Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Happy the hard way.

I'm kind of disillusioned with the world.

After last night's binge, I'm at an incredible 168.6 (that's two ounces LOWER than yesterday's morning weight). I made a smoothie at 160 calories, which leaves me just enough calories left for a VitaminWater10 for dinner. Lately I've been pushing ABC aside, telling it "Oh, tomorrow, tomorrow I'll get back on track." Today, Ana says no. Ana wants to hear the stomach growl, to feel the abs burn after 500 crunches. Sometimes Chloe (my affectionate name for COE/BED?) taunts me. But not today.

I don't get it, just one little chocolate couldn't be so bad...

Ana: Don't you fucking dare. Fatass. You know you can't stop at one.
Chloe: Do it. Do it. You know you want to. You know eating all of it will put a smile on your face.
Ana: NO! It'll only make you regret it later. If you shove that in your mouth, I'll make you pay.
Chloe: Don't listen to her. She's such a downer. Eat it. EAT it. What's the worse that could happen?
Ana: You'll get FAT. Well, who are we kidding, fattER. You'll be more of a cow than you already are.
Chloe: She's being overdramatic. You aren't fat. You'll never be fat, not with me as your friend!
Ana: She's lying to you. She'll never tell you the truth. The only two things in the world that will tell you the truth are me and your fucking mirror...

At this point, I'm generally curled in a fetal position, trying to get the voices out of my head. I am so fucked up.


  1. ana's right i say listen to her.:) I do

  2. I know how it feels...but maybe just sleep through those moments, (if you can) until the voices calm down. Remember, Ana only wants what is best for us.

    Stay Strong!

  3. Definitely. Sleep them away. Best cure. Works for me. When I wake up Ana has usually already smothered my other voices while I was sleeping. If you can get to sleep, it's the way to go.
    xx SS!