Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Something's not right.

Something's not working right.
Is it my body? Is it my mind?

Lunch was a few bites of an apple.
Then a fucking cupcake.
And maybe one or two potato chips.
Weighed 159.8 this morning (or was it 160?), came home, was 158.8 (my scale, 159.2 my parents' scale. Something's fucked up).
So I ate a goddamn bagel.
And some marshmallows.
And a banana.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Someone give me your awesome control, just lend it to me for a little while.
Is there actually anything to that whole eating breakfast shit?
Might as well try, I have nothing else to lose.

Except my mind.

My friend and I were talking about my ass this morning (because all the weight I lose goes from my ass and thighs before anything else. Just go from my stomach, goddammit!).
She asked me "Have you really lost that much weight?"
"Yeah... Like twenty pounds since October."

Maybe I was just destined to be fat. The people I'm around don't even notice a twenty pound weight difference.
Then again, it was pretty goddamn gradual. Is it too much to want to be 150 by next Friday? Probably. Unless I find that elusive control, I'll never make it anywhere. On the bright side, next week is Hell Week (phrase coined by me, the week we have tech rehearsals for play) which means I won't be home until 7, which means no eating until after 7, and I'm not supposed to be eating after 7:30 anyway.
So, maybe next week will be better. Goddamn fat.


  1. Wow, that's pretty mean to ask someone if they've really lost weight. Also, it's just one person's opinion. For all you know your friend could be hella jealous. (Btw, we should trade where we lose weight. I need my hips/butt/legs to gooo aaawwaayy!!! And you want your stomach to go away. We could be like Freaky Friday: weight loss edition! I hope that got a little laugh out of you, I hate seeing you so sad).
    Maybe a trigger is lingering around. Like, idk, the scale! Why do you weigh at night??? It doesn't help. It either depresses you or gives you a false sense of security. Just weigh in the mornings! Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. Just keep trying and one day you'll realize that all you had was something small or mostly liquids. Also, Hell Week (ooh just like american idol!!) Sounds like it'll be awesome for you babe.
    Good luck and chin up!
    Scarlet <3

  2. what i wudnt give for that!!! i always seem to lose it from my chest. like wtf!! i want skinny legs and a tiny ass... my stomach is blahh anyway... i wish i cud have yours weightloss areas:( so unfair
    -love u btw, we will be thin oneday... i think... maybe. i hope. or il die trying