Please follow my new blog...

If you still want to hear my crazy ramblings. :]
If not, I completely understand, haha.

http://becomingethereal.blogspot.com/

Hey guys.

I know I said I was going to stop posting on Blogger.
And I am, at least on this account.


There are times when I really miss just ranting and rambling in a big long paragraph. But this blog just has too many memories of an Old Me that isn't here anymore. I have a new blog for the new me. You can find it here:

Becoming Ethereal (http://becomingethereal.blogspot.com/)

As you can see, it's appropriately titled, as per my obsession with attempting to be delicate and airy.


I hope you'll follow my new blog, but if you don't, I understand. :) I will be following some blogs I read daily, and I generally follow those who follow me (sometimes hard to keep track, but I try!).


Hope to see you soon.

xoxo,
Charlie

It's official.

I'm going to stop posting on Blogger.


Which probably comes as no surprise, as I haven't been posting lately, also which I've said before, blah, blah.


But this time, it's for real, unless something drastic happens in my life that requires me to blog on Blogger.
I am on Tumblr, for those of you that have it (http://brokenmirrors-charlie.tumblr.com/), and I post on Tumblr regularly.


I love you all. I wish you the best in whatever you try to accomplish; weight loss, weight gain, recovery, should you so choose.

I love you, and thank you for all your support over the past year.

I need your help!

I'm not even gonna comment on my last few insane/psychotic posts.

BUT I NEED YOUR HELP.

I have to do a senior dance this year, because I'm a senior, and I'm leaving my dance school for college next year.

And I have to pick a song.

And I have no clue!


So I'd love some song suggestions from you guys- Any and all would be much appreciated. :]

I think I'm going insane.

My mental thought process is very quickly degrading.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm not going to edit this post at all so you all can see-the entire internet can see what the fuck is going on inside my head. I swear this is complete what's-it-called shit I don't remember what it's called- STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS.

This is what's going on in my head and dear sweet Jesus, I think I'm finally breaking.
I don't even know what the fuck is wrong with me and I feel like and idiot and K probably thinks I'm an idiot for texting him so much and he probably just laughs at everything I fucking say because that's how ridiculous I am and oh my God I swear I'm fucking psycho.
This doesn't make any sense, I know and it probably seems like this is completely fucking fake but SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME all my thoughts are going too fast and I have a headache... Maybe I'm just pretending to be going crazy- but that's crazy, pretending to be going insane. I've been eating way too much lately, maybe that's it. I'm getting sick, my throat is sore, I only have three more weeks of hell/school left and I can't wait to graduate and I can't wait for fucking college. I don't know how I'm going to handle camp this year I've been such a fucking little kid talking to him he probably thinksKNOWS I'm ridiculous, Jesus I almost spelled "ridiculous" with a fucking "E", like "rediculous"... So much for spelling bee champ.

Blegh.

I binged tonight.
What else is new.

I've decided it's absolutely pointless to try to lose weight while living at home. So I'm just going to try to maintain the 166 for next Sunday, then continue on with my Plan from there.

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself

I hate myself.

I weighed this morning at 167.4. I ate a little extra last night, wanted to boost my metabolism.

At midday, after intense room-cleaning, I was back to 166.2, which was nice.
I had to eat dinner with the family.


I didn't have to eat the entire bag of Starburst Gummies, or the entire bag of chocolate-covered pretzels.

And now I'm 168.4.

I hate myself, and I hate these binges that happen at home.


I didn't purge today or yesterday. It took a lot not to purge after my little 9 p.m. binge tonight. I wanted to so bad.



God, I'm pathetic. I know I say that a lot, and you guys reassure me that I'm not, but I am. I'm pathetic, and no one really pays attention to what I do anymore.
I wish wishing for things actually worked.



Hopefully I can sleep off these two pounds at wake up at the goal for this week, 166.
I hate being at home all day. I really do.

Alright.

So I purged again today, for the fourth day in a row.

I swore I wasn't going to.
And I might not have, were it not for going out with my friend after school. We got frozen yogurt, which is fine in itself, and had I just had the frozen yogurt, I probably wouldn't have purged (it did have strawberries and M&Ms on top, but whatever. I've been doing really well this week, with the exception of all the purging...).

But my friend got two big soft pretzels for herself and made me hold one. I told her not to, that I was going to eat it all.
She told me, "Go ahead."
So I did.
And I purged as soon as I got home.

Got all of the pretzel up, too. A little of the yogurt. The pretzel came up exactly the way it went down... Fast, in big chunks. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't painful or sticky in my throat like bread usually is, probably because of the yogurt.


I need to get out of this purging cycle.

On a brighter note, I woke up this morning at 166.4.

So I've already hit my goal weight for the week.
But I can't start slacking.

Because next week will be hell.
I'll be home almost all week (except for Tuesday and Wednesday- Tuesday I'm going on a college visit, and Wednesday I'm going to party at a completely different college. Yay, college parties!), which means lot of opportunities to purge. And binge. And be generally gross and fat.

I will be 140 by June 12. I will be 140 by June 12. I will be 140 by June 12.

Current measurements vs. old measurements

I know I don't usually post measurements, but I like the tiny differences I see from October 2009 to now.

(And I know ALL these measurements are HUGE)

October 11, 2009
Waist: 36
Hips: 40.5
Bust: (No measurement? Not sure why...)
Arms: 13
Thighs: 26

April 13, 2011
Waist: 32
Hips: 38.5
Bust: 40
Arms: 11.5
Thighs: 24

I know it's not a lot, and it's not as good as over the summer, but it makes me feel like the past three days of starving during the day and purging at night are kind of worth it.

Kind of?

I'm a big fat disappointment (emphasis on FAT)

I'm really fucking upset right now.

My play, the one I spent hours working on, putting every inch of myself and my problems and my soul into, didn't make it to the finals.

I'm a fucking semi-finalist, runner-up, for yet another time in my life.
Always. I'm never first place, always second or third or last.

I really don't mean to bore you guys with depressing shit about my life but it's like bam, bam, bam, this has just been a fucking year of rejections. And it hurts so bad, makes me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. And everything that's happened just proves that.


And I want someone to be here, to hug me when I push them away and realize when nothing's going right and ignore my fake smile when I say I'm fine.

Because I'm not fucking fine, and no one wants to acknowledge that.

Everyone is content to just accept it, because to be honest, no one wants to admit that other people have problems. We want to keep people as these porcelain dolls, who don't have problems. I might have issues, but HER? She's perfect, she doesn't have a care in the world.

Because we don't want to care. We don't give a shit about anything that happens outside our own little world. But we want other people to care.

The world's fucked. No one wants to fix it. Everyone wants someone else to fix it.


Well, fuck it. I'm fixing my own fucking world, one purge, one fast, one day at a time. I'm fixing it my way, and no one's going to fucking stop me.
And I'll come in first place.
And everyone will be jealous.

400

I haven't posted in awhile for a few reasons.

My least selfish reason is that this is my 400th post, and I wanted to save it for something special.

I don't know if this is special enough, but it's my life, my blog, and I'm going to do whatever I want with it.

My plan is to lose 30 pounds by June 12.
That's 62 days.
That's 10 weeks.

I know what you're thinking.
"Wow, Charlie, you're stupid. You know you can't do that."
"Give up now, you know you're just going to binge."


I'm thinking that, too.
But I've planned out every meal this week.
Each day does not exceed 999 calories (most stay within the 500-800 range).

I plan on working out every day, at least 30 minutes.

It's 3 pounds a week, which is difficult, but most definitely not impossible.

So this is my 400th post.
Wow. This sucks.




Hmm.. How to make this interesting.
I dunno.
I'm kind of bingeing right now, which is not good for 12:15 a.m., but I'm writing a fucking essay, so whatever.

Definitely pulling an all-nighter right now.
I haven't done this in awhile.

I just want to sleep forever.

Went to the doctor today, didn't get much of anything. No diagnosis, no meds, no nothing.

I have a low-grade fever, but I'm still getting crazy chills, and right now I'm so cold you'd think it was February.
But it's April, and the house is warm.


I want to stay home again tomorrow. But I think my dad still thinks I'm faking.
He always thinks I'm faking.


So all I need is a fever tomorrow, and I can stay home and sleep all day.





It was nice waking up this morning at 169.8, as I went to sleep at 172.


Now I've fucked it all up by eating so much... I haven't even been hungry.
Someone make me stop eating please. Please.

Fuck.

I'm sorry for being a terrible follower and blogger guys, this past week has been.... Ugh.


Thank you all for your supportive-ass comments, I really appreciate them, and I love every single one of you.


I'm having trouble forming coherent thoughts right now, or at least that's what I'm telling myself.
Somehow, between yesterday and today, I managed to get sick. Body aching, head throbbing, hacking, chilly, miserable sick.
My throat doesn't hurt yet, which is odd, because I always get sore throats when I get sick.


My unicorn Pillow Pet, Larry, keeps me company, because I have no one else who will.



Hah. I'm such a sad sack.
Every time I stand up my head throbs and says, "Sit your ass back down, motherfucker."
Food has no real appeal to me right now.



Which, unfortunately doesn't stop me from shoving it in my mouth.

I'm going to go to bed. I'll probably be home sick tomorrow (hopefully? I do not want to go to school like this), so I'll have time to catch up on all your blogs then.

Love you all. :]

Yet again, inadequate.

It's literally like no matter how hard I try, nothing ever works out how I want it to.

This year, I was supposed to have the lead role, great costumes, a wonderful boyfriend, an amazing body, and everything was supposed to fall into place.

This year, I got a shit part, the girl who got the lead has costumes ten times better than mine, I'm still fucking single for the eighteenth year of my life, I'm fatter than I was this time last year, and nothing is working out.
I also started throwing up my food, to add to my attractiveness.
There's always a catch, always SOMETHING has to fucking go wrong and then screw EVERYTHING fucking else up.


I was honestly contemplating suicide while I was in the shower. And I mean, I don't usually do that sort of thing, since I'm absolutely petrified of dying. But I was thinking about it, and how much fun it would be to go away forever and screw her fucking play up. They wouldn't have the play if one of the cast members was DEAD.


I'm going insane. I'm going absolutely fucking crazy and no one notices. No one notices when I start staring off into space, no one notices when I eat like a fucking pig, no one notices when I don't eat. I don't think they would notice if I just started purging right in front of them. I just want someone to realize that something's wrong, that my smile is so fucking fake. I want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay.

But no one will.
Because no one knows anything is wrong.


And every day, I pick my smile back up and put it on with fresh tape.
And eventually the tape won't be able to hold its weight.

Versatile Blogger Award

Thank you Lillie and Mina for this award!

Rules:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

The Seven Things
1. I'm an incredibly selfish and self-absorbed person.
2. I love animals and being in nature. I'm not fond of bugs, but I deal with them.
3. My favorite color is red.
4. I love quotes. I love looking up quotes, and I love writing them down in my quote book.
5. I play guitar, I have been for almost two years now.
6. I want to be a musical theatre actress.
7. My favorite number is eight, so I'm going to put eight things. Otherwise it will bother me.
8. I love A Day To Remember and Say Anything.

The Eight People (has to be eight, sorry. I'm a rule-breaker)
1. Heather: I haven't talked to you in so long! She's one of the first people I talked to on Blogger.
2. Zette: I know you've probably gotten this about ten thousand times already. She's one of the most inspirational people on here.
3. Anne: She had to delete her blog, but I've been emailing her (somewhat erratically, I'm sorry dear! It's Hell Week!)
4. Lillie: She's always posting amazing comments and encouraging everyone. I love you!
5. Lost In Space: She always reminds me- 2011 = Skinny 1's! And we're like the same person, so...
6. Lola: She is literally the cutest thing in the world.
7. Lund3on: I love her posts so much, it's not even funny. Of course, I'm a lazy bitch and rarely comment, but I still love them!
8. Lou: She's incredibly inspirational and has started doing some amazing vlogs lately!

The girl in the mirror.

"When will my reflection show who I am inside?"
-Mulan

I'm getting fatter and fatter with each passing day. I look terrible.
I feel nice. Well, less spinny, anyway.
But I look terrible.
And I kind of miss the spinny feeling.
But I can't run AT ALL this week (play practice until 8 every night), and food is ALWAYS present (hello, Binge Monster).

I need to LOSE WEIGHT. I need to stop being a fucking fatass. I need to stop bingeing and eatingandeatingandeating.


Black coffee. Diet Coke. Salad.
Black coffee. Diet Coke. Salad.
Black coffee. Diet Coke. Salad.



Someone tell me something to make me hate myself so much I just stop eating completely. Forever.

Hell Week

I'm so exhausted.

My diet this week will consist of black coffee, Diet Coke, and salad.

Becoming Alaska: First Order of Business

Becoming Alaska

First Order of Business

I'm starting a new blog segment. I know my blog is usually just random crap and I never follow through with rituals, but I'm going to start.
So, this is Becoming Alaska.
Coincidentally, the title of my new journal.

The point of this journey is not to be Alaska, nor to simply be a better version of me.
As my journal-self put it, "I'm becoming the Alaska-version of me."

And the First Order of Business is:

Attitude

Alaska is witty and comical and takes shit from NO ONE. She is blatantly against misogyny (grab a dictionary if you don't know), and complains frequently about women being portrayed as objects (yet objectifies herself by wearing revealing clothing). She is a big messy ball of contradictions.

So, for the First Order of Business, I will stop being complacent. I will voice my opinions about what's wrong with the world (even if I myself may directly contradict those opinions- Hey, I never denied being a hypocrite!), I will not let myself be walked upon, and I will be an absolute badass.

Alaska.

I always idolize characters in TV shows and books (books especially), wanting to be them.

Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley (Harry Potter), Blair Waldorf (Gossip Girl), Massie Block (The Clique), Serena (Sailor Moom, Sakura (Cardcaptors) Mikan (Gakuen Alice. DON'T JUDGE, I LOVE MANGA), Lia (Wintergirls), and Cassie (Skins) have all been girls I'd love to be.

And I've found a new one.

Alaska Young, from the novel Looking for Alaska, by John Green.

She is described as: "...gorgeous, clever, funny, sexy, self-destructive, screwed-up, and utterly fascinating..."


Two out of seven isn't that bad, is it?


Basically, this is a book you should read. It's... Holy shit, man. Holy shit.



That's all I have to talk about today. Sorry.

I'm down to 168.something after stuffing myself tonight.
Before I ate I was 166.8 (fuck).


I was 175.6 at the beginning of March, 173 on... sometime last week? I don't remember. And I'm trying to lose these eight pounds in ten days.

Which should be plausible, but because it's me... You all know. :]


My friend told me that he's gay today. It was... well, surprising, mostly because he's super-Catholic and his dad is... Well, his dad's not the nicest, most compassionate guy in the world. This kid's been through a lot over the past year (he was in an abusive household, now he lives with his aunt), and now he's coming out.
He's so adorable, though.


@Heather; I've missed you! I'm really out of shape too. I can't run for very long, I have to run and walk too, so you're not alone!

@Anne; I'd love to stay in touch! My email is toomanyringsaroundrosie@rocketmail.com, if you want to email me. :]

@Lillie; Thank you. :] You're beautifuller. Ahaha, God, I'm so overtired right now I'm making up words.

@Zette; It's so lovely that you're back! Everyone should check out rainymood.com. It's what I listen to when I'm sleeping!



I ran again today. And I've been doing arms and abs every day (that is, for the past two days). My muscles are sore. And I officially have diarrhea right now, no idea why (I know, TMI. Get over it).

I need sleep. Goodnight lovelies. :]

I happen to be a pathetic excuse for a human being.

Not to mention desperate.

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. There's a lot of thoughts jumbling around in my head right now... It's not on straight.


I've had 217.5 calories so far today. I'm so afraid I'm going to binge later. So afraid.

Fuck, I just want to be skinny. Why do I keep self-sabotaging?



Actually, I know why I sabotage myself. It's a protective thing (which sounds weird, I know) to protect myself from the disappointment of failure, should I fail.
Which is completely ridiculous, because sabotaging myself equals failing.
So, I'm psycho.



But we knew that.



I'm going to go run. It's raining out. I love running in the rain.

I hate people.

My cheerleading coach decided to make the day of our banquet (when we all get together, we reminisce, the captains-that's me- give awards, etc.) the same day as the final rehearsal for our spring musical.
At the exact same time.

And I'm sitting over here like, "Hell no. We change the time or we change the date. I might not have an amazing part, I might not do a whole lot, but fuck dammit, I'm going to be there when I need to be. So we change the time, or we change the date."

Apparently, we can't change the time, because there's a group scheduled right after us. And the next available date is in June.
Now, I'm FINE with having it in June. Or even moving it to another place.


There's another girl, who was the senior captain for basketball season (I don't cheer for basketball).
She makes a big deal at play practice about how we need to "learn our dances, and be at practice, doing what we need to do" (mind you, no one listens to her).

And now, as the four of us captains are trying to get together to plan our awards, she says, "Oh, I'll just leave play practice early to get to banquet a little late."


I'm sorry. I've NEVER claimed to be a good role model, but at least I can fucking commit and not be a total fucking flake. I can't stand people who are wishy-washy. She won't stand up to our damn coach, WHO ISN'T EVEN HER COACH ANYMORE.
I called her out on it too. She hasn't responded to the message yet (the captains are communicating via Facebook message right now), but I know she will. And she'll say something to piss me off.

I plan on emailing my coach about this. Because not being able to attend my own SENIOR BANQUET is completely unfair.

Just another quick post, I'm sorry. ;)


So, I've been throwing around the same five pounds for the past three-four-five months, which is not good. I'm going to be onstage in less than two weeks.
I need to be around the same weight I was last year, so I need to lose fifteen pounds.
Fuck.


But if I lose fifteen pounds (BIG IF), all my costumes will be too big for me, and my mom will be mad for not measuring (even though the measurements currently are too small for me in sections... I fudged it a bit, hoping to lose more weight before she could finish).

I started painting again today. I've never liked watercolors much, I prefer acrylics, but Jesus, watercolor pencils are AMAZING.


I have to go to bed now, because I am exhausted and it's 23 minutes past "bedtime".
Yep. High school senior. Have a bedtime.


Goodnight. Think skinny 1's for 2011. :]

Breaking point.

I always think about who the first person I tell about my secret life is.
And how it will be.
And what will happen, and who will say what, and who the first person to put their arms around me to hug me while I'm sobbing will be.


And sometimes I think, "Well, what if they just don't care? What if they don't want to deal with me, because I'm fucked and they don't want to get fucked?"
I mean, that's rational, right? We have a natural human instinct to protect ourselves before others (with exceptions like mother and child?).

Just a few thoughts. Sorry I haven't given you guys a real update in awhile (though I know you probably hate my mile-long posts. Or at least groan when you see them :]).

For your viewing pleasure, click to see my most-hated song of the moment. I love laughing at it, you might too!

Epiphany.

So, if you've been an avid reader of my blog (hah), you know my obsession with epiphanies, and how I have them sporadically, but when I do, they're like a, "Holy crap giant realization about my life," sort of thing.
Or, at least, in my head they are.


Well I had an epiphany recently that I've been meaning to share with you guys.
Actually, two, I just realized one in the shower tonight (it's where I do all my best thinking).

First Epiphany

I really don't care too much about what my body looks like at this point.
I mean, I obviously do, because I'm a fat slobby pig.

But it's not what motivates me anymore.
What motivates me is
1) The euphoria from vomiting (yeah, I know, gross, but it's like a little adrenaline rush).
2) The feeling of hurting (like from my stomach hurting, like from my head hurting from not eating, like from my throat hurting from purging).

The second one, in my mind, is complex, because I hate pain. I hate physical pain, I hate bleeding, which is why I don't cut (I've said I hate throwing up in the past, so who knows, maybe I'll cut some day).
But see, when I'm hurting mentally, the only thing that feels right is to hurt physically as well. Because then maybe the mental pain will hurt less.

(Also, I like talking in parentheses. But we knew that.)

Second Epiphany

I'm an artist. Maybe not the best artist in the world, but I'm an artist. I love fine arts, creative arts, if I can put my hands on it and create, I like it.

I think that's why I like fucking with my body and my weight.
Because it's the only thing I can change without like, surgery.
I mean, I can change my hair color, but that doesn't last long.
And I can paint my nails.
But nothing says "CREATE" like shaping my body into something new.

Who knows? After I get skinny, maybe I'll be like that lady who wants to weigh 1,000 pounds and just get really really fat.


Probably not.

Silver lining.

I told you all about that one act play I wrote? About the girl with inner voices, eating disorder, etc.?
And how it got entered in a contest?

Well, it made it to the semi-final round.

So, in a few weeks, I'm going to have it read (out loud, by student actors) in front of a panel of judges, and they'll critique it, and tell me what I should edit. Then I'll edit it, and submit a final draft.
I have a potential to be one of seven (or is it nine?) winners, who get to have their play performed by student actors in a ceremony for the winners.

I couldn't be happier.

Well, yeah, I could. But right now, this is lifting me up, and other things aren't bringing me down so much.


Today, I went to see a world-famous speaker. As a woman was introducing him, my dad leaned over and said, "She could stand to skip a few meals."






Excuse me?!?

I meant to respond to this comment awhile ago:
@shard;
Luckily, I'm a high school senior, so next year I'll be moving out and living in a college dorm. So I'll be getting out and away from my dad's negative influence. So all I need to do is survive three more months (in June I move out and live at camp practically all summer), and I'll be a lot better. :]

Thank you all for your beautiful comments. I love you so much.

I don't want to purge.
I don't want to.


But I just ate four Snickers.
Of course I'm going to.

Dear Dad,

I really love it when you make comments about me stretching out your men's XL sweatshirt. It really makes me feel good knowing that my fat hips can stretch out something approximately ten inches wider than them.
I love that your stupid comments about getting in shape trigger me to binge. Because all I ever want is the opposite of what you want, so if that means being fat and ugly, so be it.
But I don't want to be fat and ugly. I just don't want you to take credit for me being skinny. This is why I need to move out, because all you do is motivate me to eat and gain weight.
Telling me that I'm unhappy just pisses me off, because you're too busy living in your fucking online poker game to pay attention to what's going on in my life. And you're too busy being a fucking hypocrite for me to take you seriously.
So next time you have a comment about clothing, my body, what I put in it, or what I do to it, take it, and shove it right up your hairy fucking fat ass.
Because no one cares.

Love,
Your Darling Daughter

My character flaws.

I'm obsessive.
I'm childish.
I'm petulant.
I'm a perfectionist. And if one little thing gets screwed up... EVERYTHING is screwed up.
I go fucking nuts when everything is screwed up, and do whatever the fuck I want.
I'm not very emotional in front of people.
I have a hard time opening up.
I never really say what's going through my mind.
I don't like to be touched.
I really do like to be touched, I just don't like people touching me. Especially without permission.
I don't like letting people see that I'm not perfect.
I'm a sore loser.
I don't ever know what to say in emotional situations.
I procrastinate. A lot.
I must be consistently grammatically correct. If I'm not sure, it bothers me.


WARNING, LONG POINTLESS GUY STORY AHEAD.

There's this guy in a few of my classes. I'll call him G. He's one of the "popular" guys, and he's always been kind of a manwhore.
But this year, he's been really nice to me.
I totally have a crush on him.
He totally has a girlfriend.

Today, in my Economics class, we had to go to our project groups, then my teacher decided that we needed to go back to our seats.
As I was moving all my stuff back, he just came up to me and gave me a hug. I've never even talked to him before this year.

He's really tall. I mean, he plays football, so he's pretty much a brick wall.
A few years ago, I was playing basketball against him in gym class, and he stopped right in front of where I was running.
I literally bounced off of him.
And we all know that I'm not the skinniest, lightest thing out there.

And in Drama, while we're working on stage combat, if we're standing and listening to my professor teach us something, hes always facing towards me. Like you know how body language experts say that if a guy positions his pelvis (read: penis) towards you, he's supposed to be into you or something?
Not that I believe that shit, but whatever.

I decided to test another body language thing, where if someone is into you, they instinctively copy your body language (like, if you cross your arms, they cross their arms).
I dunno if he's into me or not, but that subliminal shit WORKS. I noticed he was standing the same way I was: legs spread apart, arms crossed, with his body angled toward me. So, I tested it, and dropped my arms to my sides. Within thirty seconds, his arms were at his sides. So, I crossed my arms again. And within thirty seconds, his arms were crossed again. I stood up with my feet closer together and put my arms down, and he did the same.

I gotta say, it was pretty amusing for me.

It's FUCKING stupid.

It's absolutely fucking stupid that I barely eat anything ALL FUCKING DAY and only lose 0.2. SO FUCKING STUPID.

I want to get out of this body and go fly around as a spirit. At least then I wouldn't weigh anything.




Not gonna lie to you guys, not getting comments makes me sad. :[
There, I said it. I'm an attention whore.
Do with it what you will.
(Feeding it, probably not the best option).


NON OFFICIAL POST TALLY: 5

Coming at you with a special round of offensiveness!

I think I've officially fucked my metabolism up. Forreals.

Like, looking back on my posts last year, at the time it felt like it was taking forever to lose weight, but it really didn't... I actually lost weight quite quickly.

And now, I barely eat all day (okay, I did eat, I had three Reese's cups, 1/3 cup of cottage cheese, 1 medium banana, and 1 Carnation Instant Breakfast, this was before I got home and went for a run and ate dinner- 4 soy chicken nuggets and french fries), and when I weigh myself (before I eat, after I get home from school, before I run), I've only lost 0.6? And after running, after dinner, I weigh 0.8 more. It's like, normal meals don't work, restricting doesn't work, NOTHING WORKS.


Keep truckin' on, I guess.
Going to eat less tomorrow.
Preferably as close to nothing as possible.

Love you guys, thank you for your comments. <3

Random Vulgarities/Offensive Comments of the Day

Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby in a clown costume.

Cockmuncher

Blue waffle (if you don't know and want to be grossed out... Google it.)

Q: A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
A: The man, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.



NON OFFICIAL POST TALLY: 4

In the swing of things.

Purged today for the first time since the last week of January. I went a WHOLE MONTH without purging.

Note to everyone (and to self):
Don't purge and then expect to be able to go for a run. Just don't.


I'm really tired right now so this isn't a very good post.
Woke up at 175.6, going to bed around 174.5.
Not bad. Could be better.


I just need routines. Once I get my routines set up, I'll start doing better.
I swear.


I went running on icy roads today. I came back with a swollen, purple, bloody knee.
It's super cute.




NON OFFICIAL POST TALLY: 3

Breakdown.

I've been doing a lot of introspective thinking lately. It's weird.

Twenty-two hour fast completed today. Didn't eat too much after I broke it.
I need to go to bed now, but I need to get these thoughts out. I feel like they'll bury me if I don't.

I've been reading entries from last year: December, January, February. I can literally see the degradation of my mental state to where it is today.

I wander around my house aimlessly, I wander around stores aimlessly, I wander around school aimlessly.
Looking for something that will fill the void in my life. There's a place in my brain, I think it's missing.

I feel absolutely fucking crazy right now.



But no one could ever tell.
I have a perfect, unblemished veneer over my emotions. No one ever knows what I'm really thinking or feeling.

Not that anyone's ever cared enough to venture deeper. I always hoped I would meet someone (preferably a guy I could fall in love with and live happily ever after with) who would care enough to see through my bullshit and care enough to make me stop hurting myself before I go absolutely psychotic.

Not yet.
Still waiting.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want a knight in shining armor who will vanquish all my evils for me. I just want a sexy, gorgeous man (with flowing, wavy hair, and clear green or brown eyes, taller than me, with a come-hither (or incredibly cute and goofy) smile and nice teeth) to tell me that I need save myself. Because he doesn't know what he'd do without me.
I want to be wanted. I want to be needed.


I've never had a problem with anonymous commenters. I wonder why that is. Do I not say offensive things enough? Because I can.

Fuck.
Donkey rape.
Anal bleaching.

Not offensive enough? At least I tried...

Still not officially back. I wonder how many "not official" posts it will take to make me admit I'm 100% back.


NON-OFFICIAL POST TALLY: 2

Explanations.

It's been twenty days since my last post.
This is the longest I've gone without posting since I started.

I feel like I owe some sort of explanation.
I know a lot of people don't really read this anymore (or most that do don't comment, like I don't on everyone's blogs, because I'm lazy shit and never know what to say), but I need to get this out there.

I don't know that I'll be posting again, I won't say that I'm back.
Because I'm not.

I'm somewhere else, somewhere that's kind of like limbo. I can't completely think straight.
When I go to the grocery store, instead of heading straight for the food I usually binge on, I wander. I stare at things for ten, fifteen, twenty minutes. Pick something out. Put it back. Go look through makeup. Pick something up. Put it back. Pick something else up. Decide to buy it. Go back to the food, pick something out. Something remotely healthy. Pick something else out. And something else. Walk around like a zombie. Buy it all, bring it home.
Eat.


On a completely different note, pastels and lace are two of my favorite things fashion-wise right now. I'm in love with lavender and peach.

I think I'm going to fast tomorrow. I haven't fasted in quite some time. I'm also going to start running again. I just need to get up the courage to run outside in the bipolar Central New York weather.

A quote from one of my August posts:
"I could never leave, not completely."

I say crazy things sometimes, huh?

This post has turned into completely what I didn't want it to. I wanted it to be direct, straightforward. I had something I wanted to explain, but it's getting too long. Maybe I'll post sometime this week.

This is pretty much what has been happening in my mind lately. I hop from one thing to the next, then to the next, then back to the first thing, then something else.

My stomach hurts. Ate too many Now And Laters and too much hot chocolate and too MUCH.

Top Ten March 2011 Goals
10. Run every day.
9. Don't count calories, but eat as little as possible.
8. No binges, no purges.
7. Write new songs.
6. Wash face twice every day. No more acne on this face.
5. Make play costumes.
4. Make new hats.
3. Do homework.
2. Keep room clean.
1. Try not to pout.

This is going to be my last post for awhile.

I've been thinking about this for quite some time.

I love keeping a blog, I love all my followers, I love your comments.
But I just can't keep this up anymore.
I don't have a specific reason why.
Maybe I do, but I just can't think of it right now.

So this is going to be my last post.
I might come back at some later date.
Who knows.

But right now, this blog isn't providing what it used to provide for me.
So, at 170 pounds, 10 pounds lighter than when I started this journey, I'm saying goodbye.
I can't find it in me to delete any of these posts.
This was a long fucking year of my life.


Goodbye. I love you all.

I no longer want to be attached.

Feelings suck.

Love, hate, like, happiness, sadness, anger, excitement, embarassment.
I've decided I don't want any part of them any more.


I want to hover over everyone, unattached.
I want to not care when something doesn't happen how I expect it to.
I want to not have expectations.
I want to be apathetic, indifferent.

I want to be a liminal being.
(lim·i·nal: adj \ˈli-mə-n^əl\
2: barely perceptible)

I want to float above the petty feelings that people suffer through every day.
I need to stop living for food.
I want to barely exist.

Because, you see, as much as I want to not exist, I'm so afraid of nonexistence that I couldn't possible go to that level.


So I'll exist liminally.
Barely.

I'm not sure if you can turn liminal into an adjective. I just did, so suck it grammar snobs.
I am one...
A grammar snob, I mean.


When my mind and body operate on the same plane, I will be happy.

Thank you guys for your comments.
I really appreciate it. I've purged three four times in the past two days.
Five times in the past week.
Once with my parents both in the house.
Once with a friend in the house.
And mostly when it's just me.


But I've been being good lately, aside from the purging.
I have, I swear.
The only calories I've consumed other than those I've purged have been cottage cheese every night (1/4 cup, 60 calories), hot chocolate every morning, sometimes the afternoon (150, when I make it at home), and Marley's Mellow Mood Green Tea with Honey every night (120, it's the only thing that helps me sleep at night).


I'm eighteen a week from January 27 (yesterday).
I'm so excited.
I can finally get my tattoo (I won't until I'm thinner; I think I'm going to get something to cover the bright red stretch marks on my left hip instead of writing on my ribs). I'll probably wait until after graduation so I have some cash.
And I can get my cartilage pierced (I probably won't though, I have a long history of infections in my ears due to a possible nickel allergy. Now almost anything that goes in my ear piercings makes them infected).


This is kind of long, sorry.
And not very interesting.
I had some really interesting dreams last night.
Interesting to me anyways...


Love you all. :]

No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares. No one cares.

No one cares.

Four minutes.

That's all it takes.

Four minutes to get rid of dinner (one egg, scrambled, and six strawberries, cut into four pieces each) and dessert (one banana, cut up, with multicolored sprinkles on top).

It's honestly becoming an OCD-like thing for me.
If there's no food in my stomach, I'm happy.
Once I start eating, it's hard to stop.
And once there's food inside, I have to get it out.
Because it doesn't feel right being in there.
And once it's out, everything feels better.


Maybe I'm over-dramatizing this. Probably.

But I gotta say, bingeing and purging ice cream twenty minutes before taking a midterm exam isn't exactly my proudest moment.


I bought Wasted today.
I'm excited to read it.
I started, and had to stop, because I had to go to a wake (wakes really creep me out, but it was a girl from my team's grandmother who died, so I was obligated to pay my respects).
But shit, a lot of the stuff she writes, it's like... Holy crap. I do that.
And I'm sure I'm not the only one who has said that, but...
Holy crap.



And so I bid you adieu for now.
Not that anyone cares...

Just ate so much...

God, I'm fat.

It's been a wild ride...

Here on Blogger, anyway.

I just don't find much time to post the story of my life anymore. Or maybe I'm just lazy. Tumblr is simply far more effective.

This isn't goodbye, not yet anyway.
But it's more of a, "We'll catch up when I'm not busy."

Truth, right now I'm not busy.
I'm just not feeling Blogger.

I love you all.
<3

I've done it in public.

This is my first mobile post, so excuse the shortness and any typos... I'm at my mom's school's sixth and seventh grade dance, and I feel like a terrible role model. Not only did I eat five fun size bags of M&Ms and a fun sized Snickers, I purged it.

In the school bathroom.
While I could hear mothers talking outside the bathroom.

While I was puking, a girl came in for a moment to look in the mirror. Right as I finished, two girls came in, laughing and talking.

My throat hurts. But at least my stomach isn't full anymore.




God, why can't I just be normal?

Did it again.

I know I said I never would again on a school night.


But I did.
I always eat so much when I come home.

HOW DO I STOP?!?


I can go through the day eating hardly anything, but as soon as I come home, BAM, food food food food, washed down with food food food food.

Woke up at 171.8 this morning.
This evening was 170.8.
After the binge was 172.0.
After the purge, now, 170.4.




Fuck, I hate myself.
Here comes the headache.

Spring Break

Just found out we're going to Cocoa Beach, Florida for spring break.

So, that means it's time to actually lose some fucking weight here.
I want to wear a bikini for the first time in my life.
Shit.
It's never going to happen.


I woke up this morning at 172.4, same as yesterday.
After school, after eating only one cereal bar (100) and two Fig Newtons (90) I was 172.2.
Umm, what?

I went on a little mini-eating spree, yet again.
After that I was 172.0.

What the fuckkk?!?
Is it even possible for my body to go into starvation mode that quickly when I'm still this fat??
I don't think so.
This makes no fucking sense in my brain.


Oh well.

Fresh Start, Day 2

Didn't do so well today, came home and binged a little bit

Then didn't do my full workout (just 30 minutes; I'm sorry, The Notebook is a fucking boring movie).

But it was still 300 calories burned.




I weighed 172.4 this morning. Or maybe it was 172.0. I don't remember.
Gross.

Maybe fasting tomorrow.
I'll see how I feel.

Fresh Start: Day 1

Went surprisingly well.


Thanks to the dentist, I didn't even get to start to eat until maybe 6ish. They stuck me with novacaine, I couldn't feel the entire left side of my mouth (including the left side of my tongue) for three hours...
I did my entire workout today, proud of myself.
Almost died after the run, though.
I forgot (well, I disregarded, which is entirely different) the rule where you don't sit down after you run.
Bad idea.
Stomach cramps (intense, like about to have explosive diarrhea cramps) for about twenty minutes.

Cooooooool.

And I'm down 1.6 pounds from this morning...

Cooooooool.





Total calories: 462

I'm back, bitches.

And didn't you miss me? ;]

I'm feeling a lot more in tune with life right now... A lot more.
Finally starting to get over being sick, and I have my life PLANNED OUT.

Well, not my life, but my fitness routine.
Which makes a world of difference.
Now I just need to keep up with it.


Let's start from this morning. More like this afternoon, I'm not really sure when I woke up, suffice it to say, it was in the afternoon.

My mom wakes me up, offering to make me food.
"Do you want tea?"
(still asleep) "Meaerghegrumble... No."
"Do you want soup?"
(half-asleep) "Ehhhegrhtmumble... No."
"How about some chicken broth? I can put some noodles in..."
(remembering last puke-session) "Ahggehh... No..."
"How about a grilled cheese?"
(want her to go away) "Aheajrg... Sure. Make it with butter." (because grilled cheese made with margarine SUCKS)
"And some tomato soup?"
(NO, JUST GO AWAY. Now sufficiently awake) "No, thank you..."
"Okay!" (skips off cheerfully)

Downstairs. Grilled cheese.
Spot Lucky Charms on counter.

"MOM OMFG HOW DID YOU KNOW I WANTED LUCKY CHARMS."
(pour small bowl of Lucky Charms, eat with grilled cheese)

Back upstairs to my grotto, my hovel, my safe space where no one can hurt me.


MAKE PLAN.

So, here's the new exercise plan.

MONDAYS/WEDNESDAYS
Cardio:

• 10 minute run

Strength:

• 20 crunches
• 20 reverse crunches
• 1 minute plank
• 20 oblique crunches
• 20 leg lifts
• 20 bicep curls
• 20 shoulder presses
• 20 lat raises
• 20 lunges, both sides
• 20 squats without weights
• 20 squats with weights
• 11 plank contractions (x3)

Cardio:

• 24 minutes on bike

TUESDAYS/THURSDAYS
Cardio:

• Movie Walk: walk the entire length of a movie (use as an excuse to buy new movies!)

Stretch (hold 30 seconds to a minute each):

• Splits
• Calves
• Hamstrings
• Back

FRIDAYS
Cardio:

• 15 minute jog

Strength:

• 40 lunges, both sides
• 30 weighted squats
• 20 calf raises
• 10 squat thrusts ( I hate them, and their name)

SATURDAYS
Cardio:

• Dance! (any amount of time, any pace, just do it!)

SUNDAYS

• Read a book, exercise the mind...
• Reorganize the room, exercise (exorcise) the demons...
• Meditate, exercise the spirit...
• Work on quote book, exercise the inspiration...

I'll also be planning meals the night before...
I'll let you know how tomorrow goes once it goes.
I have to get fillings tomorrow.
Right now I'm fucking exhausted.

Goodnight lovely dolls.

Shaking.

I'm so fucking pissed.
How many times have I started a blog post like this?

FUCK. I HATE MY FUCKING DAD SO FUCKING MUCH.

I printed out my "get healthy" plan from a few months ago, and he asked to see it. I really didn't want to show him.
He made me anyway.

Then he starts going on and on about how I need to try new things, and how it's a problem that I don't eat a lot of different foods, how my taste is still stuck to back when I was three, how I'm miserable with myself because I stay in my room all day.

MAYBE THE REASON I STAY IN MY FUCKING ROOM ALL DAY IS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU, BECAUSE YOU SAY STUPID SHIT LIKE THIS.

I need to get out of here. I need to move out. I need to go somewhere.
Somewhere that's not here.
I swear, it's the most toxic environment in my life.

I can't even type properly right now, I'm crying so hard.

Just for this, I'm not eating today.
And you know what, Dad?
I'm not eating on Sunday, either.
Or Monday.

So go suck a big fat hairy fucking cock.
You probably already have.

I don't know what to say.

Not really sure where I've been.

I was happy for a few days.
(Like, Monday. And Tuesday.)

I felt good about my body.
Like maybe I wasn't really all that gross.


I find that this happens after I leave home for an amount of time. Then I come home and everything just hits me again.
Toxic environment. I need to move out.
I need to work out.

I'm sick right now... Can't breathe through my nose, throat's swollen, so I can't breathe through my mouth.
Not really sure how I'm alive.

I wrote a play for my creative writing class. About this girl who deals with voices in her head. She's bulimic. She kills herself in the end.
Everyone says, "Good job Charlie, great writing Charlie, that's such a good play, Charlie!"
No one asks where it came from.
I'm not sure if I want them to or not.

I don't want to study for my test tomorrow. I don't want to study for my quiz tomorrow. I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

I will though.


Sorry I'm so blah, sorry I suck, sorry I'm fat, sorry I haven't been commenting, sorry I fail at life.
Love you guys.

I'm back. And fucking fatter than ever.
This whole weekend was a giant binge.
And I'm still not fully recovered from the last puke session to keep that up.


Fucking hell. I'm doing ABC right now, completely failed today. It was supposed to start today, and I completely forgot. So now I feel like absolute shit.
Fuck.
Sorry I'm such a fatass failure.

I'm going to be gone a few days...

I'm going out of town to this annual drama conference (I went last year).

Down two pounds this morning from yesterday. Worst day ever. Felt like shit the entire day.

Finally got some Aleve, so I feel a bit better. I'm literally going to be up all night packing.


Love you guys. Sorry I haven't been commenting lately. I just feel really dead and completely apathetic these days. It sucks.
Love you.

Never let me purge on a school night again, please.

Because this morning, I feel like I got run over by a semi truck.

Noodles..

Are so gross coming back up.


So gross.

And I feel terrible, because not only did I purge, and now I'm going to get an immense headache, but I also have diarrhea (probably TMI, but you guys hear everything about me now, so whatever), so I feel doubly awful. And I just took a vitamin after my vomiting sesh.
I feel gross.
Yet oddly satisfied.

Basically, I ate too much today, which is why I'm up from yesterday, and probably will gain have gained come tomorrow morning. God knows I won't get sleep, as I have a monologue to memorize, a three-minute speech to prepare, a test to study for, a trip to pack for, and my sanity to find.

I'm going to be up all night.

edit:
Just did it again. Veggie burger, right back up.
Fuck. It's so easy. Why is this so easy? It shouldn't be easy.

Ugh.

Just binged.
One container of caramel-chocolate Ben and Jerry's, two Aero bars.

Not going to throw it up... Not feeling like it.
That was the original plan, but... I dunno. It doesn't feel right.
And both my parents are home.
It's easier when I'm home alone.

Tomorrow, I'll feel like shit, even though I don't right now.

I think I might ask K to my senior ball.
I dunno.
He'll probably say no.
Or he'll say yes because he feels bad for me.
Fuck.

edit:
Just kidding. I'm not going to ask him.
Jesus, what kind of loser am I?

Failure... Kind of.

Follow me on Tumblr, I'll follow you. :]

So, I was up until 5 a.m., didn't wake up to get the car at 6 a.m., woke up at 8 a.m., was pissed because I had to ask my dad for his car, didn't go anywhere, went back to sleep at 10 a.m., and woke up again around 4:30 p.m.
I'm not going to dance tonight, I just don't feel up to it.
Not to mention I have a mountain of homework to accomplish in one night.

I was so excited, today an email buddy I haven't spoken to in a very very long time emailed me. :] So that made me really happy. I know she lurks on my blog sometimes, and is apprehensive about starting her own. But, I'm really glad you emailed me!

I overheard my parents talking about me. Apparently, because I don't have any extracurriculars at the moment, I'm a complete failure. Doesn't matter that my grades are perfectly fine, doesn't matter that my room is clean. If I'm sleeping all day, I'm a failure. I need to be doing something 24/7.
This from the people who told me they would make me drop cheerleading or dance if I couldn't keep my grades up at the beginning of the year.
It doesn't make sense; either I'm busy and you think I'm TOO busy, or I'm not busy, and you think I'm a lazy fatass.
Fuck you.


Thank you for your concern about me being healthy, guys. I had two eggs, scrambled (180), a slice of American cheese (45) and a carton of orange juice (110). Gross.
I didn't purge anything.
I almost did, though, the eggs were so gross, I just wanted them out of me.
I had a dream that I was purging though. It was scary, because my mom came in, and didn't believe that I was sick. So she went searching through my vomit.
Gross, right?
It was weird, in my dream, I could even smell the puke.
Gross.

I have to go do homework and laundry now. I love you guys so much. <3

B/P

This might be a bit triggering. I'm not sure. But if you think it is, go away. I love you, and go away.


I've already decided I'm going to tomorrow. One last fucking hurrah before going back to normal
(and by normal I mean, NOT eating).

Was doing my research on purging (I do research on pretty much everything: starving, overeating, personality disorders, etc., but this is the first time I've done solid research on purging), and found out that purging can make you crave sweets, and that some people end up with a hangover of sorts, which completely explains why, after my mini-purge on New Years Eve, I was ravenous for brownies and candies (though I suppose that can also be the BED), and couldn't sleep due to a massive, pounding headache.
This might not be news to you, but it certainly was for me. Needless to say, immediately following the purge, I felt a lot better (mind you, paranoid, like I said).

So, I'm bingeing and purging tomorrow (with proper necessities on hand this time, such as water, Powderade Zero, and painkillers for my headaches), and making my plan for the rest of the week tonight. I have a lot of restless energy to burn.

(p.s. I think that when I hit the 120s or 130s, because I know I will, I just don't know when, I might post a picture of myself. Maybe not my face, but a progress picture. Hmm...)


COMMENTS:
I was really touched by your comments on my last post. They were all really heartfelt and beautiful, and I love you guys so much (hahah, sappy, much?)

OH, and if you guys want me to call you another name beside your Blogger name, please tell me. I'd much rather call you by a name! :]

Heather; I really hatee the paranoia. I wish I just lived by myself. I definitely don't plan on throwing up when I'm high, though, ahah. But then again, I never really planned on throwing up anyway...

Arii; It makes me feel better that I'm not entirely alone in what I feel. It's nice to know that other people can relate to what I say, because none of my friends here ever can. And K really is my main motivator to get skinny, especially since his Facebook wall is filled with posts from this gorgeous, skinny blonde chick, and it makes me so mad, because it could be me... If I were gorgeous and skinny.

Lost In Space; Happy new year to you too! We'll be the skinny "1"s by the end of this. :]

shard; Thank you so much for your comment. I actually do agree with you that it's definitely easier if you do love yourself. My problem is, I always convince myself that other people are the crazy ones for liking me or thinking I'm worthwhile, and I've never been able to convince myself otherwise. I'm going to invest in some fluoride mouthwash now... My enamel really is crap, by this point.

V.; I totally know what you mean about liking the feeling of someone having a crush on you, even if you don't like them back! XD It's nice knowing you're wanted... I actually asked K, while I was "drunk" texting if he was serious, and he told me to go to bed and ask him in the morning. When I asked him in the morning, he said he was serious. And me, being stupid, said something like, "Ohh, okayy." Then I was extra stupid and told him I had been messing with him. And felt like a little fucking kid. Immature, as always.

Kandie; I didn't know that it took 30 minutes for the pH in your mouth to return to normal afterwards! I'm definitely keeping that in mind from now on.

Dreams.and.Bones; Haha, yepp. That's my motivation. K's really skinny too (and really tall), so I'm just like "Ahhh, don't want to be fat in front of him..." Thanks for your words of encouragement and motivation. :]

Love you all.

Love.

What it is like?

I know I've never really been in love.
Like, of course.
Lust, definitely.

I don't understand how people can be "LIKE OMG SO IN LUVVV" after only dating like, a month, tops?
I definitely know what it's like to love someone. I love all my friends from camp. I've loved every single camper I met this summer. I love my friends from school, I love my little sister (who isn't really my little sister, but we're the same person, so I unofficially made her my little sister), I love my parents, I love my dogs.

I want to be in love though.
At least, I think I do.
But, like... No one could ever really love me, I think.
Because to be loved, you have to be able to love yourself.
I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that.


//end philosophical rant.

I was texting K (guy from camp that I have a huge crush on) last night, acting really fucked up (my friend and I were bored, so we decided to pretend drunk text some guys we knew to see their reaction), and I asked him if he was dtf (down to fuck, for those who are unawares).
And apparently he is.
Not really sure what to make of this.
Not sure at all.
But he did tell me we would see each other before camp starts in June.
So maybe I'll figure it all out then.
And maybe I can get fucking skinny before then.

God, I know how this must seem to everyone reading.
"Oh, look, here's this fat girl. She wants to get skinny, ha good joke. So don't eat, duh. It's that simple. Wow, she can't even go for a day without eating and overeating. What a pathetic loser. God. She lost over twenty pounds in eight months, and gained it all back in the span of three months. Disgusting."

Sorry. I'm a failure. I know.

I had a whole bunch of mini Reese's cups while babysitting before going to the party last night. As soon as I got home, before the party, I purged them. Well, as much as I could get up (which wasn't much).
Before I purge, I get this little mini panic attack, and my heart starts thumping really hard. I'm not sure if it's because I'm scared of getting caught, or because I truly know how terrible it is for me (probably a combination of both).
But then I start, and it's so easy.
And I feel better after.

I completely doused myself with perfume before leaving and gargled with mouthwash before I left (I know better than to brush my teeth afterward. My enamel is so screwed as it is from whitening treatments, I don't need to fuck it up more than necessary).
As I was driving, I could still smell the vomit.
God, I was so paranoid, until someone told me I smelled really good.
Then I loosened up a bit.


Sorry this damn post is so long.
Love you. <3