Thursday, May 6, 2010

Back from the hospital.

List-cap (re-cap in list form) at the end. For those of you who'd rather read random, sporadic words and phrases than this whole entry. :]

Did I tell you guys about my anorexic "friend" who was getting treatment?

I can't remember.
Anyway, she hasn't been in school for a month or so now, because she's been getting treatment for her anorexia. Yes, I'm still skeptical.
She's been going to treatment, but only during the day. This makes me suspicious, because if it were me, and my family, I would still be going to school, and probably going to treatment at night (not that I'll be needing/wanting treatment any time soon, with this fucking fat). It just...makes more sense, right? Get someone to fucking monitor her eating lunch. We all know she won't, though.
I still think she does everything for attention, but hey, what do I know?
I do know that I am the exact opposite of her. I don't want the attention. I just want to float away.
She comes in today and starts showing off the weight she's gained. Really?

Sorry, the whole thing pisses me off.

On another note, during my psychology class, I learned something (I know, shocking!).

Avoidant Personality Disorder
Symptoms include:
-Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection.
-Self-imposed social isolation.
-Extreme shyness or social anxiety in social situations, though feels a strong desire for close relationships.
-Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus.
-Avoids interpersonal relationships.
-Feelings of inadequacy.
-Severe low self-esteem
-Mistrust of others.
-Emotional distancing related to intimacy.
-Highly self-conscious.
-Self-critical about their problems relating to others.
-Problems in occupational functioning.
-Feeling inferior to others.
-Lonely self-perception.
-Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts.

Fits me to a fucking T. Now how the fuck do I get rid of it?

Trying to decide whether or not to eat dinner tonight. I feel like a fat pig.
I had my salad at lunch today (140, got comments about how small it was. Fuck off, you know?), and some carrots (35).
But before that I had bunches of Teddy Grahams and Hershey's Hugs.
Not enough to feel full.
But enough to feel fat.

1. I feel fat.
2. She's fucking back.
3. I almost got raped by a lesbian today (yeah, haha, I know that wasn't in the main part of my spiel, but I had to add it. Oh, I have to add this too: I am not homophobic in any way shape or form, this girl is the creepiest, sketchiest fucking person I know and invades my personal space, the end).
4. Avoidant Personality Disorder.
5. Eateateat. Starvestarvestarve.
6. Dinner? Or no dinner? You guys decide for me. :]

I've been feeling down lately, so leave me some love? Just a comment saying, "Oh hey." would be nice. :]
Or, feel free to email me: :]


  1. Giving some love :). Sorry you didn't have such a great day. I think I have that avoidant personality disorder too. It sounds exactly like me, I didn't think there was an actually disorder for it as I choose not to be social but hey you learn something new everyday. Hope tomorrow is better.
    Rachel x

  2. Hey Charlie,

    Just wanted to say that I'm still reading, even though I suck at commenting.
    In my psych class, every single disorder we learn about... i decide i have it. and then i argue with myself about which one i have MORE. As interesting as those classes are, sometimes they suck for that reason.

    Anyway. you're doing great! good job bringing your own salads to lunch, that's awesome to be in control of what you're eating like that!!!

    P.S. I'm thinking about making a new email address to connect to my blog/youtube/other accounts where i have ed-related material. right now my address has my name in it. anyway, when i make the account, i'll totally email you if you'd like :)

  3. Join the personality disorder club! I have BPD. And the only way to fix these this is to change your behavior. It's hard.

    And my vote? No dinner. I'll be restricting with you:)

  4. hmm wht seems sketchy is that she comes back to school and is advertising herself. im not sure...idk it does seem really weird. oh and your peers will back off eventually. mine did and i dont even eat a lunch anymore. =]

  5. Hey Charlie,

    Thanks for your comment, it still feels so amazing to be inspirational to someone. I actually do feel wonderful for the first time in so many months.

    About dinner: no matter what the situation is, I always feel better about myself when I don't eat whatever it is I might be thinking about eating. Every bite you don't take is a step closer to thin.

    <3 Eva