Monday, May 10, 2010


I received an email from one of my most treasured email buddies today; She was upset about some of the things I've said on here recently.
So I want to clarify, and also apologize to her, what really goes on in my mind.

I don't really want to be sick, I don't want to be in the hospital. Low irons levels, yes, I can live without. I just want something tangible, that shows I've been putting in effort. The mirror doesn't prove anything, the numbers don't prove much more. What goes on internally- that's the proof. Do I really, truly want it? No. Do I really, truly want something to show for everything I've been through?
Hell yes.

I also wrote, "I always have rude comments in my head for people I don't know or don't like. I always think mean things, especially about, well... larger people. I mean like insanely obese.
It scares me, obesity does."

This really bothers me, because I don't know what I was honestly thinking at the time I wrote this.
No clue.

A lot of times, as I attempted to explain to my email buddy, I have trouble really saying what I want to say, finding the right words for what I feel.
What I meant by this comment was that being on the brink of obesity in October scared the absolute crap out of me. I did not mean, in any way shape or form that I make fun of obese people, or think rude things as they walk by.
It's more of a... Oh gosh, I'm having one of those finding the right words moment.
I don't think obese or overweight people are any less beautiful or human, especially when they're happy in their own skin.
I ENVY that.
It's more that, when I was there on that ledge, I felt so... less than human and wretched. So uncomfortable in my own body that I just wanted to wriggle out of it and float away.
Of course, I still feel that way.

So, email buddy (who shall remained unnamed, since I'm unsure of how she feels about me announcing her on my blog... Eep. I know I have privacy issues), I would like to apologize again, and to anyone else I may have offended with my comments. I'm truly sorry.

1 comment:

  1. Honey if we can't be honest with each other, we're doomed.

    It is perhaps important to say what you mean, and to mean what you say, but don't EVER not say something because it may or may not make you sound sick/bad/fat/whatever.

    We love you. Tell it like it is.