Thursday, December 10, 2009

Fatter each day

I'm running as fast as I can. I'm trying so hard. SO hard. My school has a bake sale for the Junior Post-Prom Party. HOW ABOUT A CAR WASH INSTEAD. Instead of forcing me to bake brownies to smell brownies to salivate over brownies to eat brownies to let brownies make me fatter.
I went to my therapist for the second session today. We got into my self-esteem issues. Bleh. What. Ever. She's making me make a list of things I value about myself. Well, how about I make a list here of things I DON'T value about myself.

1. No self-confidence
2. Lower than low self-esteem
3. Fat. Anything more to say? No. Just FAT.
4. Ugly
5. Damaged hair
6. Greasy skin
7. Scars on my leg
8. Clumsy
9. No self-control
10. Bingeing.
11. My deformed pinkies
12. My middle-class life
13. My "friends" who aren't really even friends
14. My friends who make me eat
15. Chocolate for even being introduced to me
16. Freckles
17. Compulsive nail-biting
18. Too-big boobs
19. Disproportionate body
20. Zits

That'll be all for now. I could go on.
I'm going to have to go back to my old form of journaling, with my notebook, because I'm officially grounded for not cleaning my room. Fuck you, Dad. He took away my computer, and the only reason I'm typing this now is because I'm getting pictures for my art project.
I binged like crazy today. I don't even have the guts to throw it all up. I don't even know how many calories I was supposed to have tomorrow, because my ABC list is on my computer. So I'm just going to go Monday 100, Tuesday 200, Wednesday 300, Thursday 300, Friday 200, Saturday 100, Sunday fast. Pray for me, anyone who bothers to read this.

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