Saturday, May 1, 2010

Not gonna lie...

Prom kind of sucked. Thanks everyone for your kind words. :] I had fun though, once we got past the sucky, awkward, "I hate all these fucking sophomores get them out of my prom," part.
The after-party was fun, too, but it wasn't worth it to be overexcited.
Charr.; Since you asked, I'm seventeen. :]

I want to respond to a comment I got from carport321.
I do appreciate your advice, and your comments, and it seems like you're a very passionate person who cares a great deal. When I'm with my friends, I don't wallow in self-pity. I have a great time. The only time I truly wallow is when I'm alone, when I can. If I were to be wallowing about, I wouldn't be able to keep my amazing friends, they wouldn't allow it. I've always been a happy, sociable person in public.
Maybe I haven't been given a complete shit deal, but my life hasn't been a piece of cake, and I don't just sit around bemoaning my fate. I actually do a lot of charity work, helping out at my church, and with school sponsored events. I almost had to get a tuberculosis shot last summer because of all the times I worked at soup kitchens last year.
I can't help it if the way I view the world makes you sick. I can't help my feelings on matters, and I know neither can you. I care what I weigh, and I am not happy with where I am.
How am I supposed to expect anyone else to be happy with me if I can't even be happy with myself?
So, I will not stop. I'm not uneducated, I'm very well-read, as a matter of fact, and I know exactly what I'm doing. Maybe that makes it worse, I don't know. But I won't stop "hurting" myself until I don't deserve to be hurt anymore. From where I stand, the only thing that truly hurts is seeing the number go up on the scale, and seeing my clothes not fitting anymore.
Thank you, though, for caring enough to write such a wonderful comment, I do appreciate it.


  1. You are very well educated- I can tell this. It's hard to believe you're only 17 and you write this well! There is a correlation between people with eating disorders and higher levels of literacy:)

    That person, Carport321, does not understand eating disorders. It is about the scale. It doesn't matter how much we hurt our bodies. We are not "wallowing in self pity", we are taking control of something and reaching out to grab the reigns. We want to control our lives and our weight. We want to be better at everything... this is just our outlet. It's not a show, ladies and gentlemen. I'm starving for myself.

    I'm sorry your prom sucked (six years ago). Mine did, too. My boyfriend wouldn't let me wear makeup because he was this crazy religion, my hair looked stupid and my dress was UGLY. Then I got food poisoning and was puking when we took pics... then I got a bladder infection. HORRIBLE. I didn't even make it inside to dance and never went to my senior prom. Oh well!

  2. I like this post. I'm going to be blunt and leave it at that :)

  3. Charlie,
    I appreciate your post. You are a beautiful person, and your scale is lying. You should throw away your scale, your fashion magazines and anything else that makes you believe this lie.

    You are not taking the reigns. The reigns are taking you.

  4. That carport123 person has been jumping all over the blogs lately...
    They don't seem to understand that what we do is no different from what everyone else does, we just have the heart to admit it. So we wanna be thin. So does everybody else, but the diff is that we perpetually work for it. At one point or another, everyone exhibits ED behavior. People who do the atkinssouthbeachhollywooddietscarsdaledietorsimplystickto1500calsadaywith500calsofexercise are all doing something that's not completely kosher. What about the fast-5 diet?? Don't eat anything until 5pm? Most of us don't even go that far everyday! So before carport123 want to judge our little community over here, they should look in the mirror, or the magazines, or at the millions of people who do the same thing while hiding in the cloak of health.
    Sorry about your prom, but I mean, it's a day in history now, and you can always lie about it to your kids, lol. ;P
    I didn't have a prom so at least you're one up from me!

  5. Carport-

    Either way, we are not wallowing in self pity. That was my point.

    OH MY GOD! You have the cure for anorexia! Just throw out the scale and magazines. Brilliant.