Monday, May 17, 2010


Is something I am extremely proficient in.

Hence my more-distended-than-usual belly and guilty conscience.

I'm about as terrified of failing as I am terrified of people. The thought of failing because I tried so hard and just wasn't good enough petrifies me.
And instead of being a normal person and working harder, I sabotage myself.

I realized this on the way to my job interview. I was nervous about the interview itself, and instead of getting ready early, I dawdled and hemmed and hawed getting ready, forcing a mad dash to make the interview on time. I think I've always figured, "Hey, I'm going to do bad anyway. What's the point of actually trying?"

This is what I've been doing a lot recently, especially where eating is concerned. I just throw in the towel after the slightest crack in my armor.

How do I stop?

I promise I'm going to try harder tomorrow.
I'm such a fucking disappointment.


  1. You are far from a disappointment.

    "Fat-free" muffins over 300 calories are a fucking disappointment.

    You just need a comforting push. *gives slight nudge*

  2. You're totally not a dissapointment charlie. And congrats on the job btw. :)
    I think you put too much emphasis on things. You have a fear of success. If you succeed at something, then you say well I have to keep doing this or it's for nothing. Then that's like pressure pressure pressure and you pop and do whatever. You're the opposite of me. But you, unlike me, can balance yourself out so you don't become a spaz. All you have to do is realize that just because you do something once doesn't mean you have to keep doing it a million times. Like if you completed a three day liquid fast you would say great but now everytime I do a liquid fast I have to do at least three days or I'm a failure. Which is not true!!! Just do it and don't think about the future. Think about what you're doing now, the task at hand, then once you complete that decide on what you're gonna do next. You can do it charlie-angel and look totally hot at camp next month! Is that cameron diaz?!? :)

  3. That is a really hard qestion.
    i also do that a lot.
    i should be studing for my biology exam but i am just stiing here. i know that the night befor my exam i will just hate myself for not lerning more.

    I hope you find your answer


  4. I know it is all to easier to once you have a slip, say "fuck it I have already eaten some I shouldn't have I might as well gorge my self." But don't think like that, just think, "right I ate something I should have but I'm going to leave it at that and continue on with what I am allowed to eat." Don't give in just because you have a little slip.

    When you think, "I have ruined my day, by eating this" think instead "I WILL ruin my day if I keep going."

    It is hard to do and I know myself very well, but if you can do it, it will give you a great sense of achievemnet knowing you stopped yourself.