Calories today.
It's time to stop.
I feel so weird. Sososoweird.
Life doesn't seem real anymore.
Pain is real.
The wind is real.
But inside my head doesn't feel real.
It feels
empty
hollow
dizzy
I'm going through the motions and nothing's changing, nothing's getting better.
I need to be skinny if I'm going to work at a camp.
I need to be less crazy if I'm going to finish life.
My arm is swollen and sore from the blood donation needle.
My iron levels were good, 13.1.
This is bad.
I wanted to be turned away, I wanted to have accomplished something, proving that I really have lost this weight.
But, no.
I gave blood.
Got my t-shirtpinnailpolishsnackanddrink.
Grabbed a pack of Oreos.
Ate three.
Was disgusted with myself.
Gave the rest to a lightheaded friend.
She asked why I wasn't lightheaded.
Maybe because I'm barely an inch taller than you and weigh 30 pounds more?
Weighed in at 156.6 this morning.
Which should be better.
But I'm so detached I barely care.
It's not good enough.
Not good enough.
Will I ever be good enough?
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About Me
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- Charlie
- Hi, I'm Charlie. I like lists, chocolate, losing, and friends. I hate chocolate, gaining, bitches. I love you.
My Goals
164.2 lbs/26.7 BMI (1/26/2010)
160._lbs/26.0 BMI (2/25/2010)
153.5 lbs/25.0 BMI (7/2/2010)
147.5 lbs/24.0 BMI (third goal, first “healthy” weight)
141.5 lbs/23.0 BMI (fourth goal)
135._lbs/22.0 BMI (fifth goal)
129._lbs/21.0 BMI (sixth goal)
123._lbs/20.0 BMI (seventh goal)
117._ lbs/19.0 BMI (eighth goal, last “healthy” weight)
110.5 lbs/18.0 BMI (ninth goal)
104.5 lbs/17.0 BMI (tenth goal)
99.__lbs/16.1 BMI (ultimate goal!)
HW: 180.4
LW: 153.2
UGW: 98
Height: 5'5 3/4"
Blog Archive
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2010
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May
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- Connected.
- Farewell.
- You're one in a million.
- "We're creatures of the underworld. We can't affor...
- So funny.
- I need _______________
- Failure.
- Good Day.
- Beautiful girls.
- Mentally Unstable.
- Hell is a place where everyone binges.
- Models Don't Eat Chocolate Cookies
- NomNomNomNom
- Self-sabotage
- Got it?
- Long road to nowhere.
- Chemical Diet
- Right.
- Trying something new.
- Modified.
- Aw, fuck.
- Mental Makeover.
- Awful.
- I'm ready.
- Scared.
- 325
- Summer.
- Back from the hospital.
- I've never felt this way before.
- Bubbly.
- I'd give, I'd bend. Let's play pretend.
- Fair-weather friends.
- It's something.
- Not gonna lie...
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May
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You will get there. I'm sure you saw my post about getting turned away from the donation... it was a triumph in a sad way. I know exactly how you feel having not been turned away, but at least you could do a good thing.
ReplyDeleteJust imagine, this time next year you probably won't weigh enough to donate :) Keep you're head up!
hey this time you gave blood. you saved a life. next time youll be turned away. i believe in you!! =]
ReplyDeleteHey hunni. The disconnect your feeling with real life....I've felt that for the last 3 and 1/2 years of my life. So much for your teens are the best years of your life. (I'm 14). Yeah I wish I could eat as little as you. Here I am as fat as fuck eating more and more. Well your doing a great job hunni. I am proud of you :)
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