Saturday, May 8, 2010


Calories today.

It's time to stop.

I feel so weird. Sososoweird.
Life doesn't seem real anymore.
Pain is real.
The wind is real.
But inside my head doesn't feel real.
It feels


I'm going through the motions and nothing's changing, nothing's getting better.
I need to be skinny if I'm going to work at a camp.

I need to be less crazy if I'm going to finish life.

My arm is swollen and sore from the blood donation needle.
My iron levels were good, 13.1.

This is bad.
I wanted to be turned away, I wanted to have accomplished something, proving that I really have lost this weight.

But, no.
I gave blood.
Got my t-shirtpinnailpolishsnackanddrink.

Grabbed a pack of Oreos.
Ate three.
Was disgusted with myself.
Gave the rest to a lightheaded friend.
She asked why I wasn't lightheaded.

Maybe because I'm barely an inch taller than you and weigh 30 pounds more?

Weighed in at 156.6 this morning.
Which should be better.
But I'm so detached I barely care.
It's not good enough.
Not good enough.

Will I ever be good enough?


  1. You will get there. I'm sure you saw my post about getting turned away from the donation... it was a triumph in a sad way. I know exactly how you feel having not been turned away, but at least you could do a good thing.

    Just imagine, this time next year you probably won't weigh enough to donate :) Keep you're head up!

  2. hey this time you gave blood. you saved a life. next time youll be turned away. i believe in you!! =]

  3. Hey hunni. The disconnect your feeling with real life....I've felt that for the last 3 and 1/2 years of my life. So much for your teens are the best years of your life. (I'm 14). Yeah I wish I could eat as little as you. Here I am as fat as fuck eating more and more. Well your doing a great job hunni. I am proud of you :)