toast (just plain bread!) tomorrow for lunch! I think I'll substitute pretzels. I'm going to try really really hard not to cheat tomorrow.

It's horrible; every day the same friend asks "Where's your lunch?" She came in later today, first thing she asks me is "Did you eat?"


Hello, do you not see the fat dripping off me? It's not like I'm tall to sort of compensate. I'm moderately short and big-boned. AND FAT. Gosh.

The Truth

I can't lie to you guys.



I just went downstairs and made a peanut butter jelly and pretzel sandwich.
C&S'd three quarters of it.
The other quarter is sitting in my stomach as I sit here, alternating chewing and spitting pretzels into a baggie and sipping Diet Mountain Dew.

And I smell like failure.

I've got sunshine...

Today was decent.

I had a mini apple for lunch (65 calories), tea for breakfast.
Got in the car, where my mom handed me a small bag of Cadbury Eggs (210 calories).




Yes, I ate them.


Came home, had 9 1/2 pretzels (27.5 calories).
Total for the day, if I don't binge later: 302.5


Not stellar.
But not too bad, either.

Chemical Diet

I don't know if any of you have heard of this, but I'm trying it, starting this week.
It's mostly liquids, with fruits as lunch, and the occasional optional small salad for dinner.
Here's the menu for week one (the whole thing is three weeks):
Every day breakfast: orange juice or skimmed milk / coffee or tea (no sugar, cream, etc)

Day 1:
Lunch: 1 fruit
Dinner: coffee or tea.


Day 2:
Lunch: 1 orange or orange juice
Dinner: 1 cup skim milk OR one boiled egg.

Day 3:
Lunch: 1 toast + tea
Dinner: tea or coffee

Day 4:
Lunch: 1 fruit
Dinner: 1 cup green salad + tea or coffee

Day 5:
Lunch: 1 apple
Dinner: coffee or tea

Day 6:
Lunch: 1 fruit
Dinner: 1 cup of skim milk

Day 7:
Lunch: 1 toast + coffee or tea
Dinner: coffee or tea



People who have tried it claim that you can lose up to 15 kg (for my fellows that completely don't understand pounds/kilogram ratios, like me, 15 kg is approximately 33 pounds).

I, of course, am skeptical. But at this point, I'm willing to try anything.
I can't fail this time, I don't know what I'll do if I fail.

For my family (all of you)

I haven't been commenting on a lot of your blogs lately...
This makes me feel awful.
Sometimes I just can't figure out anything to say, even though I'd like to.

So this is for you guys.


Dear Blogger Family,
I love you all very dearly, even though I don't tell you that nearly enough. I am so happy when you all are having wonderful, great times, and I sympathize and empathize when you're down.
I can't really put into words how much I appreciate all of you. Your support, your comments, your own posts inspire me daily. Thank you all for being here for me in my rollercoaster ups and downs as well.

Love, Charlie

Pozuhtivitee.

I realize how fucking down in the dumps I've been lately. And how "oh, poor me, my life fucking sucks" I've been.
And it's time to stop.


It's time to get positive. The sun is shining, the snow is finally melting, and it's time to be just as bright and happy as the outside world is.

For starters; no more setting myself up to fail.
This means not going to the grocery store.
Or, if I must go, I will not ask for Cadbury/bread/Tostitos/cheese/Pocky/crackers/potatoes.
I will ask for apples and celery and chicken broth.
I'm going to do my best to get down to 150 by the play. I will not eat tremendous amounts of food, and I will take all money out of my wallet so as not to tempt me.

I will stop thinking about how much everyone prefers my friend C over me. I will not stress over the fact that I have no date for the prom, as the guy I actually had thought might asked me asked another girl (not that I care, he's my friend and she's the sweetest freaking thing ever. He'd just been all over lately, which confused me).



And finally, I will paint my nails yellow as an outward symbol of my newfound optimism.

Funhouse Mirrors.

Thank you guys for your lovely comments.
Maybe I am being a bit hard on J, and I know she's most definitely fucked up in the head. But she's been this way since seventh grade, and it pisses me off that she doesn't even attempt to try to be a good person (I could go into detail about what I mean here, but I'll save it for a rainy day. If You're absolutely desperate to know, well, you're out of luck. The short short version is that she's an absolute bitch and fucks with peoples minds. That doesn't even begin to cover it). At least I try to be nice to people, even though I know my mind is fucked up.

I had done well today, until I came home and ate dinner.
To which I say, fuck.

Have you ever had a day when you just FEEL heavy? I mean, I always feel heavy, but one of those days when your limbs feel as though they're 100 pounds each and it's all you can do to climb up the stairs into bed?
That's what I feel like.


On another note, I have fully confirmed that I am not a normal human being. Also known as, my brain is messed the fuck up.
Normal people gain two or three pounds, they look in the mirror and see no difference.
I look in the mirror and see an even fatter stomach, a puffy-cheeked face, and a disappearing collarbone.
All from three pounds, tops.




Did they replace my mirrors with funhouse mirrors while I slept?

Fucking wannarexics.

Binge monster won't go away.
Next three days are going to be fruits and vegetables only. And soup if I need it. Fuck. Nothing's on track. I'm such a fuckup.

Now, I know I'm in no way anorexic. Not even close, though I restrict, I binge often (fuckup). If I had to diagnose, I'd personally say ED-NOS (but it doesn't sound nearly as good as anorexia, does it?).
There's a girl at my school, my "friend".
Let's call her J.

She's such a fucking wannarexic, but she actually doesn't eat. She can't weigh more than seventy pounds, tops. She's the skinniest fucking thing ever, but it's not the kind of skinny I want to be. I want to be skinny like Adriana Lima or Kate Moss.
She literally looks like a skeleton.
Direct quotes from her:
"Oh, yeah... I have kidney failure. Because I'm anorexic, you know? But I just took my pills, so I'm fine."
"I had to go to the hospital... I passed out. You know, because I don't eat."
"Yeah, 'cause I'm anorexic!"






No fucking joke right now.
Don't you just want to slap her upside her fucking dumbass head?

I had done so fucking good today.
Goddammit.

Thank you guys for your sweet comments. I don't usually pay attention to my night weight, it's just a habit. Lets me know how much I ate.
Which, tonight, was a lot.
A lot of bread and fucking cheesecake bites.

So I expect to see a gain tomorrow morning.

I seem to be hovering around 160-162.
GO DOWN DAMMIT.







And yet the voice in my head tells me "It'll go down when you get your goddamn act together. Fat whore."

Short.

I don't feel like saying much today.

Had a blow-up with my parents last night.
Seems to have been resolved without words.


Talked to L today in class. Kicked the pro-capital punishment debate team's ass into the ground with strongly evidenced arguments and awesome cross-exam responses.
They tried to claim we didn't answer their question, when in fact I had.
Our teacher even got into it, saying, "I'm pretty sure they answered it... Even if you don't like the answer."
I laughed.



I feel so dissociated from life right now. I had an AP test and didn't even give a fuck. I ate another candy bar and a cookie and didn't even give a fuck. I weighed in at 160.2 this morning and 161.6 this evening. Goddamn I'm such a fatass.
Tomorrow, I'm sticking to my plan. I'll stick to my plan if it kills me. I have to.

Don't talk to me.

I'm not worth it; Not worth anyone's time and effort.

If I at least tried a little bit, then maybe I'd be worth the effort.
But I'm not.

Sitting here, eating my Doritos and Oreos, I feel nothing and everything. All at once.
Happy; because it tastes so good.
Sad; Because I've let myself down again.
Angry; Because I can't control myself.
Apathetic; Because I do this all the time... What difference does one more time make?

I'm a total failure.

This is why I shouldn't have friends.
This is why I've never had a boyfriend.
This is why I'm pretty sure I never will.






Because I'm pathetic.