Monday, April 26, 2010

I feel pathetic.

For thinking that today would be happy.
For thinking that C would stop being a bitch and start acting like my friend.
For thinking that L could actually like me.
For thinking that anyone sees me as anything but a fat, nasty bump in the rug.

I know I said I was going to try to put it in God's hands. I think I'm just going to let it go completely.

Dance class is really the only thing that truly makes me happy anymore...

Thank you all so much for your feedback. I've decided you guys are right (what else is new??). I'm not going to tell my therapist, however good at hiding things and lying I may be.
Hell, I don't even know if I'm going to go back to her.

Intake today has been decent, I guess.
My "normal" eating brought the total around 800 probably? Actually, probably more, that's my lowish estimate. I don't really feel like adding everything. Too high, but my new plan involves moderation, along with allowing a little bit of indulgence to prevent bingeing.
And so far, it's been working okay.
My new favorite snack is croutons. The Texas Toast kind. Mmm. But I know, carbs, calories, bad. Making lunch has helped. I'm hoping to wean myself off of food enough so that I can fast Thursday. Weighed in at 159.0 this morning. Fucking stuck there, but it also may be because I've been doing more strength than cardio (that's right, I've been getting off my fat ass to actually attempt exercise. I'm liking these Pilates moves I found in an old Seventeen magazine, which by the way is totally geared towards incredibly immature readers and preteens. I'll take a Cosmo over Seventeen any day).

And since Blogger is being a FUCKING DOUCHE, I have a single unmoderated comment. I'm sorry, currently unknown commenter! I want want WANT to see it so badly BUT IT'S FUCKING NOT WORKING.

Alright, time to work on my job application. Love you guys.


  1. You'll get out of the plateau. I hit them sometimes too. Stay strong!!!

  2. I fuckin love you! Your comments totally make my day.

    -might want to continue seeing therapist if u self harm
    -yay....we both feel pathetic but the difference is that ur not pathetic.
    - you will get over the plateau soon hunni. Stay strong and beautiful <3
    - I lie to my therapist so i can "graduate" as she calls it, sooner.

    Love ya babe. feel better.

  4. Oh man, I really liked going to counseling because I had an awesome counselor, but that was before I was doing all this restricting and stuff (I did it before, but I stopped, and now I've started again). There are really good things about going to counseling, and they have to keep everything totally confidential, so think about it before you make a decision. I had a really great experience.

    Good luck on your job app! I'm sorry you are feeling yucky today :(