Awful.

I received an email from one of my most treasured email buddies today; She was upset about some of the things I've said on here recently.
So I want to clarify, and also apologize to her, what really goes on in my mind.

I don't really want to be sick, I don't want to be in the hospital. Low irons levels, yes, I can live without. I just want something tangible, that shows I've been putting in effort. The mirror doesn't prove anything, the numbers don't prove much more. What goes on internally- that's the proof. Do I really, truly want it? No. Do I really, truly want something to show for everything I've been through?
Hell yes.

I also wrote, "I always have rude comments in my head for people I don't know or don't like. I always think mean things, especially about, well... larger people. I mean like insanely obese.
It scares me, obesity does."

This really bothers me, because I don't know what I was honestly thinking at the time I wrote this.
No clue.

A lot of times, as I attempted to explain to my email buddy, I have trouble really saying what I want to say, finding the right words for what I feel.
What I meant by this comment was that being on the brink of obesity in October scared the absolute crap out of me. I did not mean, in any way shape or form that I make fun of obese people, or think rude things as they walk by.
It's more of a... Oh gosh, I'm having one of those finding the right words moment.
I don't think obese or overweight people are any less beautiful or human, especially when they're happy in their own skin.
I ENVY that.
It's more that, when I was there on that ledge, I felt so... less than human and wretched. So uncomfortable in my own body that I just wanted to wriggle out of it and float away.
Of course, I still feel that way.

So, email buddy (who shall remained unnamed, since I'm unsure of how she feels about me announcing her on my blog... Eep. I know I have privacy issues), I would like to apologize again, and to anyone else I may have offended with my comments. I'm truly sorry.