Sunday, December 13, 2009


This word haunts me. I know I'm not anorexic. I know I'm not bulimic. But does beating myself up over not being able to control my eating like I should, not being able to truly starve make me wannarexic? 
God knows I never asked for disordered eating. I know I eat disorderedly. But where does the line between wanna- and disordered really exist? Am I making up my binge-eating disorder to compensate for the fact that I eat too much , used to eat more than too much on a regular basis? How did I even get introduced to the Pro-Ana community? I don't remember. Another sleepless night like this one. 
Am I wanna? It worries me to think that might be true.
Am I disordered? Most likely.
Am I fucked up? Definitely.
Since my daily torture, I've felt like the loser, the wannabe, the outcast. Always one step behind, always one beat too late. I never want to be the one on the outside, the one longing to be a part of the action, again. And that makes me a wannabe. All my fears have been confirmed. Fuck.

1 comment:

  1. Oh no no no. You're not a 'wannarexic' at all baby! Don't feel that way! If you really think about it, EDNOS would maybe fit, if you really WANT a label (EDNOS stands for 'eating disorder not otherwise specified).
    Don't worry about it, seriously. We are all here for the same reason - to lose weight and support each other in doing so. You can do this, I know you can. You're no wannabe, and we all know it.
    We're all rooting for you baby, I know I am :)